Confused about contributions with DP

[Buggedandconfused]

My DP and have a long distance relationship. For the last year I’ve spent a lot more time at his house every other weekend than he has at mine because my children stay at my house with their Dad (my exH) on their weekends with him. My exH and I are amicable and it works well for us as kids otherwise have to travel a fair distance to see him and it’s less disruptive.

My DP has told me he wants financial equality between us which us absolutely fine, it’s been tricky To navigate as he earns a lot more than me and has a big savings pot, whereas I am on tax credit, get maintenance from exH for the kids and work part-time. I earn about 1/3 to 1/4 of my DP and have no savings.

When I visit him he expects me to contribute to food and clean up while I am there and keep things tidy, ie, wash up, empty dishwasher, make bed etc. No problem. I always take drinks for him & I when I arrive and buy food to cook. We take turns buying drinks when out and also take turns buying meals/lunch out for one another. If I go to the supermarket with him while I am there I give him money towards the food and/or buy my own wine which sometimes he drinks too.

Just recently he’s been able to start coming to mine, and when he arrives he comes empty handed. He doesn’t buy any food for us and just eats what I have in. We went to the supermarket at mine and he just wanted to buy his own beers, and for me to pay for the milk/eggs etc - about £8 worth. I got upset, and said he wants equality when I’m at his but does not treat me the same. He says because I’ve spent so much time at his house that I ‘owe’ him more, despite me trying really hard to pay my own way when I’m there.

I’m really confused. I thought I had been pulling my weight at his house and thought he would treat me the same at mine - but apparently he feels I still owe him for all the time I’ve spent at his.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for us to write up an agreement for what is required when we spend time at each other’s houses? I’ve never been in a relationship before where it has to be so cut and dried, or where the partner gets upset at my contributions or apparent lack of. I’ve never had to think about it before, it’s just been an organic loving process of being together. I’m in my 50’s as is he.

Yes he has minimised and ignored everything and then attributed half the blame to you.

Emotional abuse in action before your eyes.

He's trying to make out you're equally at fault. Don't reply to that. Just keep silent for now. He's trying to get you to stop questioning him. I don't think he is a good person.

Oh dear, he is trying to brush the whole thing under the carpet now that you've called him out for being a dick. He can't even see what he's done wrong. I would be furious if I were you. If he values you, he should be apologising and describing to you how he will change. He is trying to switch part of the blame onto you. My ex husband did this all the time and you end up doubting your own sanity. I would honestly not engage with him any further if I were you.

Well he wasn’t kind to me at the weekend that’s for sure! He thinks the basics of taking me to the hospital, cooking (my) food and washing up is kindness in extreme.

That's not kindness in extreme, it's doing the basics like you said.

He definitely thinks I’m to blame too. Because I dared to get frustrated at his tight attitude in the supermarket and call him out on his double standards. He did apologise but also demanded that I did too... I did, for some peace.

I’m not going to reply. It’s never worked in the past, it just becomes a war.

I have just RTFT and OMG have to jump in on his reply.

DO NOT RESPOND and please do not give him any more time. He has not accepted blame for his arsehole behaviour, not admitted that actually, he was a total knob at a time when you were unwell and vulnerable, and not said that the 50/50 "fairness" could be adapted to your individual situation. Finally, he has not apologised for making you feel crap, unloved, and a "little bit mad". (You are a woman of sound mind).

Even when neither of us is actually "wrong", in a tense situation, my partner and I say "I am sorry that I made you feel like that" or "I misunderstood and I didn't mean to be angry/horrible/stubborn/a twat".

This guy sounds like a mean, tight-fisted drain on your happiness and frankly, no one is worth that. Block him and pat yourself on the back for dodging a bullet and trusting your "this isn't right" instinct.

DARVO - well know abuser tactic.

Defend, Attack, Reverse, Victim & Offender.

To make you feel unsettled, confused and gaslighted.

Urgh, how unattractive, a mean tightwad. And he's unfair to. Just nasty. I'd dump him.

He clearly wants you to continue to service him financially, do his housework and have sex with him - so that's his text analysed for you.

He's got quite the cushy number with you, and it won't be easy for him to find someone else as accommodating.

Honestly you just don't need a man like this in your life. This will be an ongoing battle. The name calling on top signals control and belittling. Get away from him and find someone who deserves you!

He's very unkind. He doesn't love you.

Block him until you feel ready to talk (if ever).

