Cheat and now feel awful

[Beastm0de]

Ok, I’ve been married for 13 years and never once done anything remotely classified as cheating ever....

But recently at an Xmas party (i know) I got way too drunk and ended up sleeping with a co worker. It was nice... and I enjoyed it, although being drunk as hell. It felt good to have that spontaneous, random, fun again? Like that that don’t give a F, kinda fun. Which I used to be like before the kids/wife. I’ve always been good with woman and had a very accomplished teen/early 20s I thought I got it all out of my system...

Now the other woman is obviously not interested, it was just “fun” for her and I can live with that. She’s gone a bit cold, said she felt awful that she slept with a married man, understandable.

I was comfortably numb in life at that point. I want to still be married, I loved my wife, kids and life, I have everything most people dream about. Big house nice cars devoured family, but since that night I just feel empty... I’ve been going to the gym everyday, it’s the only time I feel sane again where I’m not over thinking things or being inexcusably mean to my awesome family. I’m always pissed of, I drink more then ever, I feel like shit. I have suicidal thoughts and it’s just not getting better....

Genuinely don’t know what to do to make things right again. Or do I even deserve that? Am I a horrible person? Do I tell my wife??

I’m always pissed of, I drink more then ever, I feel like shit. I have suicidal thoughts and it’s just not getting better....

See a doctor for your depression

Tell your wife and start the split up process

How old are you.....middle age crisis possinly

In case this is real...

You need to speak to someone, for yourour mental well-being and that of your family. Perhaps make an appointment with a private counsellor, on your own, and discuss whether and how to tell your wife. See your GP straight away, or go to A&E, if the suicidal thoughts are persistent/serious and feel at risk of acting on them.

You've done a shitty thing. As has everyone in their time, in one form or another. Ultimately you need to either process this, forgive yourself, commit properly and move forward without telling anyone, or you need to tell your wife and go from there. You may be able to come through it together.

Good luck.

Your wife doesn't deserve to live a lie in a marriage with a liar and a cheat. Her life is ruined already, she just doesn't know it yet. What you did was absolutely despicable. I hope it will be the first and last time you do this to anybody and that you learn from it. Has anybody ever cheated on you before? If not then you have absolutely no concept of the level of pain and permanent emotional damage this can and will cause to your wife. However, if you have been cheated on in the past then you should know better. Do you truly love your wife? Maybe you won't realise how much you do until she looks you in the eye knowing what you did and you have to face the very real possibility of actually losing her. The grass is not greener. You have been a classic predictable fool.

And cheating right before Christmas? So when you spent what should have been a special day with your family and when you gave your wife her christmas present she accepted it never realising that a week or so before you'd had your cock inside another woman? That's really fucking lovely. Your poor wife. An evening of 'fun' for you equates to a life time of heartbreak for her. Actually stop and think how it would feel to be in her shoes, how tou would feel if your wife slept with another man behind your back then lied about it. How anyone could so casually betray their partner is beyond me.

I suggest counselling to talk this through. A counsellor offers professional, unbiased and non judgemental support.

They can help navigate your feelings around not really regretting the ONS. It seems you would have done it again if she was willing. That's a problem in your marriage whether you tell your wife or not.

It felt good to have that spontaneous, random fun again? Like that don’t give a F, kinda fun.

You didn’t give a F and have sabotaged your marriage and family.

You felt entitled to have a sexual adventure with OW, so you threw your fidelity to your wife in the gutter. You chose to shit all over her and her trust and make a fool of her, just so you could have your sleazy fun. Now you are lying to and mistreating her. So much for love and respect.

You feel no regret for cheating and wish that OW was up for more. You chose poorly, as she seems to have more empathy for your wife and children than you do, and now has less respect for you and herself. Rejection isn’t great, is it.

Your boundaries have weakened and you still feel entitled, so you will likely pursue more “fun” in the future. You’ve already created more distance between yourself and your wife by abusing her and the children and by drinking excessively. How is she feeling about your contemptuous behavior? Do you even know? She likely feels horribly unsettled.

Your wife deserves your honesty. She deserves to know the truth about her life and marriage. Don’t rob her of her choice and consent to be with a faithful man.

1. See the GP about suicidal thoughts
2. Tell your wife
3. You have been a total dick

If you find it hard to regret, maybe just put it on the flip side and imagine how would you feel if you know your wife had done this to you? Gone behind your back with another man, enjoyed it and didn't feel the guilt that she thinks she should have... Like seriously think about it. How does it feel? Write it down on here and really look at your words.

