Can’t get over the fact another woman is getting my happy ending

[Rainbowdash90]

Hi,

I don’t want to ramble so I’ll try and make this as short as I can.

I was with my ex for 8 years, we got together in college and back then we had no stresses and everything was perfect. We had a great relationship most of the time. However he suffers with depression and was up and down a lot, when he was down it was hard but I stuck by him and just accepted that during his lows, he needed to be left alone and I just needed to be there if he needed me.

After 2 years of being together he randomly broke up with me as he got a new stressful job and said everything was too much and he felt like having a breakdown. A few weeks later he came back saying he wanted to get back together, so we did.

It seems like as we have gotten older and more stressed have come into our lives (like paying rent/bills, car, full time job etc) the more debilitating his depression became. I tried to help and said to go to his GP, counselling etc but he wouldn’t.

Anyway at the 7 year mark I became pregnant (unplanned but happy) Ex was originally shocked but excited. I soon noticed the pressure of being a dad got to him and he became extremely depressed again, not getting out of bed, feeling tearful. I offered to find him a brilliant counsellor and pay the full fee but he said he didn’t believe in all that.

So DD was born and the first month he was brilliant, really felt like a little family and we were happy.

When DD was about 3 months (he had not long started back at work) he started getting depressed again. I said Ill support him no matter what but after a few more weeks he decided he was going to leave me. He moved back to his parents (close by still) obviously I was distraught and found it incredibly difficult with DD mainly on my own.

Since then he’s had some real low moods to the point I was worried about suicide. I tried to do all I could by once again saying I am here anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I’ll add that he regularly sees DD and when he’s with her he’s great. Can’t fault him when it comes to being a father.

DD is now 18 months and ex recently decided to go to his GP to get help. I said I was proud of him and all that. He was prescribed anti depressants and started seeing a counsellor.

I’ve noticed a huge change in him these past few months and he hasn’t had any lows. He even hinted about coming back to live with us.

All seemed well until 2 weeks ago when I found out he had been on a few dates with a woman from his work. He asked her to be his girlfriend and since then he’s treated her like princess, they go on days out, are planning holidays abroad and talking about going to a festival in summer.

This is particularly hurtful as he was always too depressed to go on holiday with me, he said he couldn’t face it due to his low mood.

It seems that now he’s finally gotten help with his depression, and is on the up, he’s quickly gotten a new girlfriend and is living it up. He’s happy all the time now and has no lows, so basically the new gf is getting the life I wanted (holidays and day trips) I’m probably worrying too much but I keep thinking what if they get engaged/married/have DC? That’ll be the happy ending I always wanted and yet it’ll be someone else’s.

I feel utterly shit, I supported him 100% the last 8 years and I feel as though it’s been thrown in my face.

I need some outside perspective on this, am I being silly? How long will I feel shitty for? Do I deserve this? Did I handle anything badly?

I cannot describe the hurt I am feeling right now, it’s painful and yet I have to put on a brave face for DD.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this

I'm sorry, you have had it tough, but sometimes relationships don't work out. She's not getting your happy ending, because it wasn't yours, it is not an entitlement. You need to try to accept that and move on. 💐

You didn't handle anything badly. You did your very best to support him, and to encourage him to get help. That's pretty amazing. You have helped to make a big difference to his life.

It is shitty that you are not the one who is benefitting. That is crap.

However, your dd will benefit from having a Dad who is more stable, and that is a good thing.

I don't know how 'happy' this sounds, or if it's even an 'ending'. Depression is depression so he may be stable right now with medication and a new relationship but everyone's mental health fluctuates, he hasn't been cured

Is he trying to be a father at all? Supportive? That should be your priority here, now that he's in a bit of an upswing.

If he was too depressed to go on holiday, or be a dad, or do anything... find someone better. Someone out there who will have energy for you

You might better thinking that you’ve dodged a lifetime of misery and you can look forward to meeting someone who will make your life better.

It’s totally understandable that you feel like this as it’s not how you wanted things to go, however I agree with pp that you should try not to see it as ‘your happy ending’ that someone else is getting. People grow and change and you got together young, he doesn’t seem to want to be in a relationship with you anymore and he has found happiness elsewhere. That hurts but it’s just life. Focus on yourself and your dd now and you will find your own happiness too at some point.

Hi OP,

Firstly, you are note being silly and I totally understand you being hurt and upset. You stuck with him through the hard times and now it feels like he is giving the good times to someone else.

You did nothing to deserve this, it is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling.

Try and focus on the ways in which your life is better now. It sounds like his MH dominated your lives and you were unable to rely on him.

Also, don't idealise the relationship he now has. Relationships are easy at the beginning: Everything is new and exciting and there are no expectations.

