EA partner's reaction to split

[MymbleClement]

That really. It was not what I was expecting after years of threats to 'go for 100% custody' etc. He's realised I am serious and has broken down, says he can change 'easily' and wanting physical affection after at least five years of withholding it from me.

I feel incredibly guilty. I've never seen him properly cry in 15 years together. But he's promising the earth and being 'nice' and I've actually never felt so smothered in my life.

Just wondered how other EA partners reacted and how you dealt with it.

@MymbleClement, I was accused of having someone else within 5 minutes of saying I wanted a separation. Probably because he can't compute the fact that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than in his company for one more day. Amusingly enough, HE is already seeing someone else, within 2 months of declaring how lost and broken he was without me, blah blah. She is welcome to him, keeps him out of my way.

everythingbackbutyou two months! I'd be thrilled if mine met someone in two months. Get him off my back a bit. Just shows how bad the marriage has got really.

My ex was doing at the start of our separation and still harassing me.
Sadly it doesn't stop him, it actually makes him worse. Because he supposedly doesn't want to find love in another but I won't take him back Hahahaha
Told emotional shit talk

Total not told

So what if you were shagging the nuts of some hot man in six month's time? That would be brilliant. Apparently he thinks the worst thing he can imagine is you, oh I can barely write it, getting over him!!!!! Do you not know you must mourn the great loss of him for many many years? If you do not then this is a sign that you never really loved him, hence the ludicrous six months shag statement. He of course can hook up immediately. It's like he can't wrap his head around the idea that he has been driving you away for years.

TorkTorkBam

I would also agree for you to hint that You needed thinking space to buy yourself some space from it

Mine was internet dating within three weeks while also delivering 1, 2, 3 and 4 above. Flattering in a way that he couldn’t bear to be without a woman when I called it a day.

We cohabited while selling the house for 14 long months. Probably the worst part of my life. But I focused on legal separation rather than divorce as I knew he’d just stall on the divorce whereas separation would be harder for him to control. Well worth the time and pain investment though.

@Purplewithred that sounds horrendous. I would happily sell the house from under us. I genuinely don't think he realises nothing he says is going to change my mind.

Place marking here......I had not realised until reading this thread that what my exH said to me was in fact a commonplace script. Some of my guilt load has fallen off just reading this, & a lot more is now loose 😅

@BetterAlone it's remarkable isn't it? I was absolutely gobsmacked. It simultaneously made me feel much better but then worse that 'someone like me' had ended up in this position. I'm an assertive feminist but still didn't realise until we were at least six years in. Frog in hot water syndrome!

@MymbleClement

I'm an assertive feminist but still didn't realise until we were at least six years in

I am too. It took me 13 years to leave (and the marriage/relationship was 23 years, just not outright emotional abuse till after dc2 was born).

jamaisjedors makes you feel stupid doesn't it? It did me anyway. I'm glad you are out. I'm trying to focus on how I will feel to be shot of him.

Mine didn't start until after DC3 was born

You will feel amazing. 8 months on I have a moment of joy every day when I realise I don't have to come home to him and worry about his mood, or I can play my music or do whatever I want.

I will dig up a great thread about people who have left controlling/EA partners and their joy at being free.

MymbleClement I hadn't thought of it in assertiveness terms, I'm no shrinking violet normally.

Quite a lot that happened in our relationship over years was good, or at least ok. But over the years (and especially the last 5-10 years) he became more & more EA. And since we've split, I've realised more & more of what happened in our house was not common. When I look back, I used to make so many excuses for his behaviour towards me & others (mainly members of my family).

But initially when we split, I had so so much guilt piled onto me because I wouldn't "try again". Any discussion of what that meant, what would he do/ change, had he listened to how I felt & if so how were we going to deal with that - none of that could be discussed unless I agreed to try again FIRST.

So, some guilt from that remains......but it's so interesting seeing all these phrases on here. He told me that had I left him in the "proper" way he would have been able to deal with it, but as I hadn't, that was why his reaction was (& still is) so extreme.

It helps such a lot to know I am not this monster who has single handedly created the difficult situation the dc & I find ourselves in.

I think assertive women are more at risk. We think we are being strong helping the poor troubled man.

There's a great TED talk by a woman who describes exactly this thinking on her part, which stuck even as her husband held a gun to her head (in USA). I'll try to find it.

Codependency can feel like being the strong one.