Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

I haven't managed to get past the fact you have to sit in coat and scarf at his house!!!!

If he called you a cretin and a witch - well he is a horrible man. You need better than that in your life. Surely it's better to have no one than to be spoken to and treated like that?

LTB

@Buggedandconfused you deserve so much more than this, please dump his penny pinching tight arse, I’m raging on your behalf

He is vile. Awful, rude, selfish, vicious and very stupid. Dump.

You drive a couple of hours to someone who doesn't provide food or drink when you arrive !
Does he look forward to seeing you & spending time with you ?

I agree, find someone closer, who is more into you !

'He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more,'

Ugh

He sounds absolutely awful

I'm sorry OP but how desperate for a man are you to put up with this? You sound lovely, and can do so much better than this skinflint.

I wonder what redeeming qualities does he have?

He must have some massive ones for you to put up with that.

He actually sounds a bit unstable mentally.

If you only go there every other weekend you are a visitor! Surely you would just reciprocate the hospitality when at each other house. Anyway sounds like that is irrelevant now. He is not worth it, he sounds absolutely self-absorbed and selfish. You would be better off just getting a hobby.

I wonder if he's mean with his affection and when you're intimate op

Hope you are in recovery now, start your new year with a fresh start minus him

How is this any fun? Get rid. I can't stand meanness

Just woken up thinking about it. I did only ever want to reciprocate at each other’s house. I used to take a lot more with me for him but he never reciprocated when he came to mine. He used to come one night a week to mine and never brought anything with him so I stopped being so generous, and told him why. Last time he did bring anything to mine it was two bottles of half finished wine that were bought by someone else for him. In fact he took one half finished bottle back home with him as I didn’t drink it. Urgh, I’ve been so had.

As PPs have said you should dump him. He is absolutely awful.

"He then called me ... a witch on the phone"

One compliment doesn't make up for the rest of his crap.

Buy a new pen and keep it in your bathroom. Every time you use the facilities, take a sheet of bathroom tissue, write his name on it, followed by "Begone!", then flush it down the toilet.

Problem solved.

You know what you need to do, dump this tight fisted pillock. You are paying to have his company/sex there is another word for this type of transaction!
If you can’t do it for yourself think about how every pound you are spending on this skinflint is one pound less available to spend on your DC’s.
How does it work with your ex, do you feel you have to be out of the house when he is staying there? Is that why you have stuck with Mr Tightwad for 2 years? If so you need to get your ex to make other arrangements if he doesn’t want to take his DC back with him because of the distance, his choice, then he needs to get a cheap room and take them out during the day.

You literally have had the "wake up" that you need.

He is showing signs of being abusive which will only get worse. Your reactions are natural responses - upset, confused, trying to change him by writing down rules. He is devaluing you which is why it hurts, I am sure he is capable of being nice which is why you are confused.

Don't think this will get better, it never does.

Oh dear, this is not a modern relationship this is an abusive one.

Yes you are right you’ve been had. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. I think you come across as an independent woman as well as a nice person. He has manipulated you because of those qualities.

You have just had surgery which obviously would make anyone feel a little vulnerable. Thank goodness for that surgery. The scales have fallen from your eyes!

I also think he is such a toxic influEnce on your life, I dread to think what effect he would have on your DC and wider family and friends.

The question that you need to ask yourself is, what does he bring to the table?

The answer is surely NOWT.

So you go to his house and act as his charlady? Tell him that your rate is £10 per hour.
Soul of big-hearted generosity, isn't he? Dump him. He'll never love you as much as he loves his closed wallet.

urgh that is so unattractive and also frankly illogical.

Dump him, this is just the beginning and it will get worse. He's financially abusing you already

I'm sure you're seeing him for what he is now after all these unanimous responses. It's normal to feel shit, ashamed etc as its your wake up call.
No relationship is worth devaluing yourself for like this. Much better to be alone and concentrate on your DC and what makes YOU happy. There is a great thread at the moment called 'the happy singletons'. Take a look, honestly you don't need a 'partner' in order to be fulfilled. Other posters mentioned the Freedom Program too. Read up on setting appropriate boundaries in relationships so that you can avoid any future fuckwits that try to take the piss.

I really hope you dump this vile excuse of a man, do it by text. You sound lovely and deserve happiness x

Dump. It will only get worse. He is stingy and likes having a maid.

Good grief, OP, he takes cocklodgerism to a whole new level! Not only does he get to sponge off you, he doesn’t even have to travel to you to do it! You subsidise his expenses, you even clean and tidy up after him, apart from other benefits I assume go with the package.

Kick him out so fast that his head doesn’t stop wobbling for a week. Then take some time out to think seriously about why your standards are so low and you don’t think you deserve far better. 💐

Thinking about all you have done for your DC and then the potential impact of this man ever started spending time with her later on, this couldn't be right. What would happen in the future if you ever were 'properly' together? Would he start charging for them coming to visit? There is a strong possibility of you undoing all the good work you will have inevitably done for your family with bringing a man like this into the fold.

What a horrible horrible person.

I can almost/just about get that you have been confused about all the rules about who pays for what and when because you wanted to be fair but please don’t see him ever again after he has called you a cretin and a witch. Fortunately I have never been called either of those vile names and I know I would never forget if I had.