Think DH is competing against me

[Chocolatt]

Has anyone ever experienced this?
I don't feel like DH is on my team at all.

• He seemingly sabotages my organisation- won't use the family calender or 'forgets' to, creating chaos when he has to work late and he's not told me in advance on my late working day and we have no childcare!

• Never seems happy for me when something goes well at work.

-Never compliments my cooking, particularly when I've made a lot of effort. But will say a wonderful a pre-cooked pie is or a shop bought cake- feel like he is doing it on purpose. I am pretty good at cooking and other family and friends will say so, but he never even musters a thank you.

-seems unhappy when I am happy, but as soon as something upsets/saddens me, becomes happy himself.

• will make me feel rubbish and inferior by always disagreeing, being overly pedantic, or saying I am wrong about some minor insignificant detail. Yesterday, it was after I kicked a football at DC1s head (instead of at the goal!) and she was crying with a big red mark on her cheek and I felt awful. I told her she had popped up from nowhere as she had been crouched down and suddenly stood up. Infront of her, DH was saying "no she wasn't at all, she was stood up the whole time." Which I felt was implying I'd aimed for her! I became obviously upset and his mood lifted (he had been grumpy all day previously) and he started calling me "sweetheart."

• He will correct me infront of friends and completely derail my story.

• Will delay bedtimes, bath times, leaving the house on time with the DCs as if subconsciously to make everything late and me anxious and irritable. He knows I hate being late and appears to go out of his way to do so. This makes him look like happy Dad and me, miserable mummy.

• I the past has kept money to himself and has complained in the past that I should not have the same amount of disposable income as him as I "only work part time" due to having pre-school DCs.

• Is only intimate on his terms, will turn me down claiming to be tired but will particularly want it if I'm tired. Also will want it if I have my pyjamas on and never if Im already naked, which I find odd!

• Ensures he has his freedom and hobbies etc but doesn't seem too bothered about me getting my free time. He will say " you know you can do what you like" but does not support me in doing so.

• He won't plan our lives with me, he won't sit and discuss finances easily.

• seems to say the opposite and do the opposite of what I say and want. I just don't feel he's on my side at all.

I don't think he likes you much and is getting pleasure from your distress

This is toxic behaviour, plain and simple.

And in my experience, the best way to deal with toxic behaviour is to get as far away from it as you possibly can (easier said than done I know).

Speaking from my experience, the relief and joy of escaping toxic behaviour / people is enormous.

Regardless of my previous post, you must do what is right for you.

But to answer your original question:
^*Has anyone ever experienced this?
I don't feel like DH is on my team at all. *^

Yes, I recognise a lot within what you say. I’ve experienced similar toxic behaviours from friends (so called), work colleagues and family also. Felt at times that certain people were continuously trying to out-manoeuvre me.

For what reason? Could be jealousy. Could be for their own (sick) entertainment. Could be hatred.

Can’t say for sure in your case. But those are my thoughts based on my experiences.

He is a very insecure man. He lives through other people a lot, he is unable to plan his own life and live his own life, he talks about other people and what they're doing constantly. He flits between being in awe of people (usually with lots of money) or being highly critical of them. In the outside world though, he is the kindest, nicest, gentlest man.
He has never liked the way he looks and lives by the philosophy of doing as little as you can where you can, but enough good for people to think he's wonderful. For example, at work he will be the first to change your flat tyre, but the last to compile an important presentation (and the only person who will know that he woke at 4am to do it hours beforehand and stomped around like a bear with a sore head for 48 hours is me).
Why am I here?
I can't cope with the kids.
We have 2 young DCs, I am on my knees with exhaustion and he gets up with them early in the mornings when I have been awake with them during the night. This is the primary reason I haven't left. I went away for 4 days with the DCs last year as a trial run- I was a wreck. I need his help practically at home as they are so needy of me at the moment.
I will leave, I have already seen the solicitor, I have regular counselling to help me along the way, it's a case of muddling through for the next 2 years when they eventually begin school.

OP

That's what I did - waited till the youngest started school & tried to get my ducks lined up.

Take care of yourself.

What sort of counselling are you having?. Are you finding it helpful. Women’s aid would be worth talking to in your circumstances.

What extra support do you need with regards to your children?.

I realise what you write about these children but another two years with him will just wear you down even more and by then you could well talk yourself into staying with him again. Staying with him until your children start school is not an action I would recommend. It is not easy to leave but it is damn harder staying and you taking abuse from your husband. Your children will see this too, you cannot fully protect them from seeing his abuse of you.

I had an oppositional partner like that. Tried to make things work for 10 years. He's now my ex.

What is it about the children that's so exhausting? Is it that they wake during the night?

You are going to feel like you're on holiday when you do leave this man.

I've just read 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship,' www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1440504636?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 would recommend it. A lot of what he's doing is apparently called 'countering'- it makes him feel better to disagree with everything you say. He also gaslighted you and tried to cause problems in your relationship with your children, by claiming your DD was standing up when she wasn't, to make you sound either violent or thick.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat , two years of this bollox is a long time to wait. I'm sure that if you were getting the DCs up on your own you'd find a system/way of doing it after a while.

I imagine there are other abusive/difficult things he's doing.

You might find The Freedom Programme useful- if you can't get somewhere in the flesh (which I'd recommend though, as you'd meet other women in the same boat) you can do it online freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It must be so unpleasant. Hugs xxxxx

I think you’ll find your 2 children easier to handle when you’re not dealing with his shit on top of it.

What support have you got around you, OP?

Family, friends?

(I had no family nearby & was new to the area which resulted in me staying longer than I wanted).

He sounds like a total arse
Why are you still with him?

