Hi everyone,
Please be kind/patient with me, I genuinely want and need help with this issue.
I am terribly insecure about the idea of my boyfriend watching porn. Just to be really clear up front, I know that most men do it, and I don’t want to tell him that he can’t.
I desperately want to be ok with it as indeed I know many women are, but I can’t help but feel so insecure about the idea of him getting off to other women. I wish I could say it was an ethical issue, but it isn’t, I just hate the idea of him wanking over other women and it makes me feel cheated on/insecure about my body.
I didn’t always used to feel this way and I think I can pretty clearly trace my issues back to a boyfriend who used porn instead of having sex with me, and told me so (he also hit me, so of course I am aware that he was just a terrible person...but evidently it has left scars).
My partner has told me that he won’t watch it and is very understanding, but the truth of course is that a) you can never be sure and I don’t want to drive myself mad with the not knowing and b) I want him to be able to have that kind of privacy and freedom, I know that I do not own his sexuality.
I’m actually having professional counselling for this because it is causing me so much distress, it’s affecting whether or not I choose to leave the house etc and I know this is no way to live...but it's not helping that much yet. I guess I was hoping that perhaps someone else out there has gone through a similar thing and has hopefully got out the other side? I would love to hear those stories as I really feel like hearing from someone who has gone through something similar might be the only thing that helps...unfortunately it's quite niche so I can't find any support groups!
To answer a few questions in advance: no I don’t watch it myself (it just doesn’t do it for me, although I do like erotic fiction) and it isn’t masturbation itself I have an issue with (I do plenty of that!) it’s the visual images of other women that gets me. Our sex life is usually pretty good but has been a bit off recently due to external stresses which I think has exacerbated this problem.
Many thanks in advance, this issue is causing me a lot of distress and even self-harm and suicidal feelings at the shame of not being able to cope with it so I really am just genuinely asking for your best advice.