Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

He is a complete wannabe cock lodger!!!!

It’s not equality or fairness when your girlfriend is spending £100 per month to spend time you twice a month and he spends fuck all.

He needs to read 1984, he sounds like one of the pigs.

He's not accepted any responsibility for how he behaved towards you at a point when you were understandably vulnerable and low after hospital. In fact reading between the lines of that mealy mouthed message from him, it'd appear he's still holding a grudge that you had the temerity to call him out on his unkindness and tight fistedness in the supermarket. I'm afraid, if you must analyse it, that he sees the convenience of a regular, compliant shag slipping away, hence wanting to give the impression that he's being reasonable by talking about being kind to each other. But actually, what he's done is kind of level out the suggestion he's been unkind with the use of the Royal 'we' and therefore has the barefaced bloody cheek to intimate you've been unpleasant to him!!! In other words, he's not sorry at all, doesn't think (or at least won't admit) he needs to look at his own behaviour and is trying to wear you down by injecting this element of doubt into the whole issue.

Really. It's all manipulation and double-speak. There's something highly repulsive about someone who's not only happy for you to make most of the physical effort in maintaining this relationship but also reckons he's so wonderful you actually 'owe' him for stepping foot into his home. Everything points to him seeing you as inferior to him. That your time and money isn't as valuable as his. That you don't need as much consideration as he does. Whether this is because you're female and he's a misogynist or whether he regards people on low pay and benefits as scum I don't know. Or perhaps it's a mix of both. Or he may be an utter narcissist. Or a controlling man who'd become financially abusive if ever you lived together. I can't tell.... but some or all of those things are strong possibilities.

Is it really worth the risk of subjecting yourself to more of the same should you decide to proceed with the so called relationship? He's shown you who he really is countless times. And to cap it all he spoke to you disgustingly and called you names.

Honestly, don't get drawn back into this. Send another message saying you've thought about it and it's over. You don't want to discuss it any further. Then delete and block. It's pointless trying to analyse what he said and what it might mean any longer. You deserve better.

He's all about him saving money by you getting to pay for your costs AND subsidise his...

My god if that's how he treats you when you are post-op I dread to think what he'll be like once you're out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship (which is technically what you're still in atm). "Fairness" that only actually goes one way is a very bad sign. Get rid and get well soon.

What’s life going to be like in 10 years. If you have a chronic illness. Have had to stop working. And need care
Not saying that’s going to happen. But often how someone treats you when you’re not well is the best indicator of their real self

Hellsbellsmelons genius as ever.

Seriously OP the women in here have been there done that got the T-Shirt. Once you “see it” they are all the same. But you have been feeling it for sometime - even if you couldn’t put your finger on it. Tune into that.

Take yourself out of punching distance now - physically and via communication. Otherwise he will continue to hurt you. Expect some fake hoovering - don’t fall for it.

I’m not going to reply. It’s never worked in the past, it just becomes a war.

Good for you, OP! you are waking up to his tactics.

Don't beat yourself up for having been taken in by him before. Lots of us have been there. The important thing is what you do going forward.

Please take this time to avoid contact with him (just tell him you need some space) and to do as much research as you can about abuse and control. Others have mentioned the Freedom Programme, I'd also recommend the "baggage reclaim" website and reading up on "grey rock technique" and anything you can find about emotional abuse. The more you learn about the common techniques used by SO MANY abusive, controlling jerks, the better you'll be able to protect yourself from them.

Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery and from Captain Dickface.

No no no this is NOT ok. He is being v unreasonable and sounds like a mean horrible penny pincher.

FWIW how you arrange contact with your ex is your business, you didn't ask for any advice on that did you?

I don't think it sounds fun to be in a relationship with someone who is calculating how much it is costing them the whole time. Nothing wrong with being careful with money, but there's definitely a middle ground and he seems to pre-occupied down to the last penny. That's a personality trait he's unlikely to move on from. Given that it is a long distance relationship it will be easy to let fizzle out.

Make yourself a list of what you are currently getting from the relationship and work out if it is worth continuing. The real question is can you continue to be in this relationship as it stands? If he won't change then that tells you something.

I don't think a woman, just out of hospital and lying ill in bed, needs to be bullied into ending her relationship because some posters want a vicarious thrill from the next stage in the story.

OP has said she will do it in her own good time.

Well, that response was depressingly predictable from him. He's doing what all abusers do.

This is why I suggested informing him it was over and then blocking him. Because this is about controlling you, so he will manipulate and gaslight and try to flip it around on you. He will say whatever he thinks will work to get you to doubt or blame yourself, to question reality and what's reasonable, to feel guilty and like he's doing you a favour. Until you give in and carry on as before.

Engaging with him is wasted energy. He will keep working away at you until he's eroded all your earlier confidence that his behaviour was out of line and unacceptable.

And making things so difficult and stressful that you do what he wants for a quiet life is the foundation of coercive control.

Op, your instincts aren't wrong. Trust them! To treat someone like that after an operation when they are needing the help! People like this are incapable of empathy and don't care about anyone. Empathy is the building blocks of a secure and healthy relationship.

If he can treat anyone like this when he should be doing more, just what will he be like if anyone ever needs his help!

This is not a relationship, it's power and control and completely 100% to benefit him. When you're feeling better, have some time to deal with this and block him. Don't go back.

The sensible thing to do would be to tell him it's over and not to contact you again. Then block him on everything.

I have a feeling you won't, though

Have you found it helpful to see how he responded?

