Porn: please help

[rosie2345]

Hi everyone,

Please be kind/patient with me, I genuinely want and need help with this issue.

I am terribly insecure about the idea of my boyfriend watching porn. Just to be really clear up front, I know that most men do it, and I don’t want to tell him that he can’t.

I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are, but I can’t help but feel so insecure about the idea of him getting off to other women. I wish I could say it was an ethical issue, but it isn’t, I just hate the idea of him wanking over other women and it makes me feel cheated on/insecure about my body.

I didn’t always used to feel this way and I think I can pretty clearly trace my issues back to a boyfriend who used porn instead of having sex with me, and told me so (he also hit me, so of course I am aware that he was just a terrible person...but evidently it has left scars).

My partner has told me that he won’t watch it and is very understanding, but the truth of course is that a) you can never be sure and I don’t want to drive myself mad with the not knowing and b) I want him to be able to have that kind of privacy and freedom, I know that I do not own his sexuality.

I’m actually having professional counselling for this because it is causing me so much distress, it’s affecting whether or not I choose to leave the house etc and I know this is no way to live...but it's not helping that much yet. I guess I was hoping that perhaps someone else out there has gone through a similar thing and has hopefully got out the other side? I would love to hear those stories as I really feel like hearing from someone who has gone through something similar might be the only thing that helps...unfortunately it's quite niche so I can't find any support groups!

To answer a few questions in advance: no I don’t watch it myself (it just doesn’t do it for me, although I do like erotic fiction) and it isn’t masturbation itself I have an issue with (I do plenty of that!) it’s the visual images of other women that gets me. Our sex life is usually pretty good but has been a bit off recently due to external stresses which I think has exacerbated this problem.

Many thanks in advance, this issue is causing me a lot of distress and even self-harm and suicidal feelings at the shame of not being able to cope with it so I really am just genuinely asking for your best advice.

I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are

A lot of women are not and you are perfectly entitled NOT to be ok with it. I don't see how changing your opinion on porn will actually help as you can't change the way you feel. Saying that, this sounds like more of a trust issue as he has agreed not to watch it. You need to stop worrying about whether you can trust him. Do you have any reason to think he isn't telling you the truth?

I'm not okay with it. I think you'll find that a lot of women aren't, and not because they're prudes, which is the usual argument. Carry on with the counselling, but remember, it's okay to not be okay with porn.

Hi- how would you feel if he felt this way about your books? Men are just more visual creatures.
Did he watch it before? What do you think will happen if he does watch it? I can’t really see the harm in it, unless it effects other areas of your relationship or it’s really obsessive!
I wouldn’t like someone telling me what I could and couldn’t watch.... I’d wonder what else they might tell me not to do in future.
Saying that if you don’t like it, he watches it and you hate it, I guess you’d have to call it quits?

If he’s happy to not watch it then I’m not sure why you are asking for advice, unless you don’t trust him?

If these thoughts drive you to self harm etc that’s very serious and extreme and I’d honestly see a GP or therapist to discuss it. x

How long have you been together and do you live together?
If it's a long term relationship I can understand your concerns.
I had a (casual) BF who was quite proud of his porn collection, a shelf stacked high with magazines and a chest of drawers, each one full of videos (blank ones that you record onto) this was over 20 years ago I expect he won't need that much storage space now. I found the whole thing mildly amusing, he was very immature and I had no intention of living with him. So it's how serious the relationship is, he needs to listen to what you want him to do.

I've been there OP, including being too anxious to leave him alone in the house. It was horrendous.

For me it was a two-pronged issue. I don't like porn and I don't want DH to watch porn. Lots of reasons, including moral objections to porn, but also a belief that in a marriage (or long term relationship) it's not appropriate to be sexually objectifying someone else in that way. DH agreed, having had experience of how porn had negatively impacted his previous relationship. So he said he'd stop looking at it.

