Husband no longer wants kids

[starry7]

Hello, long time lurker here ... Please excuse the long, rambling post.

My DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 12 (I'm 33 and he's 32). We spoke about having a family before getting married and several times after, and we both agreed we wanted to have kids one day. The last year or so I'd been bringing it up more often, getting a bit worried about my age (ideally I'd like two) but I always felt he wasn't really into it anymore. Then back in August I told him we should start trying, and he basically said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. He said that whenever he thought about our future, he felt a deep anxiety in his chest.

We nearly split up, but then I decided to give him a chance to work his shit out. We then went through several months of counselling, both single and joint. Turns out he was resenting me, and has a fear about having children and being a good dad, and resenting me and the kids in the future. However, I helped him work on his mental health and he kept telling me that he was 'getting there', working on his anxiety and negative attitude etc. Then in late Nov he said he thought he did want kids ... but he needed a bit of time to let the idea sink in. All while this was going on, I was living in hellish limbo.

Anyway, for some TMI reasons, it made sense for us to start trying in the new year. I gently broached this with him around Christmas, went really softly softly, and he was on board. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he was excited. I really can't emphasise how little I pushed him. On the inside however, a huge ball of anxiety released and I was really excited (and shitting it!).

Then ... new year comes around and he says he's changed his mind again. We have a huge argumentbasically a repeat of the one in Augustand I tell him that I can't be with a man who is too indecisive, or who won't grow up and take responsibility for another life, so either we start trying, or I'm done. I told him that while he has lots of time, I don't -- I'm 34 this year and if we split I'm basically giving up my hope of having a family. But at the same time, I don't want to stay with him after how he's behaved.

So, on Sunday I left and went to my mum's. Then on Monday he gets in touch and I deliver my ultimatum again, explaining my reasons, and he says, yes, he wants to try. I ask if he's sure--he says yes. All good. So I come home ...

Then tonight ... he comes back from his counsellor and starts crying--I ask what's wrong, and he says he's still not sure. Then followed another painful, excruciating discussion/argument, with him going round in circles, saying he's worried about picking the 'wrong choice', worried about doing things out of guilt ... basically painting every option in the most negative light. I ask him again: if he wants to stay with me then we need to start trying for a family. He can't answer, so I tell him it's over. I mean really over this time.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking here ... basically I want to know if anyone else has been in the same position? Am I wrong to end it? I just don't believe a word he says--he's proven to be quite unreliable in the past. Nothing major, but it all kinda adds up. He's one of these people who says anything in the moment but then goes back on his word or doesn't follow through. He also overthinks things, has Catholic guilt, and a lot of anxiety. I suffer from my own anxiety/depression too, but I've managed to really improve things with a lot of hard work, while he makes hardly any effort (despite my help and support).

Also, I feel that if we split, he'll lose his marriage but he'll probably end up with another woman and have a kid down the line. He's also about to get promoted at work (and I helped him extensively with interview prep and put our relationship stuff on the backburner for the sake of his career).

I on the other hand would basically lose a chance to have a family (I know there'd still be a chance but I couldn't bank on it, or I'd scare away any man who came within ten feet of me). I'm also self-employed but rely on him to support me, so I'd need to give up my career for now and get a job that pays well enough for me to buy him out of the mortgage ... Sorry, I know this is nothing compared to what a lot of people on here go through but I feel like all aspects of my life are completely fucked.

Sorry ... just had to vent. I think I still believe there's hope, but I also know that's probably foolish and I need to accept this and start planning my new future. Urgh, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

OP you’re only 34 so try not to worry so much on your age.

1. End it

2. Get on a dating site. It’s likely to be the fastest way of meeting someone. You probably will meet some idiots but you could end up meeting the love of your life who wants what you do.

As stated, you’re ok for time but you can’t be taking a break from men for 2 years. You want a family and a relationship so you’re going to have to open the doors.

Some people would get pregnant regardless. I’ve known people trap someone to keep them from splitting up with them. ‘Ohhh I’m pregnant so you can’t leave’. I think it’s diabolical but it’s done probably quite frequently

Good luck

Thank you all again for your messages. My brain is slowly catching up with what my gut knows already. 2020 is going to make for an interesting year

At 34 you're not giving up your chance at motherhood. You'd be doing that by staying in this marriage though. It obvious that he'll just string you along until it is too late (albeit not for him).

You get one life. This relationship isn't going to give you the life you want. And you're not happy. Start the new decade by moving towards what you want in life.

I think you are doing the right thing

Finding someone new and having a family with them is more feasible than having a family with someone who just doesn't want it.

He will just tell you what he wants you to hear to keep you sweet, you have learnt this now.

I think he doesn't want to be married to you, but doesn't want the responsibility of taking the decision to split. He wants you to do it.

I think you should get out and get on with the rest of your life. You still have time to meet someone else and have children.

Oh absolutely what woo said. You won't have kids with him. You'll wait and wait and wait for that 'right time' which he will ensure will never come. He'll spoonfeed you false promises.
I was divorced at 31. I did have a child from my first marriage, so meeting someone and having a family wasn't on my radar (I'd been so depleted by my ex who left not long after our baby was born). But eventually, I got together with DH at 37 and on my 38th birthday, had DC2.

Don't let this dead-end be an obstacle on your path towards the life you truly want.

You’re doing the right thing. I’ve no doubt that in a years time he’ll have anew woman and they’ll be expecting.

If you stay together and have children at some point he will throw it back in your face.