Sorry somehow I missed your update

Two years is a very long time to put up with this OP, I would seriously consider getting in a routine and getting rid

OP. He does sound like a world class cunt. Sorry you are having to live through this right now, very much hope that things will be better in the future.

Gaslighting, alone, is an enormous red flag. My ex did this (among many other things) and it drove me to a breakdown. The biggest regret of my life is not having left the first time he did it. Fast forward 16 years, he's now doing exactly the same to DD1. She's called him on it and has zero respect for him. Please look after yourself and stand up for yourself.

Good plan

Can you afford and house an au-pair?

Is him getting up with the kids really worth the trade-off for being completely wearing the rest of the time? You may have been knackered when leaving for four days before with both of them, but don't discount the overall toll his draining behaviour and attempts to sabotage you are taking.

It is usually really tiring to cope on your own with the kids to begin with but especially more so when you have had the life sucked out of you by an unsupportive partner. Honestly, the exhaustion lifts once you aren't constantly being angry and stressed by your partner in addition to the other pressures of parenting.

Have you got friends and family who could support you in the short-term to leave?

Maybe your energy drain will stop if you can detach mentally from his nonsense to the extent you can play a bit of a game with it.

Like, if you want him to be nice to you then you feign upset. Or if you need him to be home on time pretend you really don't want him home early. If you want a reminder that he's a dick, pretend something went brilliantly at work to observe him choosing to tear you down. Cook from scratch but pretend it came from Sainsbury's so you get a compliment.

Play him to your advantage seeing as it is possible now you have seen through him and you no longer have to worry about the long term living with him. Don't let him know he's being played. The goal is to survive and thrive not to fix or scold the poor troubled man.

You know your exhaustion is probably hugely exacerbated by the mental toll he constantly puts on you? Have you been to the GP about how tired you are, just in case there's an underlying reason? I got to the point where I had chronic migraines due to the stress of living with my ex. They stopped the day I moved out, do not underestimate the effect that mental stress can have on you physically.

Please believe me, his behaviour and treatment of you will be affecting them also. How young are they? (Rough age group if you don't want to be too identifying with detail) do they go to nursery or school?

Oh yes, I had one of these too. Classic passive-aggressive abuse. With my ex I wasn't entirely sure how consciously deliberate it was, because he believed himself to be Mr Lovely and convinced himself he was, but this shit would keep happening.

I think some men, especially those who see themselves as modern and feminist, have difficulty reconciling that with an inner need to be top dog and not outshone by a woman. (Not saying all men have that need of course.) Hence things like passive aggressine "non-coperation" and gaslighting, because they can subtly undermine you and make you anxious and miserable, but can act all innocent and convince you (and in some cases maybe themselves too) that it's not happening.

By the end I could predict it and it was like playing bingo. I would test it out by making up suggestions or giving him random info on purpose, just to watch him contradict me for the sake of it.

He also always had to throw a spanner in the works (or several) if anything was about me and not centred on him. One day we all went as a family to get a new computer for me which I needed and had the money for thanks to a work bonus. It was an awful day in which I counted multiple incidents of him gaslighting, putting me down in front of computer store staff, bullying the DC and just being a twat, exactly as I'd predicted. I'll always remember that day because it was the day I knew I couldn't do it any more and had to leave.

He sounds like my ex. Although my ex also used to 'accidentally' break my things and/or hide things that I/the dc needed and then profess ignorance (plus affairs, financial control/abuse and trapped me in a room a couple of times and wouldn't let me out).

He's also a 'nice guy' and makes sure everyone loves him. But yes, he's different to those closest to him. And likes to make those closest to him look bad to other people, so that he looks better.

Note that he's my ex.

I feel sorry for his current DP as from what the dc say, she's getting some of the same treatment from him but hasn't realised yet that the problem is him, not her.

I also thought that I couldn't parent on my own. Turns out it was much easier parenting when I wasn't being undermined all the time! And I realise the reason I thought I couldn't do it, was because he'd worked on my self esteem to make me think I couldn't cope without him.

I'm now able to see the abuse. I was with him for a long time. It didn't get any better. As time went on it got worse, and I became a shell of who I am. I wouldn't want that to happen to you. You seem to be able to see what he's doing. You're worth more than that, and if you leave him you'll find you're a great mum who can cope, and you'll feel so much better.

Oh and the day I told him it was over, I felt this huge weight of anxiety and stress lifting from me - it was the burden of having to try to like and love him because he was my partner, as well and the stress of dealing with his constant PA crap. I remember walking down the street and taking in huge gulps of air because it was like I could breathe for the first time in years.

Oh and all the stuff about being nice to all and sundry and being insecure and living through sucking up to or putting down other people - I could have written all that word for word too.

I know it's hard but whether you do it now or later, leaving will help you regain your self and your power. Remember he should have the DC sometimes and you'll get a break, plus they get older and easier as time goes on.

If you can't do it yet, plan to do it, dream of doing it, start looking at options - that helps you feel more in control. I dreamed of my own place and a life without him. I imagined my future self telling me I'd done it and broken free. And now here I am and I have, happily single, have my own place, kids are settled. You can and will do it.

and a (((hug)))

He sound emotionally abusive. I mean he actually seems to enjoy himself when you're feeling down. I know people that ensure that when they're feeling down, they make damn well sure they drag everyone else with them and they feel resentful if that person's happy. What kind of love is that?

He might feel trapped in your relationship and he genuinely dislikes you or resents you for it.

@amillionwishes This is worth noting. I listened to a neurologist researcher a while ago who suggested that some people express their stress physically rather than in terms of expression (crying, feeling really shit). It can bypass that and just make you ill physically instead.