Porn: please help

[rosie2345]

Hi everyone,

Please be kind/patient with me, I genuinely want and need help with this issue.

I am terribly insecure about the idea of my boyfriend watching porn. Just to be really clear up front, I know that most men do it, and I don’t want to tell him that he can’t.

I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are, but I can’t help but feel so insecure about the idea of him getting off to other women. I wish I could say it was an ethical issue, but it isn’t, I just hate the idea of him wanking over other women and it makes me feel cheated on/insecure about my body.

I didn’t always used to feel this way and I think I can pretty clearly trace my issues back to a boyfriend who used porn instead of having sex with me, and told me so (he also hit me, so of course I am aware that he was just a terrible person...but evidently it has left scars).

My partner has told me that he won’t watch it and is very understanding, but the truth of course is that a) you can never be sure and I don’t want to drive myself mad with the not knowing and b) I want him to be able to have that kind of privacy and freedom, I know that I do not own his sexuality.

I’m actually having professional counselling for this because it is causing me so much distress, it’s affecting whether or not I choose to leave the house etc and I know this is no way to live...but it's not helping that much yet. I guess I was hoping that perhaps someone else out there has gone through a similar thing and has hopefully got out the other side? I would love to hear those stories as I really feel like hearing from someone who has gone through something similar might be the only thing that helps...unfortunately it's quite niche so I can't find any support groups!

To answer a few questions in advance: no I don’t watch it myself (it just doesn’t do it for me, although I do like erotic fiction) and it isn’t masturbation itself I have an issue with (I do plenty of that!) it’s the visual images of other women that gets me. Our sex life is usually pretty good but has been a bit off recently due to external stresses which I think has exacerbated this problem.

Many thanks in advance, this issue is causing me a lot of distress and even self-harm and suicidal feelings at the shame of not being able to cope with it so I really am just genuinely asking for your best advice.

but sadly I can't change the state of the world and I'd just like to be able to live happily within it!

We're not saying you have to change the world. We're pointing out that you're being made to feel like a perfectly normal reaction is being controlling and unreasonable.
You're also being gaslit into believing that all men watch porn so there's no point in having any boundaries around it because it's you with the problem. It's not.

In a relationship you're allowed to have any boundary you like and the other person can decide if they think those boundaries are reasonable. If they don't then they can leave.

It's not about being controlling it's about being able to be comfortable and secure that your partner respects you and your boundaries.
He's free to leave if porn is more important to him.

If you think he'd rather watch porn than be in a relationship with you, so you are staying in a situation that you're not comfortable with and trying to make yourself be ok with something you're not then that's a problem.

To be honest do you even need to know ? Do you ask him or just demand to know ? In my opinion unless your willing to shag every time he's horny then just let him get on with it. What you don't know won't hurt you

Sorry I should have been clearer, we haven't had a conversation where I have said I don't want him to ever and he hasn't done the whole "it's normal" bit...so I am not being gaslighted. I've been with my fair share of utter pricks and he isn't one of them.

When this all started for me, shortly after we moved in together, I explained about my past and I asked him not to and he said he wouldn't, which I 100% trusted, but recently I've got to the point where I wanted to lift that (because I don't want to be controlling) but I don't feel able to, but I would like to feel able to. I apologise as I'm sure this is confusing. I was just wondering if anyone else has managed to get themselves ok with this issue once they've experienced it...or if you are insecure about porn, are you always going to be?

I think women who say they are "OK" with porn are deluding themselves Also wondering how many of these same women would be"OK" with it if their DD was in the porn industry?Thats the thing you see ,its impersonal and women are objectified for Mens pleasure and gratification .Its like "Ettya from Eastern Europe" is not a real person but a big boobed babe who "cant get enough"! So predictable !

I have no issue with porn and have no idea if my OH watches it as I've never asked.
You've asked him not to and he's agreed so you either need to trust him or decide that porn use is a no no for you and leave him.
If you're not happy that he might watch it then that's OK but you need to own it.

I did mention counselling because although I understand someone being upset/annoyed etc but

feeling suicidal is entirely different.

What if he asked you to not masturbate at all? Would you stop? I just think it’s very personal, alone time
I’ve never asked a partner this... I think I’ve just presumed they may do. I have asked my husband in the past though and he said no.
I completely understand not wanting to be compared to a porn star, asked to have surgery, having porn replace sex and affection that’s disrespectful.
I can see why you don’t like porn and it’s your prerogative if you choose to be with someone who agrees not to watch it. I’m not saying you need to accept it /get over it/even subject yourself to it if you hate it.

Your other half has agreed not to watch it though hasn’t he? did he watch it before? is it even an issue for him? you say he’s lovely, caring, supportive..... I think unless he gives you a reason not to trust him, you should just enjoy your relationship x

🤔 I am a woman, but I enjoy watching pornography. I know DH watches porn occasionally, I probably watch more often. I’m not the ‘cool wife’ and I’ve not be done a number on where I think that’s what I have to do. Compared to DH I have a very high sex drive and I don’t subscribe to the ‘men are visual, women aren’t’ theories.

I don’t prefer porn to regular sex, it’s in addition to. I don’t think of DH when I watch porn, but neither am I looking too closely at the men in the videos. It’s more about the act than the faces...or bodies.

If DH asked me not to watch, I probably wouldn’t promise not to. As I don’t like to lie - because when the urge is there, it’s there. I don’t think it’s a problem or much of DH’s business to be honest. If DH asked to watch with me, I probably wouldn’t bother, as in that instance I’d rather just have sex.

