Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

Yet you can face posting here

I expect you'll continue paying his fee of £1200 in goods and services per year.

This is someone's real life. They can do things in their own time.

Stop thinking of him as your "partner" and start thinking of him as your abuser. There is no element of partnership in your relationship with him.

Oh Op

My bf lives an hour away from me by car or two trains away. I drive and he doesn't so sometimes I will drive to him, others he will get the train to me. It costs him more to get the train to me than it does for me to drive to him so I try and bear this in mind and go to him a bit more.

When we pop to the supermarket for bits for us both, either he will pay or I will pay for some of it (my choice, never asked or expected) and vice versa if he is at mine. If i want to go about to eat but he can't afford it, I will pay. He would just say let's not go but it's my choice to pay and I would never keep a 'tally' of how much I've spent and/or how much he owes me, because he doesn't!

Your relationship sounds more and more like a contact of employment or services and he sounds horrible. No relationship is better than this one.

Then don't send a text. Just block him until you're feeling better.

Glad you managed to get food in.

Is there any reason to see him again? If not, you don't owe him anything at all. Not at all. Just block. You don't have to ever speak to him again or deal with any drama.

He is not your ideal man.

I’ve sent a text to him saying that after the weekend I need some time to process things and to get better, that I’m scared to talk to him for fear of being called names again and that what happened at the weekend cannot be undone. I’ve asked him to respect my wishes ie. to leave me alone.

Excellent. Sorry to repeat myself, but I'd block him quickly now as he's going to want to defend himself!

He'll probably turn up the gaslighting and charm now. I hope I'm wrong.

He sounds like a tight-fisted bastard. One imagines that he's overemphasizing the equality point which is, fundamentally, a good thing. But it should only be considered a rough guide, counting down to the penny is overkill. And stop paying him to go to his house. He should be capable of hosting guests, it's hard to imagine that he charges his mates for visits and the use of, for example, teabags.

The absolute easiest way to do it, by the way, is to set up a joint fund. Petty cash, for example. Each throws 50 quid a month into a tin and use it to buy things when together. When it goes empty fill it up again. Be clear on what constitutes petty cash use, for example, toilet paper and teabags shouldn't be taken into consideration. Meals and nights out, should. You'll have to be really anal about it all, sounds like that's the language he understands. Good luck.

Do this at your own pace OP.
We are all frustrated because we can all see what an abusive, controlling fucking asshole he is. You sound so lovely and we want to make sure you get rid of this fuckwit asap!
It will take your brain a bit more time to catch up.
Get yourself well and then take back control of your life!

That's a good text OP. Don't let him talk his way back in

Well done @Buggedandconfused , it can be really hard to step away from a relationship, especially when there's some kind of abuse involved.

Now rest and relax please.

Be aware, though. He might not like this idea. The fact that he holds you to such a tight account is a controlling tactic, it's rubbing your face into the financial realities of respective situations. Either he doesn't trust you due to your receiving maintenance from your ex, or he just likes to hold the upper hand. Either way, by introducing a practical solution you'll be able to gauge his reaction and judge the feasibility of the relationship accordingly.

Well done and I hope you're feeling better really soon.

Just wanted to share this in case it helps at all - when I was fairly newly single I met a man who I thought was the dog's wotsits. He came round to mine all the time and I cooked for him, he drank my wine, never once turned up with anything in terms of a contribution. I was so happy to have met someone that I couldn't see how he was taking advantage of me. I never went round to his as he was temporarily staying at his exes until he got his finances sorted (yes, massive red flag that I chose to ignore). This went on for a couple of months until he finally decided it was his turn to cook for me and told me to leave it all to him - he would sort out a nice dinner. He turned up with: two ready meals. That's all I was worth, no effort whatsoever.

Looking back on it now I can see how I was taken in by him so I know what you're going through and how easy it is to kid yourself that everything is fine. But you have done the right thing.

Very good approach. I had a similar situation where Ex was very unsupported after I had an operation, he wasn't nasty like yours (although maybe I didn't stand up to him) and I looked to justify his behaviour as we had so much in common and generally it was good.
I wish I had valued myself and reached out to tell others as maybe I would have ended it then. Sadly I didn't and my life got much worse. Your post has brought up those memories and I so regret not leaving.

What is his relationship history like?

He sent me this in return. Bearing in mind I was not aggressive to him, I just got frustrated in the supermarket at his double standards and not being cared for when I’m so ill:

Hi, of course you can have time to think. I’m personally hoping we can drop the whole thing. I don’t want to analyse it any more times and think the only real lesson is we need to be kinder and more tolerant to each other. Neither of us are perfect, no one is. Things will happen in the future no matter what we might solve today. We just need to be less aggressive to each other.. treat each other well and not carry baggage. X

he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot
he says he wants 50/50

That's the problem right there. He wants an unfair system where he is richer but you pay out the same. End it.

He called ME a witch and a cretin!!!

I’m personally hoping we can drop the whole thing. I don’t want to analyse it any more times

Yeah, I bet he wants to drop it now you've realised the unfairness of his approach. He just wants you to agree with him.

An anyone analyse what he’s just said to me?! I don’t understand what he is trying to say!

*can

He has some of the words (kinder, tolerant) but he has over the past 2 years been unable to demonstrate that he has any capacity to put these words into actions.

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread. Sounds like it's too late to introduce a practical solution, you seem to have got a glimpse of the reality of the situation. All the best!