Think DH is competing against me

[Chocolatt]

Has anyone ever experienced this?
I don't feel like DH is on my team at all.

• He seemingly sabotages my organisation- won't use the family calender or 'forgets' to, creating chaos when he has to work late and he's not told me in advance on my late working day and we have no childcare!

• Never seems happy for me when something goes well at work.

-Never compliments my cooking, particularly when I've made a lot of effort. But will say a wonderful a pre-cooked pie is or a shop bought cake- feel like he is doing it on purpose. I am pretty good at cooking and other family and friends will say so, but he never even musters a thank you.

-seems unhappy when I am happy, but as soon as something upsets/saddens me, becomes happy himself.

• will make me feel rubbish and inferior by always disagreeing, being overly pedantic, or saying I am wrong about some minor insignificant detail. Yesterday, it was after I kicked a football at DC1s head (instead of at the goal!) and she was crying with a big red mark on her cheek and I felt awful. I told her she had popped up from nowhere as she had been crouched down and suddenly stood up. Infront of her, DH was saying "no she wasn't at all, she was stood up the whole time." Which I felt was implying I'd aimed for her! I became obviously upset and his mood lifted (he had been grumpy all day previously) and he started calling me "sweetheart."

• He will correct me infront of friends and completely derail my story.

• Will delay bedtimes, bath times, leaving the house on time with the DCs as if subconsciously to make everything late and me anxious and irritable. He knows I hate being late and appears to go out of his way to do so. This makes him look like happy Dad and me, miserable mummy.

• I the past has kept money to himself and has complained in the past that I should not have the same amount of disposable income as him as I "only work part time" due to having pre-school DCs.

• Is only intimate on his terms, will turn me down claiming to be tired but will particularly want it if I'm tired. Also will want it if I have my pyjamas on and never if Im already naked, which I find odd!

• Ensures he has his freedom and hobbies etc but doesn't seem too bothered about me getting my free time. He will say " you know you can do what you like" but does not support me in doing so.

• He won't plan our lives with me, he won't sit and discuss finances easily.

• seems to say the opposite and do the opposite of what I say and want. I just don't feel he's on my side at all.

@CatInTheDaytime That sounds horrible. I think I might be experiencing some gaslighting in my current relationship and it makes you question yourself. You can't have it out with someone who won't admit to something. The biggest revelation for me is that I've had to start relying on my own 'barometer' of what's happening because what he says is different to how he behaves or what he does. I might be quite sensitive as well which doesn't help, but I'm tired of living with someone who injects stress into situation where there doesn't need to be. It frustrating when someone has a taught face, they're sighing and they standing in the doorway with their hand on their hip, speaking to you in almost a berating tone even though you've literally done nothing wrong but they claim they're not stressed and everything's fine.

Yes Candy that all sounds familiar. Mine had a huge thing about anger - he claimed he was never angry, but you could see the fury and resentment in he face. If I said he looked angry he would yell "I'm NOT ANGRY!"

The cognitive dissonance between what I was experiencing and his insistence otherwise - in so many ways, not just that one - drove me to extreme anxiety with panic attacks. Which of course was me being weak and unstable while he played the strong one - he would even "perform" comforting me and being kind, while continuing to do the gaslighting and passive aggression. It was such a headfuck.

In reality, separated from the situation, I'm the stronger one with much more of a sense of myself, and I think that's part of what he felt the need to crush down.

He is sabotaging you/your life.

If you split, he gets the children eow and maybe in the week too. That will be respite for you.

Do you have any family near?

Kids won't be little and exhausting forever. Right now you should consider choosing the lesser of two evils, whatever that is for you. Tired with children (temporary) or taken the piss out of by that dickhead you call husband (people hardly ever change)?

Top tip if you do slip:

Don't try to co-parent with him. He'll just try to compete and use the dc to do it. Try the "different house, different rules" thing instead.

It's also worth learning about how to grey rock him (making yourself completely boring to him and refusing to react) so that he doesn't get what he wants from you.

*split....not slip!

