EA partner's reaction to split

[MymbleClement]

That really. It was not what I was expecting after years of threats to 'go for 100% custody' etc. He's realised I am serious and has broken down, says he can change 'easily' and wanting physical affection after at least five years of withholding it from me.

I feel incredibly guilty. I've never seen him properly cry in 15 years together. But he's promising the earth and being 'nice' and I've actually never felt so smothered in my life.

Just wondered how other EA partners reacted and how you dealt with it.

Exact same script from my EA ex-husband.

I agree that if they can do it now, why didn't they do it before.

It's not like you have just sprung the separation on them, they know the problems were there before but refused to do anything about it.

Stay strong, I know it's super hard, particularly if you are still in the same house.

Redannie118 yes I have spent years doing the same. My tears have never had any effect on him but now that it's him who is upset it's a different story. I am just not going to give in to him. I'm 40. I feel like he's had most of my best years (I've told him this previously, he sneered at me) but I'm still young. I'm not prepared to turn around in 10 years and wonder why I stayed.

Typical EA behavior. My exH, even after he'd moved out and I'd started divorce proceedings suddenly started to do many of the things we'd argued about or I'd said I needed from him.

My view is that this is all the better for the DC as many of my gripes were about parenting and lack of engagement in family life.

But none of this is about me or the DC. It's still a control thing and him expecting me to come running back now that he can do it all.

As others have said, he'll be an expert in doing just enough to reel you back in, but he's only making an effort when his happiness and lifestyle are threatened.

Whatisthisfuckery he has never been physically violent. I think in his head he thinks that as long as he doesn't hit me he's not like his own dad.

Yes we're married. When I get paid I plan to book a solicitor appointment. I've already got most of mine and the children's stuff together in a safe place so I will collect it up and probably give it to my parents for safe keeping. They are aware of what has been going on (although I didn't think they were, I had half convinced myself it was all in my head/no one would believe me).

We have a joint account but I have always maintained my own separate bank account and my salary is paid into that one. So he can't touch my money. I will find some paperwork for his pension as it's a good one and he's been paying into it since he left uni (teacher).

Uncorrected yes a lot of what I have said involves the children. He is promising all sorts but I pointed out to him that even if we are separated he should still be doing these things for his kids, not just to persuade me not to leave him! It's all about him!

It is all about control as everyone has said. He will start "changing" and making an effort, then get really angry you wont forgive him and insist on separating. He will even turn it around and say he is the victim and be nasty saying you are being stubborn and cruel by not giving him a chance. Try to guilt you into saying you are being unreasonable and splitting the family up because you wont give him a chance. Dont give in

blubelle7 yes I'm already hearing some of this. 'This is our whole life' etc well it was our whole life before and it was fine for me to suffer alone. I don't want my children to see our relationship and model their own on it. Despite what he's saying it's clear he is thinking primarily of himself.

Unfortunately for him I'm smarter than he thinks and spending the whole of my thirties in this relationship has toughened me up.

I’m glad you’re thinking so clearly about this OP. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things.

Do please be careful though. Yu’ve never challenged his control like this before, so you don’t yet know how he will react.

@BlingLoving

I am echoing what everyone else is saying; he is just saying what he thinks you want to hear to keep you there. Another type of manipulation as his previous tricks don't work anymore.

He won't/can't change, he's just still trying to control you.

Ending the relationship is absolutely the best thing you can do. And please don't think you've wasted the 'best years' of your life on him. There is a reason why people say life begins at 40 (I'm 46 and can vouch for this!).

Stay strong, stay focused and above all else, stick to your guns and lose this abusive arsehole.

You're absolutely right; he's had YEARS to be the husband you wanted him to be. And now you've seen the light, it's too late and he knows it. Hence the waterworks and suicide threats (Just tell him you'll call 999).

Onwards and upwards.

He's also asked me at least three times if I've told anyone 'about all this' which I think is an attempt to control the narrative (I said no, but actually I have spoken to my mum and some close friends and interestingly as said upthread my parents were already worried and one of my friends said it's definitely not me that's the problem).

Control and image will feature highly for your stbxH. My ex was more concerned about asking what the neighbors knew than how the DC were... 🙄

my parents were already worried and one of my friends said it's definitely not me that's the problem

REALLY glad you are talking to people in real life, OP. And he does not need to know. Tread carefully as his behaviour may escalate now he knows he is losing (has lost) control of you.

You sound strong and smart and I am so glad you have seen the light.

