Husband and money

[ittybittylivingspace]

Hi all,

Would appreciate your views on my DH and I money situation. This will be long, sorry.

We've been together 13 years, married for 4, have a baby together. We own a house together and until I went on maternity leave we paid the same amount each into the joint account each month for mortgage and bills. DH earns £23k a year and I earn £14k.

When I went on maternity leave I got 6 weeks of 90% pay, then it's 33 weeks of SMP which is about £580 a month. Now I'm on zero per month for the next few months until I return to work. DH has been paying an extra £200 into the joint account each month and I've been paying £200 less in. I've been using my savings to fund myself while off work. When I go back to work I will have about £5k left of my savings. DH has £33k savings. I'll be doing 3 days a week and won't be able to afford to pay half the mortgage and bills. I also won't qualify for universal credit due to DH's savings. I don't see a penny of this money though.

Should he continue paying more money into the joint account and me pay less seen as my wage will be about 3 times less than his? I'll only be on £8k. I know if I ask him to do this it will cause a major argument.

@Sunflowersok you'd think so, but I doubt that will go down well if I ask him to do that.

Thank you everyone, I know you are all right when telling me to sort it out and that I should have sorted it before getting pregnant. I'm gonna talk to him and see what he says about a joint account for wages.

Also forgot to mention his parents set up a bank transfer to him of £160 a month when he was at uni and it still goes even though he graduated about 12 years ago. So that's almost £24k he's been able to save just from that money. I did ask if he would put that in an account for our daughter but he didn't agree to it.

He sounds pretty selfish really. I understand you couples doing this and having financial independence but not so much with a family. I hope it goes down well whatever you do decide but having nothing to live off is no way to live OP

*young couples

Why were you using your savings during mat leave (assuming he could have afforded to cover your share)? He could have taken shared parental leave and covered half the childcare in that first year so that you both took a financial hit from your savings and not just you.

Why are you the one dropping to 3 days a week? Why didn't you both drop to 4 days a week?

Maybe it's been your choice... or did he want/expect you to give up your FT job? I think that makes a difference to the conversation about finances.

It sounds like you’d be better off as a single mum on part time wage and benefits than with him. Make sure he understands that aspect of how unbalanced the current situation actually is

The benefit system should not support you though, not when you have a husband. Cant believe there are men out there like this. Makes me appreciate my DH all the more, he has always supported me and the DC. I cannot work at all now due to ill health and he supports me fully. He says it is our money not his.

He’s really being a shit partner to you. Why would you even worry about his reaction at all, that’s not how it should be between partners?

WTAF? You are married with a child and he's treating you as a flatmate, but even worse because he wouldn't expect childcare, housework or sex from the 50:50 flatmate.

FUCK that! You should never have agreed to this.

Tax credits are gone and UC isn't the greatest, but it will help pay for childcare so you'd probably be better off without him, actually, of course you would because he's a financially abusive cock.

Just tell him that, too. What you are doing is financial abuse.

You do realise that financial abuse is now recognised as being a form of domestic abuse? And domestic abuse is a crime? You can even put it in your divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

The £160 should be going to your daughter. Why would he not want to do that!

I know if I ask him to do this it will cause a major argument.

Because he's financially abusive.

You are being financially abused by him and any conversations you have with him now about money will be shut down.

Unfortunately as you have all too clearly seen such abuse (and this is financial abuse) is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. I would also think he is not solely financially abusive towards you either; how is he with you now day to day?.

I would seek legal advice asap re separation and divorce from this person.

@ittybittylivingspace Okay, I really feel for you. I hate to be harsh but he sounds like a total nob and like he's had a very easy ride financially for a long long time. He needs a reality check.

Why don't you ask HIM to drop to 3 days a week and then see how he feels. My OH is soooo so tight with his money but he KNOWS that he has to support us both financially as a family when we have a baby. We live in 2020 for goodness sake, this idea of men holding power over finances MUST stop!

God forbid my OH was as difficult as yours, I'd be going straight back to work and be asking for shared maternity leave and shared child care.

Make sure he pays for the nursery day when it comes around.

Make sure you also have spending money for yourself, and access to money to buy clothes etc for DD when needed.

Scared of his reaction, not of him hurting me or anything.

Being scared of him - whether it's of his reaction or of physical violence - is neither normal nor acceptable.

He's out of line.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he isn't abusive in any other way or at least not that I am aware of. He's no saint obviously but he loves his daughter and he and I have an ok relationship- it's been a hard year having a newborn! I'd say we are more like friends than husband and wife- I'm carrying more weight and feel unattractive so our sex life is virtually nonexistent. And I'm tired and stressed as I'm trying to look after my baby and also studying for my degree online. I don't ever have time to myself to relax and it's only when I'm basically having a meltdown that he will give me a lie in or take DD out for a few hours. I feel pretty low right now

I don't ever have time to myself to relax and it's only when I'm basically having a meltdown that he will give me a lie in or take DD out for a few hours.

Why am I not surprised? Twats like this see spending time with their own children as women's work, and all the support of their children, too. Cannot believe he expected you to get fucking benefits to pay for his child whom he is more than able to support.

This will NOT improve. Do not have another child with him because you want two.

I'd move towards returning to work FT, he pays half of all childcare.

And stop spending your savings! You need it as a deposit to get away from him. He's financially abusive. Abusive.

You lost me at £33K in savings

He doesn't see you as a team and he's selfish
Don't accept this anymore

OP...you are married to a selfish, financially abusive man. Set the bar higher for you and your daughter. I mean this in the kindest way possible as it's hard to see when you are living this abuse as a daily norm.
If he loves his daughter as he says he does, the very least he should do is provide for her and treat her mother as an equal and with some respect...

The relationship is not OK. He is financially abusing you.
Please make this real.
Can you talk to someone in real life about this?
A parent or good friend?

You also need to get something permanent in place with regards to having some down time.
One morning at the weekend YOU get a lie in!
And one evening a week, he takes on the full load and you get out or just go to the bedroom to read. Or a long hot bath.
Anything but you need down time. You cannot keep having meltdowns. It's so bad for your mental health.
HE really needs to know all about all of this OP.
Stand up for yourself and your DD.
This is NOT OK!

I'd really try and nip this in the bud now if you can. I'm currently watching my sister struggle after 20 year of her husband being a selfish self centred pig who expects her to put half for everything even when she was on maternity and he earned 5 times more than her. If it's not sorted now it could get worse. She's recently given up work due to a serious back injury and although he's covering the bills like he should do he accuses her of leeching off him. I've had to send her money for sanitary products this week! He will not give her a penny if "his money"

You poor thing, he sounds like an absolute tool.

You are married now and need to pool your financial resources.

You dipping into your savings to live / buy HIS child things makes me want to cry for you.

I'd tell him that unless it's sorted you are going back to work full time.

And wtf is he planning to do with his massive lot of savings, go tripping around the world leaving his wife and daughter stuck at home??

The fact he still gets money from his parents is also laughable.

Op you need a plan to leave. He is appalling. It wont get better. Whats the aim of your degree?

I have to say I do come from a different age.
My DH puts all his wages per month save a few hundred into the joint account.
I have a PT job and that gets mostly for shopping and other items, although I set some aside for treats and nights out.
If financially we are struggling than we are both struggling, if we are doing well ( in the distant past) than we are both doing well.
It would not occur to me that in a marriage or LTR, that one could be fine and the other not.
OP, I would certainly find your DH behaviour awful, saying that I have seen enough posts here where ppl have been advised to keep secret accounts from their half or not to share any individual windfall, which I guess is the same attitude.