Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

Get rid. He sounds awful b

I just want to get better and be out of bed so when I end it I can get out of the house and see friends and distract myself. I’m bed bound right now. I made this thread to get opinions of the situation and they are conclusive that he’s awful. I knew he was difficult and demanding but after this weekend when I needed him the most I can’t see a future with him anymore. He’s not caring enough, not loving enough to be with into my old age. If he can’t be kind to me now he’s never going to be. If he can’t treat me to a few cheap bits and bobs from the supermarket now when I’m ill and need caring for, it’s says everything about him. It’s bad enough that he’s not romantic but to haggle over a pack of 70p eggs, milk and olive oil when he’s noshing down all my food for days is disgusting. I thought I could handle his version of ‘equality’ but in reality it only works when it benefits him. When he has to do his equal part he stalls and baulks. It’s rank. I know this.

It's hard not to want to be 50/50. Women are taught that it's important to be independent, which is great. Suffragettes fought for our equality and whatnot.

So we never ask. We never want to look that weak. We get on with it. Some men will offer and insist. Some men just don't.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

*I just can’t face sending the text right now

Yet you can face posting here.

I expect you'll continue paying his fee of £1200 in goods and services per year.*

Was an unpleasant post. Plus the numerous "just do it", "just block him" has a cumulative bullying effect, IMO.

Go back to him and say that instead of 50/50 you want the same percentage of earnings spent on each other.
A high percentage of your earnings will likely go to your dependents and you need to take that into account when you are trying to match someone's outgoings when you don't earn the same wage.

I thought I could handle his version of ‘equality’ but in reality it only works when it benefits him.

Which is the furthest from equality. I'm glad for you that you are seeing this. I hope you have a quick recovery and then move away from this abusive tool. You deserve more. Good luck.

Ok I need a hand hold, I’ve just sent the text saying I’m done.

Well done and I hope you don't feel forced into this. I'm sure that lots of us are here for you having been in similar situations.

No I don’t feel forced into it. I sent this:

I am extremely kind to you. I just wish you had been able to be the same to me this weekend. I’m afraid I do want equality too and expect to be treated with the same loving gestures and kindness that I do for you. I’m at a loss to think how to continue after what has happened as to call someone you love a witch and a cretin when they have been in hospital and not only that, treated you with kindness and thoughtfulness while you are here. You’ll only turn the whole thing back onto me as you already have - it seems that when I dare to open my mouth to tell you that you are being uncaring or unfair or unequal (despite you demanding this from me) you attack me. To do this while I am recovering from an operation, to throw my shopping through the door, to drive off in a huff and threaten to leave when I’m so ill. To say you are not romantic so it expunges you from any caring, thoughtful or kind gestures. I think we should have a break and if you decide that I am worth you going out of your comfort zone to actually be kind and thoughtful sometimes, to STOP making me feel uncomfortable in your home when I come, to STOP counting up every penny you feel you have to spend on me. I am spending about £100 a month in petrol, food and drinks to further our relationship and I refuse to also 100 % spend on you when you come here too and be called a witch and a cretin in thanks. I can’t just get over this, you kicked me when I was down and I’m done.

Well done. Agree with chocolatesaltyballs22

Well done OP, you'll get there

Can you block for a few days now?

Or do you need to still be in the game either watching his ghosting or waiting for his punch back?

Or do you have a fantasy that he will declare his undying love and rock up with roses and an hamper from F&M?

Can you protect yourself?

Well done for sending the message OP. How are you feeling now?

How do you expect I’m feeling?!?!

OP remember that he is as convinced in his opinion being right as you are in yours, probably more so if anything. So don't give any credibility to any counter arguments or justifications that he may message back to you. You don't need his permission to feel aggrieved at his behaviour.

Glad you sent it but you have left it open for him to reel you back in promises if he thinks you are worth it...

Please work on yourself and realise the crumbs he throws means he isn't worth it!

I don’t know, that’s why I asked

Sad? Relieved? Worried?

Well done OP. That must have been nerve wracking. Block him at least for now so you're not sat waiting for a message to ping in

I'm not gonna lie, that message is a little confusing and I don't know what you were trying to communicate. You're saying you're done but offering him a door back in? Why? Are you actually intending to draw a line and end things or are you just trying to give him his next "second" chance?

Because men as manipulative and calculating as he has shown himself to be are perfectly capable of playacting for just long enough to get their feet under the table again.

Anyway, can any of your friends visit you at home for short periods to keep you company while you're recovering? Or Skype or phone for a chat?

I hope that you feel proud for v eloquently and assertively stating your case - and declaring your boundary.

I would take that an run with it - enjoy that feeling of pride because if you don’t block him he will just rip that away from you either by a passive aggressive confusing text or ghosting.

You are in the cockpit here for another few minutes and can decide which way this will go - you in control. Or leaving yourself open to attack and abuse. What will you do? Is there still some wishful thinking / hopefully deluded part of you that can’t see the evidence of behaviour over the last 2 years and is expecting something else?

Welldone OP. I would rant away on here but talk to friends IRL too, he's a useless shit and treated you badly.

At least prioritise your physical health today and batten down the hatches and get some rest.

Analysis:

Exec Summary:
No apology. I do not take responsibility for what happened. You are bieng a pain.

Hi, of course you can have time to think.
yes, It is up to me to decide whether you can have time I will give my permission for you to think, I will allow it

I’m personally hoping we can drop the whole thing. I don’t want to analyse it any more times

However, I am now feeling pretty impatient. Move on, you have made your fuss, as far as I am concerned there is nothing for you to keep complaining about

and think the only real lesson is we need to be kinder and more tolerant to each other. Neither of us are perfect, no one is. Things will happen in the future no matter what we might solve today.

I take no responsibility for what happened, you make me behave like that and it isn't a big deal any way, there was no major problem in what happened, you need to stop making a fuss about things

We just need to be less aggressive to each other.. treat each other well and not carry baggage.

You started this by challenging me, don't argue with me and things will be OK. And stop going on about it, I already told you there is nothing to discuss, move on

X

I will not deign to say I love you, or ask how you are feeling, or re-assure you at all, because you are causing all this by banging on about a bit of minor name calling. But I have added a token kiss so that you know you can drive up and buy more groceries as soon as you are fit. When will that be, by the way?

Sorry, OP, I didn't see your latest update.

He did kick you when you are down, he did send a 'non-apology' text in response to your first one.

I am so sorry this has all turned out like this, and especially when you are vulnerable and needed a partner to be your rock.

Sadly it is exactly at this time that they show their true colours.

Though he has been flying his red flags for a while.

His behaviour has been truly horrible.

Sending you and I hope your RL friends can rally round.

Well done. He’s the one who’s a cretin!