Cheat and now feel awful

[Beastm0de]

Ok, I’ve been married for 13 years and never once done anything remotely classified as cheating ever....

But recently at an Xmas party (i know) I got way too drunk and ended up sleeping with a co worker. It was nice... and I enjoyed it, although being drunk as hell. It felt good to have that spontaneous, random, fun again? Like that that don’t give a F, kinda fun. Which I used to be like before the kids/wife. I’ve always been good with woman and had a very accomplished teen/early 20s I thought I got it all out of my system...

Now the other woman is obviously not interested, it was just “fun” for her and I can live with that. She’s gone a bit cold, said she felt awful that she slept with a married man, understandable.

I was comfortably numb in life at that point. I want to still be married, I loved my wife, kids and life, I have everything most people dream about. Big house nice cars devoured family, but since that night I just feel empty... I’ve been going to the gym everyday, it’s the only time I feel sane again where I’m not over thinking things or being inexcusably mean to my awesome family. I’m always pissed of, I drink more then ever, I feel like shit. I have suicidal thoughts and it’s just not getting better....

Genuinely don’t know what to do to make things right again. Or do I even deserve that? Am I a horrible person? Do I tell my wife??

Tell your wife. You’ll get shit from loads of replies on here, which you likely deserve, however unless your wife is stupid she’s probably noticed all these changes and may have worked out your secret for herself rot some degree.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts OP please do contact the Samaritans 116 123

Well for one thing your wife needs to have an STI test and yes, she should bloody know. It's ok for you to have your 'don't give a F kinda fun' but there are indeed consequences.

You should have thought about your comfortable life, wife and kids before shagging someone else.

I suggest you talk to your wife and get some counselling together if you are indeed convinced you want to make things right.

And see your GP too

I’ll bite if it’s real, although it doesn’t feel like it. The ‘it felt great to feel that way’ - ‘now I am suicidal’ - seems to not make sense.

So - no. You don’t tell your W - IF you think it was a one off. And if you think you want to stay and be the best H you can be.
Telling her would only hurt her.
You go and get counselling, and deal with your guilt on your own. Carry it around, remember it, etc.

OR
You do some soul searching and see if being unattached and having unrestricted fun again is what you want.
Then you tell your W you want to separate.

Don’t just unburden it on her without having a clarity of what you actually want to do.

Yes, you are a horrible person.
Cheating is never OK.
Now the guilt has hit and you don't know what to do.
Tell your DW.
She deserves to know.
If she wants to work on things then you can do that.
You need some counselling though.
Then you need some joint counselling.
But be prepared for her to kick your arse to the curb.
Cheating is a deal-breaker for many.
Others do work through it.
But she deserves to know everything.
Don't minimise this to her.
Tell her everything. Then take it from there.
Right now your poor DW does not know what is going on.
She's wondering what SHE has done to upset you.
What SHE has done to make you go out every day and leave her home with the kids.
Tell her. Because I can guarantee, right now she is going out of her mind wondering WTF is going on with you!

You obviously don’t love your wife since you risked your marriage over an orgasm with another woman. Tell your wife, she needs to know so she can make her own decisions about the situation. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Do I tell my wife?

Yes, give her the chance to decide whether she wants to be with you.

Stop making excuses and own your behaviour.

Everyone makes mistakes, at least you recognise you have done something wrong. The key is you need help, as others have suggested start with your GP straight away, ask for an urgent appointment. Samaritans are there if you need to talk in the meantime.
You have so much to live for, get help and things will become clearer. Then you can start looking at speaking to your wife. Maybe couples counselling would help. You need to be kind to your wife and family but start with being kind to yourself.

See your GP about your suicidal thoughts and tell your wife you could not keep your dick in your pants yes

I think that you need to respect your wife enough to not manipulate her anymore.

By not telling her you are lying by omission, therefore you are not giving her the right to make her choices based on the reality of the situation.

