Hello, long time lurker here ... Please excuse the long, rambling post.
My DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 12 (I'm 33 and he's 32). We spoke about having a family before getting married and several times after, and we both agreed we wanted to have kids one day. The last year or so I'd been bringing it up more often, getting a bit worried about my age (ideally I'd like two) but I always felt he wasn't really into it anymore. Then back in August I told him we should start trying, and he basically said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. He said that whenever he thought about our future, he felt a deep anxiety in his chest.
We nearly split up, but then I decided to give him a chance to work his shit out. We then went through several months of counselling, both single and joint. Turns out he was resenting me, and has a fear about having children and being a good dad, and resenting me and the kids in the future. However, I helped him work on his mental health and he kept telling me that he was 'getting there', working on his anxiety and negative attitude etc. Then in late Nov he said he thought he did want kids ... but he needed a bit of time to let the idea sink in. All while this was going on, I was living in hellish limbo.
Anyway, for some TMI reasons, it made sense for us to start trying in the new year. I gently broached this with him around Christmas, went really softly softly, and he was on board. I asked him how he felt about it and he said he was excited. I really can't emphasise how little I pushed him. On the inside however, a huge ball of anxiety released and I was really excited (and shitting it!).
Then ... new year comes around and he says he's changed his mind again. We have a huge argumentbasically a repeat of the one in Augustand I tell him that I can't be with a man who is too indecisive, or who won't grow up and take responsibility for another life, so either we start trying, or I'm done. I told him that while he has lots of time, I don't -- I'm 34 this year and if we split I'm basically giving up my hope of having a family. But at the same time, I don't want to stay with him after how he's behaved.
So, on Sunday I left and went to my mum's. Then on Monday he gets in touch and I deliver my ultimatum again, explaining my reasons, and he says, yes, he wants to try. I ask if he's sure--he says yes. All good. So I come home ...
Then tonight ... he comes back from his counsellor and starts crying--I ask what's wrong, and he says he's still not sure. Then followed another painful, excruciating discussion/argument, with him going round in circles, saying he's worried about picking the 'wrong choice', worried about doing things out of guilt ... basically painting every option in the most negative light. I ask him again: if he wants to stay with me then we need to start trying for a family. He can't answer, so I tell him it's over. I mean really over this time.
I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking here ... basically I want to know if anyone else has been in the same position? Am I wrong to end it? I just don't believe a word he says--he's proven to be quite unreliable in the past. Nothing major, but it all kinda adds up. He's one of these people who says anything in the moment but then goes back on his word or doesn't follow through. He also overthinks things, has Catholic guilt, and a lot of anxiety. I suffer from my own anxiety/depression too, but I've managed to really improve things with a lot of hard work, while he makes hardly any effort (despite my help and support).
Also, I feel that if we split, he'll lose his marriage but he'll probably end up with another woman and have a kid down the line. He's also about to get promoted at work (and I helped him extensively with interview prep and put our relationship stuff on the backburner for the sake of his career).
I on the other hand would basically lose a chance to have a family (I know there'd still be a chance but I couldn't bank on it, or I'd scare away any man who came within ten feet of me). I'm also self-employed but rely on him to support me, so I'd need to give up my career for now and get a job that pays well enough for me to buy him out of the mortgage ... Sorry, I know this is nothing compared to what a lot of people on here go through but I feel like all aspects of my life are completely fucked.
Sorry ... just had to vent. I think I still believe there's hope, but I also know that's probably foolish and I need to accept this and start planning my new future. Urgh, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.