Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

It sounds like you're paying out more than him, if you're not you will be soon.

I'm all for equality but not in a 'we need a financial agreement for groceries and meals' kind of way...

I'd get rid... and fast.

I’m happy for ex to stay at mine as it’s kept my daughter stable. It’s not every single time.

Honestly , I think it's a good thing that you're seeing this side of him now. If it's tricky now then imagine his reaction to you losing tax credits if you live together! Do you think he'd support you while you adjust or just continue to ignore that you're overstretched?

I'm sorry op , but I don't see good things happening here.

He's awful! He's financially exploiting you. Fair would be each contributing a proportion of your income. He's controlling you, mugging you off and feigning innocence. Revolting. He doesn't like you :(

Just seen the update, so this relationship is costing you considerably more money than it is for him. And then take into account your contrasting financial situations...

He should want to treat you. I can't stand tight people... so unattractive.

But it shouldn't be 50/50 if he wants it fair, he earns a shitload more than you so should be split depending on income. He earns up to 3/4 more than you, he's a tightfisted bastard.
He might want steak for dinner, so hey Buggered, your share of the bill is £10 for that juicy steak. You can't afford it, is he going to eat on a budget you can afford? a 50p can of beans and a £1 loaf of bread?
Or will he eat a steak while you get some beans on toast?

He has paid more than me for holidays, but he does bring it up a lot. I have said to him that if he wants total 50/50 then I’ll never earn as much as he does so to look elsewhere!!

Hi op I split up with my last boyfriend for mostly financial reasons and I'm a single parent too.
He wasn't tight at all, however he always wanted to do relatively expensive things, weekends away. Festivals etc and wanted us to pay for things equally.
However he earned twice my salary, had no mortgage or kids and therefore had loads of disposable income.
I wanted to pay half too ( I'm really independent and refuse to rely on anyone other than myself ) but after 6 months realised I couldn't afford to. We had loads of fun but it took me months to get my finances back into order after I split with him.
He just didn't get that I couldn't splurge like he did

He's a squeaky tight arse miser.

It won't get better!!!!

Omg he sounds worse and worse. He knows you dont earn as much. Making you pay the same
Means you have less disposable income. He is heading towards being financially abusive. Seriously bin him.

Honestly I'd give up at this point. I think we can see why he has savings.

I was with a bloke briefly who'd have us split the cost of an Asda curry, but happily snaffle down my wine and spirits. It just doesn't work unless you are prepared to also 'play the game' and be so incredibly stingy that it sucks all the ease and joy out of life.

Usually you turn up at his saving him effort, he gets the economy of paying for two rather than just one and you pay half???

Ok thanks all, I know I’m not going mad here now!

I just feel worn down by it to be honest. He says he wants 50/50 for financial outgoings. I can do that every so often but not all the time.

I always spend more when my DP is at mine because I like to get in nice food, but it's always reciprocated when I'm at his.

In fact we often have joke arguments about who's 'taking the hit' on the groceries. We never actually split the bill, just take turns. It's not exact though as he does tend to get the bill more.

You sound so unhappy. I think this says a lot about him as a person, and none of it is good.

I spend more time at my bf's place as the area where he lives is more lively. We're your age too. He was between jobs for a while, but even during that time never actually asked me to pay for anything. I try to pay half, but he loves cooking meals for me and rolls his eyes when I try to pay him back by bringing a bottle. If he sees me pick up the washing-up liquid at his place he stages an intervention :)

Have you only known each other for a year? I'm not sure I'd continue investing in that future.

Dump him now - what a miser!

Why do women put up with this shite?

Op bin him off! He's using you!

I did long distance with my ex (he was army) I was on a much lower income than him plus I worked shifts and he accounted for that, did most of the travelling, phone calls (before everyone had mobile phones, the old extortionate shared payphone days!), and would even greet me at mine with a weeks worth of groceries every 2-3 weeks without being asked. That's how it should be.

I didn't take advantage either, never asked him to do what he did nor expected it and would get him stuff to "make up" to the degree I could afford so I'd do the travelling when I could and I'd do things like gutting his room (he lived in barracks) and giving it a deep clean on occasion which I didn't mind doing and helped him out as I'd do it weekends he was on duty and likely been working long hours so had got a bit behind with his chores, or I'd do him a laundry or make him a nice meal for when he finished late cos mess would be closed etc

That's how it works in a normal kind relationship.

This what you're dealing with is potentially financial abuse!

It's certainly not fair or kind or considerate.

No almost 2 years. We did go on a few weekends away that I paid for, or went 50/50 but I stopped as he didn’t seem to see these as my contribution to him paying more for bigger holidays. I guess he is a mean, tight-fisted man!

I can understand it for the first while - the excitement and anticipation lets you forget that you've just driven 2 hours to see him, and you still have to go out to tescos extra with him to buy dinner/booze. Or when he cooks fancy steak dinner, then presents you with the receipt after (! yep. happened).

It's very much not for me. DP and I (and most of my friends) just alternate, and keep a rough internal count to make sure we're not taking advantage of each other like everyone else with an ounce of reasonableness.

Similar but been with boyfriend almost a year. Single parent 4 kids so didn’t think anyone would want to date me. I don’t have loads of money work part time etc.

But my bf honestly would buy me the world and never tot up who owes who or cares. I do my share of buying dinners etc but I also cook for my kids most nights unless at work but really you shouldn’t be driving all that way any turning up to go food shopping be should’ve done it, made dinner and have a glass of wine poured for you coming in...he just seems selfish and tight and it’s not a nice trait in a person.
Speak to him see what comes out but I feel sad for you that this man is treating you like this, I’m sure you can do better

I do have to beg him to put the heating on at his too, but when he comes to mine he moans about being cold even though I have the heating on all the time! Apparently my house is ‘colder’ than his so I’m obliged to keep the heating on whereas at his we all wear coats and scarves!!

He tells me this is ‘modern dating’ and I’m old fashioned...

Find your anger and end it... the more you post the more obvious it is that he's an absolute piss taker...

Tell him to go hug a land mine

Bin him, BIN HIM NOW!
I can't imagine earning 4 times my OHs salary and not wanting to treat them, but demanding they buy their own milk and demanding they treat me as they 'owe' me.
Can you imagine living with him? He would take the lightbulbs with him when he leaves the house..