Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

I’m in shock to be honest at the names he called me. I’m still really poorly in bed so am unable to think straight but I am really upset that when I was so vulnerable he treated me like this. I’ve tried to reason with him but he says it’s all a misunderstanding and I need to get over it. I’m in shock I guess and he’s texting me asking if I’m ok and being lovely now. Doesn’t really matter does it, he wasn’t nice to me when he was here. He thinks he’s done me a favour driving me to the hospital and cooking and washing up and I guess he thinks I’m ungrateful for that. He’s made me feel that way anyway.

Attacking when someone is vulnerable is classic abuser tactic plus then denying it.

Block and ignore for now if you're not up to dumping him.

I don't often post but I had to here....dump him!!! He sounds horrible! Tight, mean, unreasonable and unkind!!
What would you think if this was a friend's partner saying / doing this to her?
You sound lovely and deserve better!

Cold fact is you are treated better by your ex than him!!
Dump him today.
By text.
Block and move on.
Sell tickets and treat yourself..
Do not look back.

Just don’t see him any more, he has a screw loose, and doesn’t even seem to like you.

And I couldn’t live with his miserly ways.

Echo all the above. You haven’t mentioned anything positive about him once. You don’t need to be in a relationship to have a good life.

Dump him now and go to the concert with a friend. You are worth so much more.

Oh my god why why why put up with this shit? Of course it's unfair, tight, selfish and shitty. He'd have to be some kind of god in bed to make me tolerate that for a week.

No, cooking and washing up is normal when you are a couple. And giving someone a lift to hospital, we would all do that for a friend.

Block and cut him out. He is a terrible person and you deserve much better.

He sounds bloody awful, I can't see how he's worth the effort.

Oh my goodness OP.

Please see him for the horror he is and realise you deserve more.

It's so sad to read.

Of course you feel low.

You are exhausted and weak and this twat can't even bring you shopping and calls you names.

Think OP, of all the women who post on here about the utter misery of their lives, at the hands of men like him, stuck sharing homes, with nowhere to go.

You are so lucky that you have finally, after 2 see him for what he is.

Utterly repugnant.

💐Wishing you strength.

"...when I go to his I spend over £50 with petrol, food & drinks etc. That’s twice a month."

That's a hundred pounds a month that could benefit your family!! Not to mention the additional funds you spend on him when he visits you.

I cannot see any ways in which he enriches your life. Quite the opposite - you are very stressed and over-focused on him, to the detriment to yourself and your children.

Just imagine how calm and settled you will feel once you erase him from your life!

You are paying out money to suck this guy's cock

Over a grand a year.......don't you have better things to do with your money? Nice holidays, new clothes, savings?

He's abusive in so many ways OP. Surely you're not that desperate for a man?

Where's your self respect?

Hope you're ok this morning OP and fixed in your resolve to get rid of this poison from your life.
I note he also expected you to do chores at his house- can you imagine what living with him would be like? He would bleed you dry, mentally, physically and financially.

He sounds like an absolute horror!
Do what PPs have advised and dump him and block.
Then relax and recover while thinking about all the nice things that petrol money will but instead.
Hope you get better soon.

I’m still really poorly in bed so am unable to think straight but I am really upset that when I was so vulnerable he treated me like this

You are thinking straight!

It wasn’t a ‘misunderstanding’, you don’t need to get over it!

Find someone else to go to the event with you or sell the tickets.

Ha! You bought tickets for something he wants to do as a nice caring gesture, he does the barest minimum when you are ill, in surgery, in recovery after an operation, and he expects a medal for it?

Look, a decent partner of someone in hospital takes time off work to take them in and stay with them as they come back to the ward. Cleans the house, fresh bedding, stocked fridge, nice food for when they come home. Flowers and chocs feature. Waited on hand and foot on the sofa, with free rein over the remote. Makes them feel looked after.

Your instincts are right, MN has confirmed, you are thinking very straight: he is not partner material.

If you lived with him you would see how full in abusive he is. He would be financially abusive, and the gaslighting over ‘it was a misunderstanding, you are at fault in not getting over it’ would become emotional abuse.

Dump him, block him, don’t look back.

I would run, bring mean with money is deeply unattractive! Well done for having such a great relationship with your ex - your daughter will reap the benefits as she enters arulthood.

Have you told him this "relationship" is over?.

Sell these tickets on a third party site.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of relationship example did you see?.

When someone shows you who they are you need to believe them.

You were targeted by this miserly abuser and deliberately too; he has detected a nice person but with shaky boundaries and perhaps low self worth and esteem. He has systematically used all your nice qualities here against you to their fullest extent and to break you down.

I hope you are feeling ok today OP. I agree with all PP who have advised you to break up with this man. It must be difficult to process it all when you are feeling low and vulnerable while you recover from your operation, but in due course I think you need to end things with him.

Men like this do not change. You will spend your life like this if you stay with him. In fact things are likely to get worse.

It would be far better to be alone. And every minute you spend with him is a wasted minute where you can't meet someone else who will treat you with kindness and respect.

Another vote for selling the tickets.

I can see how this could creep up on you gradually. I've been doing the same as you - making the effort to visit him, offering to pay for things, trying to be helpful - because you I don't want him to think that I'm taking him for granted, being lazy, not putting effort into the relationship or old-fashioned and always expecting the man to pay.

The difference is that my bf has been doing the same thing, for the same reasons. Whereas your bf has been building up an imbalance where you permanently owe him, and dropping in comments the whole time to make you feel bad about yourself, gradually building up until you've reached the point where he can crassly insult you to your face and you still feel like it's your fault. It's insiduous.

You've had healthy relationships before and you'll have one again (not with him, clearly). Any clue why his previous relationship(s) didn't last? Has he been saying that his exes were gold-diggers and that's why he's so careful today, by any chance?

He has been financially abusing you OP. Just think of all the extra money you will have when you dump him. And, less stress driving back and forth. Xx

There is no reasoning with an abuser. And he's sucked you right in.

He doesn't love you, care for you or cherish you.

He uses you.

Please block.

You owe him no explanation, nothing. He's had way more than his fair share.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, OP. You seem so lovely and he has manipulated you, fully intentionally so he's been very clever with it. You've seen him for what he is now so I hope you find it easy to move on from him. Good Luck and wishing you a speedy recovery too. X

Just write a list of all the horrible and disagreeable things he has said and done (those on this thread and any others) and keep looking at it to remind yourself that you don't need someone like that in your life. End it, block him and sell the tickets.