Is this normal??

[Ann86132]

Please bear with me... my first time ever posting... I’ve always been a thread lurker in the background; but would really really appreciate some help / advice and or both.
I have been in my current relationship 15+ years and have 3 children.
My relationship has always been up and down, and although I would have always in the past described it is passionate for the last few years to be honest I’ve been pretty miserable.
There has always been dramas whether it was my drinking and going out or gambling issues, but I feel that I have always been a constant, as in I feel that I am the level headed ‘fair’ approachable one out of the two of us. His moods change with the wind and he is often moody and won’t communicate.
He has always verbally abused me, no matter whom is around, if the red mist descends I am for it. This Christmas he didn’t come to lunch at my parents house because he didn’t feel like it. He told me this at 10 in the morning. I put a brave face on and took the kids on my own.

Boxing Day he wasn’t in the mood to talk and kicked the door and went to bed when he couldn’t open up a Terry’s chocolate orange.

Last summer we went on holiday with some friends and he was getting frustrated with the tolls and the journey, when we pulled in to stop at one station he flipped out, threw a wedge of euros at me and drove off (later to return) leaving me and the kids in a Burger King. All I wanted to do was cry but I remained calm, sorted the kids and said to our friends, we had had a row and it would be okay. Truth was, we hadn’t had a Row, he had just flipped out.

But he is a good father, the kids adore him, and although he is more rough and ready with them overall he wants the vest for them.
My question is, I love this man, but think I can no longer do this. Do you think he has a medical disorder like bipolar etc or do you think it is just emotional abuse?

I feel really stupid writing this down, but I am at my wits end. The 3 things I have mentioned are just a few situations in what seems to be years of shit but he doesn’t have a family as such to support him, and I just feel like if I walk away he’ll have no one.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation - I think perhaps it was more of a habit thank anything; had a few big wins, and would chase the losses, got myself into that viscous cycle.
It’s funny that you should mention cooking as I’m trying to cook from scratch more lately, so that takes up more time, and I feel better for doing it that day ordering takeaway... I do go through phases of being super organised and then spells of being not.
I feel better when the house is clean and tidy so tend to hoover and dust everyday jusy so I feel better within my own head.
I think I could do with a hobby and have always liked arts and crafts so could look into that ... or failing that I’ll get myself down to Ann summers 🤣
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me x

AttilaTheMeerkat - thanks for your messages, absolutely I take responsibility for my failings/poor choices and I didn’t post for the sympathy vote at all, jusy to get other people’s perspective on it ... which is good as people have lived opinions that are uneasy for me to hear ... but at the end of the day I need to hear them!
I had a good childhood, no issues aside from the usual, wanting designer trainers and not getting them sort of first world problems.
I don’t gamble anymore, but I felt when I did it was out of habit and the fact I had some big wins, and would chase the losses.
My drinking, again, habit, and the fact I feel happier and more relaxed- I am fully aware I need to deal with this as I shouldn’t rely on it, but truthfully I do.
I’ve mentioned the word habit loads now, but perhaps the relationship is a habit too, I do actually love him, but sad to say I don’t like him.

When we first met he was exciting and kept me on my toes, but now it’s just tedious, I suppose im just tired of it all.