For these reasons I struggle to understand what the great issue is with porn.

I do get some of the ethical reasons and try to stick to ‘Hollywood’ type porn rather than some of the more amateur looking stuff, with well known ‘actors and actresses’.

All I can reassure you with is the following:

1. Porn is generally not a substitute for a healthy sexual relationship- it can be - but for most it isn’t.
2. The viewer of porn isn’t making comparisons between the actors and their spouses. You really don’t think in that way.
3. Sometimes a reoccurring actor will be viewed. This is not necessarily because the actor is the person of our dreams...but more because they are particularly regularly used for specific genres.
4. He’s not using porn because of you - he’s always done it. It’s a completely separate thing to you in his mind.

But and this is very important, whilst I think you may struggle to find a man who genuinely doesn’t use porn (especially if you are still quite young), you don’t have to compromise your own feelings if it makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps have a talk with your other half about porn and get your head around what, why and how often he uses. A talk is always a helpful thing.

HonestlyYABVU I find your attitude very immature for your age. Don't ask him and don't worry about it. It's completely normal and natural to masturbate and you need to watch porn to get in the mood.
If I was him I would be gone

You are the problem not him

You don’t need to seek counselling because you are distressed by your partner wanking over explicit footage of women being fucked. That is a perfectly normal reaction

I agree. It would be a deal breaker for me.

It's completely normal and natural to masturbate and you need to watch porn to get in the mood

Breaking news: no one managed to masturbate before the invention of the VHS.

Fascinating.

Masturbation and porn are separate things. OP has already said that she has no problem with him masturbating.

Of course there’s no natural imperative to watch hardcore pornography. What absolute shite.

The fact that some people are so convinced by this that they think it’s abnormal to be distressed by their partner watching it just shows how fucked up things are.

If you have no problem with it, fine. Good for you. There is nothing whatsoever abnormal about objecting to porn.

It's completely normal and natural to masturbate and you need to watch porn to get in the mood

Funnily enough the two don't have to go together.

They don't have to no but it's not really anyone else business how you masturbate

@mummaaw - Have you even read my post? I'm really struggling over here and have been very open about the fact that I do not wish to control him nor do I wish to have this issue, which is the result of a very abusive relationship. Perhaps as someone who doesn't have an issue with this you could have helped me rather than make me feel like utter shit. Thanks a bunch.

@DBML thank you - this is very helpful and completely how I want to feel about it. I'm hoping that with counselling and the support of helpful people in this community I can get there. Real life experience is very helpful and adds something that counselling can't. Thank you for sharing x

Thank you @Surplus2requirements - I feel you understand where I am coming from with this and your comments are very helpful x

I don't mean to make you feel like shit I just find it strange. people are allowed to agree and disagree.
I think you need to concentrate on building your self confidence and not make it About him

@rosie2345

You’re welcome. And whilst it’s ‘normal’ by today’s standards for people to watch pornography, it’s equally normal for others to feel insecure about it. You don’t need to feel bad about that.

The biggest problem is that when YOU look at a pornographic image that your partner was viewing, you see a glamorous, often beautiful woman, with a perfect tan, perfect hair, perfect body. You ignore everything else in the picture and YOU compare YOURSELF with the actor. This is all very natural.

Your partner is not doing this. He is viewing the act. You don’t have to compare yourself to the person.

After I’ve watched a bit of porn, I couldn’t even describe the people in the video to you.

I really wish you all the very best.

@mummaaw - I was asking for support and acknowledging that the issue in this scenario lied with me. Your response was to tell me, "you are being the problem not him" "if I were him I would leave you" "you are being very unreasonable" and "you are very immature for your age". Please remember that people who post on the internet are real people with feelings, especially when they have expressed how seriously those feelings are affecting them. None of those comments were warranted or helped with my question. I agree I need to work on my self-esteem, and that's precisely what I was asking for help with.

Thanks @DBML - I'm definitely going to try and remember this!

Thank you @Sadiee88 - I think this is a trust issue based on previous experiences much more than anything else. I want to try and see it as you do xx

Who are you people who 'don't see the issue with porn.' How could you not see it???

Women and girls can be drugged, trafficked, coerced, and otherwise have their poverty exploited in the making of porn. Many women leave the industry with PTSD. Vaginas and anuses get injured.

You have no way of knowing if the woman you are watching is enthusiastically consenting or not. You could be watching a rape! How can you justify that?!

I just want to reiterate these

It's awful that women are made to feel bad for having boundaries in relationships

It's awful that women (and men) have been made to feel that porn is integral to a healthy sex life, it's not

There are some really weird attitudes coming up on this thread, OP you do not ‘owe’ your boyfriend sex, also you should never try to override your personal boundaries around sex and your body.

It is perfectly acceptable to not like porn, and like previous posters just want to point out that pre 1960 nobody watched porn videos because they didn’t exist so let’s not bullshit about anyone needing porn.

It's not controlling to ask your boyfriend not to watch porn OP. I felt that way too but now that my anxiety round it has eased I can see that it's a perfectly reasonable request. If he wants to look at porn that badly he can find another girlfriend.

Please don't feel you have to be okay with it. All you have to do is be okay trusting that he's telling you the truth that he's not looking at it any more.

Hi, just to say I've found EMDR helpful, it'd help for your memories of the abuse etc or anything else unpleasant you've experienced. This'd have a knock on effect on your anxiety, self-esteem and probably help a bit with these issues too. Well worth a go- hugs xxx