Husband and money

[ittybittylivingspace]

Hi all,

Would appreciate your views on my DH and I money situation. This will be long, sorry.

We've been together 13 years, married for 4, have a baby together. We own a house together and until I went on maternity leave we paid the same amount each into the joint account each month for mortgage and bills. DH earns £23k a year and I earn £14k.

When I went on maternity leave I got 6 weeks of 90% pay, then it's 33 weeks of SMP which is about £580 a month. Now I'm on zero per month for the next few months until I return to work. DH has been paying an extra £200 into the joint account each month and I've been paying £200 less in. I've been using my savings to fund myself while off work. When I go back to work I will have about £5k left of my savings. DH has £33k savings. I'll be doing 3 days a week and won't be able to afford to pay half the mortgage and bills. I also won't qualify for universal credit due to DH's savings. I don't see a penny of this money though.

Should he continue paying more money into the joint account and me pay less seen as my wage will be about 3 times less than his? I'll only be on £8k. I know if I ask him to do this it will cause a major argument.

My guess as well is that he will actively try and block any and all attempts you make to go back to work.

What is the aim of your degree here?.

Perhaps OP and her Husband did discuss finances prior to trying for a baby but he’s gone back on his word and has used the baby as a means of financially controlling her? This sort of abuse is really insidious and women don’t often realise what is happening until they are in it.

OP I was in exactly the same position as you, I’m sorry to say it did not get better. In fact things really went downhill once my ex started ramping up his financial control.

Your enjoys having this power over you and thinks he can get away with it because you are now depending on him and can’t ‘just leave’ (it’s never as simple as that). It’s up to you to make a stand. Either you want to live like this or you don’t. These men don’t change.

I don't know what I want to do with my degree yet, I'm just doing it to prove to myself that I can I guess

You’re basically supporting your child from your savings whilst he’s got £33k in the bank and grudges chipping in for his own DD? I’m speechless, what a cunt.

He is a financially abusive wanker and he is ripping off you and your DC.
Make this stop now or leave him. You will just really have to stand up to him - so what if he does not like it, your DC does not deserve to be a pauper while her father has thousands in the bank.

Gosh this is all kinds of wrong..... One pot and then the same personal spends each.

Regardless of his savings, your married, it's a marital asset in the eyes of the courts..... May want to remind him of that. He sounds like a selfish scrooge!

We have also had a joint bank account and my husband leaves me to sort the bills. Why marry if you don’t share everything?

I think you need to have a serious discussion because this present arrangement is ridiculous

Thanks again everyone, I know you're all talking sense. I need to have a big discussion with him and if it goes nowhere then I need to start thinking about a divorce

Wrong thread I know.... Reported it

He's financially abusing you op. Both wages into one account, bill, stuff for the dc, food etc out then whatever is left gets split 50/50. Savings should also be pooled and put in a joint account

You're married with a child together. It should be one pot. Both should have some 'spends' for personal use too within budget.

There is no amount of abuse that's acceptable in any relationship.

It's a choice he's made. Talk to him by all means, but since this is how he wants things it won't change anything.

This line

but he loves his daughter

But he can't if he won't give you any of "his" money to pay for her clothes or anything she needs and won't actually parent his child.

I'll give you an example of what Dh and I have. When I met Dh I had graduated and was working but just in a normal but well paid job. Dh was a student finishing his degree. When he started work he earned more than me so we split the contributions to the bills based on a percentage. That way we were both left with the same amount of money each month to spend on whatever we needed.

Fast forward, my maternity pay is generous but the shortfall is made up from our savings. I returned to work part time, all money is pooled together. I became a SAHM when DS1 was a toddler and we went on to have Ds2. Both my sons are teenagers and I am a still a SAHM.

I have access to all money earned by Dh, I can spend what I want when I want on either myself or the children or stuff for Dh. We have been married 20 years.

With regard to the children, Dh would literally remove his son from my arms when he came home from work, would take him into the kitchen where he proceeded to make me a cup of tea and himself a drink all the while chatting away to his son.

This has not changed, although the boys are teens and no longer in my arms they get up from whatever it is they are doing to greet him at the door because he is beloved by them. He deliberately takes one child or the other with him for mundane stuff like the tip run so that he can spend one on one time with them.

That is what a father should be. One who opens his pockets to see that his children have what they need. In fact I would say he is over-generous toward myself and his children. But he loves us.

I completely agree with everything said above, he is financially abusing you. In divorce those savings of his become marital assets. He is deliberately making it hard to talk to him about money so he gets to keep more to himself. He is selfish.

He will shut you down if you try to have a financial discussion with him because he does not want to share. This is how he wants things to be in your relationship.

He only loves his own self; he really does not give a fig about his daughter or you as his wife in particular.

What the hell was the point of getting married if he is going to keep all his money for himself. Fuck that, I'd make him leave. I won't tolerate financial abuse.
You've just given birth to his child, you are his wife and he won't pay up. WTAF!!!

'Also forgot to mention his parents set up a bank transfer to him of £160 a month when he was at uni and it still goes even though he graduated about 12 years ago. So that's almost £24k he's been able to save just from that money.'

Lol! Mummy and daddy are still giving him pocket money/a little allowance? That just struck me as funny/ludicrous.

Of course when you're on 8k, you won't be able to pay much in at all. You do need to say something. He doesn't sound much of a catch TBH.

You also say you're quite low. Maybe see your GP? Improving your mood will make you feel more able to deal with the situation and act on what you decide to do. Best wishes xxxxx

He will shut you down if you try to have a financial discussion with him because he does not want to share. This is how he wants things to be in your relationship

This.

I tried talking to my financially abusive ex. I tried every strategy I could think of and he found an excuse or a reason why I was being unreasonable.

Your husband doesn’t see you as a partner and he’s not a good father. You can try talking to him, but he won’t listen. Because he doesn’t see you as his equal and he doesn’t want to share ‘his’ money with you.

So his parents and you are all supporting him. What's he saving up for?

Nothing, he doesn't like to dip below a certain amount in his account (all wages and savings in his one account). If I ask him for half the money for something I bought for DD he makes me wait till pay day so his bank balance doesn't go down

Reading all this back makes me amazed at why I have put up with this for so long

Wow why are you with him he is financially abusing you! I can't believe he makes you wait so it doesn't dip below a certain amount. Don't pay for anything until you also have 33K or an equal amount

50:50 only works when you both earn the same amount and if that 50:50 applies across the board, but I have yet to meet a 50:50 guy who applies this to life work such as housework, childcare, admin. Oddly enough they usually only apply this to money but then expect 10:90 or 0:100 when it comes to life's donkey work.

The time to have stopped this would have been when you moved in together and he was outearning you but still expecting 50:50 rather than proportional with equality in savings and teamwork in the home.

He is abusive. Do you have somewhere to go? Because he will not change.

50:50 only works when you both earn the same amount and if that 50:50 applies across the board

I totally agree with this. OP, if he expects you to pay 50% of all bills and living costs, then surely he's doing 50% of childcare and housework?

@LannieDuck that would be nice but no. He works full time so it's me who has DD most of the time