Which is disrespectful and manipulative.

Please see your GP about your suicidal thoughts.

Also tell your wife, it’s her decision as to whether she stays with you and she needs an STI test.

And do not do her a disservice by minimising what you have done.

You’re a shit bag for cheating on your wife. Some people are never happy with all they have it’s pathetic behaviour & there’s no excuse.

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but shit happens when people drink.
You love your wife and family and you realise you've made a mistake. It's a New Year so start now.
Do not tell your wife.
Stop drinking at work events
Explore the possibility of a new job
Get checked for STDs. That would be unforgivable to pass this to your wife.
Make it up to your wife without putting her through the pain of her knowing what you did. You know the jobs she wants doing...do them. Book a holiday. Take her out. Tell her it's your resolution to make more family time.
Finally forgive yourself,you're not a bad person you were just a bit of an idiot that night.

You love your wife and family and you realise you've made a mistake. It's a New Year so start now

So why doesn't the wife get the choice to start a new year afresh?

"shit happens" is such a lame excuse for men who can't control their dicks.

Marylou2 he needs to be honest witb his wife, not dishonest

You're just sorry that the OW didn't want to do it again.

I'll save my sympathy for your wife and children.

Yes, you do tell your wife so that she can choose wether or not she wishes to remain married to you. You have potentially exposed her to STI's.

Ok there is a lot going on here.

It sounds as if you measure your success with women by the number that you've slept with rather than the depth of the relationship you have with them '(I’ve always been good with woman and had a very accomplished teen/early 20s'). You almost sound disappointed that the one night stand didnt want to carry on into an affair.

You say you love your wife and kids but your actions don't really show that at the moment - your avoidance of them, even your kids, as you can't stop snapping at them would suggest that you resent them for ruining your fun or something.

Do you think you're having some kind of mid life crisis? If the same situation arises again do you think you would do the same thing again? It sounds like you would to be honest. It's coming across like you regret being 'tied down' by your wife and kids more than you regret the one night stand.

I think you need to figure out what you want before you talk to your wife. With the help of counselling if necessary. I just fear that you're going into one of those situations you read about all the time on here - woman finds out man cheated, man says he wants to try again, they have counselling together, man still acts like an arsehole, man cheats again, wife finds out, man is 'depressed' and doesn't know what he wants and changes his mind between staying and leaving so many times and by the end of the process the woman is completely broken and wishes he had just left the first time. You've already completely betrayed her, please don't mess her about any more. Figure out what you want. If you want to split anyway, it may not be the best idea to tell her as may hurt her more and make your co parenting relationship harder. If you stay you may want to tell her and may need joint counselling.

But two things - please stop taking this out on your kids, whatever happens even if you split they are still your kids and don't need you taking out whatever is going on with you, on them

And get an STI check even if you used condoms

Your partner and family aren't there to bear the brunt of your moods or your midlife crisis. Why don't you be brutally honest with your wife and see where that takes you? You don't sound from your post like you are that bothered about her really, you only mention the other woman you had sex with.
You need to take your suicidal thoughts to the GP though. Are you in crisis right now? If so, you need A and E.

I hope when you tell your wife her reply is - "Oh, I did that too, last year when I got bored cleaning up after your moaning ungrateful arse all the time and wanted spontaneous fun shagging other men behind your back".

But of course, if you feel suicidal please get help.

@Beastm0de wow some very harsh replies on here.
You are not a bad person, you have made a mistake and that is allowed in life. Cheating isn’t ok no but mistakes can happen. I personally don’t think any good will come from telling your wife just yet. However I do think you need to do a lot of soul searching. Try and think about whether you think your marriage is worth saving and whether you truly love your wife. You wouldn’t of cheated if everything was ok. I would get down to the doctors and talk through how you are feeling with your doctor. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up too much x

Great so you’ve cheated on your wife and now you’re making yourself feel better somehow by being nasty to her. Some husband you are.