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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner kissed someone else

77 replies

HitByABrick · 11/01/2020 19:14

Namechanged for this for obvious reasons.

My partner of 8.5 years is a taxi driver. I'm a taxi operator at the same company. We've both worked there for a number of years.

This morning, one of the ops called my partner, and I assumed she was trying to get him to come out on his day off to cover a job. He told me he needed to talk to me.

At 0530 this morning, someone called the office and told the operator that she'd been having an affair with my partner for the last 2 years. I've since listened to the call recording, and she asked for me by name, obviously hoping I was on duty.

My partner has confessed that about 18 months ago, he kissed her in the car when he was working. He said they'd been FB friends for a few years as he plays football with her partner. Apparently they used to chat on messenger about wrestling as they're both fans.

He took her in the car on this night, and she came on to him. Told him that her bf was being a prick and she wanted a kiss. He refused. She carried on, and he's told me they had a kiss, and a bit of a grope, and that's all. He said he was flattered as she's a bit younger than us, and nobody ever fancies him usually so he was shocked. Because what you usually do when you're shocked is stick your tongue in someone's mouth, obviously.

I feel like my world's caved in. We are one of those couples that make everyone sick because we're so happy. He's my best friend.

I'm scared there's more to come. I've been on MN for years and know The Script. I'm scared he's minimising. I've told him that he needs to tell me absolutely everything that's happened, because if anything further comes out, there'll be no return from it.

I just need advice. My head's battered. I'm not going to throw away a really happy long term relationship for a kiss... But it's not going to be all there is to it, is there? Let's face it, he's only confessed because his hand was forced.

I honestly genuinely believed I knew him well enough to know if he was lying, but he's been lying to my face for the last year and a half, so that's clearly nonsense.

Anyone that's been through this, how did you deal with it?

TIA and sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Lumene · 11/01/2020 19:16

So sorry to hear this. I would want to talk to her.

2020BetterBeBetter · 11/01/2020 19:17

I’d see what her version is.

Morgan12 · 11/01/2020 19:18

You need to speak to the woman. And soon. Before he gets to her.

Original poster
HitByABrick · 11/01/2020 19:19

Weirdly when I woke up this morning, before all this happened, I had 2 friend requests from her, both since deleted. I'd never heard of her, so I just assumed it was someone who'd has a drink and requested the wrong person by accident.

Then this happened.

I've friend requested her and messaged her asking if she has something she wants to discuss with me. It hasn't delivered, but I haven't been blocked because I can still see her profile. At the moment, anyway.

OP posts:
SuperbMonkey · 11/01/2020 19:20

@HitByABrick so sorry to read this. Have a look at ‘Some Friendly Words Part 2 - It’s Over’ thread. I will try to post link. Also look at chumplady.com for extra supportive words. Flowers

McTits · 11/01/2020 19:23

I’d say that it’s extremely unlikely that he’s telling you the full story. I would contact her to get her version.
If it really was just a kiss 18 months ago then why would it still even be on her mind or why would she go to the trouble of making the call? I would be more inclined to believe her!

Original poster
HitByABrick · 11/01/2020 19:23

Thank you. I'm in shock a bit, I think. I don't take any shit from anyone usually, but he's the love of my life. I've spent all day going over and over it, and I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
HitByABrick · 11/01/2020 19:26

@McTits exactly how I feel. Why is she obsessing about him over a kiss 18 months ago? Why didn't he just tell me at the time? She said on the call recording to tell him she loves him, and also said he had told her he loves her.

The one saving grace in all this is that she also said that he wanted him to pick her up, and when the op said he wasn't working, she said 'but he hasn't worked for the last 6 months!' which isn't true, so he's obviously been avoiding her.
Fucks sake. What a kicker.

OP posts:
Nifflernancy · 11/01/2020 19:35

I’m so sorry, sounds like there’s more to it and he’s doing damage control, maybe convinced her not to talk to you after all

HollowTalk · 11/01/2020 19:38

I would assume there had been an affair for two years, I'm afraid. I just can't see why someone would call up and say that if it wasn't true.

anothernamejeeves · 11/01/2020 19:49

We are one of those couples that make everyone sick because we're so happy. He's my best friend.

Always the way in my experience. They need to cover their tracks so why not convince everyone he's an amazing partner

BarbedBloom · 11/01/2020 19:56

I would assume lying too. I would end my relationship over a kiss and a grope to be honest as the trust would be gone, especially in his role. But I can't see anyone going to all this trouble over a kiss

mamato3lads · 11/01/2020 19:57

Ah OP that's heartbreaking, what a fucker to do this to you, especially as you were so happy.

It was an ego boost, not him looking for something that's lacking in you or your relationship. But it's still a betrayal and an absolutely huge one. A kiss and a fondle in the car ? That alone would lead to divorce for me personally but you can bet it was sex too. Talking about love ? Damn right they've been shagging.

Absolute bastard your head must be spinning. Talk to OW if poss get the facts , your DH will he telling you the absolute minimum. It's always just a kiss....and they went no further. My arse.

Beautiful3 · 11/01/2020 20:01

I honestly would talk to her and see what her version is. Perhaps you could try marriage counselling to get through this difficult time.

readitandwept · 11/01/2020 20:06

I'm sorry OP.

Have you asked to see his message history, since you know he chatted to her on Messenger?

user1493413286 · 11/01/2020 20:09

I’m sorry this has happened. I do question why she would call now if that’s all that happened so I’d want to talk to her too.

latheritup · 11/01/2020 20:09

Get her story and go from there

Whynosnowyet · 11/01/2020 20:13

I bet she has recently been dumped - by him - and this is her revenge.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/01/2020 20:22

Shocking though this is OP, 'best friends' don't cheat and lie. Whatever you thought you knew about this person, you may be better placed to consider that that might not be the case.

He didn't have to kiss her or take it further, it is not as though he was kicking her out of the taxi on her attempt that he alleges he 'refused' is it I assume he would have had she been unattractive/elderly etc.

Very, very odd that she is now attempting friend requests and i agree with other posters saying there is more to this. I would try and speak to her before he gets to her as it sounds like they are certainly in contact. Sorry to say in order to be on the safe side I would also consider having a sexual health screening. Nobody is worth risking your health over and every cheating man on here seems to have stopped at a 'quick fumble' that the woman instigated, and it was just the once.

You can get through this OP, think about yourself, your health etc as the priority, not the relationship- he wasn't thinking of it.

Thatnovembernight · 11/01/2020 20:23

I’m glad you mentioned the script - forewarned is forearmed. Try anything you can to get her side of the story.

frankincenseandmur · 11/01/2020 20:23

I’d agree there’s more to this

Lipz · 11/01/2020 20:28

Definitely get her side. It's always a 'kiss'. Even when my sil caught her dh in bed with ow it was just kissing. See what she says and take it from there. Although he could get in first and warn her.

bank100 · 11/01/2020 20:31

Oh no. Brace yourself OP.
Hear what she has to say. Hope she gets back to you quickly. Has DP spoken to her /warned her off already today do you think?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2020 20:32

Do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy here; all this from you about throwing a relationship away is just that.You tell yourself, I've spent so much time with this person investing in this relationship, so how can I just leave?". If the shoe was on the other foot he would not be as forgiving I daresay.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

What you're forgetting here too is that the damage has already been done by him. This is all on him really and what he has done here is no reflection whatsoever on you as a person.

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