Porn: please help

[rosie2345]

Hi everyone,

Please be kind/patient with me, I genuinely want and need help with this issue.

I am terribly insecure about the idea of my boyfriend watching porn. Just to be really clear up front, I know that most men do it, and I don’t want to tell him that he can’t.

I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are, but I can’t help but feel so insecure about the idea of him getting off to other women. I wish I could say it was an ethical issue, but it isn’t, I just hate the idea of him wanking over other women and it makes me feel cheated on/insecure about my body.

I didn’t always used to feel this way and I think I can pretty clearly trace my issues back to a boyfriend who used porn instead of having sex with me, and told me so (he also hit me, so of course I am aware that he was just a terrible person...but evidently it has left scars).

My partner has told me that he won’t watch it and is very understanding, but the truth of course is that a) you can never be sure and I don’t want to drive myself mad with the not knowing and b) I want him to be able to have that kind of privacy and freedom, I know that I do not own his sexuality.

I’m actually having professional counselling for this because it is causing me so much distress, it’s affecting whether or not I choose to leave the house etc and I know this is no way to live...but it's not helping that much yet. I guess I was hoping that perhaps someone else out there has gone through a similar thing and has hopefully got out the other side? I would love to hear those stories as I really feel like hearing from someone who has gone through something similar might be the only thing that helps...unfortunately it's quite niche so I can't find any support groups!

To answer a few questions in advance: no I don’t watch it myself (it just doesn’t do it for me, although I do like erotic fiction) and it isn’t masturbation itself I have an issue with (I do plenty of that!) it’s the visual images of other women that gets me. Our sex life is usually pretty good but has been a bit off recently due to external stresses which I think has exacerbated this problem.

Many thanks in advance, this issue is causing me a lot of distress and even self-harm and suicidal feelings at the shame of not being able to cope with it so I really am just genuinely asking for your best advice.

I understand how you feel, I feel the same. I'm ending my marriage over constant porn use and lying about it. But if your boyfriend doesn't watch and you've no reason to believe he will, try to trust him.

I just wanted to pop on and say I have been through this OP, and come out the other side. I eventually concluded what a lot of people on this thread are saying - that is okay not to be comfortable with your partner watching porn. It's a perfectly valid deal breaker to have. I've been single for over 3 years, partly because I can't be bothered trying to find a man who doesn't watch porn. I know many (not all) do, and I'm just not fussed. I figure Mr right will arrive when the time is right. If not, I'm fine with that.

When I was miserable with my last partner and in the throes of this, I googled and found something called Relationship OCD. Like a relationship version of the type of obsessional thinking that OCD offers. I was also struggling with what I found out is called retroactive jealousy.
I realised later that I was experiencing a kind of perfect storm of different factors all at once: poor mental health, not being in the right relationship, having a perfectly normal and healthy dislike of porn, having previous partners who used porn to guilt me or demean me.
Mostly my head was a bit fucked and I was unhappy in my relationship. I had therapy and it helped, massively. Best thing I've ever done. I also - and this sounds odd but bear with me - stopped eating gluten. It was massively exacerbating my anxiety. I was like a different person. There's a thread on here at the mo about it if you are interested, lots of people have found stopping eating gluten helped with anxiety levels.

Anyway, I suppose I'm just saying it's a multifaceted issue, but it is absolutely okay to not be cool with porn. Stick with the therapy as it will probably really help you. Is it full on psychotherapy or just CBT? As I visited a proper psych for 18 months and it was so helpful.

It's completely normal and natural to masturbate and you need to watch porn to get in the mood

Jesus fucking christ. Nobody NEEDS porn to get in the mood for a wank ffs.

OP.
Like it or not, porn seems to be here to stay and expecting a man not to watch it seems like you're on to a loser. Just did some googling and some studies show up to 98% have watched it in the last six months (80% in the last week).

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/experimentations/201802/when-is-porn-use-problem

You have every right to ask your DP to not watch it, but they may take it as a tad controlling, depends on your DP. That said, if it bothers you i'd outright ask and try to chalk it up to the sort of compromises you get in a healthy relationship.

I agree with PPs, this driving you to self harm is awful.

All the best Rosie - he’s said he will go to counselling with you which is great. A counsellor is in a far better position to help you with this than anyone on here, they’ll have your whole background. Your other half sounds very caring and understanding. x

Other posters..... I’d like to point out the first ever porn movie was actually dated 1896! called “the kiss”
Intercourse was first filmed in the 1900’s.....

There are also very famous porn stars that do it for a living. I think some of you are referring to “snuff movies”! or being a bit extreme/dramatic . Not all actors are underaged, underpaid and sex trafficked.

Body parts can get injured in lots of jobs!

