Is this normal??

[Ann86132]

Please bear with me... my first time ever posting... I’ve always been a thread lurker in the background; but would really really appreciate some help / advice and or both.
I have been in my current relationship 15+ years and have 3 children.
My relationship has always been up and down, and although I would have always in the past described it is passionate for the last few years to be honest I’ve been pretty miserable.
There has always been dramas whether it was my drinking and going out or gambling issues, but I feel that I have always been a constant, as in I feel that I am the level headed ‘fair’ approachable one out of the two of us. His moods change with the wind and he is often moody and won’t communicate.
He has always verbally abused me, no matter whom is around, if the red mist descends I am for it. This Christmas he didn’t come to lunch at my parents house because he didn’t feel like it. He told me this at 10 in the morning. I put a brave face on and took the kids on my own.

Boxing Day he wasn’t in the mood to talk and kicked the door and went to bed when he couldn’t open up a Terry’s chocolate orange.

Last summer we went on holiday with some friends and he was getting frustrated with the tolls and the journey, when we pulled in to stop at one station he flipped out, threw a wedge of euros at me and drove off (later to return) leaving me and the kids in a Burger King. All I wanted to do was cry but I remained calm, sorted the kids and said to our friends, we had had a row and it would be okay. Truth was, we hadn’t had a Row, he had just flipped out.

But he is a good father, the kids adore him, and although he is more rough and ready with them overall he wants the vest for them.
My question is, I love this man, but think I can no longer do this. Do you think he has a medical disorder like bipolar etc or do you think it is just emotional abuse?

I feel really stupid writing this down, but I am at my wits end. The 3 things I have mentioned are just a few situations in what seems to be years of shit but he doesn’t have a family as such to support him, and I just feel like if I walk away he’ll have no one.

Of course it’s not normal. And he’s not a good dad, he’s a shit one. What a horrendous example he is setting them.

Is he sorry afterwards? Does he acknowledge he has problems?

He does sometimes apologise, not always though. The Christmas episode is obviously still quite new, and he’s not said sorry for that; I said to him is he depressed or whats going on, he says he’s fine and I should look at myself.
Even if I do moan a bit, would you say this is out of order?
Of course the people that I do confide in, know me so they will naturally side with me.
He did have quite a hard childhood from what I can make of it, again he’s never to forthcoming with anything and I wonder if that has anything to do with it

Amazing how many abusive pricks are brilliant dads adored by their kids.

Who's the gambler, you or him?

No, it's not normal for a grown man. Normal for a toddler to have a tantrum if they can't unwrap a chocolate orange though.

There has always been dramas whether it was my drinking and going out or gambling issues,
Can you elaborate?

Me sadly. All came out about 2 years ago, I was buying everyday things on catalogue and credit cards as used to gamble my wages. He opened a credit card statement one day. It was proper shit at the time and I had to face some demons but we got through it. Thought since then if he wanted to get out of the relationship that was a brilliant get out clause (I had racked up about 9k) But thought he must want to be with me to stay. It’s a nightmare.

Wildorchidz - see my message above, sadly I am the gambler.
With regards to drinking and going out, I used to love going out and having a few, but when I have had one or two too many in the past he used to put my things in bin bags and take me to my mums house.

To be entirely honest I do like a drink, but I a happy (and sometimes stupid) drunk. He doesn’t like it when I drink.

In the nicest way possible youbsound sick of each other. You're dealing with it y drinking and gambling and keeping your head down, hes shutting off, getting angry or both. Xmas lunch would have (and was in the last with a partner) a deal breaker for me.

Tell him to piss off and take his abusive attitude with him. Of course it is not normal. You can clearly manage on your own and I promise you will be happier when you no longer have to put up with him and make excuses for him.

Yes MusicTeacherSussex, I agree, we’ve gone toxic. Do you mean as in not coming to Christmas dinner being the final straw? To be honest I feel like Christmas did change something in me; I need to do something and that is probably why I have found myself on here, as want the opinions of others to help me process it all.

He's absolutely not a good father if this is the kind of thing they're witness to.

