Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

Get an account card that you can both pay money into equally and use that for food, petrol etc. to do with visiting each other.
He sounds pretty tight and thoughtless.

A resounding LTB from me. He sounds like a cunt and a half.

Just going to say as well op, imagine your daughter in a relationship like this. Would you be happy about that?

Children take their parents relationships as examples of how to have relationships. If she sees that happening to you, and she is a teenager so she will understand, it could easily happen to her.

Be strong and leave him.

I’m really confused

He's a mean, horrible man.

Op, I hope you're adding up all these incidents and coming to the answer "requires dumping forthwith".

My advice is absolutely don't talk to him about it - he's an expert at muddying the waters and turning things back on you. Just get it straight in your head that he's treated you pretty shittily and is no good for you. And get rid. And block.

It's great you are not going to live with him. Hide all your chocolate when he visits.

My EXH earned about six times as much as me. Still, somehow, I ended paying half of everything. It was only after I'd left (for other reasons) that someone pointed out to me that this is basically financial abuse. And even if it weren't, it sucks the joy out of any relationship.

Please leave him, and don't look back. You deserve so much better than this. This time next year you will look back and feel incredibly lucky that you were able to escape, rather than staying and having the joy ground out of you.

Well I certainly don’t feel like seeing him any time soon after the way he was at the weekend. I’ve bought tickets for us to go to an event in London that he wanted to go to in a couple of weeks and I am just not looking forward to it at all now. I’ve been so ill since my operation I can’t think straight.

So I’m being mugged off driving to his all the time and then having to pay for proportion of our food when I’m there? I guess when I go to his I spend over £50 with petrol, food & drinks etc. That’s twice a month.

This bloke must squeak when he walks, he's that tight. Another vote for dump him. You will be far better off without him both mentally and financially. Save yourself the petrol & end it over the phone.

Sell the tickets. He doesn't deserve the treat. If you are feeling generous you can offer him first dibs on both, but don't forget to add any charges (handling fees, postage etc). Make him set those moths free & open his wallet!

I hope you dump him; he's awful.

Please dump him!!!

Either got the event with someone or try selling them. Sunken cost fallacy, despite losing money on the tickets it will still be saving you over £100 per month visiting him and then your costs when hosting him.

Seriously he treats everyone like this, this is why he has money because he's a miserly tight fisted Scrooge he wouldn't even help you properly post surgery as in his eyes it didn't benefit him

Honestly just dump him... you can't afford to be in a relationship with him!

And you do not have to let hex in your house... just because you dumped him... that's a bit strange and probably won't work long term.. especially if your dc are teenagers... what do you do when he's over??

You sound like quite a people pleaser and that can stray into doormat territory ... maybe take a break from the relationship for a bit and investigate some counselling/freedom program/assertiveness for yourself..

You bought the tickets? Has he paid you his half, if not do you still have them? If it was a birthday present you can still dump him and go with someone else. Or sell them on Scarlet Mist (ethical face-value ticket resale site) if it's a sold-out event. Please don't let the fact that you have a future booking, make you stay with this awful man a moment longer.

You've absolutely been mugged off. He's a nasty, controlling, mean, misogynistic man. Run a mile.

So glad to read that you are beginning to wake up to how horrible he is. Please don't feel ashamed, you are a lovely person who got stung.

Whatever you do, don't listen to his sweet talk, I'm sure he will try to lure you back.

Sell those tickets, or go with someone who really enhances your life and enjoyed your company. All the best xx

...honestly Percy Penny-Pincher would be charging you for shags and wear and tear on his sheets if he thought you were mug enough to pay him!

I agree with Random that he would move in with you and rent out his property if he could and no doubt get you to pay his moving expenses too!!

Eating all the chocolate would see him binned let alone all the rest of the financial abuse.

'He threw the shopping through my door and drove off in a huff for an hour!!'

'He then called me a cretin and a witch on the phone'

This is verbal and emotional abuse. You don't deserve this and it's not ok. Please end it. xxx

Look at the positives. You don’t live with him, he lives far away - you can just tell him that it’s over and not have to deal with any of his shit any more. And it sounds like you’ll have a lot more spare cash when you’re rid of him too - win win!

What do you think of the names he called you?

Drop the new guy, it will never work out with him.
He’s letting you pay a lot in fuel and the. Pay to see him a t the weekend, cook and clean, and change beds ??
He should be doing this for you.
Look after yourself, and save a lot of money. You are having to fund two homes, and he has much more money.
You know this already. Make the break, you’ll never be able to live happily together like this.

He also sounds like pig..
Drop him, and don’t look back

One text message.
That’s all it will take OP.
Please do it today.

Don’t be ashamed. The shame is his. He’s taking advantage and is unkind to you. Don’t go to event with him, tell him it’s not working out. Make an excuse if needed. Hope you start to feel better after op.

Dump him!!