I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me anymore

[Sdj88]

I'm looking for some advice as to how to go about this situation

I had my second baby 5 months ago. Me and my husband have always had a good relationship, except every once in a while we do have rows as a lot of people do.

In these rows he's usually not very nice with his words, it will be brought up that I'm currently not bringing as much money in and that I sponge off him (maternity wage lower) I think this is a dig to make me feel like I need him, he will insinuate things about how I look (I'm only 31, and I don't look bad in my opinion, I probably have a bit of extra Chubb but I am working on that post baby)

In the relationship I was in before, I was cheated on and treated badly. I have no reason to believe that this is happening in my marriage now.

We have had a lot of arguments over his porn watching. I'm not a prude and we have a good and regular sex life. Everyone has different views on it but my view is that I honestly class it as a form of digital infidelity, and he know this but had continued to do it, often the minute I leave the house. He says that it's just a quick hit, doesn't mean anything to him etc. But I have expressed my views time and time again, I feel this will always go on in secret regardless.

But last night we had words over the fact that I feel he is a very different person when he is out with his work friends. They have to travel a good 2 hours to work each day. I feel like he just dismisses me, I know they go to the pub a lot and I KNOW he hides this from me as I saw a receipt in his work bag (I wasn't hunting for this simply getting something from his bag that he asked for) I don't think for a minute he is doing something with someone behind my back. It's simply the pub with his friend but I HATE dishonesty. In The past he has blamed bad traffic for being late home, I knew he had gone out but he denied it for a week until I met up with his work friends wife, and she confirmed they had been.

I am not a nag and I'm not a moaning wife, all I ask for is honesty and it frustrates me when he tries to deceive me. This is why we had words but of course other things got brought into it. He always assumes that I think he's cheating, I don't, but the emphasis is always on him doing it. I feel a little like a second class citizen, as if it's always just him who could cheat. Like I don't matter, there's no jealously or worry on his part because maybe no one else would want me kind of issue.
Last night he actually said the words (albeit in anger, "you'll be alone with 2 kids, a dead end job , no life and no money". He has since apologised and said it was in anger but it's hurt me so badly.

Another issue that got brought into it was the porn. He said if he walked in the house and found me watching it he would jump on the bed and watch it with me, "like his work friends wife does". I am SO angry at this. As I have said, our sex life is regular and I don't feel he is missing out on anything, but this has made me feel like he feels he is, or there's something I'm not giving him and he would prefer me to be that person. Prob just isn't for me. My sex life is between me and my husband, and to lie there watching porn with him to get turned on watching others have sex then us doing it to it, just Is not for me.

I feel like our relationship has gained a thousand problems over time. I'm at the point now where I'm going to start improving my body as much as possible , and I'm not going to lie, it's because I want him to worry. I want him to feel jealous If I go out. He does see other men looking at me when we are out and he hates it. So I feel he needs to feel that more, in a way to sort of appreciate me more. And I know this makes me sound pathetic, but so I can start feeling a little more confident and wear the sexy underwear etc in the bedroom.

I know i haven't got a specific problem as such, but I feel u just need to hear if anyone can see anything I'm not seeing or give me any words of advice as to what to do, how to act etc

@hellsbellsmelons
Thankyou. Honestly don't know where to start

I'm sorry OP. Porn can be really harmful, could you ask him to look at the 'fighting the new drug' or truth about porn websites? Or talk about the moral issues around women being coerced and trafficked?

Also think the posters saying 'ooh it's fine, everybody uses porn, ignore your boundaries' are being very unhelpful.

Porn killed our marriage years ago, he 'needed' increasingly more graphic versions to get the desired outcome.
I clearly did not and never will look like the porn material, as he's told me, so nothing I can do other than live my own life.

Singling out the porn watching and nothing else, he should listen to your concerns, validate them, and talk through it with you. Him just shrugging off something you're clearly uncomfortable with is nothing short of rude, dismissive and cruel.

If this was a decent relationship, and he was a decent human being who loved and respected you, he would sit down with you and talk through why you don't like porn, and try and come to a reasonable compromise.

@JazzyJelly I honestly think he wouldn't even read it

@Strawberrycreamsundae wow, he hasn't actually said that part to me, but how awful that is

@StormcloakNord I even tried to do this last night. He dismisses everything I say and resorts to the it's harmless, quick hit and I'm done attitude

Also think the posters saying 'ooh it's fine, everybody uses porn, ignore your boundaries' are being very unhelpful.

Thing is, nobody is right or wrong on something like this. Yes, there are horror stories and whatever, but it's very common at the same time. It's subjective.

My point is at least, it's impossible to compromise on something like this. If op views porn like cheating this is irreconcilable. It's impossible to stop your partner watching it and if it's that bad and he's not willing to change... where do you go from here?

@Sdj88 heartfelt advice:

STOP trying to reach him
STOP trying to 'get him to' empathise or care how you feel
STOP trying 'to get him to' meet you half way
STOP trying to change him.

Just stop. You have all the information you need that:

he knows what you think
he doesn't care what you thing
your attempts at communicating your distress sparks off a power struggle
HE HAS TO WIN and will change the rules, lie and be really mean in order to win (you shutting up and backing down).

