Fed up of DH

[Biancadelrioisback]

Just that really!
Every morning he "can't" get up.
I get up at 5:30, shower, dry my hair, do my makeup, make us coffee, wake up DS, get him breakfast, pack his bag for nursery, make his packed lunch, make packed lunches for DH and I, brush DSs teeth and wash his face, get him dressed, get me dressed etc. We need to leave the house at 7:30 and despite several attempts to wake DH up, he rolls out of bed at 7:15, into the shower, clothes on and is ready to go.
This morning I lost it with him. I've spoke about this with him as many times but he always says "I don't need to get up any earlier, I'm always ready on time" or "fine, from now on I'll sort out DS, you just do you" but he never does.
On the odd occasion we are late getting out the house, he is the one in a bad mood! He can't be late for work whereas my work are quite happy with me getting in any time before 10. I'm sick of being tired in the mornings. I'm sick of asking for help and nothing changing.
It's worth noting that DH does have depression and has always needed more sleep than me to function. It was a running joke with his mates that he needed 10 hours sleep a night and will nap given half a chance. He didn't get a nap or a lie in this weekend (I did for once) because of other commitments he made. He said that it isnt fair because I don't understand how tired he is and I'm "having a go".

He is a great guy in other aspects and I love him dearly. He is a great dad and a great partner is every other way....but I can't cope with the stress each morning! I end up sprinting around that by the time I get into work, I'm frazzled. I have to deal with a screaming DS, constantly pop into our room to give him a time update, I turn the lights on and open the curtains but I feel like I'm a mum of a slobby teenager sometimes.
What do I do?!

Sorry, you already have to walk 60 minutes a day.

Unfortunately not. The train is quite expensive and the opposite direction from the nursery.
On the odd occasion I travel without DH I get the bus, but it's £6.50 and we already pay £10 a day in petrol. Commuting together is the most cost effective way of commuting and as I say, we are on a shoe string budget as it is

£10 a day in petrol do you drive a tank?!

In all seriousness your DH has absolutely no reason to upset the status quo because he’s the one with all the gains here while you scurry round exhausting yourself. Time to stop. If he has depression, he needs to do something about it. Medication, exercise, better routines. It is not up to you to manage his depression. The fact that he won’t even consider dropping you to work first tells me that he’s actually mostly just a selfish man child, the depression is a red herring.

Anuvva he does sometimes, during half term and if the traffic is okay on a Friday, but then that means I'm at the office nearly 45 minutes early as he still needs to be at his by 8:30 and the traffic through the city centre is an absolute nightmare! Basically he works in the next city over (which is separated from the city I work in by a river) and it's a half hour walk from his car park to my office door. It sounds way more dramatic than it is to say he works in a different city, but our city centre are either side of a river. I offered the walk as it was just adding to the day if we have to fight through my city's traffic.

The secret to an easier morning is a good evening routine.

DH should prepare the packed lunches at the same time as he’s cooking the tea. He can put the lunchboxes and drinks in the fridge ready to lift the next morning. And pack the school bag.

Stop reminding DH of the time. For a week, get yourself and DS washed and dressed, and do nothing else. Don’t nag, don’t shout, just breathe. DS shouldn’t be screaming. Focus your attention on him, and give him a nicer start to his day.

And is DH on meds? He needs to go to gp in case they can change prescription, as depression can present differently through life.

Also, I get loads out of our relationship. He is my rock, has been there for me through thick and thin and other than this issue, he is (to me) perfect. I just can't get him to get out of bed!

He is a great guy in other aspects and I love him dearly. He is a great dad and a great partner
No he isn't. He's letting you do all the work in the mornings. A good partner and dad would not be lying in bed every day while you run around getting your child ready and making him his lunch!
Mornings are stressful when you have a little person to get ready. He needs to pull his weight.

Also, stop getting him up and stop making his lunch! He's not your child and needs to take responsibility for himself and HIS child.

MrsTidy he is on meds and having CBT but tbh, I haven't noticed a difference.

That does sound ideal tbh. Truth be told, DH attempted suicide a couple of years back so I probably do enable him too much. I'm just trying so hard to make his life easy and enjoyable that I'm making mine more stressful and difficult.

@MrsTidyHouse has good advice.
He does lunches while cooking and gets clothes out and bags repacked while you do bath and bed.
Also GP review as his meds are not working well.

Can you both do more the night before? Pack nursery bags, shower, packed lunches , lay out clothes etc?

Then I'd pick a day at first, say friday as if he is more tired it is only one day til he can catch up on sleep. Say he is doing Friday, then get up an hour later yourself, get your son and his clothes and his toothbrush and plonk him and everything on your husbands bed. It's hard to lie in with a toddler sticking stuff up your nose and sitting on your head. And disappear for a really long shower.

In the long term can you change jobs so they are closer to you, or you both work in the same city? Or move house? Or work from home some days? You spend 3 hours a day travelling to and from work, that's a lot of time

I know I'm enabling him, I just don't know how to stop!

You have to just stops it will get worse before it gets better but unless you want this to be your life, you have to stop.

When you say he “won’t” do anything to get ready for the next day the night before, have you asked him why it’s exclusively your job to get your child ready?

