Husband and money

[ittybittylivingspace]

Hi all,

Would appreciate your views on my DH and I money situation. This will be long, sorry.

We've been together 13 years, married for 4, have a baby together. We own a house together and until I went on maternity leave we paid the same amount each into the joint account each month for mortgage and bills. DH earns £23k a year and I earn £14k.

When I went on maternity leave I got 6 weeks of 90% pay, then it's 33 weeks of SMP which is about £580 a month. Now I'm on zero per month for the next few months until I return to work. DH has been paying an extra £200 into the joint account each month and I've been paying £200 less in. I've been using my savings to fund myself while off work. When I go back to work I will have about £5k left of my savings. DH has £33k savings. I'll be doing 3 days a week and won't be able to afford to pay half the mortgage and bills. I also won't qualify for universal credit due to DH's savings. I don't see a penny of this money though.

Should he continue paying more money into the joint account and me pay less seen as my wage will be about 3 times less than his? I'll only be on £8k. I know if I ask him to do this it will cause a major argument.

Of course he should pay extra in if he earns so much more than you

Well you know that's financial abuse... where is the team work where is the sharing of savings and costs???

Why do you have individual savings and not joint

You should have always been paying into the joint proportional to your earnings not 50:50. You have a child together which reduces your earning potential....

Bill him for childcare you do when he's at work!

As I see it, you're married with a child and should be pooling resources. You're only working less as you're looking after his child. All money is family money and is shared/ used for bills/ saved 50/50.

In all honestly a thousand of us could say yes, he should pay a hell of a lot more but its going to be down to him whether he does or not...

Also, another thousand of us could say why on earth was the financial side not discussed and agreed prior to getting pregnant, but again, what's the point in that....

Charge him for childcare...

Did you not discuss this before getting pregnant?
Ofcourse you should have the same amount after everything is paid. He is not seing you as a partner, a team..

What does he want for your child? The only way you will be able to put equal money in is if you work full time and then 12k so the equivalent of most of your salary will go on childcare.

You're a family now and he surely cant expect to have a child and be in the same financial position as before.

Even without a child I think its shit to split bills 50 50, what kind of person wants to enjoy a Michelin star meal while their partner can only afford a McDonalds? It's not a great partnership if one of you has much more spending money or savings than the other.

I think it's pretty disgusting you had to dip into your savings for maternity leave as well when he has lots more than you. Why is it just you that is using savings, maternity leave is for the benefit of the baby to ensure they receive the best care, not an extended holiday

I've been using my savings to fund myself while off work

What the fuck! I will never understand this but I see it quite often on MN. The month before my maternity leave started, DP and I went to the bank and opened a joint account, my mat pay went in there, as did DPs salary.

What kind of pathetic man cares more about his money than his family.

You're either a team or not a team.

You two don't appear to be a team.

Of course you won't get UC, not because of his savings biit because of his WAGE. Which he should be supporting his family with. What an asshole

He’s having a laugh! Are you married? If so, tell him you’re leaving and you’ll therefore be slitting all the assets 50/50 including his savings, and as you’ll be out of work he’ll have to pay you maintenance. Then watch him turn grey!

You’re married and have a child, you should be a team. Neither should have access to more money than the other. The fact you’re using your savings to fund maternity leave while he has so much is ridiculous. All money should be shared.

What are you doing about childcare on the days you're working?
I only ask because it's bloody expensive.

We all know he's being a dick.

You're married so agreed with PP's. Tell him you're divorcing him and want half of everything.
I'm sure he'll soon change his tune.

Stop using your savings. RIGHT NOW!!!!
It's time for HIM to step up now!
When back at work set up a joint account.
Set up a savings account
Set up a bills account.
All money goes into the joint account.
Everything needed for bills, mortgage, shopping, etc... goes into the bill account, plus a bit extra.
An agreed amount then goes into the savings account.
Anything left over is split 50:50 so you both have the same amount of 'personal / leisure money' and that goes into your personal accounts!
That is how it SHOULD work.
However, I fear he is already financially abusing you.
You should not be paying the same into bills etc... if he earns more than you. That is not how a loving, EQUAL relationship works!
If he won't agree to this then I suggest you leave him and take half of his savings with you!
He won't like that!

Woah woah woah - I am REALLY confused as to why you have EVER paid 50:50 when he earns a considerable amount more than you?!

Bills should ALWAYS be split proportionate of salary! My and my OH have always done 50:50, even when I earned 3k more than him but this was very marginal... and at the time I had more debts to pay.

You should not have to use your savings and your savings only to live - I cannot see how either of you think it is fair for you to only pay £200 difference?!

You don't NEED to put all your money in a joint account but what you both pay in to that account needs to be proportionate. So while you earn £8k, the total income is £31K and you earn 25% of this. Therefore you put 25% in the account and he puts 75% in. THIS is how it should work.

Alternatively I know couples with separate accounts and have a child. He pays for mortgage and both cars. She pays for food and utility bills. That works for them!

This is why I don't understand the 'my money, your money' mentality - as soon as you got married you should have opened a joint account and put ALL the money into it - then, if you wanted you could pay out 'his savings and your savings' into separate accounts - "pocket money" if you like. Who will be funding the stuff for the baby? His attitude is outrageous - point out that if you split he will have to pay a bloody sight more than he is already. Un-be-lieveable!!

@GiveHerHellFromUs DD will be spending one day with MIL, one day with DH (he isn't in a mon-fri job so has negotiated a set day off per week) and one day in nursery

@Beau2020x it was me that suggested the £200 as I was too scared to ask for more. Scared of his reaction, not of him hurting me or anything.

@Ijustwanttoretire I've been buying most of her clothes and food as I'm always in town. I have to really pester him to get half that back

You should be pooling finances as you have a child. Perhaps when you have the discussion about money you should point out that you are providing him with free childcare!! And presumably free housekeeping services as well!

Thanks all, you've made me realise that I'm not expecting anything unreasonable. I know the current situation is ridiculous and that I've let it happen. I also have thought a lot about how I'd probably be better off if we split up.

I guess I'm feeling a bit depressed and vulnerable and it's hard to think about leaving in this state

Now you have a child and you are a unit can you merge your money and have a shared account?

I know it's a bit too late now but all of this should have been sorted before you TTC and you shouldn't be scared of any reaction from him.

So you are married. You are having a child together... and.... you are scared of his reaction if you talk money!?
That's not OK OP or normal.
You should have discussed how all of this would work before having DC together.
You need to pull up your big girl pants and have a frank and honest discussion about finances!
You will grow more and more resentful until you eventually hate him!
Don't get like that.
Tackle it now!

Why do women put up with this shit. Honestly I despair. No it's not ok. He needs to be financially supporting his family. You haven't had a choice as you have the womb but ffs you should not be struggling and trying to manage from your savings.