“ You feel no regret for cheating and wish that OW was up for more. You chose poorly, as she seems to have more empathy for your wife and children than you do, and now has less respect for you and herself. Rejection isn’t great, is it.”

I think that more or less sums it up.

When your married for so long, ignoring basic human nature and then someone shows an interest it’s easy to make a mistake. I know what I did was wrong and I think it’s the rejection of the OW that’s stopping me from feeling bad about the things I should be feeling bad about. After reading these replies I know I wouldn’t do it again, ever! Even with the OW.

I haven’t been ignoring her, drinking around the kids, or spending any less time with the family then normal except going to the gym a bit more when the kids are sleeping. I’ve just been a little more grouchy then normal, I haven’t taken anything out on them at all. My poor W hasn’t got a clue.

I’ve got a few counselling session booked yesterday.

In your first post you say you are "inexcusable mean" to your family. Now you are a bit grouchy. Which is it?
Actually regardless of which it is you have no right to take your guilt out on them. Having been with a cheater who did this, I can tell you that it was that behaviour which ended the relationship, not the affair itself. It's inexcusable to make others suffer for your actions in that way.
Ii's good you're heading to counselling though.

Telling your wife is only to make you feel better. Like sharing the misery. So you can both be miserable together.

I think your ego has been dented, you slept with this woman and she said yeah, don't think I'd want to do that again, and it's sent you rushing down the gym, trying to fix whatever you perceive to be wrong that she'd reject you. Maybe if your body looked better..you don't believe that she's worried about your marital status, you think it's something about you and she just doesn't want to say it and hurt your feelings.

So you're taking the rejection out on everyone else whilst desperately trying to make yourself look fitter to see if that helps.

The issue that's causing your unhappiness is that your ego has been given a massive kick

That's why you're down the gym. That's why you mention your "accomplishments" when young, and that's why you mention women flirting with you and you rejecting. In your head you were all that, and this woman has just made it clear she only shagged you because she was drunk, wouldn't repeat it and bitterly regrets it.

It's good that you have booked counselling. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you did it, but it is also vital that you start to actually 'get' the enormity of the betrayal and to try to genuinely understand how what you did will traumatise your wife. Knowing your spouse has had sex with someone else behind your back is absolute agony - it is in many ways more painful than bereavement, and I don't think you are anywhere near comprehending that at the moment.

Would it be fair to say that you are following the very common script of a man who was happy to get married and have a child but then began to feel sorry for himself when the reality of responsibilities/ parenthood etc kicked in, and that in your head your wife gradually became less of a 'woman' and more like a piece of furniture in your life who you no longer really 'see', and who is just there, and who is no longer exciting to you because she isn't 'new', like the OW? I have seen this happen in so many marriages, where over time a spouse (often the husband - sorry but just speaking from experience) starts to view their wife and child as some sort of booby prize they are stuck with, and then their head is turned by a woman who is exciting only because she is new. You need to actually remember who your wife is and why you married her. She didn't change, only her circumstances did, and you have really let her down. Underneath the daily grind, the parenting, etc she is still the lovely woman you wantec to get married to and it sounds like you have forgotten that or just can't see how fortunate you are to have her. She needs to be your No.1 priority going forward. She deserves much better than this and hasn't done anything wrong.

It also goes without saying that you have also betrayed your child by doing this. They had a stable family life before which you have now put at risk by destabilising your marriage. They could end up growing up in a broken home and seeing a great deal less of you if you end up divorced because you cheated. Did none if this occur to you before??

Bluntness100, I don’t want to admit it, but what you said makes sense and your right.

The OW told me afterwards that she can’t have kids and feels terrible about the mistake and I ignored it completely, made it about myself and was pissed off that she didn’t want to do it again. I really am a terrible fucking person 😖

She'll either find out or work it out. Go and see your GP for the other stuff

I think you are as shallow as a plate. Apart from the content of your OP being a massive cliche, you also write in cliches. Comfortably numb ffs! It's a song by Pink floyd about drugs, not a feeling. You might be numb but you are not comfortable. Leave your wife. Find out who you really are. Try and develop some depth of personality. I say this because you have not mentioned anything about your wife. You refer to her as an entity only. I suspect that if your co worker wanted a FWB type situation you would be chuffed to bits and it would save you the gym fee. I also wish there was the worlds tiniest violin emoticon available on this site. You're a fucking disgrace!