He sounds exactly like my best friends husband. I would love her to leave, but they are both religious so highly unlikely.

Her life basically revolves around her children.

She is allowed two friends.

Me, but he sits in on our every interaction

A woman our age, who is an old before her time sort, who he looks down on and sees as no threat.

Whenever I try and do stuff solo she always says "I'd love to, but it's not going to happen"

If you don't count me, and they both do, but I don't; he has no friends.

Sounds like he sucks your joy to make himself feel more adequate- yuke

OP, he sounds classic covert narcisstic personality disordered..shuddered when I read your post as so familiar. Passive aggressive behaviour but to outside world they are charming.

If he is this type then you have to leave quietly do not confront him about leaving and don't assume he will be reasonable or fair. I made tje mistake of assuming he would be amicable but the backlash was horrendous and vindictive.

OP you cannot stay with this for two more years. You just can't. He is abusive, the psychological damage will just get worse and worse.

You will feel so much better without him in your daily life, that will help you cope. You can try sleep training. Perhaps your DC will settle down more without him messing around with their bedtimes and so on. You can go to bed earlier yourself.

Why not take a few months to intensively sort out the sleep behaviour? And get your ducks in a row.

Hi Chocolatte - I’m wondering if you feel so exhausted as he exhausts you. When I was married to my abusive ex it would take me an afternoon to recover from spending a morning with him and my son.
The way they addle you’re mind is so tiresome. I now barely nap in the afternoon since he went and my mind is so much clearer.
Good luck.

Also, have you been sharing all this with your counselor? Because I would think any decent counselor would have helped you see by now that he is not 'competing against you', he is abusing you.

As someone who exited a relationship like this with DC aged 1 &5, while working a full time job, I can testify that it is much less exhausting being out of the relationship than in it.

Countering is exactly what he does. Although he will always say that he has to look at the "other side" of every opinion and can't help it. His sister does this also I have noticed, I think it's a trait they have observed through their parents.
I have always tried to display better, loving, supportive behaviour. Until recently. I have started countering back. The first time I did it, it took him by surprise, he didn't get angry or upset, but clearly felt a little knocked down or inferior. I've since done it several other times and it has had a similar effect. He even agreed with my differing view one one occasion.

Like the idea of playing psychological bingo with him, just to keep me sane until leaving time comes. I have noticed that he will often do the opposite of what I ask or want so have begun requesting opposites and it is working. We eve left the house before our intended leaving time yesterday through me asking for opposites. Interestingly, me experiencing "normal behaviour" made me realise just how difficult and trying his everyday behaviour can be,I often feel like I'm trying to move boulders.

He is very helpful practically with the children, hence why I stay. There is scope for things to change this summer if I an desperate to escape him.

@Chocolatt, once ex realised I was on to him (I tried to put in place boundaries he started to gaslight and smear me. He was also keen to get a reaction so that he could claim I was crazy.

@techway my DH has also admitted to antagonisting me. He says I'm "psycho", I am at times. He is so calm and collected.

Be aware that he may already have spent years making you look bad behind your back. Mine did.

Also be prepared for him to say that you have been doing to him, what he did to you. They need to be the victim and so will someone appropriate their own victim's story. (Mine even went so far as to actually put one of my job titles on his cv. Crazy!)

You are unlikely to be able to persuade people that he's lying. Except for those who've been on the wrong end of his behaviour. So you need to let go of your reputation. (I tried to counter what he'd said. It didn't work and just made me look deranged/a liar).

He says I'm "psycho", I am at times. He is so calm and collected.

With mine I realised that what he wanted was to make me angry, or emotional in whatever way, so that I was the crazy, unstable one and he could play the calm one. The more this happens, the more destabilised you become, because you have actually lost your temper, shouted or had a panic attack or whatever, so you can then start to believe that it's you who's "psycho".

One theory is that some people do this to externalise feelings in themselves that they cannot bear to deal with or admit to. So for example my ex refused to accept that he was ever angry, because he was Mr Nice Guy who never got angry (*he clearly did, but he wouldn't accept that). By making me angry by doing things like gaslighting and negating me, he could have that anger expressed, while convincing himself he was oh so calm and reasonable.

