Cheat and now feel awful

[Beastm0de]

Ok, I’ve been married for 13 years and never once done anything remotely classified as cheating ever....

But recently at an Xmas party (i know) I got way too drunk and ended up sleeping with a co worker. It was nice... and I enjoyed it, although being drunk as hell. It felt good to have that spontaneous, random, fun again? Like that that don’t give a F, kinda fun. Which I used to be like before the kids/wife. I’ve always been good with woman and had a very accomplished teen/early 20s I thought I got it all out of my system...

Now the other woman is obviously not interested, it was just “fun” for her and I can live with that. She’s gone a bit cold, said she felt awful that she slept with a married man, understandable.

I was comfortably numb in life at that point. I want to still be married, I loved my wife, kids and life, I have everything most people dream about. Big house nice cars devoured family, but since that night I just feel empty... I’ve been going to the gym everyday, it’s the only time I feel sane again where I’m not over thinking things or being inexcusably mean to my awesome family. I’m always pissed of, I drink more then ever, I feel like shit. I have suicidal thoughts and it’s just not getting better....

Genuinely don’t know what to do to make things right again. Or do I even deserve that? Am I a horrible person? Do I tell my wife??

The twist in the tale:

The OP was written by the OW and she's going to email this thread to her co worker so he stops asking her what he should do now.

Own your own shit.

Guess the rejection from the OW is consuming me...

(To clarify I was being mean after it happened for a couple of weeks..)

The last couple of weeks however me and my wife have been a lot more passionate together, she’s been extremely happy since I’ve calmed down a bit since going a bit awol and been working out again. Our relationship is great again. Got a great promotion coming up, been spending more time with the kids.

But this Ow is bugging me, like I’m weak or something for wanting more 🤦‍♂️, possibly it’s the rejection that I’m not settling for? I’m pissed off that she doesn’t want it again?

I want my marriage to be the most important thing in my life, not the OW, but at the moment it’s Ow that’s on my mind.

To answer the previous question, I didn’t really think anything of the Ow before, I have seen her about for a few years but this is the first time we have been in the same management zones so we see each other a bit more.

Genuinely spoke to her a few times before and never even thought about her attractiveness or looks or even personality. I’m normally not interested in people in general.

The only time I had a little 2 second thought is at they previous Xmas party where she wore a low cut top (but so did every other guy that saw her..)

Because of my position in the company (and not boasting at all) younger girls normally flirt and stuff, unfortunately it’s not uncommon in finance. I have never once thought about doing anything and have been far more drunk then I was with the Ow.

Your wife is happy because things are better and more passionate in your marriage, but all the while you are obsessing over another woman and your wife has no idea? Can you actually hear the words that are coming out of your mouth? That is really utterly horrible. You have been - and continue to be - an absolute bastard to your wife and you are not worthy of her love. There is clearly no getting through to you. You seriously need to grow up.

You sound like an exhausting drama llama and to be honest, a teenager!

What would you honestly feel if your wife had done what you've done?

And was still sad that the person she shagged didn't want a repeat performance?

You sound like you're lacking empathy and aren't able to put yourself in other peoples shoes so I think answering those questions honestly might be a useful exercise for you.

Dear god. You sound like an absolutely ego centric pathetic teenager

Grow up ffs - 🤮🤬

Cant handle a monogamous marriage. Cant cope with a one night stand. Cant handle much can you.

What a dick

Op I'm gonna be honest here. From your responses here I can tell you aren't going to take any advice.
Everything you've said from your first pose onward has just been lamenting how shit you feel that the OW doesn't want to continue an affair.
I don't think you care about anything else, you don't want advice, you're simply typing to vent about how rubbish it is you can't have this woman.
You're a selfish piece of work. It's a waste of anyone's time giving you advice.
I hope your wife finds out and throws you out.

You are the guy who scored with OW. Now you are angry that you can’t go back for more. You can’t handle being denied. It sounds like you have control issues.

Our relationship is great again. No, it really isn’t. Your wife is living and sleeping with an unempathetic liar who wants to keep cheating.

You are passionate with your wife while fantasizing and obsessing over OW. You don’t really know OW, but want to pursue a double life having sex with both her and your wife. If she changes her mind, you’ll be there in a flash.