I shower and wash my hair at night as it takes forever to do it in the morning with my toddler. Having said that, I'd resent having to change my routine because my partner is selfish and doesn't contribute to the running of the household. I would probably leave my partner if he behaved like this.

But if that's not an option for you: have you had a heart to heart with him, explaining to him how utterly shit this behaviour is? I'd have one last one in the evening. If he then promises to help, then the next morning at 6 stand over him and force him to get out of bed. Literally do not leave until he is up. If it requires a full on screaming match, I'd do it every single day until the message sinks in that he is contributing to the running of this house and it is not optional.

Missed your update. I can understand why you’re cutting him so much slack, but his life needs to be realistic. Having very specific jobs to get up for can actually help. I’m not sure you’re really helping him here.

If he’s managing to go to work, why can’t he manage to spend five minutes making sandwiches and packing a bag for your child the night before?

I just can't get him to get out of bed!

It’s more than that though. He refuses to do anything the night before. You’ve told him how hard it is for you but he just says no.

Get him to do some of it the night before. Also if he's not a morning person he will genuinely be struggling to get up and add depression to that he simply won't physically be able to get out of bed. End of

Ok I see you can't go without him to work so leaving him with the dc and sorting them and him out is off the cards.

So, would it make you feel any better if he sorted the evening routine out? So you go to they gym, have any hobbies, anything that you'd like to do but don't have the time?

Might make you feel less resentful if he carries the weight of an evening. So you do all the morning stuff and he does:

Cooks tea
Washes up
Makes sure the kids are bathed, teeth cleaned, read to, homework and bedtime routine
Could he do all the sand which making on an evening?

If he forgets or won't do this then I'd say he's not just a shut morning person, he's a lazy twat

You've had all your answers OP and you just don't want to take the advice you have been given.

You need to make it uncomfortable for him. You need to make him face the direct consequences of his actions. You've tried talking I assume and where has this got you? Other than complaining on mumsnet?!

Get up tomorrow, sort you and DS out and then take the car yourself and leave him to sort his own shit out like the adult he is!!

The mornings are sounding very difficult and without your DH losing his job I can’t really see a way forward. I think you should negotiate in a different way though. If you are putting 2 hours of work in the morning then it’s only fair that your husband picks up his home work in the evenings. For example you are responsible to get your son dressed, fed, lunches packed in the morning etc. then your husband is responsible for Homework, bed and bath routine iN the evening

I would definitely make sure at least half of that is done the night before. Most of the lunch packing etc (sandwiches in fridge and take out in the morning), bags packed etc all the night before. Then DH can help with as much of that as you want him to. He can also make his own packed lunch as he's an adult. If you need to be responsible for getting yourself and DS ready in the mornings then so be it but that's manageable.

I noticed your DH cooks at night anyway; surely he can do packed lunches at the same time if he's in the kitchen? And packing a nursery bag is a quick job before bed.

I agree that depression is serious and it can affect sleep/getting up but I think that a bit of a change of routine so he does things in the evening can give you both a solution without making that a problem.

I think the old ‘he’s a great dad/ my rock’ is a stretch here, his only contribution is to cook of an evening whilst you do everything else; he’s either at work or sleeping!!
He can’t use his depression as an excuse to opt out of family life, he’s be better being active & involved instead of what 10 hrs in bed??

Would you say that he does most of the work in the evening and you do it in the morning? Would you prefer to split the mornings AND the making of dinner every evening?
This would annoy me too, but I think that there's something to be said for looking at the bugger picture. I accept that you take 2 hours to do that in the morning but I do more (more people to sort!) in about an hour. So if he works on dinner for about an hour in the evening, is the division of labour not roughly equal?

It doesn't sound like much of a life for him either tbh- get up, work, come home, cook, sleep. Your schedule is probably about the same, but it does strike me that there is NO time for sitting and chatting and enjoying.

I have real trouble getting up in the morning, sleeping through alarms and kids. I got a lumie but I know there are cheaper ones available. Instead of a noise alarm it gently wakes you up with light, I got it on suggestions from other mumnetters and it's really helped me.

I also agree everything that can be done the night before including clothes / shoes layed out should be, but do it together after dinner before he goes to bed.

Stop being a mum to your husband, you both need to make a new routine together, on paper if need be to help guide you both.

I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings and always have; but I'm an adult, so I do it. It's my responsibility to be up at the right time, not my husband's to get me up.

I need to know the time I have to get up. I work it out the night before, so I can get as much of a lie-in as possible, and still get up when I need to. Given the choice I would snooze my alarm repeatedly, so I have to make sure I have a hard deadline.

At the moment, your husband knows that if he gets up at 7.15, everyone can be out of the door by 7.30, so that's what he does. Try telling him you need him to do X and Y for your son tomorrow (to give you more breathing room), so he needs to be up by 7.

And stop reminding him / opening curtains etc. You're becoming a crutch. He needs to learn to do it himself.

If it gets to 7 and there's no movement, you could go in with DS, announce it's 7 and DS needs X and Y, then leave them to it. Wait by the front-door at 7.30 so it's very clear that he's the one responsible for making himself late, and not you. Be prepared to repeat the next day - it takes a while to break a habit.