I don't know how correct that is but pondering these things helped me see it all in a more detached way, and have my buttons pushed less. I also used to write down what he'd done each day and why it upset me, to anchor what I was experiencing for myself, so I knew it wasn't true when he made out he had no part in upsetting me.

Great idea re writing it all down @catinthedaytime .

I think you are right. I think DH projects his own anger and emotions through me. He is so mundane, unresponsive and unemotional, I often think there is really a volcano bubbling away under it all. It's actually a little unnerving. I would feel more at ease with someone who shouted in frustration or cried a lot.

@Wrybread, Be aware that he may already have spent years making you look bad behind your back. Mine did

100%. I once found out that Ex had told a friend of his something ridiculous about me, his friend even asked "why would she do that?" because it made no sense to anyone..he just replied (in best victim voice) "I don't know", the implication was I was completely irrational. Once we separated his smear campaign went into overdrive and he had a scorched earth policy, eradicating everyone from his life who knew us both (and therefore knew I wasn't the irrational person he was trying to portray). His external image was/is vital to him.

@CatInTheDaytime, exact same. Ex would be furious but at best admit he was frustrated.

@Chocolatt, I was you. Can't believe the similarities. I persuaded Ex to go to counselling as he did acknowledge PA behaviour however all a years worth of counselling achieved was to unleash the anger that was underneath so your analysis is very accurate.

Rather than passive he became full on aggressive, but only to me. I recall him switching behaviour when someone else walked in the room so I knew he had control of it. It is pretty terrifying to live like this and I become ill with autoimmune conditions as a result of the stress (fight or flight mode) so please take your health seriously. If I can support you please reach out as I know how this feels.

I also kept a journal and this helped validate my feelings and kept me strong through the divorce as it is so hard not to reflect on the good times. Eventually I have come to terms with the fact that Ex is disordered (due to childhood abuse and probadly genetics) however I did love him very much once. His mental health means he will never be able to have a healthy relationship so he will always be destructive to those he has relationships with.

You are probably right about the volcano bubbling underneath. That's why you have to prepare to leave very very stealthily. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

Glad to hear opposite world is being effective. If you keep any kind of written record make it very secure.

My ex often used to call me a psychopath too. Talk about projection! He used to get me really wound up and angry and then record my reaction on his phone as evidence that I was abusive!! He also did all the oppositional stuff you suggest. He also liked to ruin events where I had put in a lot of effort. For instance on Christmas morning he would barrage me with questions about how much id spent and questions about my finances. We didn't share finances so it was my business, but it was just being done to undermine my generosity in front of the kids.

My advice if considering leaving would be to do it in micro stages so he hardly notices. Find somewhere to move your stuff, one thing at a time, very slowly. Start spending less time with him and slowly diminish contact over time. Slowly slowly does it. Finally you will have left before he knows what's happened. This has to be done over about 2 years. Become really boring and non communicative. I don't know what you would do to get him to leave a house, as I had to leave a beloved family home as it was the only way to get away from him.

Think about slowly weaning him off you. A sudden break won't work, it has to be so subtle that he doesn't know what's happening.

@Boredbumhead yes, I've begun detaching from him. He has always said that he would leave should we separate but I know this isn't really the case.
I've begun a plan to increase my finances in the mean time with scope for a further increase at the point of separation.
I'm also in the process of selling and giving away surplus stuff. This is a difficult one as DH is a hoarder, but I am managing to do it in small stages.
It's so refreshing hearing from others who have successfully broken away before. I was hoping to separate with me still on a minimal income to support my young DCs (massively reduced my working hours and changed to a less stressful, lower paid role after DCs) but I don't want to have to rely on him too much for anything. He likes that I 'need' him financially right now.
I have already spoken to my manager at work about my situation (in a diluted fashion) and I think she will help me increase my role again and hours over time. If she doesn't, I'm working on a plan B and exploring employment elsewhere.
In terms of practically getting my 'ducks in a row'- what else do I need to do?