I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me anymore

[Sdj88]

I'm looking for some advice as to how to go about this situation

I had my second baby 5 months ago. Me and my husband have always had a good relationship, except every once in a while we do have rows as a lot of people do.

In these rows he's usually not very nice with his words, it will be brought up that I'm currently not bringing as much money in and that I sponge off him (maternity wage lower) I think this is a dig to make me feel like I need him, he will insinuate things about how I look (I'm only 31, and I don't look bad in my opinion, I probably have a bit of extra Chubb but I am working on that post baby)

In the relationship I was in before, I was cheated on and treated badly. I have no reason to believe that this is happening in my marriage now.

We have had a lot of arguments over his porn watching. I'm not a prude and we have a good and regular sex life. Everyone has different views on it but my view is that I honestly class it as a form of digital infidelity, and he know this but had continued to do it, often the minute I leave the house. He says that it's just a quick hit, doesn't mean anything to him etc. But I have expressed my views time and time again, I feel this will always go on in secret regardless.

But last night we had words over the fact that I feel he is a very different person when he is out with his work friends. They have to travel a good 2 hours to work each day. I feel like he just dismisses me, I know they go to the pub a lot and I KNOW he hides this from me as I saw a receipt in his work bag (I wasn't hunting for this simply getting something from his bag that he asked for) I don't think for a minute he is doing something with someone behind my back. It's simply the pub with his friend but I HATE dishonesty. In The past he has blamed bad traffic for being late home, I knew he had gone out but he denied it for a week until I met up with his work friends wife, and she confirmed they had been.

I am not a nag and I'm not a moaning wife, all I ask for is honesty and it frustrates me when he tries to deceive me. This is why we had words but of course other things got brought into it. He always assumes that I think he's cheating, I don't, but the emphasis is always on him doing it. I feel a little like a second class citizen, as if it's always just him who could cheat. Like I don't matter, there's no jealously or worry on his part because maybe no one else would want me kind of issue.
Last night he actually said the words (albeit in anger, "you'll be alone with 2 kids, a dead end job , no life and no money". He has since apologised and said it was in anger but it's hurt me so badly.

Another issue that got brought into it was the porn. He said if he walked in the house and found me watching it he would jump on the bed and watch it with me, "like his work friends wife does". I am SO angry at this. As I have said, our sex life is regular and I don't feel he is missing out on anything, but this has made me feel like he feels he is, or there's something I'm not giving him and he would prefer me to be that person. Prob just isn't for me. My sex life is between me and my husband, and to lie there watching porn with him to get turned on watching others have sex then us doing it to it, just Is not for me.

I feel like our relationship has gained a thousand problems over time. I'm at the point now where I'm going to start improving my body as much as possible , and I'm not going to lie, it's because I want him to worry. I want him to feel jealous If I go out. He does see other men looking at me when we are out and he hates it. So I feel he needs to feel that more, in a way to sort of appreciate me more. And I know this makes me sound pathetic, but so I can start feeling a little more confident and wear the sexy underwear etc in the bedroom.

I know i haven't got a specific problem as such, but I feel u just need to hear if anyone can see anything I'm not seeing or give me any words of advice as to what to do, how to act etc

There’s not much really more you can do. Other than start SHOWING him that you deem his actions unacceptable in regard to the blatant lie and then making you out to be the “psycho”. Rather than just setting your feelings to one side for sake of avoiding another argument. You are not a door mat!

If you had no or little sex life then I would be worried but as you've said that it's healthy then I wouldn't be. Maybe he just has a higher sex drive than you which is totally normal. I would rather have that than him looking for it elsewhere.

Something must have happened in the past for him to feel like lying regarding going to the pub. Try and be empathic with him and ask what has happened. Don't question it just tell him you know he goes Monday's and Fridays and that's fine just get him to let you know what time he'll be home so that you don't worry.

Does he have money worries that you don't know about hence why he brings up the things in arguments?

To be fair I've completely had enough, I feel so low at the minute. All day I've been thinking about things that have been said over the weekend and I'm at the point I don't know who I am anymore. My confidence is on the floor. I'm a happy person usually, I'm not there lately. I'm scared to go it alone without him but I feel there's no choice

Op why don’t you read my post again and tell me where I called you a ‘nag’?

Jus my reading through your responses to some of the people here and I’ve got to say, you sound defensive and rude- For example my post which I was very careful not to accuse you (bcos I genuinely believe you have done nothing wrong) and others who did not blame you but were merely suggesting or asking about particular points in your relationship.

This makes me wonder how are you in your relationship- defensive, a little nasty at times too?

There was one post which stood out to me, a poster listed all the bad things about your partner that you mentioned in your op and your response was something along the lines of yeah thank you.

Why not leave him them? You clearly dislike him and this relationship is clearly not going to last.

You’ve posted on here and asked for opinions. You’re getting them no need to get defensive (and a little nasty)

I won’t be returning as you seem confused and a lost cause - so no need to reply to my post.