The anxiety after that stemmed from the second prong of the issue which was my general anxiety problem. I didn't seek treatment for this for many years and if I'm honest, the porn thing was very anxiety inducing for that whole time. DH never gave me cause to worry but I still did.

I was treated for post natal depression and the medication also massively helpedy general anxiety. Now I barely think about it and I 100% trust DH to keep his word (I have no reason not to, he understands and agrees with my reasons and has never slipped up in the years we've been together).

Do you have anxiety around other things? Could this be a symptom of a wider problem?

I’m NOT ok with it either, in any form, women who say they are, are I think, deluding themselves, PORN only ever hurts women and girls either physically, mentally or both, be they, with a man who watches or they are the poor females doing it, whatever their reasons are for doing so.
Did anyone watch the latest Louis Theroux ? Very enlightening as to the state of women’s minds.

I know my DH does occasionally and I'm not massively keen on it either if I'm honest. It did used to bother me a lot more than it does now though and we had many arguments about it in the past. He only does it when I'm not around. I just have to remind myself there's nothing personal about it, it's just a stimulus. A little like your book maybe. But men are just much more visual than women as someone mentioned above. Once they're "done" I can guarantee they don't think about what they've just watched in any depth. But just because others are cool with it, doesn't mean you have to be. Be open and honest with him, explain that it bothers you and why it bothers you. Tell him what you want, and if he disrespects that and makes you feel bad about yourself you need to consider if you want to go on with the relationship. Don't let anyone pressure you into thinking you should be okay with it

I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are

Some women are yes. Not all women.

I think it's sad that you are desperate to make yourself indifferent to it.

Can you elaborate on why you desperately want to be fine with the objectification of women?

I have no problem with my partner watching porn, I watch it sometimes.

You really can’t tell anyone that they can’t watch it, tell him how it makes you feel of course but you can’t really dictate to them. Chances are if a man says he won’t watch it he still will.

He doesn't watch it and I don't. Not everyone watches porn. I'm not okay with it either.

And the comparison to books spectacularly misses the point. Sorry.

This is actually really sad to read.

It's awful that women are made to feel bad for having boundaries in relationships.

You have every right to say you don't want to have sex with someone who watches porn.
They also have every right to say porn is more important to them than your relationship and leave.

It's awful that women (and men) have been made to feel that porn is integral to a healthy sex life, it's not.

Men and women have been wanking since time began without it (at least not in the carnation it is now, a risqué tapestry is hardly the same as watching a barely legal teen get gang banged on porn hub)

Porn is a dealbreaker for me and I feel not one iota of guilt about that. Not all men watch porn, the men who watch porn say that to justify their own porn habits and manipulate you into not leaving because you think you won't find anything better. It's not true.

OP if it makes you feel any better I find ‘wanking’ revolting therefore I find porn disgusting - also because i feel (personally) that it preys on the more vulnerable of women & in essence men. My issue began/stems from receiving a disturbing video when I was in my teens (disturbing for me) of my ex boyfriend wanking after an awful breakup, the caption was disgusting in the context in which it was sent (he stalked me, was controlling, mentally abusive) and I can honestly say, if I caught my DP doing it I probably would have to break up with him (I know I’m pathetic). I have discussed my issue with him openly in a trying to be non judgemental way - but it’s fucking hard, I know I’m the one with the issue. No I don’t play with myself, I don’t have the urge to. Though I love sex.

Men have really done a number on women haven’t they?

You don’t need to seek counselling because you are distressed by your partner wanking over explicit footage of women being fucked. That is a perfectly normal reaction.

🤮 sorry about the use of some of the words. I’m cringing rereading!

Agree Deathgrip.

I mean how have we got here?

Deathgrip is absolutely right.

@deathgrip I wasn't suggesting that at all. I absolutely think porn is morally abhorrent and OP is well within her rights to request that her partner not look at it. I could never respect a man who used porn. But she's done that and he's agreed, but the anxiety over it is still ruling her life. That's what I'm suggesting she might need help with, as I did.

