I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me anymore

[Sdj88]

I'm looking for some advice as to how to go about this situation

I had my second baby 5 months ago. Me and my husband have always had a good relationship, except every once in a while we do have rows as a lot of people do.

In these rows he's usually not very nice with his words, it will be brought up that I'm currently not bringing as much money in and that I sponge off him (maternity wage lower) I think this is a dig to make me feel like I need him, he will insinuate things about how I look (I'm only 31, and I don't look bad in my opinion, I probably have a bit of extra Chubb but I am working on that post baby)

In the relationship I was in before, I was cheated on and treated badly. I have no reason to believe that this is happening in my marriage now.

We have had a lot of arguments over his porn watching. I'm not a prude and we have a good and regular sex life. Everyone has different views on it but my view is that I honestly class it as a form of digital infidelity, and he know this but had continued to do it, often the minute I leave the house. He says that it's just a quick hit, doesn't mean anything to him etc. But I have expressed my views time and time again, I feel this will always go on in secret regardless.

But last night we had words over the fact that I feel he is a very different person when he is out with his work friends. They have to travel a good 2 hours to work each day. I feel like he just dismisses me, I know they go to the pub a lot and I KNOW he hides this from me as I saw a receipt in his work bag (I wasn't hunting for this simply getting something from his bag that he asked for) I don't think for a minute he is doing something with someone behind my back. It's simply the pub with his friend but I HATE dishonesty. In The past he has blamed bad traffic for being late home, I knew he had gone out but he denied it for a week until I met up with his work friends wife, and she confirmed they had been.

I am not a nag and I'm not a moaning wife, all I ask for is honesty and it frustrates me when he tries to deceive me. This is why we had words but of course other things got brought into it. He always assumes that I think he's cheating, I don't, but the emphasis is always on him doing it. I feel a little like a second class citizen, as if it's always just him who could cheat. Like I don't matter, there's no jealously or worry on his part because maybe no one else would want me kind of issue.
Last night he actually said the words (albeit in anger, "you'll be alone with 2 kids, a dead end job , no life and no money". He has since apologised and said it was in anger but it's hurt me so badly.

Another issue that got brought into it was the porn. He said if he walked in the house and found me watching it he would jump on the bed and watch it with me, "like his work friends wife does". I am SO angry at this. As I have said, our sex life is regular and I don't feel he is missing out on anything, but this has made me feel like he feels he is, or there's something I'm not giving him and he would prefer me to be that person. Prob just isn't for me. My sex life is between me and my husband, and to lie there watching porn with him to get turned on watching others have sex then us doing it to it, just Is not for me.

I feel like our relationship has gained a thousand problems over time. I'm at the point now where I'm going to start improving my body as much as possible , and I'm not going to lie, it's because I want him to worry. I want him to feel jealous If I go out. He does see other men looking at me when we are out and he hates it. So I feel he needs to feel that more, in a way to sort of appreciate me more. And I know this makes me sound pathetic, but so I can start feeling a little more confident and wear the sexy underwear etc in the bedroom.

I know i haven't got a specific problem as such, but I feel u just need to hear if anyone can see anything I'm not seeing or give me any words of advice as to what to do, how to act etc

It’s not right that you dictate what he watches or vice versa. You need to drop this

No, op, you don't.

You have every right not not accept porn as part of your relationship. Everyone has a right to deal breakers and boundary's.

What needs to happen here is you need figure out where your hard limits are and stick to them. If he chooses to continue using against your wishes, then that's his right, but he's the looser that's chosen porn over a wife, a real sex life and overall his family.

Ignore the cool wives and gfs.

So many things sound unhealthy in your post OP - and there seems to be some sort of battle over control in your relationship.
The way you sound and state things does seem to me to be somewhat controlling and I can see why he feels resentful.
It, obviously, doesn’t justify making vile statements when you argue.

On the issue of the occasional pub going - I am sorry, but you are acting as if you are his mother. Not sure why you think you have the right to act this way. A few hours with his friends twice a week is not a problem - provided you also have an opportunity to go out if you wanted to. He ends up hiding it from you to minimise conflict and it’s not great in a relationship and adds to resentment.

On sex life - your statement of ‘he gets all he needs’ is so wrong on so many levels. If a man made this statement about his female partner he’d be crucified. It makes you sound like you think you are somehow above him in the pecking order in your relationship, rather than an equal party.
Porn doesn’t seem to affect your sex life right now. You know he won’t give it up - so brining it up in arguments won’t lead anywhere. If you really can’t live with it - leave.

And finally - it’s childish and petty to want to make your partner jealous to get back at him for the arguments you’ve been having. And to prove to him that you also can be accused of cheating? Life is too short

Also ignore @MMmomDD, with their usual male apologist opinions.

@MMmomDD
A LOT of assumptions towards me in this. What gives you the impression I'm controlling and that he lies to avoid confrontation? He's never had confrontation regarding the pub issue from me?? I've asked him several times to tell me the truth, which he hasn't, ever, unless I've been told my someone else.

No one has to affect porn as part of a relationship, that's ridiculous

And pecking order? How does this make me seem like I'm above him??