'Boxing Day he wasn’t in the mood to talk and kicked the door and went to bed when he couldn’t open up a Terry’s chocolate orange.'

It'd be funny if it wasn't so wrong!

'the kids adore him, and although he is more rough and ready with them'

What do you mean by this? It sounds like it probably means he's physically abusive of them.

'Do you think he has a medical disorder like bipolar etc'

I have bipolar and it's nothing like this. Someone with bipolar usually has episodes that last for weeks or months. What you describe- frequent changes in mood over a day/week- is more like Borderline Personality Disorder. But it could be just being a twat, or both. Even someone with Borderline or most mental health problems has a choice over their actions.

'or do you think it is just emotional abuse?'

Even if he is mentally ill, this is still emotional abuse.

Wish it was that easy OrangeLindt ... I often tell him to piss off at the time, and then when things are settled it seems to be all okay again. It’s just exhausting going round in circles, I guess I’m here to get others opinions to help me realise what I know I really need to do 😣😣

You've described yourself as 'pretty miserable' having endured 'years of shit'. He's 'rough and ready' (what does this mean?) with the kids, moody, won't communicate. Says it all really.

Aside from leaving him on his own (which is frankly tough shit), what's stopping you from leaving?

Can you stop drinking?

You both sound unhappy, tbh.

Hopefully, asking what’s normal will give you perspective. Anger, tantrums, sulking, throwing things.....none of this belongs in a happy marriage.

More than anything though, I’d hate for my children to be exposed to someone with a temper.

No, its a dysfunctional relationship. Being depressed or having a bad childhood do not excuse being horrible to the people you are supposed to love. But ‘liking a drink’ and ‘being a happy drunk’ are not an excuse for drinking too much either.

Interestedwoman , hi ... I know right, the most ironic thing about my life is the fact that often I find myself telling these stories that once moved me to absolute tears like a comedy act... I tend to deal with stuff with humour the whole got to laugh or you’ll cry scenario. I mean, come on, a terrys chocolate orange for Christ’s sake!!

Rough and ready as in the way he speaks to them like “mates” and the way he teaches things, often he has loads of patience but once he’s snapped he’s gone - he once threw a bike across the playing field when my son refused to carry on trying to learn to ride. He’s never been physically abusive to them.

A few people have said about him having bipolar, perhaps I should read up a bit more on it to see if it “fits” him, but from what you’ve said about yours (and thank you for that) perhaps I’m giving him too much leeway

Kerning, hi - thing is I do love him, I don’t like him, but I guess I always remain hopeful that he will change - or at least he will start seeing what he’s doing and make changes. And I’ve just realised how totally stupid that looks now I’ve written it down.
Rough and ready with the kids as in sometimes not as patient and treats them like mates. he’s never been physically abusive with them.

Yes Wildorchidz , my drinking is a habit. If it’s not in the house I don’t go out for it. It’s not really an issue when I drink at home, it’s when I go out that it becomes one.

Can you change too ?

People have the wrong idea about bipolar. It's not someone who has regular mood swings in day to day life. I know because I have it and also know the definition of it. Marked changes in mood (from one into a different one) that then stays for several weeks/months. Rapid cycling bipolar is a thing, but people don't get diagnosed with that unless they've already had 'normal' longr bipolar episodes.

Borderline Personality Disorder is when people have extremes of mood that are very changeable. They often also can't control their impulses as well as other people. It's sometimes also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/ people don't have to have all these features to get a diagnosis, only 5 out of 9.

But it also can just be how a wanker behaves.

I know DickDewy, think we are both terribly unhappy. I am anyway.

I think I’m shielding the kids from it, but probably our 12 year old senses it, need to do something for their sakes if not my own

'Rough and ready with the kids as in sometimes not as patient and treats them like mates. he’s never been physically abusive with them.'

Mates don't throw a bike in a fit of temper, well maybe other kids might, but he's not a kid so it's physically intimidating. It'll make them feel frightened etc. It's kind of emotional abuse and definitely an attempt to control.

Hi Purplewithred, yes I agree, totally disfunctional. I know that childhood problems are no excuse, but I feel so sorry for him in that respect - but I guess buck has to stop somewhere.