As you are now prioritizing “spontaneous, random fun” with other women, you should end your marriage. Or perhaps you should offer your wife an open marriage, just to be fair.

Ok....
First, you’re a fuckwit, an utter fuckwit. You say you love your wife, but if you loved her you wouldn’t have done what you did. Instead you’d have listened to the little voice of reason in your head saying ‘no’, not your testicles saying ‘GO!’
You obviously have a high opinion of yourself. You’re not boasting, but women at work obviously find you irresistible; clearly nobody can walk near you without slipping up on the puddles of testosterone you leave where you walk, just like when you were young. It’s not your fault, she wore a low cut top that clearly caused priapism in the workplace, so how could you resist? So you didn’t. You gave in. You couldn’t give a fuck, until you realised what you’d done. Now you feel bad. You should do. Of course there is a ‘daily grind’. That’s life. It’s not all sunlit uplands. But don’t blame the fact that you have to support your family for your infidelity. My dad did that. He wanted to have things for himself, he didn’t want to spend his money on us, our house, etc, so he fucked off. I’m really sorry you are suffering from mental health issues. So do many many other people, as do I, but we don’t use it as an excuse for poor behaviour.
You could tell your wife. It will devastate her, and destroy everything she thought she had. Again, I can attest to that. My ex told me many times how strong our marriage was, how it could withstand anything, probably, even, an affair. Then she told me she’d been having one for several months. I’m not your wife, so I can’t speak for her, but I know how I felt, and I really don’t like the thought of another person feeling like I did.
Or keep quiet and let it eat you up. Either way, you will end up needing help. Get therapy. Call the Samaritans, don’t consider suicide. Talk to your GP about depression. I know I’ve sounded harsh, I’m sure you’re not a bad person, the fact that you’ve been left feeling this way indicates this, but you’ve behaved in an utterly stupid way. You have betrayed your family, but there are ways you can fix things. You can’t make it better, but you can hopefully move forward.

Sorry, I didn’t edit it in time...
Should say ‘....but you’ve behaved in an utterly stupid and unforgivable way.’

So I have had a few counselling sessions since...

Come to the conclusion that I am an egotistical megalomaniac, with very poor emotional understanding of others. I lack empathy and want other women to validate me to make myself feel good. I’m obsessed with making sure I look good because of that... which is why I became so fond of going to the gym everyday and telling everyone I have a 6 pack 🤦‍♂️

I also have a sex addiction 🤦‍♂️, to add to my list of personal problems 🤣

I am also a good father, I care about my family and my wife. After all the crap about the OW (which I realise now was a load of nonsense) I was beyond guilty with what I had done and used everything I could find as an excuse for what I did. I used “suicidal thoughts”, as a way to gain sympathy for my stupidity/poor decision.

I was a complete idiot. I told my wife what I did.

She booted me out (right thing to do). I got help in the meantime, still made sure I saw my kids everyday, without pissing her off. Made special arrangements at work, so I could watch them and she could go out/enjoy her life again...

...and now we are working together to fix our relationship. We both still want to be together, we both still share the same dreams and future plans, I still love her more then ever (more now I realised what I’ve lost) I just need to give her time to trust me again and make sure I do right by her and help fix/heal my mistake.

Thank you all for you honest replies (even if they were harsh!)

Well you've done more than most... that's good. Keep working on it and yourself. Don't let it slide or you could find yourself back in the same situation.
You gave been given another chance, do not abuse that or use it lightly.

You now have a chance to out it right and keep making it right.

Successful relationships are ones where both sides keep putting in working and effort to make it work.

Good luck to you and your wife.

Put*

Have* sorry for all the typos, I am on my phone.

What should it be about?

Big house, cars, devoured family. Are you sure you've got your priorities right?

At least you're starting again on a clean slate...being honest.

What a contrast of responses to the thread of the woman who had been cheating on her DP.

Good to hear you are being honest with your DW OP. I hope it works out for you and her.

Well, you certainly are talking the talk.

I hope you can gain real insight into your weak boundaries, sense of entitlement, and triggers that have enabled you to seek validation from other women and actually cheat with one of them.

Just 3 weeks ago you were consumed by thoughts of OW and were upset by her rejection of you and refusal to have more sex with you. You felt no remorse or guilt for cheating on your wife.

Do you really feel remorse and guilt now? How would you feel if OW changed her mind?