These are the facts. Google 'Radical acceptance'. As people have said to you, very sadly you have married an immature, disconnected person who does not like women that much and sees you as a mother figure, someone who must be defied and resisted. This is the sort of character that cheats, sorry to say.

That is what you have got, girl. So my suggestion to you, as back away and focus on yourself.

If you stop asking questions, he will stop telling you lies (12 steps)
Start saving money.
Carry on working on yourself.
Focus on getting a better job.

One day, when you are not battling, say to him very calmly 'I don't think you are treating me well, and I don't think you care enough about me to change what you are doing so I can feel happier'.

THEN LEAVE THE ROOM. That is his non nagging, non controlling warning.

Keep working on yourself OP, your family ties, your friends, your savings, your sports and your hobbies. Work towards getting a better job. Take the focus off him, and on to you and your development.
You will eventually get to the place (if he doesn't decide to grow up anytime soon/you find him cheating)

where you know what you need to do, and you will be strong and independent enough to do it.

Open a bank account he doesn't know about and start saving. Be really frugal with shopping and do cash back for a little over your usual shop so it just appears as 'Tesco' or whatever in the bank account.

It would be wonderful to hear that this immature bell end one day walks into an empty house with a divorce petition hitting his email box the next day.

@Sdj88 I do hope you manage to find a way out of this relationship with him. He doesn't care enough about you, and you deserve a lot more love and respect from someone.

Hmm... how long have you been aware of the porn habit OP? And how did you come to learn of it? I assume that he didn’t just blurt it out considering your stance on the matter?
It seems to me you have a few separate issues here. When he says these horrible things to you during the heat of the moment, and he spouts his apologies what is your reaction to this?
When you have caught him lying about the pub. What is your reaction to this?
Have you discussed your boundaries on the porn usage? For example is there any sort of pornography you WOULD feel comfortable with? Or is it an absolute dead set hard limit for you?

@Sdj88
Wow, So you're saying every man walks to someone else?

I'd never say every, but most men, most of the time.
I'd say using porn is a clear sign that your husband is part of that majority.
Is your main issue that he's not using you to fuel his masturbation?
I'm just curious, because it sounds like your objection isn't solely ethical and I'd like to hear the POV.

@AnArrestableOffence
As I stated in my original post, I feel porn is like a digital infidelity. I have no objection to him wanking

@Ginnyrella

The porn habit... I walked in on him doing it once. The a few weeks later he asked me to get a number from his phone and once I unlocked it, it was on his internet.
The apologies to the words do come, he says he does in anger and nothing is meant in any of it. I argue my point and tell him he destroys me every time with it. We move on and it happens again.
The pub.....there's a pattern: Monday's and Fridays he's always late. He smells of drink when he gets in, I ask him, he denies it. I've found receipts and had this last time confirmed they went by his friends wife who is a friend of mine (not close) he had denied it for three days prior. I don't moan about him going out there is no reason to lie.
I am wondering if he makes out he doesn't, so I don't go out myself.
As for the porn, I honestly do feel like it's a form of cheating and I can't help how I feel

I would entirely suggest that next time that he decides he’s going to use to as a verbal punching bag when you get into an argument then apologies after you take some action. He’s clearly not as apologetic as he seems as he continues to do it. For example. The next time he decides to be ass hat don’t just accept his apology on face value. Actions speak louder than words. In regards to the pub visits, I sincerely hope he isn’t driving home over the limit. That’s where I would have a big problem. But tackle it head on. On a Monday. Before he leaves for work. Just say. I’ll see you at X time after you’ve been to the pub. Call him out before he has the chance to billy bullshit you. And as for the porn habit you real have two choices. One of them is unfortunately accept it and try and move past this although I fully understand some people cannot. Or don’t accept it and tell him to piss off

He says it means nothing, everyone does it, and it's just a quick hit. He knows how I feel about it but doesn't seem to care

But you know he enjoys porn and you don’t care that he does and you want him to stop 🤷🏼‍♀️

You must of known he used porn in the early days. If your that set against it. Why didn’t you dump him then.

@Sparkle567
No I actually didn't, I'm not an obsessive woman who checks his phone. Thanks though

@Ginnyrella no, he doesn't drive home or there would be another massive issue. I've tried doing that, it just causes an argument that I'm a "psycho" and he isn't going anywhere

Do you go out?

@Sdj88 - when did I mention checking his phone ? For someone so against it to the point you class it as ‘cheating’ you never had a conversation either with him about it at the beginning?!! More fool you.

@Sparkle567 no, I didn't. I never used to vet all my potential partner by, so do you watch porn then?

@Sdj88 - it’s hardly vetting the bloke when you went on to marry him and have his baby ffs.
If you felt that strongly about porn, why didn’t you ever raise it at the beginning? That it’s a deal breaker for you?! It’s a perfectly normal conversation to have when your getting serious with someone!
You must be aware that just because you think porn is ‘digital infidelity’ that not everyone does....

I don’t really see how if I do/don’t watch porn comes into this conversation😂

The lying about the pub, he’s totally in the wrong.

@Sparkle567 the question wasn't to you. He knew my feelings perfectly clear about the porn and has chosen to carry on doing what he enjoys, so the ball is clearly in my court to stay or leave then.