EA partner's reaction to split

[MymbleClement]

That really. It was not what I was expecting after years of threats to 'go for 100% custody' etc. He's realised I am serious and has broken down, says he can change 'easily' and wanting physical affection after at least five years of withholding it from me.

I feel incredibly guilty. I've never seen him properly cry in 15 years together. But he's promising the earth and being 'nice' and I've actually never felt so smothered in my life.

Just wondered how other EA partners reacted and how you dealt with it.

Also, as a teacher he won’t want you contacting the police will he?

I would contact them, just as a record of his coercive control.

I have no savings/deposit and I have pets. I couldn't just go. I am going to put some money aside so I can leave

I found a house and moved out, but I was in a fortunate position financially.

He didn't believe I was going right up to the day I got my keys... and then he was admitted to hospital with a psychotic episode and a sort of breakdown.

This made it easier in some ways but was a complete nightmare at the time as I had to move out in a couple of days as he could be released any time.

Another one here testifying to the 'script'! I initiated separation in November and my stbxh has indulged in steps 1 through 4, although he was pretty half hearted about number 2, only saying that perhaps he should go jump off a bridge. I didn't offer to assist...
I laughed out loud about abusers being concerned about what others would think - mine seemed most bothered about the neighbours (who he openly disliked and belittled constantly). Mine also careened from sobbing promises of getting counselling to saying in an anguished voice "I've done NOTHING WRONG". I'm actually glad I stayed so long before making the leap, as I'd done my research and had already decided that none of his reactions would make a difference to my decision. Me and my 3 dc deserve so much more and now I have a peaceful house.

You are making it harder on yourself by talking to him about it. Especially before you have divorce papers in your hand.

I suspect all this angst now is partially designed to drain your energy for the divorce. I would go grey rock if I were you, maybe even pretend you are considering taking him back but need space to think. In the lull get your paperwork sorted, find yourself a solicitor, decide how to handle his entirely predictable nonsense when he sees the papers and knows you are serious.

everythingback well done on getting out. I fantasise about him being gone. I've made a list of all the lovely things I'm going to do when I'm shot of him.

TorkTork I've realised that. I was naive and unprepared for his reaction. Someone I trust has given me the number of the local solicitor she used for her own divorce (from a controlling husband). I've decided to scale it right back and get it all done quietly behind his back. This woman has told me what so many here and in real life have said - it isn't me, and it's possible for me to experience real happiness.

Predictably he's now questioned my mental health and said he has 'concerns' and wants to help me and that he should become primary carer because he's been financially supporting us for years and doesn't think I could. He looked at a one bed flat locally yesterday and told me I should move into it.

So I've contacted Womens Aid for advice.

So predictable. Glad you contacted Women's Aid. Ignore him. Or pretend you've changed your mind about leaving him, until you have all those ducks in a row.

It's super that you have rl support. Your friend sounds great.

How did you react to the one bed flat shite?

TorkTorkBam not only did he look at a flat he lied about it - said he'd already put a holding deposit down. Then later admitted that was a lie.

I said I wasn't prepared to do that.

I'm trying not to get into protracted arguments with him. I'm keeping a diary of everything he's saying and doing and have talked to my children's school. They are really supportive.

I have a lot more support than I thought and that's given me a massive boost. It seems he hasn't fooled everyone.

He sounds awful. So glad you're getting rid of him. Best wishes xxxx

I think that's a big take away message for lurkers. You think everyone else does not see what he is like and think he's great. The thing is people do see it, but they think you are cool with it. Every person is a bit weird and we all run our marriages differently with different compromises. People won't say he's a dick to your face until they know you are leaving. Surely you yourself have hung out with couples where you think That was a great night, Bob and Barbara are a good laugh, god I couldn't be married to someone like that though

Tork you are right. I was astounded to hear that my dad thought I should divorce him years ago. Genuinely thought I was the unreasonable one. The scales have fallen from my eyes.

So. He’s been okay with you being the primary carer to facilitate his career, but as soon as you say it is over, he questions your mental health and thinks he should be ‘primary career’.. .

That is all part of the script. Ignore it.

Try and speak to your GP to have it on record as well.

REignbow yes in a nutshell. He couldn't even go into work a bit later ONCE to help when I had an early meeting, I had to get my parents over - so I don't know how he thinks he would even do it!!

What would I say to my GP though?

I don't know how he thinks he would even do it
This here is your crazy thinking. You need to notice yourself doing it so you can break free. He has absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing all the childcare. He has every intention of pressing all your buttons until one of them makes you cave.

This is like when your toddler says they will make all the dinners for the family from now on if you let them eat chocolate before dinner right now. You don't spend any mental effort wondering how your three year old would meal-plan and cook, except for your own amusement because it is kind of hilarious. You don't get into negotiations. You ignore the cooking all the dinners statement. You continue to withhold the chocolate. You brace yourself to be steely in the face of the imminent screaming tantrum from the hangry toddler. You continue cooking dinner as fast as you can despite the red-faced snotty stomping little man spouting nonsense in the corner shouting that you are the worstest mummy in the whole world and he's going to tell everyone that you are a big meanie mean mummy.

Now he's trying to convince me to go to a solicitor together

I bet he is! He is rightly worried.

Can you stop talking to him about it? Shut the conversation down somehow? Tell him you need time to think on whether you are doing the right thing?

Yeah I think I'll do that. He's trying to force my hand.

@TorkTorkBam, I love this analogy. I think it really helps to put a baby man's behaviour into proportion like this and give the behaviour the weight it deserves.
@MymbleClement, I am cheering you on - your eyes, as you say, are open now and there is no taking that away from you. My stbxh seemed to think at first that I was being unnecessary in starting to draft a formal separation agreement, getting especially antsy at the discussion of division of assets. Now terrified by horror stories he seems to have been fed by people he knows about the evil ex 'taking everything' he has gone ahead and retained a lawyer. I say bring it on! Also laughed about your partner being unable to help out for one morning meeting despite his custody threats. I always wonder how the hell these men think they are going to manage the children full time when they are flummoxed by a tiny hiccup in their schedule.

Just popped in to say I’m another one who’s heard this exact script word for word. Again and again. flips between ex telling me I am mad, crazy, evil, irresponsible, have split up and destroyed the family: and him apologising and promising that he’ll change and he loves me forever and he never meant any of it (oh but it was all my fault in a way anyway but still, he’s sorry)

It is so difficult to keep a clear head

I still can’t help but feel guilty all the time about it - I know I needn’t and I’ve just done my best for my dc but he can still GET to me

Ugh

Love the toddler analogy my ex of course also decided he’d be getting full custody even though I’d been the primary carer up till split doing everything... My problem now is that he won’t accept that we’ve actually split up (even though we HAVE!) and he won’t agree to any routine. He thinks if he does that I’ll meet someone else, or just have fun, I think. I learn from mn this is also not uncommon. Sigh

everything I think a lot of these men are obsessed with the idea of an uppity ex 'taking everything' because they are so used to calling the shots. Also they only place value on their economic contribution and not on raising children etc and are then enraged to discover that the value of both is considered by the courts.

Rosamund I completely get the 'never meant any of it but it was all your fault in a way' - he has been exactly like this.

Also apparently I'm going to be sleeping with someone else within six months