Husband no longer wants kids

[starry7]

Hello, long time lurker here ... Please excuse the long, rambling post.

My DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 12 (I'm 33 and he's 32). We spoke about having a family before getting married and several times after, and we both agreed we wanted to have kids one day. The last year or so I'd been bringing it up more often, getting a bit worried about my age (ideally I'd like two) but I always felt he wasn't really into it anymore. Then back in August I told him we should start trying, and he basically said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. He said that whenever he thought about our future, he felt a deep anxiety in his chest.

We nearly split up, but then I decided to give him a chance to work his shit out. We then went through several months of counselling, both single and joint. Turns out he was resenting me, and has a fear about having children and being a good dad, and resenting me and the kids in the future. However, I helped him work on his mental health and he kept telling me that he was 'getting there', working on his anxiety and negative attitude etc. Then in late Nov he said he thought he did want kids ... but he needed a bit of time to let the idea sink in. All while this was going on, I was living in hellish limbo.

Anyway, for some TMI reasons, it made sense for us to start trying in the new year. I gently broached this with him around Christmas, went really softly softly, and he was on board. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he was excited. I really can't emphasise how little I pushed him. On the inside however, a huge ball of anxiety released and I was really excited (and shitting it!).

Then ... new year comes around and he says he's changed his mind again. We have a huge argumentbasically a repeat of the one in Augustand I tell him that I can't be with a man who is too indecisive, or who won't grow up and take responsibility for another life, so either we start trying, or I'm done. I told him that while he has lots of time, I don't -- I'm 34 this year and if we split I'm basically giving up my hope of having a family. But at the same time, I don't want to stay with him after how he's behaved.

So, on Sunday I left and went to my mum's. Then on Monday he gets in touch and I deliver my ultimatum again, explaining my reasons, and he says, yes, he wants to try. I ask if he's sure--he says yes. All good. So I come home ...

Then tonight ... he comes back from his counsellor and starts crying--I ask what's wrong, and he says he's still not sure. Then followed another painful, excruciating discussion/argument, with him going round in circles, saying he's worried about picking the 'wrong choice', worried about doing things out of guilt ... basically painting every option in the most negative light. I ask him again: if he wants to stay with me then we need to start trying for a family. He can't answer, so I tell him it's over. I mean really over this time.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking here ... basically I want to know if anyone else has been in the same position? Am I wrong to end it? I just don't believe a word he says--he's proven to be quite unreliable in the past. Nothing major, but it all kinda adds up. He's one of these people who says anything in the moment but then goes back on his word or doesn't follow through. He also overthinks things, has Catholic guilt, and a lot of anxiety. I suffer from my own anxiety/depression too, but I've managed to really improve things with a lot of hard work, while he makes hardly any effort (despite my help and support).

Also, I feel that if we split, he'll lose his marriage but he'll probably end up with another woman and have a kid down the line. He's also about to get promoted at work (and I helped him extensively with interview prep and put our relationship stuff on the backburner for the sake of his career).

I on the other hand would basically lose a chance to have a family (I know there'd still be a chance but I couldn't bank on it, or I'd scare away any man who came within ten feet of me). I'm also self-employed but rely on him to support me, so I'd need to give up my career for now and get a job that pays well enough for me to buy him out of the mortgage ... Sorry, I know this is nothing compared to what a lot of people on here go through but I feel like all aspects of my life are completely fucked.

Sorry ... just had to vent. I think I still believe there's hope, but I also know that's probably foolish and I need to accept this and start planning my new future. Urgh, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

You are doing the right thing.

Don’t think about getting divorced as giving up your chance to have children, what you are actually doing is giving yourself the chance to have children with someone who wants them with you.

Get divorced, move on and don’t look back.

I’m so sorry this has happened. You must feel so many mixed emotions. You have done the right thing however. You can’t wait around for him. Sounds as though he feels he may have settled down too young.

I have not been through this exact same situation, but I did fertility issues and faced the fear of not having kids. We adopted in the end. My point is please don’t write the idea of having children out of your life. Once the dust has settled you are about to start an exciting new chapter and you are still only very young. Get over this, get yourself sorted job/career wise and then see what happens. You may find someone else, you may decide to be a single parent, you may adopt. There are many options. Be kind to yourself

Leave. Sounds like the relationship won’t last and you want DC so wasting more time wouldn’t be sensible.

I went through this and had to walk away in the end. It's something neither of you can compromise on, you shouldn't be denied the chance to have children but equally he shouldn't have them if he doesn't want them...what sort of dad would he be if his heart isn't in it now? It's so hard, and was the hardest choice I've ever had to make, but was definitely the right one for me. I have a 5yr old daughter and an amazing husband now. I hope things work out for you xx

Have one last practical conversation. There's no compromise here; so there's no path forward for you both. One of you would have to make a very big, very real and extreme compromise to either have or not have kids... and that is unlikely to pay off.

First, the practical things. Could you increase your self employed earnings, or is it definitely back to work for a bit? It's not the end of being SE; but you can't rely on him anymore. And if you do have to go back to being employed, can you frame it in a way that feels more positive - for example; it'll get you out a bit and keep you socialising with people, give you new people to talk to... not to replace him, but to avoid loneliness when he's gone and grow your world a bit.

Would he want to keep the house? Would you? Do you both want to sell and find somewhere that you don't have memories of each other?

Do you have any other shared assets - cars, savings etc? Shared debts?

The emotional side will be harder, especially as he's wasted so much of your time, but you're not too old and the odds aren't stacked against you yet. You just need to make wise decisions and not waste any more time.

