Think DH is competing against me

[Chocolatt]

Has anyone ever experienced this?
I don't feel like DH is on my team at all.

• He seemingly sabotages my organisation- won't use the family calender or 'forgets' to, creating chaos when he has to work late and he's not told me in advance on my late working day and we have no childcare!

• Never seems happy for me when something goes well at work.

-Never compliments my cooking, particularly when I've made a lot of effort. But will say a wonderful a pre-cooked pie is or a shop bought cake- feel like he is doing it on purpose. I am pretty good at cooking and other family and friends will say so, but he never even musters a thank you.

-seems unhappy when I am happy, but as soon as something upsets/saddens me, becomes happy himself.

• will make me feel rubbish and inferior by always disagreeing, being overly pedantic, or saying I am wrong about some minor insignificant detail. Yesterday, it was after I kicked a football at DC1s head (instead of at the goal!) and she was crying with a big red mark on her cheek and I felt awful. I told her she had popped up from nowhere as she had been crouched down and suddenly stood up. Infront of her, DH was saying "no she wasn't at all, she was stood up the whole time." Which I felt was implying I'd aimed for her! I became obviously upset and his mood lifted (he had been grumpy all day previously) and he started calling me "sweetheart."

• He will correct me infront of friends and completely derail my story.

• Will delay bedtimes, bath times, leaving the house on time with the DCs as if subconsciously to make everything late and me anxious and irritable. He knows I hate being late and appears to go out of his way to do so. This makes him look like happy Dad and me, miserable mummy.

• I the past has kept money to himself and has complained in the past that I should not have the same amount of disposable income as him as I "only work part time" due to having pre-school DCs.

• Is only intimate on his terms, will turn me down claiming to be tired but will particularly want it if I'm tired. Also will want it if I have my pyjamas on and never if Im already naked, which I find odd!

• Ensures he has his freedom and hobbies etc but doesn't seem too bothered about me getting my free time. He will say " you know you can do what you like" but does not support me in doing so.

• He won't plan our lives with me, he won't sit and discuss finances easily.

• seems to say the opposite and do the opposite of what I say and want. I just don't feel he's on my side at all.

I’d tell him all that and see what he says.
He sounds awful though. What’s the point of being with someone who’s not on your side and who doesn’t support you? And to sabotage as well? Not someone to spend your life with.

All abuse is about control. If he punched you in the face he would have you feeling inferior, frightened, confused etc. He is doing the same but he’s found a clever subtle way to do it.
It’s very hard to be in a neutral place in a two person partnership, if he’s not for you ( and he isn’t) he’s against you. You are meant to be a team.
Do you want dd growing up absorbing this thinking it’s what a relationship is?

You are giong to have to be incredibly assertive, picking him up every time he does it, saying “ this is an example of what I’ve been saying”

If you feel like you have never really found the way to talk to him about it, Write down all the examples as above, tell him you are utterly fed up with it and that things need to change, and refer back to that every time.

Or go straight to a good lawyer.

Either way her your ducks in a row, it will give you confidence.

He sounds absolutely awful. What he’s doing is extremely manipulative and planned. The advice about possibly being on the spectrum or having an abusive father is just an excuse.

Plenty of people grow up with abusive parents and poor parental examples but they don’t behave like this. I would show him this thread and divorce him. Your kids will be seeing all this and the effect it has on you.

He sounds like my ex, who I have just dumped. He was a controlling, abusive, bullying man who always seemed to want me to be on the back foot. It’s a horrible way to live.

Read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. You will get a light bulb moment.

Gosh, mine was like that too.

It's supposed to be a partnership.

In my case, it led me to question his behaviour & he definitely had narcissistic traits (lack of empathy, needing to be right, punishing etc),

It changed how I felt about him.

So our relationship is over.

Sounds like a mix of Lundy Bancroft's "Headworker" and "Water Torturor".

Have a google and see if that resonates.