No one NEEDS porn, some people just enjoy it! 🤷🏼‍♀️🙈 (runs away from potentially inflammatory comments)

I'm not ok with porn and I won't be in a relationship with anyone who uses it. That's not controlling, that's my boundary and my decision. My partner has a choice - porn or me.

That said, I'm not anxious about it either. I think you are right to seek counselling for your anxiety and other issues, but don't feel bad for not agreeing to porn in your relationship.

And for the pp who says that porn is necessary to masturbate. It really isn't!

OP, I think it would help to think of your issue as 2 issues really-

as many have said it is absolutely OK to have a problem with porn, many sensible reasons have been given and I would really like to challenge the idea that 'all men watch it' that is definitely not the case. It follows that you are quite within your rights to make this a deal breaker. For those who label this controlling, is it also controlling to insist on fidelity? or respect? Any man who values porn over a relationship is free to choose the porn, that's his boundary to state

BUT- the second issue is the impact this is having on you, which is severe. You say your bf is happy to respect your wishes on this matter. Like I said, porn use isn't some universal compulsion, so all things being equal no reason why he wouldn't respect your boundaries over this

So, it might help to reframe the issue as - why do you find it difficult to trust him, and why does this cause such anxiety to you, rather than trying to change your own, perfectly reasonable standards.

The OPs partner has said he wont watch porn!!! He is doing exactly what she has asked him to! Can everyone please stop wittering about the evils of porn, that is NOT the point of the thread.

OP, you are not the problem, but your anxiety and trust issues are. I am not a counsellor or therapist, and i dont know how to help you develop trust in your partner (who sounds really lovely and supportive, btw). I bet there are professionals out there who CAN help, please ask their advice.

But maybe some self acceptance is needed here (easier said than done). But you can't force yourself to be okay with it, or think yourself into being okay with it or counsel yourself into being okay with it.

The situation is obviously a massive trigger for you . Maybe this is the way it is.

You compare yourself negatively to women who are okay with it, but its not about them, and besides that is an assumption and you don't really know the truth of what goes on in people's relationships.

Is the porn that important to your BF?

I just don't think you can change yourself into someone you are not.

It sounds as if the previous abusive relationship have created a link between porn and negative outcomes such as sexual rejection and feelings of inadequacy.

You're doing the right thing by going to therapy, and I think it would help enormously to intensively focus on re-building your self esteem.

Taking the porn off the table for a moment is there anything about yourself in particular you feel unhappy with?

P.s I think those ex's of yours need a frying pan to the back of the head.

OP, I could have written your post a few years ago
I'm so sorry that you're going through it too. Mine was also related to a dickhead ex who was obsessed with porn, and said really demeaning things about how I compared. For some reason we were in a horrible cycle for 2 years until I finally realised he would never change. I too struggled with my mental health and often self-harmed during that time. My reaction was so extreme and I thought that nobody else in the world felt the same - I thought that everyone else just accepted it.

Fast forward a bit, and for the first couple of years that I was with my (very lovely) husband I didn't trust him, for no reason at all. I told him at the beginning about the porn issue and he said he wouldn't look at it, but I always thought he did and I got really obsessed by it. I thought I would never stop feeling that way, but one day I just realised that I would either have to trust him or never have a happy relationship! We've been together for 8 years now. Occasionally porn pops into my head, for example when I'm at work and he has a day off, but it's so rare and lasts a couple of minutes at most. I have no reason to think he is looking at porn, and I trust him in every other way, so why torture myself?

This probably isn't very helpful to you as I didn't "do" anything in particular to get over it, but I just wanted to let you know that you will get there. For me it was just a "give it time" thing. Your partner sounds very supportive like mine, so hopefully things will work out the same for you before too long.

All the very best to you

Most men don't watch porn. I'm sure a lot do but not most. I don't like porn for many reasons and it's a deal breaker for me. My exes were addicted to it and it makes you feel demoralised, knocks confidence and self esteem and it generally made me feel so unattractive. My fiance does not watch porn. He cannot do so at work and he is with me the rest of the time. He was honest and said when single he probably watched it once or twice a month if that but when in a relationship he does not as he has no need. We have a good sex life and even if we didn't he would not do so. We have discussed the moral and ethical reasons why it's not good, the issues surrounding exploitation and abuse of women in porn etc. He totally agrees with me. I showed him some ex porn performers accounts and he was horrified!

Op if your DP is fine not watching porn then maybe you don't need to worry about it at all? He sounds lovely, you sound happy together.

Your anxiety levels sound high though. Keep up with the counselling & try not to over think things.

Hi everyone, just been reading all your responses and I just wanted to say thank you so much to every one of you. As I mentioned I have really got myself into a state over this and having access to all your advice and experiences is a massive help, I wish I had posted on here sooner.

