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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up of DH

86 replies

Biancadelrioisback · 13/01/2020 08:36

Just that really!
Every morning he "can't" get up.
I get up at 5:30, shower, dry my hair, do my makeup, make us coffee, wake up DS, get him breakfast, pack his bag for nursery, make his packed lunch, make packed lunches for DH and I, brush DSs teeth and wash his face, get him dressed, get me dressed etc. We need to leave the house at 7:30 and despite several attempts to wake DH up, he rolls out of bed at 7:15, into the shower, clothes on and is ready to go.
This morning I lost it with him. I've spoke about this with him as many times but he always says "I don't need to get up any earlier, I'm always ready on time" or "fine, from now on I'll sort out DS, you just do you" but he never does.
On the odd occasion we are late getting out the house, he is the one in a bad mood! He can't be late for work whereas my work are quite happy with me getting in any time before 10. I'm sick of being tired in the mornings. I'm sick of asking for help and nothing changing.
It's worth noting that DH does have depression and has always needed more sleep than me to function. It was a running joke with his mates that he needed 10 hours sleep a night and will nap given half a chance. He didn't get a nap or a lie in this weekend (I did for once) because of other commitments he made. He said that it isnt fair because I don't understand how tired he is and I'm "having a go".

He is a great guy in other aspects and I love him dearly. He is a great dad and a great partner is every other way....but I can't cope with the stress each morning! I end up sprinting around that by the time I get into work, I'm frazzled. I have to deal with a screaming DS, constantly pop into our room to give him a time update, I turn the lights on and open the curtains but I feel like I'm a mum of a slobby teenager sometimes.
What do I do?!

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 13/01/2020 11:29

Is it the depression or the meds causing the tiredness?

Because depression-induced tiredness actually reduces as you increase your activity levels, not the other way around. Excessive sleep/rest makes it worse.

It's not tiredness causing him to refuse to make packed lunches.

If he was perfect to you then you wouldn't have posted. Changing the meaning of the word perfect isn't really a solution.

Ariela · 13/01/2020 12:10

Get him to make the packed lunches and get all bags etc ready the night before. He clearly has some sort of need to sleep in, so enable it by him doing half an hour's work the night before - while you shower and dry your hair, leaving you a good hour extra in bed in the morning.

blackcat86 · 13/01/2020 12:22

I think there's a lot to be said for be realistic about what your DH can offer. I get up at 5am on my workdays to get myself ready and then toddler DD because I know DH wouldn't do it. However, as DH has refused I make him set the alarm for 5am so he gets woken up to (3 days a week anyway). Has he had his meds reviewed as some ADs can cause tiredness and difficulty waking? However it sounds like he's always had this and it's a bit of an running joke. He clearly doesn't see anything related to mornings as his responsibility but I certainly wouldn't be micormananging him getting up to.

MrsTidyHouse · 13/01/2020 13:05

The more I think about this thread, the more my heart goes out to your little DS. His needs are being forgotten in all this. If DH genuinely struggles to get up in the morning, and can’t share the care at that point, can he sit in the back of the car with DS and chat and play with him on the way to nursery?

Otherwise, I have this awful picture in my mind of the wee soul seeing you in a bad mood every morning, DH shouting on any days that you’re all late, and seeing the backs of your heads in the car as you bicker with each other on the nursery run.

I hope I’m wrong....

EKGEMS · 13/01/2020 13:52

He's controlling and manipulating you because you're scared to force the issue because of the suicide attempt. If he is that unwell he needs a reassessment and perhaps intensive help to cope with his life stressors. You could also use counseling if you honestly think he's your rock

Atinytrolley · 13/01/2020 16:59

OP, I can understand both sides of this. I am soooo not a morning person! (I can understand your DH meaning to get up early, but then not, that morning fog really is difficult to combat). I do think though that getting up at 5.30 when you only need to leave at 7.30 is not fair to either of you and it’s certainly not working. Yes, stuff needs to be done but so much of what you are getting frazzled doing by yourself in the morning could be done by both of you the night before.

I'd suggest you have your showers, make the packed lunches (you or DH can do it, or alternate) pack DS’s nursery bag, set out clothes the night before. Even set out most of makings for breakfast and coffee. Then you can get up later and DH might find it easier to get up with you at, say, 6.30/6.45 rather than 5.30 - he’s had an extra hour of sleep. If most stuff is done the night before and both of you are pitching in, you can definitely be up and out is way less than an hour. Why don’t you talk to him tonight, tell him you're fed up of getting up at 5.30 (he should certainly understand that!) and come up with a plan.

EllaEllaE · 13/01/2020 17:26

Agh, this sounds so hard! To me it sounds like the sleeping ten hours plus depression thing is perhaps at the root of this problem. If he's going to bed early and still having that much trouble waking, it's probably not much fun for him either. And if he is a half decent guy, I suspect he's probably aware that this isn't fair on you but also not sure what to do about it...

Schedule a time to sit down and talk about the whole issue. It might even help (if you can afford it) to schedule a couple of couples therapy sessions, specifically to discuss this problem.

Either way, to defuse some of the resentment/guilt cycle, you can frame the conversation as being less about how annoyed you are, and more about how his exhaustion is a medical problem that needs to be solved (for everyone's sake).