I've never said it before, but I'm saying it now - LTB

seems unhappy when I am happy, but as soon as something upsets/saddens me, becomes happy himself
I don't think there's anything you'll be able to do to change this. You'd be better off splitting

Oh, and google Avoidant Personality Types.

Sounds like my ex too. Sadly, if he IS like my ex, he wants out. He's too scared to tell to your face so he uses all the other tactics.

After a horrific divorce, I'm now 10000000000000 times happier and cannot believe that I put up with the moody, boring man child for so long.

Good luck x

You poor thing, that’s a horrid way to live.I really do think you should consider leaving him, you deserve better.

Op, I just read the thread and see that people are advising couples counselling. Please do not do this.
Women’s aid advice against it in abusive relationships, which you are certainly in.
Go to women’s aid website and take a look.

I don’t think it sounds like he wants out. He’s just abusive, cruel and unkind! He’s a bully and horribly controlling. Men like this don’t want ‘out’ they want to stay and mentally torture their victim.

It doesn't read like he is competing against you, it reads like he hates you.

More fool you if you stay, he will not change.

He sounds almost exactly like my ex my ex. Life is so much better without him in it, Running me down and undermining everything i used to do. Now I'm making my own choices, i do what I want in my own time and I'm much much much happier as are my kids. I recommend it.

That's not normal at all. Why are you with him and even want to have sex with him? That's also not normal when someone is treating you badly.

Have other people noticed?

I didn't really see what my XH was doing until friends and family took me to one said and said 'does he always say/do/behave like/that?' Which made leaving him easier, others were saying what took you so long. If he's doing it only in private, sneakily, in some ways it's worse because he realises how bad it is and can only do it when others won't pull him up on it.

Either way, he's a twunt. And an insecure one, I expect.

Sounds exhausting. What do you get out of this relationship?

Your DH is abusive. He gets pleasure out of you suffering.

Please don't waste years trying to understand him or get him to change. He won't. His brain works differently to yours. He's not a kind person and will never be.

Do you want this person being your next of kin when you're old and frail? He'll make you suffer.

Get out as soon as you can, please.

You definitely need to read the abuser profiles. He's in there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

This is abuse.

You have listed very clearly lots of examples of abusive behaviour without being able to name it. It is not easy to identify it when you’re in it.

As lots of people have already said, he is a controlling bully and he is getting worse as you have noticed. He will not change. Sitting down and talking to him will not change him. He knows he is doing this. He won’t admit what he is. Joint counselling will not lead to an epiphany where he suddenly understands and says ‘oh my God I have been a complete abusive shit, I will change from now on ‘. No chance.

You need to think about getting out of this relationship. It is a dreadful prospect, I know. But he will grind you into the dirt if you don’t get out of this. Take steps now - secretly get legal advice from a solicitor who has experience of abusive marriages. This man is on a mission to make life harder for you, he deliberately puts obstacles in your way, so it won’t be easy.

Finally ask your self if the actions and behaviour you describe in your OP are the actions of someone who loves and respects you. They are not. He is a vile bully. Don’t listen to what he says...he is telling you who he is already. Good luck. You and your dcs deserve much much better than this.

He sounds so very similar to my stbxh. I left. I'm so so much happier, despite him still trying to assert control in some ways (messing around with pick up/drop off times with the kids, saying I've said x y and z or agreed to things when I haven't) but I don't have to be in a relationship with him so it doesn't affect me.

I would seriously consider leaving, op. It's not going to get better. A pp made a good point, have others noticed? Friends of mine did, as did my parents and work colleagues.

My current partner is like the complete opposite, I actually cannot believe what I put up with for so long.

Read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that?’ Be prepared to feel punched in the gut when you read where this behaviour is coming from and that it’s definitely deliberate.

I felt sucker punched for far less obvious things

This is abuse. He is gaslighting you are more besides. It won't get better.
Have you considered leaving?

He doesn't like you