@Buggedandconfused Re the message: He's alluding to the fact that you're carrying baggage whilst downplaying his own, aggressive nature. He's trying to put it on you, basically. And as a by the way, by saying 'of course you can have time to think' alludes to the fact that you asked him if you could 'have time to think'. It's a weird dynamic, the 'of course you can' tone is patronizing as fuck.

He can’t even accept he was in the wrong
Can you imagine the rest of your life with a man like this!?

I would reply.

“I have had sufficient time now to think. The relationship is over. Do not contact me again.”

You then need to block him as he will turn his current covert text abuse to overt.

He did apologise when he was here, but blamed me for making him react like that. Yup, I was fucking pissed off to be taken for a chump yet again financially whilst he was putting his hand in his pocket not once. In fact, despite feeding him from Thursday night, providing him with breakfast in the car and a really nice packed lunch while I was in hospital, my food in return for dinner, beer in my fridge, all food - except he took me for lunch where I had a £6 starter and a £5 glass of wine. He actually said that he felt the ‘lunch’ he took me on was more than enough in repayment.

Also, any time you feel the need to respond to him (I know the frustration of being right and wanting the other person to see, or all the "and another thing..." anger) post it here.

Keep your dignity, you have the power in walking away. Any contact with him will be an opportunity for him to undermine your perception. Don't let him back in.

PS. Taking you to hospital, cooking your own food and doing the washing up is the bare minimum. My partner got upset that I called him on his lack of support after an injury, but he knew full well that emptying the bin and doing the washing up twice in ten days was not enough by any measure. He apologised and helped more while I got better.

Here is your translation....

I’m personally hoping we can drop the whole thing = Don’t you talk about this again. Yes I was abusive and nasty but you aren’t supposed to picking up on that so drop it and I might let you continue seeing me!

I don’t want to analyse it any more times = leave me alone – stop over thinking this because you may come to the correct conclusion that I’m an abusive, controlling, sponger!

we need to be kinder and more tolerant to each other = I know I’m horrible to you and you are good to me but I’m still going to put half the blame on you because I’m a narcissistic asshole!

Neither of us are perfect, no one is = I know I’m far from perfect but let’s bring you into this again and shift the blame so you don’t focus on what a piece of shit I am and start focusing on what might be wrong with you! Which is nothing but I need to keep you on the back foot and make you feel shit about yourself!

Things will happen in the future no matter what we might solve today = I will hoover you back in. You cannot resist me and I will reel you in and make you dance to my tune again because I’m marvelous and you are just a ‘woman’. I know how good a manipulator I am and I CAN and WILL win you round again. And take advantage again.

We just need to be less aggressive to each other = I know I name call and I’m a fucking horrible fuckwit sometimes, but let’s turn it around on YOU again here and deflect from me.

and not carry baggage = Don’t bring up what I’ve done before. I want to forget all about that so I can reel you back in and take further advantage of you. I don’t want to lose my meal ticket and regular shag so step in line and all will be fine. For a while, until I decide to turn up the abuse again.

Hope that Helps!!!!

I’m personally hoping we can drop the whole thing. - he means: I don't want to hear anything about this situation being unfair, I like it the way it is, thanks very much.

I don’t want to analyse it any more times and think the only real lesson is we need to be kinder and more tolerant to each other. - I don't want to change anything, you need to accept it and shut up.

Neither of us are perfect, no one is - even if it's all true what you say, it does not matter, as you are not perfect either.
Things will happen in the future no matter what we might solve today. - the same situation will be repeated as I don't want to change anything.
We just need to be less aggressive to each other.. treat each other well and not carry baggage - all this is because you have baggage. Nothing wrong with me. You must treat me well and never bring my stingyness up again.

He did try to make it up to me on Sunday, by offering to take me to the supermarket and/or to lunch but I was too upset and couldn’t even look at him. What’s the point in being nice once you’ve been so vile? It means nothing.

I actually cannot believe that you have conversations in such detail about how he has compensated you (or not, as the case may be). He is obsessed with money! It must be exhausting! Please please please get rid - you won't regret it.

And...... if you ever need to show him exactly what an abusive, nasty prick he is, then send him a link to this thread and then block him!

I hate having the money conversations but he is obsessed by saving money and ‘equality’ and ‘fairness’ - I’ve never had to talk to my boyfriend/partner in such detail about money before but he makes such a big deal about it. He didn’t in the beginning though! I did say we should each pay a percentage of our earnings, but he said it wasn’t fair as he ‘worked harder’ than me! I just can’t win. I ended up doing 50/50 for a quiet life tbh.

I’m extremely grateful for all your replies, thank you so much! It’s giving me strength and perspective.