Okay - so now is the moment you need to decide what sort of person you want to be going forward - a decent man who prioritises his wife and family and who appreciates what he actually already has, or a pathetic creep who goes panting after his colleagues because he wants his fragile ego stroked?

Why do you neec the OW to validate your feelings of self worth? You feel rejected and have a bruised ego because she won't sleep with you again, but that is because you are MARRIED, not because she doesn't find you atteactive. And why do you ferl the need to know that you could sleep with lots of women if you wanted to just to feel like you actually exist? Your wife must have thought you were amazing or she wouldn't have married you. It is only your wife's feelings about you that actually matter, not the OW (who is actually irrelevant) - why is your wife's love and commitment to you not enough? Does every woman in the world have to fancy you in order to make you feel like you have some value? That is crazy.

Genuinely interested OP, how would you feel if your wife had done what you did and you found out?

I suspect from what you have written that if you had a cast iron guarantee you would never ever get caught, you would have repeated this experience. It is this that you need to ask yourself. If you would have, you have your answer. Tell your wife or don't but separate, step up in every respect regards parentling but allow her to find someone that deserves her.

Why are you being mean to your family? Interesting how many replies have overlooked that little confession in their efforts to excuse your “little mistake” of intentionally fucking a woman other than your wife.

Being horrible to your wife and kids isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice. A choice you’re making repeatedly. That makes you unpleasant.

Do tell her. She deserves the chance to make an informed decision whether she wants you or not. It's no longer yours to make.

Let me start again

Does every woman in the world have to fancy you in order to make you feel like you have some value? That is crazy.

I felt like this once

Not married and very young.
I didn't like myself much and only felt worthwhile if some found me attractive
Now 40 years on and I see my worth - kindness , intelligent etc.
But in Society you are bombarded with perfect imagines.
Who wants fat and balding and yet there are some really sexy guys out there who are just that.

OP, mid life crisis is often talked about and it appear common so I think there is some truth in it however it stems from lack of emotional intelligence. You were seeking validation and stupidly thought that validating "prowess" in your youth would satisfy you but it has back fired (and fair play to the OW to kick you to the kerb). You might not see it now but you will be grateful.

Essentially you can't ever go back to your youth - fast cars and girlfriends - and have to accept that your life is in a new phase. Most mid life men appear foolish trying to recapture their youth, which further impacts their confidence so they escalate behaviour until they self destruct.

As you age you have to seek validation in a more mature way. Some men become obsessive about hobbies hoping to achieve cycling prowess as an example but in my experience older men who are genuinely happy seem to get validation from acts of service and family life..trouble is there are so few role models that it is not a common path.

There is an author who speaks of his experience with mid life Jed Diamond, so that might be useful to hear other mens views on mid life.

When your married for years, ignoring basic human nature and someone shows interest it’s easy to make a mistake.

OP, that is a cop-out and hopefully your counselor will call you out on it. Rationalizing and minimizing will deter you from emotionally connecting, feeling true remorse, and accepting complete responsibility for the damage you have inflicted. Until you reach that point, your marriage will be a farce.

You rationalize that due to a long marriage and ignoring prior temptations, you understandably fell prey to attention and illicit sex with OW. For 13 years you and your wife have set clear boundaries to protect your fidelity. This time you could easily have walked away at any point betweeen hello and bed, but you chose to weaken your boundaries. Your ego highly valued a boost and sex with OW above all else, including your wife, who was downgraded to irrelevant status.

You minimize your infidelity by calling it a ‘mistake,’ but your wife would likely call.it a ‘massive betrayal.’ Actually you are being disingenuous. You weren’t calling it a mistake when hoping and pushing for an affair after the initial hook-up. If OW had been keen, you would currently be secretly messaging and finding time for more shagging.

OW seems to be front and center in your thoughts and emotions. Had you been crushing on/lusting after her prior to the party? Her rejection due to your marital status appears to be consuming you. Are you wondering if she would be up for a relationship if you were single?

Counseling can help you investigate your character weaknesses and sense of entitlement that led you to cheat and feel no remorse. You are likely searching for a younger version of yourself, and OW is a reflection of that search, but this is a dead end street that is already resulting in dire consequences.