And I DONT have the opportunity to go out, he does though of course. The last time u went out he continuously rang me to see when I would be home. So who's the controlling one?

@Sadiesnakes
Thankyou

You said you don't feel he is missing out on anything but does he?

I feel that no one has to accept porn into their relationship, especially when it's fine sneaky or as an aid to their sex life. No one has to accept ANYTHING if they don't like or agree to it

@Tyersal then he can leave! I've also given him the opportunity to tell me by asking him, he says he doesn't but clearly that's not true

Porn is an issue people tend not to agree on. And many have an actual problem with usage affecting their relationship.
Yours isn’t that case, given your post.
However - again - it’s up to you what you do with it. You can decide to divorce over it, it’s your right. However your opinion doesn't have a higher value and brining it up over and over isnt going to help your relationship. communication would.

And it’s just wrong to make statements about your partner’s satisfaction with your sex life in the way you did it. Very controlling.

On the matter of going out - if this is what you are trying to solve - why not make it about fairness. If he gets to go out - you should too. Get a babysitter, or get him to stay in.

I do think you two are haggling over power in the relationship rather than communicating. And it’s not healthy.

@MMmomDD

Isn't bringing it up communication then? I don't get that
And very controlling? He's told me this himself

I think your husband sounds controlling.
Why don't you have a weekly night out even if it's just to join a group and see how that goes.

You're an adult and entitled to have autonomy over yourself.
No adult should tell another adult what to do, how to look etc.
Family decisions are by consensus.

What an exhausting life. Being single so so so much easier than this.

It will erode you completely. This competition you never entered.

@Sdj88 i agree with you. I wouldnt accept it because i dont want that type of man.

It doesmt need to be debated court of law style. It is just not a desirable set up.

Trust how you feel. ACT ON HOW YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL.

All he will do RE the porn is get better at hiding it, if he decides to acquiesce at all.

The fact is, the majority of men (and probably women too) see porn use as innocuous in terms of their relationship.

Coming from that mindset, you mandating that he can't use pornography will just come across as a desire for control over him.

If he's not using porn, he almost certainly isn't going to stop wanking and when he does, he's not going to be thinking of you.

It might aswell be someone he's never met, rather than a colleague.

He doesnt sound like a good person OP.

You're his wife and you've just had his baby who you've given up months of your time to look after and recover. You're only 5 months post partum yet he is saying stuff about how you look. He calls supporting his wife and newborn them 'sponging' off him. He lies to you about going out. He doesnt care what you think about porn.

The going out thing I guess depends on what your reaction would be (eg would you be happy with him saying I'm going out for a few after work on Wednesday?).

The porn thing is difficult because neither of you are necessarily wrong it's just very different viewpoints where there is no real compromise available

I think you're right to concentrate on you for now. Get into a place where you have support and a life outside the home incase things do come to an end

It doesnt sound like you're happy and doesn't sound like he is willing to change. There definitely seems to be a power imbalance here skewed in his favour, why don't you get to go out more?

And he sounds pretty spiteful and controlling.

@AnArrestableOffence
So you're saying he's ok watching porn because if not he'll be wanking about the next door neighbour? 😂

@Sdj88
I'm saying that he's ok watching porn regardless. I can't really be sure what your issue is in regards to porn, but I'm sort of assuming it's the fact that he's fuelling his wanking with someone who isn't you, which is going to be the case regardless of whether you've got an internet history to prove it or not.

When he claims that he's late home from the pub due to traffic, does he have a lift or take a cab home?

I want to say that you should not tolerate all these things because they are making you so unhappy, especially at a time when you have a lovely new baby.

I think that sadly, the future with this man does not bode well. That may sound unhelpful but you may want to start thinking about how you will cope with his treatment of you and unlikelihood of any change/s.

@AnArrestableOffence
Wow, So you're saying every man walks to someone else? 🤦‍♀️

Wanks

I feel I need to do this for me and to gain some confidence back that he has knocked from me.
He has said the worst things about me physically

What could he possibly say to ever justify this?
@Sadiesnakes has his measure.

@WalkingInTheAir13 you're right. It's the whole I love him thing though ☹️

1. I'm currently not bringing as much money in and that I sponge off him
2. he will insinuate things about how I look
3. I feel like he just dismisses me
4. it frustrates me when he tries to deceive me
5. I feel a little like a second class citizen
6. you'll be alone with 2 kids, a dead end job , no life and no money
7. I feel like our relationship has gained a thousand problems over time
8. He does see other men looking at me when we are out and he hates it
9. this is brought up as purely a dig to make me feel inferior
10. He says I'm insecure but I think it's him
11. He knows how I feel about it but doesn't seem to care
12. He has said the worst things about me physically
13. The last time u went out he continuously rang me to see when I would be home

Ooohhh.... well isn't he a gem!!???
NOT!!!
None of this is good OP.
He sounds horrible.
Why are you putting up with this.
If porn is your deal-breaker then you need to think about how you end this.
The control is not good either.
And the abuse.

He's not nice OP.
Really think about your future here!!