Fed up of DH

[Biancadelrioisback]

Just that really!
Every morning he "can't" get up.
I get up at 5:30, shower, dry my hair, do my makeup, make us coffee, wake up DS, get him breakfast, pack his bag for nursery, make his packed lunch, make packed lunches for DH and I, brush DSs teeth and wash his face, get him dressed, get me dressed etc. We need to leave the house at 7:30 and despite several attempts to wake DH up, he rolls out of bed at 7:15, into the shower, clothes on and is ready to go.
This morning I lost it with him. I've spoke about this with him as many times but he always says "I don't need to get up any earlier, I'm always ready on time" or "fine, from now on I'll sort out DS, you just do you" but he never does.
On the odd occasion we are late getting out the house, he is the one in a bad mood! He can't be late for work whereas my work are quite happy with me getting in any time before 10. I'm sick of being tired in the mornings. I'm sick of asking for help and nothing changing.
It's worth noting that DH does have depression and has always needed more sleep than me to function. It was a running joke with his mates that he needed 10 hours sleep a night and will nap given half a chance. He didn't get a nap or a lie in this weekend (I did for once) because of other commitments he made. He said that it isnt fair because I don't understand how tired he is and I'm "having a go".

He is a great guy in other aspects and I love him dearly. He is a great dad and a great partner is every other way....but I can't cope with the stress each morning! I end up sprinting around that by the time I get into work, I'm frazzled. I have to deal with a screaming DS, constantly pop into our room to give him a time update, I turn the lights on and open the curtains but I feel like I'm a mum of a slobby teenager sometimes.
What do I do?!

Is there a reason that you’re doing all the morning get ups with your son? If not, you need to work out a fairer split and on your dh’s days, completely stay out of the way.

Stop making your Dh’s packed lunches. You’re enabling him to live like a child.

At the very least, you need to get dh contributing by doing packed lunches and packing bags the night before. Then he can’t say he’s too tired the next morning.

My DH can struggle to get out of bed too. I don't help him though - we have two children so I sort them and me and just leave if he's not ready.

Now you've had words with him this morning, tell him tonight you're going to make sure you and DS are sorted but that you can't take responsibility for him in the morning anymore. He needs to set alarms to get out of bed, and make his own lunch.

As he has depression I'd keep getting up with DS for the time being, until he gets his own shit sorted in the morning. Then start getting him to sort DS two mornings per week.

God, definitely quit behaving like his mum. Why are you waking him up, giving time updates? Every other adult uses an alarm. If he's late for work, calmly let him face the consequences.

Regarding DS, you need to agree something that works for you both. I sympathize that with depression he will struggle with sleep. Can he go to bed earlier, so he can do ds half of days? Or would it work better if he takes on a different task so you get a spare hour in the evening instead?

If you can start at 10 why are you leaving at 7.30? I’d leave him to get himself to work, you’re not his mum.

Why are you making his packed lunches? Fuck him.
Either he makes it the night before (and can make yours and DC while he’s at it) or he starves.
Little steps.

To add, you don’t need 2 hrs to get ready, packed lunches at night, if I didn’t start until 10 there’s no way Id be up at 5.30

We both travel to work together. His work has parking, mine doesn't so after the drive in, I then walk to my work from his and back over at the end of each day. We can't afford to travel separately so I can't leave without him. Him being late to work will impact us financially and we live on a shoe string budget so we really can't have that (all contributing factors to his depression I'm afraid).
He does set alarms but he just doesn't hear them. I've tried leaving him but then we're just late and that sets him off.

My office is start anytime between 9-10. I try to get there for 9 so I can leave at 5 but there is no issue with me starting at 10, id just need to finish at 6.
We leave at 7:30 because we have an hour commute and then I have a half hour walk. DH starts at 8:30.

If I don't make his lunch he just won't eat and he has struggled with his weight and MH for a while. Plus, if I'm making mine and DSs, it doesn't take a lot to make an extra one.

There have to be a few negative consequences or the situation with never change.

Either you make peace with acting like his mother or you accept a slightly bumpy ride as things change.

What’s stopping him making pack ups and getting things ready the night before?

Also, I do take 2 hours to get all that done in the morning. That's just how long it takes me.
If DH did some of the childcare in the morning I could get up later! This is part of the problem.

I'm your dh in this scenario.
You are definitely enabling him. Your panic to get him to work in case he loses his job is making you enable him.
You should stop it though it's not actually helping either of you. As a pp said he should pack lunch night before if he doesn't then just do yours and dc and leave him to it.
If he's not in the car he's going to have to explain to his work he can't make it in that day; all of this is much more likely to result in him acting more adult like.

Like you say you've reached the end of your tether so act like it. If you continue the status quo how are you blaming him for doing the same? Re him eating these are al things that unless he takes responsibility for they won't change and also if he ends up not eating for weeks on end at least his work will see he's struggling and they would have a duty to help make changes so he can cope unless they can prove it affects their functioning. So all in you have so much you should let go of and see what happens. After that you know your options. Stay as mum of dc and him or leave. In which case you'd leave him to sort his job and lunches anyway!

A lot of this needs to be done the night before including your shower and hair drying and making yours and sons lunch and packing his bag for nursery. That way you can get up at least an hour later and just have a quick wash and dress.

Your DH can sort his own packed lunch out whenever suits him whether it's the night before when you're doing yours or in the morning if he wants and I wouldn't be popping in to give time updates, put the light on or open curtains as you would do if he wasn't there, he has an alarm on his phone otherwise that he can use, inform him you will not be his snooze button. And then leave the house without him if he's not ready on time.

In all fairness, he gets home between 7-8pm and cooks tea, then goes straight to bed. He likes cooking, it's "his thing" in the evenings to relax him and I'm just happy he has something that relaxes him in the evenings.

I know I'm enabling him, I just don't know how to stop!

Are you his carer or his wife?

He does sound like a child and is using his depression to excuse his poor behaviour, do you bring him home in the evening?
I’d do lunches, bags, hair the night before and make it clear to him if he’s late it’s his fault, he’s having 10/11 hrs sleep, far more than you! He doesn’t seem to be doing g anything to help himself. You are NOT his mum!!

Can you split it so that half the days he's the one getting up at 5.30 while you stay in bed until after 7?

So if he does the cooking he can just cook a bit extra put in some Tupperware and have it for lunch the next day?

Can't he at least drop you off at work?! I hate that he drives to his own office then leaves you to walk 30 minutes, especially after you've done everything at home.

I can't see that you're getting from this relationship, to be honest.

The thing is he won't!! I've asked him to do this before but he just won't. No reason, he just won't think about it.

If I was you I’d get up and go and if he’s not at the door at 7.30 then tough, your DS won’t be pandered to like this as he gets older will he? He won’t think about it because he knows you’ll give in.

Then you already have your answer op. You are making excuses for him even now saying he just won't. Of course he will. He managed to get to work so he obviously doesn't want to lose his job so take the car and leave him there. If you don't grow a backbone he'll continue to use you. And if you can't leave him for one day to make his own way to work then I highly doubt you'll follow through on any ultimatum for divorce.

I can't go without him because we go together. He drives as he has somewhere to park. I work in a city centre with no parking and I can't afford city centre parking.

@JKScot4 - the OP's husband is the only one with a car, and they all travel together. So she can't just go.

OP, could you get the train? I appreciate it's a ball-ache, and that you couldn't do the nursery run (could you?) but would the train be an option, if you live in the city centre?

You already have to walk 30 minutes a day.