Think DH is competing against me

[Chocolatt]

Has anyone ever experienced this?
I don't feel like DH is on my team at all.

• He seemingly sabotages my organisation- won't use the family calender or 'forgets' to, creating chaos when he has to work late and he's not told me in advance on my late working day and we have no childcare!

• Never seems happy for me when something goes well at work.

-Never compliments my cooking, particularly when I've made a lot of effort. But will say a wonderful a pre-cooked pie is or a shop bought cake- feel like he is doing it on purpose. I am pretty good at cooking and other family and friends will say so, but he never even musters a thank you.

-seems unhappy when I am happy, but as soon as something upsets/saddens me, becomes happy himself.

• will make me feel rubbish and inferior by always disagreeing, being overly pedantic, or saying I am wrong about some minor insignificant detail. Yesterday, it was after I kicked a football at DC1s head (instead of at the goal!) and she was crying with a big red mark on her cheek and I felt awful. I told her she had popped up from nowhere as she had been crouched down and suddenly stood up. Infront of her, DH was saying "no she wasn't at all, she was stood up the whole time." Which I felt was implying I'd aimed for her! I became obviously upset and his mood lifted (he had been grumpy all day previously) and he started calling me "sweetheart."

• He will correct me infront of friends and completely derail my story.

• Will delay bedtimes, bath times, leaving the house on time with the DCs as if subconsciously to make everything late and me anxious and irritable. He knows I hate being late and appears to go out of his way to do so. This makes him look like happy Dad and me, miserable mummy.

• I the past has kept money to himself and has complained in the past that I should not have the same amount of disposable income as him as I "only work part time" due to having pre-school DCs.

• Is only intimate on his terms, will turn me down claiming to be tired but will particularly want it if I'm tired. Also will want it if I have my pyjamas on and never if Im already naked, which I find odd!

• Ensures he has his freedom and hobbies etc but doesn't seem too bothered about me getting my free time. He will say " you know you can do what you like" but does not support me in doing so.

• He won't plan our lives with me, he won't sit and discuss finances easily.

• seems to say the opposite and do the opposite of what I say and want. I just don't feel he's on my side at all.

Good plan, OP.

Could you squirrel away some money by EBaying or selling things on?

I've managed to save £1500 in PayPal & £500 in cash, plus child benefit in a separate account.

Good job, well done.
Get copies of bank statements, pension statements, birth certificates and other important documents and save away from home.
Treasures need to slowly leave the house as well and be stored elsewhere.

@Chocolatt, sending you hugs and strength - you CAN do this. I did it in November and before that never dreamed I was as strong as I showed myself to be. I separated from my stbxh of 20 years with 3 kids (2 of whom preschoolers) and my reasons were eerily similar to yours. My situation (and yours by the sound of it) was actually summarised so well by Anna Faris when she said "“Life is too short to be in relationships where you feel this isn’t fully right or somebody doesn’t have your back, or somebody doesn’t fully value you." When I read that a couple of years ago I realised she had hit the nail on the head. Your partner should absolutely have your back and build you up, but mine seemed dedicated to keeping me in my place, forever trying to paint me as mean, selfish, lazy, stupid etc. without coming out and directly calling me those things. Most of the time he acted like he hated me.
@Treacletoots, my stbxh did a similar thing with denial - if I ever called him on something he was insinuating, he would demand I stop "putting words in his mouth". Utter cunt.
@Chocolatt, take strength in the fact that your eyes are now open and you are already on the journey to freedom. When the time is right to leave, you will know.

Take a copy of:
His work salary slip
Bank statements
Credit card statements
Share certificates
Life insurance
Mortgage statement

Make sure you have squirreled away safely:
Your passport
Birth certificates and other similar documents

Set up a bank account in your own name that he can't access

Have all the phone numbers of suppliers etc that you will need to transfer over to your bank account when you split. Also have enough money saved to cover the first month of bills and pay upfront over the phone (in case they have a delay in switching the direct debit over) to help protect your credit status.

Get a credit card and make one small purchase a month, setting it up so you pay off the balance in full each month. This will help your credit score if all the finances are in his name.