Ex also wanted to be there when I told my parents (they already knew) so he could control what was said/place all blame on me. He wouldn't have wanted the truth that he was financially abusive used his entire wage to fund on his own social life/drugs and had opted out of parenting. He actually didn't think that he had done anything wrong and I was splitting up a 'happy family'.
Delusional he was absolutely deluded.
These types really have no awareness about how they have treated others or possibly do but really do not care.
And their partners are supposed to not care about how they are treated either just suck it up for the sake of the I'm a family man status

They really are all the same aren't they? He protested yesterday that he's 'always talking positively about me to other people' yeah because it makes him look good!

GreenFingers I read Lundy Bancroft's book and it was recommended in there to talk to people about it. I'm so glad I did as it turns out he's not fooling everyone and I'm NOT going mad.

Littlebit I think that's how he feels. That I'm recklessly splitting up the family. Never mind his shitty treatment that I've forgiven over and over!

I think EA men are also, be definition, completely lacking in self awareness. They convince themselves they are RIGHT. That they have done NOTHING wrong. And so they are genuinely surprised.

But they're idiots. and it doesn't excuse the behaviour. And doesn't change the fact that he's attempting to manipulate you.

I think as you talk to people about this you'll be surprised how many people are already aware of the situation to at least a certain extent. Or won't be surprised. I think we've all had friends, acquaintances, colleagues etc who talk completely casually about things that the rest of us go WTF about. But those women aren't where you are - they haven't figured out what's happening yet and so they haven't been able to fight back.

It took me years to leave my jealous and controlling ex. I am very forgiving until.i wrote myself an email with pages and pages of all the things he'd done and said. Every time I waivered I would read the email and add to it. After a few months , I no longer needed to read it. I have been in my own home for a year and haven't cried once, compared to all the times he made me cry over the years.

I'm recklessly splitting up the family.

Exh said this to me repeatedly, and has said it again, 8 months after our separation.

He even said it to his psychiatrist (he has a breakdown when I left and a severe psychotic episode).

Watch out, it swings between "you are splitting up the family, let's give it another go, I love you" and "you are the worst person in the universe and I hate you and YOU are emotionally abusing ME"

@Musti on MN recommendation I wrote myself a list which I carried in my pocket for a while.

The relief of no longer being on the rollercoaster work these people is amazing.

I had all the platitudes and changes and short spells of remedying bad behaviour before it was back to square one and like a PP he created drama when there was none because he missed it.

I finally called time on it last year and had the same concerted efforts, but this time I didn't back down and just left anyway. He still tries to reel me in with promise to change but since I've had my own very humiliating mental health break down (no doubt contributed by him for the last 5 years) he's finally seen sense and said he no longer wants me because I suspect I'm broken goods now. Weirdly enough it was like being rejected all over again (he did the hot and cold thing throughout our relationship) - I never planned to go back, but showed he still had power.

Years after I left ex he still wanted answers on why/how I'd split up the happy family, a phrase he kept repeating. I found it very unnerving and almost like he was out of touch with reality. It was like he was living in a parallel universe where I was imagining the crappy relationship that only I was living.

LittlebitAlexis I'm seeing some of this already. Almost like he is blind to any feelings (lack of) I might have and that everything would be great if I would just be REASONABLE i.e. do as I'm told.

jamaisjedors yep he went to inlaws for a couple of nights and came back seemingly expecting we would 'work at it'. When it became clear I wasn't up for that we had more sobbing that eventually woke up one of the kids - who got up and cried himself and asked was I breaking up with Daddy So much for putting the kids first! We've then moved on to telling me I have mental health issues that go beyond our marriage but he wants to help me; telling me I have to be truthful with the children and tell them I don't love him; then finally he has been supporting the family financially for years and I can't do it by myself so I should be the one to move out and he will be primary carer (again, has no idea). I think he doesn't care how I feel as long as nothing changes.

Oh god, totally the script.

So hard when it's your husband and your family though.

Keep focused on what you want to happen, do what it takes to shut off from him.

I don't think "normal" rules of human decency apply here - I tried that with exh and it worked against me every time.

jamaisjedors did you move out? How did you progress beyond telling him you wanted to separate? I feel he is now using the children to back me into a corner.

if he is already using the children to back you into a corner, then please contact WA etc for advice.

Is there anyway that you could go out with the DC, arrange visitors etc? I know that you want to stay in the home, but it may be better if you left...because he certainly won’t. If you stay he’ll make it as difficult as possible.