Thanks to those who have made it clear that not being ok with porn is ok if that is a boundary for me. I am going to need to think about it more but I don't feel that I do want occasional use to be a boundary for me, but I fully respect those on here that do. Please don't worry that this is because I'm just not ok sticking up for my boundaries, I have boundaries about other things that some guys do (like strip clubs on stag dos etc) that I have no problem standing by, so it really isn't a matter of me not standing up for what I believe in.
I just really sense, as other posters have pointed out, that this issue is to do with past baggage for me and trust issues, so I'm going to try to continue to work on that in therapy.

My partner and I had another talk about it all this evening and I do really trust him and he has been very empathetic about the whole issue. He says it's no wonder that I feel the way I do based on the experiences that I've had in the past. He also said that he knows how destructive porn can be and said that if I googled it I would find tonnes of articles that said how it has ruined relationships where guys have become addicted etc (sweet that he thinks I haven't already done that!). I really think he gets it as he is a very honest (sometimes too honest!) person so I want to get back to a place where I feel comfortable with it occasionally so long as it doesn't affect the relationship as this is how I was when I was happy before my bad experiences.

Will come back to some of you individually now, but thanks again to the group. I know my anxiety is out of control and I think bringing him into my therapy now is going to help x

@QueenOfThePumpkins I'm very sorry that you too have suffered with this but it is also incredible for me to connect with someone who knows exactly how I feel and has gone through this. Like you I feel so alone for having this reaction and so it's amazing to know there's someone else out there, even more amazing to know that you have got through the other side! I think what you say about trust is so key and I really see that now. The man I am with is as honest and kind as they come so I guess I just have to decide how I want this to work for us and then trust him to honour that, which I'm sure he will. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it's helped me tremendously xx

@Closetbeanmuncher What you said was so kind and helpful. I definitely need to work on my self-esteem, I know this is at the heart of this because if I felt better about myself I wouldn't be having this issue. You are right that the self-esteem issue has been caused by my bad experiences so hopefully I can get it back. It doesn't help that I've been out of work due to a chronic illness that I developed last year and so I haven't had as much of my own life to focus on. I'm going to carry on working on all of this in therapy because I think the key is in there. Now that he has suggested coming with me I think that will open up some new doorways for healing from all the past stuff too. Thanks for your advice!

@funnylittlefloozie thanks for getting it and you are right, my anxiety and trust issues are out of control and hopefully now my partner has suggested coming to therapy with me we can work on some of that xx

@StillWeRise yes you are spot on about the two issues, I will definitely try and remember this as I work on it and in future moments of anxiety xx

Interested woman - sorry my app isn't letting me tag anymore but that's funny you mention EMDR - I recently finished a book about recovering from traumatic experiences where that was mentioned but I wasn't sure if it was available in the UK? How did you get it?

I'm fine with my partner watching porn and I watch it alone too. But I don't at all think that's how everyone should be.

If I had a partner who absolutely hated me watching porn and I had no issues with it, I would not react with "deal with it, it's normal'. I'd more class it as a mismatch in values and would consider we might not be compatible in the long term.

You can't change people, but also don't feel like you need to change yourself to be more acceptable to someone. It's good that you're working on your insecurities but not being as insecure does not equal being more accepting of porn.

good luck rosie

@RhubarbTea - thank you so much for sharing your story, I really appreciate it and am sorry you have been through this too. I recently learnt about Relationship OCD and am certain I have this too. I'm definitely going to continue working through everything in therapy and with my partner and, knowing that others have been there and come out the other side, feel hopeful that there might be light at the end of the tunnel for me too. Thank you so much

You don’t have to be ok with it - no it’s not normal to watch porn whilst in a relationship just because society have normalised it. If it’s a boundary within the relationship he has to respect it else you’ll end up hating him.

Another one here who’s absolutely not ok with porn and it was a major factor in me ending my marriage. He was addicted to it, lied and made me feel awful for feeling awful about his massive reliance on it. I am also single by choice now because I don’t imagine I will find a man easily who doesn’t use porn and for me it’s a complete deal breaker. I would rather be celibate than be nothing more than an ‘option’ for a man who is supposed to ‘forsake all others’ , and have to accept that whenever I’m out or asleep or away that it’s considered fair game to wank over endless videos of other women and therefore also become quite crap in bed for real. That’s my perspective. Others for sure will find it extreme but I know I could never go back to how that made me feel. It still makes me cry now. Granted there were massive other issues but this was so terribly painful and as others have reported he knew very well how I felt about porn when we got together but chose to paint a portrait very different to what his ultimate reality was.

There’s a lot of pressure on women to accept and be ok with porn, whether you like it or not, you can’t deny that. I often wonder if women, suddenly across the world started obsessively watching teenage men with big dicks and hard bodies getting abused, humiliated and objectified by women, how many men would be “cool” with that.