You sounded a bit indignant before about him suggesting you were aggressive etc which strikes me as positive in the circumstances! It will help you cut through the fog.

I'll translate for you op.

"Hi ,
I'm just going to throw some word salad in your direction until you forget how nasty I've been. I'm hoping that I can continue to behave like a dick once you've calmed down. I like the way things are , even if you don't. X"

@OvalCanvas - think you summed up his message perfectly! 👌🏻

Hi OP, I hope you're feeling okay today.

The fundamental issue here is that you both have different ideas of what equality should mean within this relationship.

You believe that it should be equal reciprocating of gestures and spending. He believes it's measured on some sort of point system.

You need to address this, for what it is and not for what it is in one moment. Losing your temper at one instance doesn't make him see the big picture, it gives him something to hold on to and excuse.

Instead of specific "I did this and you did that on these dates" try "I feel as though we should aim to -very specific goal here-". Then you are able to both get your points across without harping back to the past and never moving forward.

You've bitten your tongue in what you feel is an unfair situation and it's gotten away from you, continued too long and built up inside you.

Also, he's a douche.

I would recommend to go forward with something along the lines of this:

Thank you for agreeing to give me time to process things. I appreciate that you are unhappy discussing the subject further, however I feel it is something that absolutely needs to be talked about.

I feel as though our relationship hasn't been very equal, despite this being what we both want.

I understand that my home situation means that it makes more sense for me to come to you, and I have no issue with doing this. However, when I come to you I don't feel as though I am a guest in your home. (State your reasons for this, labeling them as your feelings and not his actions).

Go on to explain to him how the situation is different when he comes to yours and how you are happy to provide food and beverages for him when there. And would like to see yourself treated the same way.

Again, keep the language free of blame.

Where you absolutely should be firm is where he talks about how he works harder than you etc.

Explain to him that you don't feel respected when he talks to you that way, and you feel as though he doesn't feel his time is as valuable as his.

Explain that there is a difference in your income and that it's not easy for you to provide for both your household and his, and suggests that maybe he hasn't considered this before, because he earns more.

Explain that your relationship has been able to progress because you have gone to him and that he's not "putting you up" but doing his part to make things work, as you are.

Put forward a suggestion that you both maintain financial independence if it's so important to him to be equal. Pay your part for your meals, bring food for yourself alone when you go to eachothers homes.

When he tells you that's ridiculous, which most people would, suggest he treats you like a partner then and stops keeping score or doesn't treat you like anything because you're worth more than this.

Sorry I think I've just gotten away with myself 😂

I was in a relationship with a guy a while ago. We lived together, we shared the bills. He earned more than I did but insisted everything was 50/50. But he would never pay for any treats. It was always on me. Which was fine. I was broke and he had steady savings. After a while I stopped including him in treats. I would take myself and DS out for food or to the cinema and not include him. And he would complain. I explained that I couldn't afford it all on my own and that he would have to start being 50/50 away from the bills too or just miss out.

...we didn't last long. Some people are just dicks.

Good luck OP

He sounds absolutely dreadful !!!!

Get rid !!! It's gets worse and worse reading 160 mile round trip and he won't split the petrol. Can't even treat you to nice food and wine ?!!

Get RID !!! X

ohwheniknow post at 14:19 is the exact dynamic of what is happening before your eyes and no doubt has happened at other times in the RS. Read it again and again so that you understand that if he is not 100% blocked and deleted you are just back in the game - which he always wins by beating you into submission. You are especially vulnerable right now - physically and emotionally. Do what you need to do to emotionally protect yourself.

Wouldn't you have expected some sort of apology from him op? He's quite clever with the way he's worded his reply as he hasn't addressed anything you brought up, lots of people on here with experience of this.

Please don't feel guilty but please don't underplay his actions.. reading through I can see a lot of similarities to my experience and you just try to see things from his point of view and downplay your own feelings.

You can find someone better than this

I have a feeling you won't, though

You're right to feel that way. At least OP is armed with the info that MN agrees he is a tight, nasty, abusive dick who doesn't even like her - let alone 'care' about her. She may well put up with more abuse for a while, out of habit and fearing being alone, but her eyes are open now.

I do agree with you twenty, having spent many years of marriage with someone when I downplayed his behaviour and just thought... this is what a relationship is, it's not going to be all good.

You lose yourself on the way and feel guilt about not making it work, fear of being alone, really hope you gain some insight from these replies op and can focus on yourself.. your not gaining anything from this relationship as it stands and he hasn't got the ability to take responsibility for his actions or change.

I don't think a woman, just out of hospital and lying ill in bed, needs to be bullied into ending her relationship because some posters want a vicarious thrill from the next stage in the story.

I don't think anyone is trying to bully her, it's just that many of us have been there and feel passionately that another woman should not be subjected to this kind of abuse. I hope the OP feels that we've helped her, not tried to strong-arm her into something she doesn't want to do.

I am astonished at the number of people on unequal salaries in relationships where everything is split 50:50. In a loving relationship things should be fair, but there has to be lots of give and take. Nobody should take advantage, but counting every penny is just plain wrong. If both parties love and trust one another and behave with kindness and generosity this conversation shouldn't even come up. Wouldn't it be a lovely surprise if occasionally your partner fills your car up with fuel, OP, without you even thinking to ask, or buys in a case of wine? He earns loads more than you do, he can afford to be generous and treat you to some lovely treats. Tell him you can only come occasionally as the travel costs are leaving you out of pocket! You deserve so much more!