Leave. Give yourself the chance of real happiness and a family.

I echo what Yeahnah says, and raise you the fact that he'll be walking along behind his pregnant girlfriend with a face like a slapped arse, on his phone and trying to set up his new dating profile.

He's not cut out to be a good dad. Too wishy washy.

Well done for doing this and not wasting any more time. I left a 13 year relationship to give myself a chance to have children and I was 36. I got married at 39 and now have 3 and while at the time of leaving I was so low I was also proud of myself for taking action and not being in the same situation in another 12 months. Good luck!!

It's fine for him to not want kids, but he could have told you sooner - mind you he could also have strung you along until you really had very little chance of a family.
I think men you meet in their 30s/40s aren't going to want to have the relationship for ten years before thinking about children, the way men in their 20s can afford to do. I'm pretty sure some people put they want children on their dating profiles even.

You are doing the right thing OP. He’s strung you along for 12 years dangling the hope of having kids “one day”. If he can’t make his mind up after 12 years then god knows how long you’ll be waiting?! He’s been quite selfish tbh and you’ve supported him and gone back to him multiple times only for the same outcome. LTB and find someone who actually knows what they want out of life! You have a good 6 years or so for kids and have time to find someone new.

Men tend to feel that they have much more time than women to make a decision on whether or not to be a parent
I feel this will change as it becomes more widely known that the age of the father impacts the health of the baby as much as the age of the mother.
If I was a young woman who wanted children I would NOT be squandering my young fertile eggs on an older man whose sperm is of much lower quality.
I would want the best, youngest genes for my baby!!

Agree with above - don't waste anymore time on this manipulator. Why is his mental health and anxiety more important than yours?

he'll probably end up with another woman and have a kid down the line.

Yup. Any it sucks. But that's why you need to act now to prioritise your own dreams. Best of luck.

I was in this position at 28. We split up as I knew I’d rather give myself the chance to have kids than willingly give that chance away, however small, for a man. Any man.

We split and I met someone a few weeks later just casually dating on tinder, explained that I wanted kids and planned to try for a baby in around three years either with someone or on my own, if that sounded like it could be in line with his plans great, we can continue dating, if he knew that wasn’t for him no worries but no point taking it any further. He said he wanted kids too, we dated, had a normal un rushed relationship but both knew where it was going, after the first year or so started talking specifics more frequently, saved up and bought a home after a couple years together (while focusing on our careers in the interim), and got pregnant after two and a bit years together (got married while pregnant). If I’d been much older we’d have moved a bit faster but we felt okay with our timeline.

Plenty of men out there want and are ready for kids, don’t worry about scaring men off (unless on a first date you’re saying I want a baby now haha), just be open that a child is something you want and you’re ready for if you do meet someone who seems worthwhile. The right guys will be thrilled and any that run aren’t right for you anyway.

Congrats OP on opening the door to a family, whatever happens I doubt you’ll regret leaving the marriage as you’d never be happy with him anyway after everything that’s happened.

Thank you for sharing success stories. I'm so glad to hear that other people have been in the same position and come out the other side.

Today we need to discuss logistics about how we're going to co-exist in a 1 bed flat until I can afford to take over the mortgage. Should be fun.

I’m sorry and I do agree with the PP.

I had my first child at 36 and went on to have another three. Even if you don’t end up having children, better to be in a childless relationship, a stepparent or single than with someone who has lied and strung you along. Your understandable resentment means your marriage is over now.

I had my first baby last year at age 35.

I was also worried about age and how long it would take ... apparently once is enough ...wasn’t checking ovulation had a really busy month wasn’t seriously trying ( as was getting married in 4 months time ) and voila I have a 13 month old baby boy at this time.

Things can happen quickly and with the right person.

You have done the right thing if you stay you will resent him and your hope of a family has gone , if you leave there is still hope.

Good luck op

Don't even think about his future, what he does is his business. Focus on yourself and you. I walked at 30. Had 3 by 37. Just focus on getting free of him and not wasting your time. Do not fall for any more tears and histrionics, you already know how he really feels.

See a solicitor, too, to get the ball rolling. You need to be single to marry someone else.

Hopefully he'll move out.

Not RTFT but tbh at this point my gut response if finances permit, would be to get pregnant regardless. I know that's not normally on but you'd have left years before if you'd known.
I would then leave him. I would do this not expecting anything of him. If he wanted to pay or be involved fine, but I would be taking this decision as my responsibility solely. I wouldn't want to give up a chance of having a family at 34.

VERY shit idea, kate. This guy will push for an abortion, cry, make her miserable. And then she'll only get the one. Far better to ditch, find a real man and have the family she wants.

I also think you have done the right thing. I might sound cynical but l don’t think he wants children, he’s telling to a degree what you want to hear but just to buy more time is stalking with these excuses. It’s not fair for him to waste your time and not be honest. He married you under false pretences l think

I know it's a shit idea but at 34 I would not want to give up a chance of a family if I could do it on my own. She's been, even if innocently, strung along.

He's stringing you along. To me it would also be a deal breaker. Give yourself the chance to meet someone else who is ont he same page as you. Best of luck!

Let me urge you in the strongest terms to walk away. This was me. He said ok to try- even though he wasn’t totally sure. When pregnant, he changed his mind. Asked me to abort. Made it very certain he wouldn’t support me. You can’t even trust a yes at this stage. It will probably be just to stay with you. I’m traumatised. Leave.