He may need to get a full medical check, including checking for sleep disorders. It might be he needs his meds updated. Perhaps he needs to fit in some daily exercise (which you will both need to figure out how to manage within your schedules).

But sleeping that much and finding it almost impossible to wake up is not normal.

Mary1935 · 13/01/2020 17:37

It’s always interesting when people say someone suffers from depression. Is he taking medication if so it should have lifted.
If it’s not then he needs to go back to the gp for an increase or a different one.
Best wishes

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2020 17:39

Is he taking medication if so it should have lifted.

Unfortunately, for plenty of people antidepressants aren’t a magic pill to “lift” depression.

JasonPollack · 13/01/2020 17:41

He needs to do more the evening before, or do half the early wakeups. Give him the choice.

If he says he will get up and doesn't then I suggest a very cold wet flannel to the face. Works on teenagers.

Interestedwoman · 13/01/2020 17:44

As a PP said, he should keep going back to the doctor until they hit on something new, or a different dose, that works for him. There are dozens of things they can try. Same goes for different types of therapy. You could ask him if he won't do it for himself, to do it for you.

I also agree with the PP's- if he's more of an evening than a morning person, he could do some stuff to help on the night like portioning out lunch etc. His mental health isn't primarily your responsibility- it's best dealt with by professionals. You have to care for your own mental health and well being, though. Keep telling him the splitting of work isn't fair on you. If he really can't manage it, he could pay for someone to come in on minimum wage and help out with stuff. I'm not earning, but when I had anaemia I hired a cleaner so the house was up to my partner's exacting standards (he was waiting for a hip replacement so couldn't do it himself.) Stuff like that is affordable even on a tight budget, if you prioritize it and factor it in (which he should, out of consideration for you.)

Is there a particular reason why money is so tight? That can make life seem much more grim.

gaffamate · 13/01/2020 17:45

DH aside, you don't need 2 hours to get ready for work and a nursery aged child out of the door.

Dogladyxo · 13/01/2020 17:54

OP, are you taking in anything we're saying??

fishonabicycle · 13/01/2020 18:16

Like they all say - you need to stop making it possible for him to be a pain. And he definitely needs his medication changed if he is sleeping from 8.30 til 7.15.

Yeahnah2020 · 13/01/2020 18:18

@Biancadelrioisback you can just leave. That might get him to sort his life out!! Of course he’ll go ballistic stuck at home with no transport but it will hopefully spur him into action. You have a second child on your hands with him. He is definitely using “depression” as an excuse. If he is on the correct medication and dose, he wouldn’t be depressed and would be able to get up normally. But let me guess, he isn’t on medication? Just stop enabling him.

madcatladyforever · 13/01/2020 18:21

He is a great guy in other aspects and I love him dearly. He is a great dad and a great partner is every other way.

No he isn't he's a prick and he is completely stressing you out.

Teenage boys need 10 hours sleep not a grown man and he must be pretty disgusting hygiene wise if he only spends 15 minutes getting dressed.

He needs to GROW UP.

Yeahnah2020 · 13/01/2020 18:24

And I agree with other posters. The depression is a red herring. He sounds extremely selfish in general. Depression doesn’t make you selfish

madcatladyforever · 13/01/2020 18:25

I have the menopause, I have to get up at 5.30 am for my NHS job and feel permanently exhausted so when the alarm goes off two rooms away I get up straight away without even thinking and get going, there is no time to mess about.
You are enabling this behaviour and he thinks he can get away with it.

Mrshue · 13/01/2020 18:29

Half of that can be done the evening before. I do most of it beforehand. Otherwise it’s rushing in the morning

How did your husband get to places on time before you turned up?

Also £10 a day in petrol? Are you driving some 120 miles or so a day?!?

PicsInRed · 13/01/2020 18:30

He is my rock, has been there for me through thick and thin

No, he's the cunt who forces you to get up at 5.30am each morning to do fucking everything.

Cooks the dinner. Pfft. A drop in the domestic ocean. I bet he doesn't clean the kitchen ... or does a shitty half arsed job of it.

Leave him at home and spend the money on parking. Fuck the budget, his money will be fucked too, it's the only way he'll learn ... or that you'll discover he really doesn't give a shit about you and the family which he doesn't.

In war, sometimes one needs to sacrifice a few soldiers.

ConnorRipley · 13/01/2020 18:31

If he’s too depressed to knock up a couple of packed lunches and pack a toddler’s bag in the evenings then he needs to go back to the GP and adjust his meds.

I can’t believe he leaves it all up to you to do a two hour morning routine, knowing you’ve got a half hour walk at the other end.

It sounds like he’s using his depression as a shield to hide the fact that he’s a selfish knob.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 13/01/2020 18:41

This sounds tough OP. Has he never ever had to get himself up that early in the morning without somebody else being there to wake him!?

He’s saying he “can’t” get up but of course that’s not true, he just won’t because he knows you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

Do you actually believe that he doesn’t hear the alarm? What would he do if you weren’t around!?

CadburyFlake · 13/01/2020 18:50

Say you went on a work course or a week away somewhere (whether a possibility or not!) he would have to get up, get child up dressed etc.
Leave on time etc. Would be a nice experiment!

CadburyFlake · 13/01/2020 18:51

More importantly would you trust him to do it by himself ?

SophieSong · 13/01/2020 19:04

What time does he go to bed each evening?

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