Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

He showed his true colours when you were not happy subsidising him any more. Lucky escape!

What a cunt he is. You can do so much better. Hope you're feeling a bit better now after your op. Definitely get rid of this abusive joy sucker. There's nothing in your posts to suggest you even like him that much. Maybe being with him has become habit?

Anyway new yr new start!

I agree with everybody @Buggedandconfused , I wish you a speedy recovery and a happy future without this horrible man.

I can just imagine him scuttling off home with his already opened bottle of wine

WHAT a turn off 😩

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

He's truly inwardly ugly

Here's the link to the Freedom Programme course mentioned by PPs: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Not read whole thread, but he sounds horrendous. Someone this tight and mean with money is an indication of someone mean and ungenerous in all areas. Why on earth would someone be so awful and you put up with it? He expects you to contribute to his household when you are there as well as being his skivvy! And does nothing at yours? FFS @Buggedandconfused you say you left you husband as the relationship was presumably not what you wanted in life and yet are putting up with this?

Sorry but you are nuts.

Men like this are why I have a problem with the wholesale replacement of "boyfriend" with "partner".

He isn't your partner - being a partner suggests you do things together, you share things. This sounds so one-sided.....

When a friend told me that my ex-BF (boyfriend, not best friend) had a new partner, I explained he's never had a partner as he doesn't share or behave like a partner.

Your "D" "P" is neither D nor a P - he is, as others have said, a cocklodger and you are definitely worth more than that.

He sounds awful OP, I really do hope you leave him. Equality is all very well (but 50/50 financing of the time you spend together should include all food/drink/travel etc. regardless of who's house you're at), but he just sounds like a complete arse. Who wouldn't nip out and pick up some shopping for someone who was recovering for an op?? I'd do that for a neighbour if they asked, never mind a partner.

He's not your partner, he's a crap boyfriend and you would be better off without him!

Men like this are why I have a problem with the wholesale replacement of "boyfriend" with "partner".

This! No one ever has a boyfriend or girlfriend any more. They know someone 5 minutes and it's a partner.

1200 a year to service this abusive twat.

He is abusive. You need to block. Sell the tickets.

To be fair, when you're 50+, either you feel stupid using the word "boyfriend" or other people tell you that you are stupid for using it.

I know, I’m going to end it when I’m better. I’m still in bed ill right now and not sure I can face the drama right now.

We do get on very well most of the time, there are things about him I like and live or I would not be with him. We have a lot in common. But to be so awful to me when I’m so ill, and not to buy me any food or anything nice, to make an issue out of taking me food shopping, to eat all my food and not make sure I have any to see me and my kids through the next day or two has shown me what life will be like if I stay with him. To call me a witch and a cretin and throw my shopping through the door 24 hours after I’ve been in hospital because I dared to call him on his double standards in the supermarket really is the last straw.

It’s a shame as he is in many ways my ideal man, but I guess I’m looking at superficial aspects, not the caring or loving ones.

Block him off and enjoy some time with your feet up.

You've made the right decision OP. Strength, love and peace to you.

there are things about him I like and live or I would not be with him

That's true of all abusers or nobody would ever go near them and women wouldn't remain in abusive situations like yours.

What drama would there be if you end things now? It's long distance, you don't live together. Surely you text him, block him, then move forward.

After his abuse you don't owe him more than that. You don't need to explain or seek his agreement. You inform him it's over.

Oh OP, this has been so horrible to read.
I hope you have friends/family in RL who would help you with the shopping.
You're definitely making the right choice in leaving him, he sounds such an awful, cowardly, money grabbing man!

There's doesn't need to be drama, OP. You send one text telling him it's over and then block him.

And then breathe. And enjoy having separated yourself from all that drama, because to be honest, the drama's already happened.

I would really recommend getting it done, so that you don't have it hanging over you.

My son is off school today to help me, I managed to get a Tesco delivery last night so we have some food in now!

I just can’t face sending the text right now.

Believe me, I know it's daunting and it's disappointing to face up to the reality of how he's treated you but once you send that text you'll feel like a weight's been lifted.

He's unkind, quite apart from the meanness. And it's even possible that given your willingness to be absolutely 'fair' by not only doing 50/50 but also taking him treats that he's actually making a profit out of you because he'll keep the leftover food you buy/bring thereby saving him a bit on his regular food bill. I suspect the tantrums and nastiness this weekend could well have been due to the fact he'd had to travel down to you instead of the other way round. So he was already in a foul mood because he'd had to expend more than he usually does to get his regular shag. I'm sorry to be so blunt but in the absence of care, consideration, equal 'rules' for both and empathy then I'm afraid that's probably what it boils down to.

I know it's hard when you feel you 'get on' generally but to be frank if you're doing enjoyable stuff like going out for a meal, or to the cinema or pub it's fairly easy to have a pleasant time in most people's company. It's how someone looks after you, how they care for you (or not) which is what really matters. And he just..... doesn't. You come across as a convenience for him. Company, sex, housekeeper, but he hasn't demonstrated anything to show he thinks more of you.

Honestly, why on earth would you accept this for yourself? No one deserves that. His attitude is contemptuous.

I just can’t face sending the text right now

Yet you can face posting here.

I expect you'll continue paying his fee of £1200 in goods and services per year.

What a gent. Next!

I am so sorry that you have been treated so badly when you are recovering from surgery. That is despicable behaviour on its own.

You did know that he was treating you v unfairly with regards to chores, money, travel over the past two years as you are able to recall not just a random one off imbalance but repeated exploitation.

You also said that you didn’t feel cared for or cherished.

So you knew this but didn’t act on it until it got v v bad with the last incident and the build up of the repeated imbalances.

Well done on taking the decision to end it - the question you have to ask yourself is why did you try so hard for so long - and would you do that again. Because that will answer where your resilience and self worth are and will tell you if you can see yourself through the lonely grieving weeks to come where you pine over what should have been and are clear that is not what it was - and if you slip back into a RS with him again.

It’s fine that you had a lot in common - you can get that type of RS from a friend, colleague, acquaintance at a hobby group.

What defines an intimate RS is the depth of care and cherishing. That wasn’t there. You were aware it wasn’t - so you need to understand why that was acceptable to you.

Don’t give him the pleasure of the drama. Don’t waste your limited physical and mental health explaining anything to you because ....drum roll.....he already knows because he chose to do it repeatedly, you have told him repeatedly and he will only respond with an aggressive attack on you.

Protect yourself - don’t give him the opportunity.

Simple text.
Delete his number.
Block him.

Get yourself rested and well and unburdened. You sound like a wonderful, generous, warm woman - imagine meeting someone just like you - you will have a beautiful RS.

Not this seedy, abusive transaction.

He earns 3/4 times the amount you do and he's quibbling over who buys fucking eggs

I couldn't be bothered dealing with an absolute miser like that life's too short.

You “owe him”? 😡 he’s an absolute arsehole, also controlling and abusive please dump and block him immediately for your own well-being 😔 wishing you a speedy recovery

This would absolutely do my head in.

I earn more than my partner at the moment, so I pay for more.

He earned more than me a few years ago, so he paid for more.

We live together and we do share the costs of the house equally, but when it comes to who fills the cars up (his and mine) it comes out of whichever account has the most in, whoever feels like it pays for meals .. if you're in a proper relationship, I always think it comes from the same "pot" anyway .. so if I pay for something today it's irrelevant, as it just means he will pay for something another day.

I would never, ever have a contract. That's mad.

An absolute basic requirement in a partner is kindness.

This man is short on that (and also short arms, long pockets).