It's quite a bind OP. If I knew someone was so stressed about something I was doing,that they were having counselling, I'd perhaps try to find a compromise. Before porn was ubiquitous, men survived with underwear pages from catalogues and jazz mags found in woods.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I'm sorry I can't remember everyone's names to comment a response to you all individually, but a couple of replies to what you have said so far.

-I have no reason to not trust him. I have trust issues overhanging from two previous abusive relationships. My current boyfriend is lovely and caring and has been only supportive in this matter, putting up with things that I don't think many men would (having very little personal space). I want to get past this so I can give him the respect/space he deserves. We actually just spoke about it again and he suggested we see my therapist together next time.

-Yes, I do have other mental health issues. This is hugely relevant and I should have mentioned it in the initial post, but I was curious to have your replies on this issue in general. I have OCD and my psychiatrist says that the not leaving the house etc is a compulsion to do with this obsession. She is also lovely and I do trust her judgement. I have been doing the exposure therapy and sometimes I feel ok about it all, over times I feel like I'll never get over it.

-I think if he didn't want me reading erotic fiction I wouldn't think twice about stopping, I know how to get off without any external stimulus so that wouldn't be a problem.

-I guess a lot of this comes down to where I stand on porn in general. I really respect those posters who aren't ok with it for ethical reasons or just otherwise in their relationships. Perhaps my issue is that I'm not ok with it and that I'm just beating myself up because my stance on it doesn't fit with modern standards. I do hate the idea of telling someone they can't do something or being controlling. I know that logically porn is not a reflection on me but due to past experiences I find it very hard to stop feeling this way.

-I really appreciate those of you who have said you have struggled with this too for your honesty. It helps me to feel less alone.

-Yes I can see that it is a sad state of affairs that so many of us have had these problems, but sadly I can't change the state of the world and I'd just like to be able to live happily within it!

-To anyone who has felt like this and got through it, are there any practical tips or suggestions you could make that might help me? One of the two arsehole boyfriends I've referred to once recommended I get a boob job too and so I think that definitely plays into all of this

Thanks everyone

We've been together 1.5 yrs and we've lived together for the past 6 months. I'm 31 and he's 36. I have huge respect for him as a person and nothing (on his end!) is obsessive.

I "got through" it....but because I have 3 kids with DH, a huge mortgage and 18 yr relationship that has always been really good. It still broke me. I discovered all the images and wanking material on his phone last March and there hasn't been a day since I dont think about it and feel nauseous that the man I thought I knew so well would do this. It was so hard at first.. sent me spiralling into a constant state of anxiety. Slowly it's got better but it changed the way I saw him, how I felt about him, everything. It changed everything.
So sorry.

In fact if you search my posts from that time you'll see all the details and some of the great advice I got x

If I was him I would leave you. You will never accept porn (perfectly acceptable) and he won't give it up (and why should he?) You are just not compatible.

Why so many have to go on a massive, often repeated rant every time they see the word porn instead of listening to the actual concerns of the OP I have no idea

The OP is suffering from anxiety about an issue and has recognised this is spilling over into being very controlling (not allowing her partner space) and is already receiving counselling for it.

She is asking for support with that not to have her ethics questioned and men attacked.

@rosie2345 I'm sorry I don't know how to support you but it's great and courageous that you're reaching out for it. Your partner sounds like a good, supportive man and I hope you can both work through this.

I'm also not ok with it. I don't worry/ obsess over whether my DP does it - we've had the discussion and he's aware that if it ever became apparent that he has watched it while we've been together, it's a deal breaker for me and he'd lose me.

It's fine to feel the way you feel about it and if he's genuine and respects you, he should listen. You can't control what he does no, but you can lay your boundaries clear and if he crosses those you can show him the door.

Read these articles, they make a lot of sense to me. And don't ever feel like you need to change or apologise for the way you feel about something.

fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

verilymag.com/2016/03/porn-addiction-marriage-relationships

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/