When you leave, freeze any joint accounts/ joint credit cards to prevent him from punishing you by driving up debt (you will have to split any debt)...I speak with the voice of experience

My stbxh would also pretend that I was free to do what I wanted, whilst at the same time making it a practical impossibility. If I wanted a couple of hours to myself at the mall at the weekend, for example, my little ones would inevitably ask to come. DH would tell them sorrowfully that "Mummy doesn't want you to come". The insinuation, of course, was that I was a selfish cold hearted bitch for wanting a little breathing room after being primary carer all week and most of the weekend as well (seeing as he always had pressing jobs to do at the weekend that would need to be carried out basically anywhere the kids weren't - garage/errands/yard etc.). Him being home was far harder than me being home alone with the children, as my role in life at the weekend/in the evenings was basically to run interference so he could do whatever he wanted undisturbed by stuff like parenting, and batting the children out of his way to prevent a man baby hissy fit.

What childcare does he do or is it evenly balanced? It is common for them to target your vulnerable areas, fears of losing your children or financial concerns. Unfortunately many men have used the courts to get 50% child contact because it punishes the mum.

Do you have close family? If so make sure they are aware, a great deal of people outside the marriage will have no clue about him or abusive men. When I explained to family about his reactions they couldn't understand it (and assumed I must have said more to provoke him) because it is so irrational.

How are his relationships with previous Ex's as that might give you a clue to how hd will react.
I would also suggest you read books, Dr Ramani is one author. I second Patricia Evans, The verbally abusive relationship as it explains the tactics used. Are you aware of the idealise, devalue & discard cycle?

You literally made a list of reasons why you should leave this horrible man.

He is not on your side and I can't say he actually loves you at this point either and you don't deserve that!

He is engaging in a calculated process of attempting to chip away at your self worth. As previous posters have suggested, start to compile necessary documentation and establish an escape plan (plan for two scenarios, one where you leave the house in case his abuse escalates and one where you stay and he leaves). There will come a point where you will no longer be able to stand the sight of him, or will start to fear for your safety. You will need to be prepared for when this happpens. Good luck.

Sounds like he has emotionally checked out of this relationship. I would ask him outright do you want to remain married to me or not? If he says yes then tell him things must change. If he won't change leave him. You would be happier without him.

How does he react to you kicking back?
When he corrects you and you say "Do you feel better for doing that?, you do it a lot maybe you should work on your self esteem, before I run out of excuses for you and leave"
When he fucks up the rota and you say "Do you not get bored of always being the dick that fucks shit up for everyone else? Have you got a memory problem or are you smoking weed? Only you do it a lot and it's pretty basic shit, maybe you could get some help for that? Ya know before I run out of excuses for you and leave"
With thge sex "Do you really not know how to do sex properly yet? Only it's pretty basic stuff and I'm running out of vibraters and excuses for you. Sod this I'm just gonna leave"

OR just
"I've had enough of your petty bullshit, I'm gone mate. Do me a favour and learn how to not be an absolute cunt before contacting me again"

I had all that with my now EX . Life is much more pleasant now

This sounds awful OP, don't minimise it. It's good you have started to recognise it. That is a lot of stuff he is doing, too much to be a coincidence. It's abusive and you need to get away before he grinds you right down.

@Boredbumhead bloody hell, if he had an N name I might have him in my book of exes! That ex went from crying to eyecontact and then wiped his face and told me "I'm good aren't I"
Hed just admitted to cheating on me, but only because I made him so miserable and supposed friends were tut tutting at me for 'forcing' him to cheat!

Where will he go OP?
Its not your problem
Ducks in a row..
Look at the next few weeks right now.Deal with the rest when you're able

So sorry to all of you who are going through or have been through this bollox. We do put up with a lot from men, don't we?

@Chocolatt Lol I love that you're using reverse psychology on him. I hope that you're able to make a move as soon as you feel ready. xxxxx

OP, wishing you strength.

He sounds so awful.
You sound as if you have the measure of him.

The only thing that I would say is double up on your contraception.

💐