I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me anymore

[Sdj88]

I'm looking for some advice as to how to go about this situation

I had my second baby 5 months ago. Me and my husband have always had a good relationship, except every once in a while we do have rows as a lot of people do.

In these rows he's usually not very nice with his words, it will be brought up that I'm currently not bringing as much money in and that I sponge off him (maternity wage lower) I think this is a dig to make me feel like I need him, he will insinuate things about how I look (I'm only 31, and I don't look bad in my opinion, I probably have a bit of extra Chubb but I am working on that post baby)

In the relationship I was in before, I was cheated on and treated badly. I have no reason to believe that this is happening in my marriage now.

We have had a lot of arguments over his porn watching. I'm not a prude and we have a good and regular sex life. Everyone has different views on it but my view is that I honestly class it as a form of digital infidelity, and he know this but had continued to do it, often the minute I leave the house. He says that it's just a quick hit, doesn't mean anything to him etc. But I have expressed my views time and time again, I feel this will always go on in secret regardless.

But last night we had words over the fact that I feel he is a very different person when he is out with his work friends. They have to travel a good 2 hours to work each day. I feel like he just dismisses me, I know they go to the pub a lot and I KNOW he hides this from me as I saw a receipt in his work bag (I wasn't hunting for this simply getting something from his bag that he asked for) I don't think for a minute he is doing something with someone behind my back. It's simply the pub with his friend but I HATE dishonesty. In The past he has blamed bad traffic for being late home, I knew he had gone out but he denied it for a week until I met up with his work friends wife, and she confirmed they had been.

I am not a nag and I'm not a moaning wife, all I ask for is honesty and it frustrates me when he tries to deceive me. This is why we had words but of course other things got brought into it. He always assumes that I think he's cheating, I don't, but the emphasis is always on him doing it. I feel a little like a second class citizen, as if it's always just him who could cheat. Like I don't matter, there's no jealously or worry on his part because maybe no one else would want me kind of issue.
Last night he actually said the words (albeit in anger, "you'll be alone with 2 kids, a dead end job , no life and no money". He has since apologised and said it was in anger but it's hurt me so badly.

Another issue that got brought into it was the porn. He said if he walked in the house and found me watching it he would jump on the bed and watch it with me, "like his work friends wife does". I am SO angry at this. As I have said, our sex life is regular and I don't feel he is missing out on anything, but this has made me feel like he feels he is, or there's something I'm not giving him and he would prefer me to be that person. Prob just isn't for me. My sex life is between me and my husband, and to lie there watching porn with him to get turned on watching others have sex then us doing it to it, just Is not for me.

I feel like our relationship has gained a thousand problems over time. I'm at the point now where I'm going to start improving my body as much as possible , and I'm not going to lie, it's because I want him to worry. I want him to feel jealous If I go out. He does see other men looking at me when we are out and he hates it. So I feel he needs to feel that more, in a way to sort of appreciate me more. And I know this makes me sound pathetic, but so I can start feeling a little more confident and wear the sexy underwear etc in the bedroom.

I know i haven't got a specific problem as such, but I feel u just need to hear if anyone can see anything I'm not seeing or give me any words of advice as to what to do, how to act etc

I am so so sorry but he sounds absolutely horrible. He sounds cruel and dishonest and unpleasant.
I would find it very very hard to forgive a y if that.

@Bigearringsbigsmile on a normal day he's lovely. I just feel more and more that's he's very deceitful over stupid things

Op he isn’t lovely at all from your description at all

How is money managed for all this pub spending

@Quartz2208

We have no money issues I think this is brought up as purely a dig to make me feel inferior

I think he goes to the pub about twice a week, I can always tell by the time he gets home but I feel in expected to put up and shut up, which I won't

The porn issue, you have a point there. But I don't know how to handle it (although obviously he should be handling it a lot less ha). I think you're being unreasonable with resenting him spending a couple of nights with his mates at the pub though. Can't you just accept this? Why do you resent it so much?