Good luck.

@OrangeHue
The thankyou was what the person said at the end.
The "nag" was because I was trying to explain to you that that's not how I am. Not once did I say you had called me that

And your words used towards me are disgusting
Very libellous

Signing out of this

I'm new here and some people are rude

@OrangeHue
I have just read your original post and my reply, I was simply answering your questions.
To call someone "nasty" is very unfair

She asked if you might be at home as you appear to be defensive here?

For what it’s worth I hope you LTB

No one deserves their confidence being destroyed like this especially after a baby when you are most reliant financially in him

Take some time out

Spend a week with family or friends and be looked after

@NemophilistRebel

I'm just not who I was, I'm struggling at the minute and I don't think this was the best place to come

Thankyou all x

@Sdj88 sometimes Mumsnet is the giver of hard truths

People read into tiny snippets of information you give and it might reveal more than you actually knew yourself

I first posted on MN when I had problems in my married with someone who was similar sounding to your (D)H

It was hard to hear and I didn’t take much of it on board

But back I came time and again when things would get worse and eventually I did just flip and click that switch that I needed to make me strong enough to up and leave

I left when I was already rock bottom
Had lost my job and felt trapped by this man who would tell me I was getting fat and becoming miserable and wasn’t any fun anymore

That’s how it started, it got a lot worse

I hated those first threads on MN but I am so pleased for them too

I don’t regret not leaving sooner as I wasn’t ready but when I was ready MN had my back

Sometimes I look back on my posting history and it makes me cringe reading the things I was putting up with

I became myself again within a few weeks of leaving

Like I’d lost a millstone round my knock (and 16 stone or man weight)

Now I’m far better off.

I earn good money, have a lovely house with a lovely husband and those memories are in the distant past

No one deserves being made to feel the way you do

It took me around 2 years from when I first started posting to leaving.
For some they hopefully would be ready sooner for some it may take longer

Look after yourself, you will amaze yourself just how strong you are

It’s men like these that pick on strong women

Sometimes it’s a bit “ tough love” around here. It typically gets a bit fiesty around porn use because some posters find it very offensive and some are genuinely not concerned about it and / or use it themselves. Your partner wishes you were the kind of woman that would watch it with him and he has as much chance of getting you to be that woman as you have of getting him to stop watching it. So assume from now on that he will always do it because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it and likes it. The lying and derogatory comments are completely shit however. I had a boyfriend years ago who was a martial arts instructor - obviously he was super fit. We started dating ( I was initially his student) and he would make derogatory comments “ Youd be ok if you lost weight” etc. It took me a long time to see that he had the inferiority complex - I had a good job, degree educated etc. I fucking adored him and never judged him but he was only happy when he was controlling me and keeping me in a state of anxiety and upset. ( he once got up in the middle of sex, got dressed and left without saying a word to prove to me that he didn’t need me). I am a long, long way from that relationship now, thank god. You can’t change him you can only change your response to him and take charge of your own prospects.

He will continue watching porn 100%. Because he likes it, and doesn't see anything wrong with it, so he won't stop. And why should he? Because YOU don't like it? And why does your opinion trump his? I watch porn, and if some man told me to stop 'because he doesn't like it', he could fuck right out of the door. I don't let anyone dictate me what I'm supposed to do (or watch), or control me. And neither should your husband.

As you said yourself: I feel that no one has to accept porn into their relationship, especially when it's fine sneaky or as an aid to their sex life. No one has to accept ANYTHING if they don't like or agree to it

So leave then.

And to be perfectly honest, from your posts you do sound naggy.

@shadowonthesun

Hush now.

@ShadowOnTheSun
And from your comments on other posts......

OP - I reread your first post and wondered for a moment if how you feel might possibly be related to the fact you had another baby recently.
For me - having a second baby hit me quite hard and I even ended up with PND. It felt more isolating then having the first.
You mentioned that problems in your relationship seem to have come all of a sudden.
Was it all after the second child?
Can it be that the adjustment is hard on both of you? And maybe the way you are feeling is not only because of porn/pub?

Is it possible that you are down, exhausted and/or a bit depressed and you focus/pick arguments over things that most likely were always there but didn’t bother you?

Before you decide to break up your young family over this - at least make sure that you are definitely done with the relationship.
It takes 12 months after the birth for the hormones to get back to normal balance - and you are still far away from that.

Your husband knows your worth, he is just hoping you don't, that's why he is the way he is with you, to keep you feeling the way you do

Also think the posters saying 'ooh it's fine, everybody uses porn, ignore your boundaries' are being very unhelpful

Agreed.

My boundaries have changed over time. I used to think I was OK with porn, but on reflection I think I was just trying to be a 'cool' girlfriend, rather than genuinely being fine with it. I was young and naive then.

I will not allow porn into any relationship now. I know more about the industry now and couldn't contribute to that in any way, never mind enjoy it.

OP has her boundaries too. Leave this 'D'H, you can do better.