All the best

You’re absolutely doing the right thing on following through with your ultimatums. A man thats so fucking wishy washy would drive me insane. And much as I might love him, I think long term such immature lack of conviction is hugely unattractive and a massive red flag.

You are not doing the wrong thing! END it. NO more conversations. It's over. I got a divorce. Ended up remarrying and having kids but I knew that even if it didn't work out for me, I would not be able to live with a person who tried to make this decision for me.

Don't waste more of your time.

I ended up taking a teaching post in another country, I needed to get away from it all. Met DH there.

If having children is so important to you, surely you need the right father, a man who knows what he wants from life and who is not afraid of taking responsibilities and be a constant, solid presence for you and your children.
He may not be ready to have children for another 10 years, you want them now.
He may go along with the plan and later resent you, resent the way children limit his lifestyle, feel coerced into the whole fatherhood business, have an epic midlife crisis and bugger off to find himself and figure out what he wants to do with his life.
I’m not saying he is wrong in his thinking and reluctance but he is not right for you.
Find someone who shares your dreams and plans and let him find someone who shares his.

I'm sorry your going through this, I completely understand what your going through. You love him and what he could bring but the thing is you love him for what you think he will bring. There's a difference. Stay strong and get out of life what you want. 💕

My friend left a long term relationship because of his refusal to get married and have children. She could live without the marriage.

She dated a new man and on their first date she explained she was looking for a long term partner and wanted kids (she was 32) he wanted the same.

They were married and pregnant with in the year and still together 18 years later

It happens

Good luck

I walked about from this at 34, now dating again a 35. I can’t say it has been easy but I have definitely not had a problem getting dates. Some men have mentioned wanting children themselves but I’m not quite ready for a new relationship just yes. I’m testing the waters. The anxiety I felt about being trapped in my relationships and my dreams not being important is over and I’m a happier person.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I feel so much more positive after reading them.

Anchor: you're absolutely right re employment. Unfortunately I would have to go back full-time, and while it would sting, I'm trying to focus on the social side, and even silly stuff like getting to buy new work clothes. I know it will be really difficult but I believe I can get through it. I think the worst thing about the job side is I took a risk in pursuing my passion, but sadly the risk hasn't paid off (so far). So I've got to battle a lot of shame and 'oh I'm a such a failure' thoughts too.

This is a new start for you, OP! No more anxiety, no more worrying about his wishy-washiness, no more wasting your time! You are not a failure! You are being proactive about your future, that's the opposite of failure. It takes a lot to admit it's over and you deserve something more. It's hard, I've been there, but I am so glad! No more counselling, tearful dramas. There was nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with wanting what I did.

Focus on you. Please don't waste more time on his wishy-washiness. See a solicitor and get a divorce.

Oh please - Don't fall for his nonsense OP. He doesn't want you as a life partner and he told you before, but you didn't listen.

I'm so tired of reading about women who waste their good years on a man who's not worth it at all.

Who wants a dithery dad for their child anyway? & this one would leave you before the baby is born. As much use as a snowman in Summer.

Tell him OK, as he's not sure then the marriage must end. Let the divorce go through, people who've been married much longer than you have + have children, have sorted out their divorce.

Then get on with making a life for yourself. Men aren't going extinct any time soon. You will have a chance to meet someone nicer and more decisive who'd love to have a child and family life with you.

This man has unreliable and unavailable written all over him. Let him go. You'll do better without him.

He married you under false pretences. You're not a failure - he is.

there is no mutually acceptable compromise on this one and it's very unfair of him to future-fake on something like this

True! You wouldn't have married him if he'd told you he never wanted kids. He's wasting your time.

A snowman in summer!
yeah that's it isn't it when you need him he just melts away 🙄😕

Mine tried to future fake me to keep me sweet. I had to tell him not to contact me at all except by email regarding the divorce. Just didn't want to hear any more future faking to keep me sweet so he could keep me in his life even though he knew he didn't want kids, at least not with me. We had property but I used a mediator

false pretences yes...he's a con man
he builds you up and then he lets you down, just to extract 'narcissistic fuel supply' from you
lucky he is dumb as a rock and you see right through him 🙂

Don't waste any more time with him. It sucks that he's making such a mess of what is such a normal life event, but you need to find someone who is not so fŕeaked out by kids.

I had these same painful arguments with my ex. The short of it is he’s messing you around and you deserve better. I left my ex (despite family pressure to work through our difficulties) then 6 months later met the man of my dreams. We had children quickly as we’re both adults that knew what we wanted and I couldn’t be happier. Good luck. It’s painful but don’t stay with him through fear you’re too old to meet someone else.

Also my ex had a child with a new woman within a year of us splitting up. He told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted children - but the reality was he wasn’t sure if he wanted children with me!

Also, my dithering DH left me when when I was 35. I had my DD with a new guy age 36.

It was a rollercoaster time but I learnt that all you can do is keep on aiming for what you want/need.

Mine never had kids.

Don't waste any more time on him OP. Even if he does a complete 180° now and declares how much he does want kinds, was just scared blah, blah, blah, don't fall for it. He will either run and leave you high and dry as a single parent, or he simply won't pull his weight as a dad, and pull the whole "you were the one who wanted kids" card when things get tough, and you'll basically be rasing a family single handedly with a giant oversized man child to care for too. Far better off giving yourself a fresh start and opportunity to meet someone who shares your same dreams and aspirations. Good luck op. You sound like a really lovely person, who deserves much better than this.