@Scott72
I don't resent it, it's because he doesn't tell me, then lies when I question him about it

Tell him you don't mind him spending the time at the pub. He must have gotten the strong impression you dislike it and you'll get upset about it, otherwise why try and hide it?

It’s not a “good relationship”.

Your body isn’t the problem.

He is an arsehole and he's scared you are too good for him and will leave him. He's trying to keep you small and reliant on him so you don't realise you could do better.

I think you have a whole world of problems op.

He's not lovely at all, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He's shown you he's verbally vicious, deceitful liar with a disgusting porn habit, that's so important to him he will continue at your expense.

You would be much better off a single mother with two kids and little money then putting up living with this prick..

@Scott72
I've told him multiple times. The only thing I wouldn't like is If he came home drunk all the time,

@Sadiesnakes I have often thought this lately

@Dozer
What do you think is?

@StormBaby he has previously mentioned a few times that I think in better than him. I do t think this, I've never said it and I wouldn't say it. He says I'm insecure but I think it's him.

The porn is a massive issue for me. We both have completely different views

But listen to Scott, if you just stopped nagging him and let him do as he pleases he wouldn't need to lie to you, what are you thinking op? Expecting your husband to be honest and truthful and to act like a fully mature husband and father?
When he just needs some space with his mates.

@scott why the fuck are you still here? Have you learnt absolutely nothing in the time you've spent here?
What is it you are actually getting from mn?

@Sadiesnakes
I might be missing something here

But I do hate the view that some men are ok to do what they want, say what they want, be out any time of the week cone gone how and when you went, and the women will pick up the slack.

Once a week I feel is fine, but why lie to me about this

I'm having a similar issue with my 'D' H and porn/lies OP. Don't let anyone tell you you're making a fuss about nothing, this shit destroys marriages. Does he accept he's got a problem with porn if he's using it despite knowing it hurts you?

Personally, I couldn't get worked up about the porn. But you've made it clear that you don't like it, so fine.

But the thing is, unless you confiscate his electronics and supervise him, there's nothing you can really do to stop it. It only takes two mins, Hell do whenever.

@JazzyJelly
He says it means nothing, everyone does it, and it's just a quick hit. He knows how I feel about it but doesn't seem to care

Op, he’s got to work on the nasty things he’s saying to you when he’s angry- that is unfair and not nice of him.

As for the lies over the pub trips - could this be because he feels he has to lie? Not saying he is right to lie or that is an excuse, he is in the wrong here but I wonder why he lies and if there’s something that you can do so he can see there is no need for it. Ultimately he needs to grow up and be honest

However in the porn issue, you sound controlling. That is his choice and fair enough you have your opinions which you’ve explained to him but going on about it- which seems like you have from your posts- is just going to end in a situation where he feels controlled and has to lie to you. It’s not right that you dictate what he watches or vice versa. You need to drop this

As for him saying you’ll be left on your own with kids and no money. Just tell him you’ll take every penny he has, max CMS so no woman would want to be with him and stop child visits if he wants to be nasty and play that game. Ideally it wouldn’t get to that but you have options too...

He is ... scared you are too good for him and will leave him. He's trying to keep you small and reliant on him so you don't realise you could do better.

I was going to say exactly this.

OP, I know it's hard, but please don't make his behaviour affect how you see yourself. You are still the wonderful, awesome, unique you that you've always been (and he chose to marry).

People who insult their partner's appearance during arguments are scum. My first husband did that to me. It wasn't a sign that I was unattractive, it was a sign that he was a twat.

@OrangeHue he has no reason to lie, I'm not a "nag" I just want honesty and he doesn't tell me.

I won't drop the porn issue, if he wants to do it he can but I won't stick around.

I also won't deny him access to his children or threaten him over access regardless of any situation unless he hurt them which he hasn't and never would.

@AnuvvaMuvva
Thankyou. I feel I need to do this for me and to gain some confidence back that he has knocked from me. He has said the worst things about me physically