Hopefully, he will be a better father to your DD now and you can focus on prioritising your needs and maybe finding someone who is able to really be there for you in a way that he wasn't.

Yes, you need to change your mindset. He could have stolen your real happy ending from you, but now you have every chance of going out and getting it.

I'm sorry it seems like she will have the best of him, but I bet she won't.
How long before he gets fed up of this one and becomes depressed and hard to live with.
You'll probably not see her for dust.
Your relationship with him was good in the early stages too, but you know it doesn't last, she doesn't yet.

He is dating her, they aren't anywhere near marriage/kids or a "happy ending"

I'd start by realising he may never be anyone's happy ending, and least of all yours, and your happy ending is yet to come.

Your happy ending will be to learn not to put up with sooooo much shit for soooooo long.

He was responsible for his MH. He took years to fix it (might still be fragile or temporary).

Turn your back on him and focus on your lovely DD. Have positive thoughts and emotional energy for her - not negative draining ones for him. He doesn’t deserve your mental energy - it won’t achieve anything anyway. Conserve it and direct it for your DD - she needs your calmness and consistency.

OP it’s been a few weeks. This is very much the furthest thing from a happy ending. They’ve literally just met. He’s in an “up” period. You know him well enough to know that doesn’t last. He is who he is- she will likely have the same experience with him as you did once they get past the honeymoon stage they’re at now. You’re massively overreacting. No-one has your happy ending.

Someone once advised me, 'If you want a happy life then share it with a happy person'

From what you've said I don't think you would have had a happy life with this man, despite him getting help with his depression.

You tried your best. You and your DD can create your own happy ending without him.

He has freed you to find your own- I promise you- you will look back and be grateful one day. He just wasn’t right for you.

I hope the pain passes soon

I am sorry and I can see why it rankles. One positive immediately - you weren't the one who bailed on him so your actions can'y come back to haunt you with guilt. I am still dealing with guilt at asking for a divorce 7 years on. I should have worked at it. The guy I fell in love with and ended my marriage for dropped me the month after and he has been with someone since that moment. Sometimes I watch their relationship on twitter as they both use it a lot. So I got bitten by some kind of karma. That's not going to happen to you at least. You sound like a great person and that stays as you move forward. Be kind to yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong OP and I can understand your profound hurt and disappointment, but this isn't anyone's 'happy ending'. Your ex is still a man who suffers from debilitating depression and just because he's gone on anti-depressants and found a new gf it doesn't mean that everything is going to be hunky dory from now on. Depression like he has doesn't just disappear and everything is rosy in the garden thereafter. TBH, I think you've had a lucky escape and I hope that in time you will feel able to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on to have a much happier and better relationship with someone else who is not too depressed to participate in life with you. You've been living a half-life with this man, due to his MH and while you did your best to support him he did pretty much fuck all to support or help you. Take some time for yourself, get some counselling/therapy if you feel you'd benefit from it, but I'm willing to bet than in time you'll feel like you dodged a bullet when he found someone else

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies, thank you.

I can see a lot of your points, it still feels so raw so I suppose it’ll get better in time.

It’s hard as I’m not looking to date whilst DD is so young, but a lot of my family and friends are advising me to. I don’t think I want that right now.

I’ve been overthinking like crazy and I suppose it is a little silly to think they’re going to get married when they’ve only been together 2 weeks. I tend to catastrophise situations a lot.

I’m overwhelmed with everyone’s advice so far though so thank you

Your happy ending is yet to come, focus on yourself and your DD. It took a while but I reckon you've dodged a bullet.

He’s in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship.

She isn't getting the happy ending. She is getting more or less the same beginning that you did. Only time will tell what ending she has.

Now you know that he won't be coming back to you, you can start to look to the future for you and your daughter. Let him do what he likes, and you do the same. It's normal to grieve for the end of a relationship, especially if he has been stringing you along about coming back. This is in no way the end for you, it's just the final end of your relationship with him.

Sounds like you gave him absolutely everything and he’s thrown it back in your face.

You’re better off without him even though it doesn’t seem that way. Don’t let him come crawling back.

I know it’s painful for you
But leopards don’t change their spots

His ups , downs , dramas and depression will be fairly ongoing . I can’t see a pill changing him permanently

I also think you have dodged a bullet

Your new path for now is a single
Mother and your DD

Whatever happens at his end and with his depression is not your
Concern . But I’ll bet he won’t have a happy fairy tale everr after .

Hard to swallow , but life with a depressive is much much harder

You had a lucky escape. Chances are he'll relapse at some point.
Would you honestly want a child to be around that atmosphere? You've still got time to move on with someone else and make a life and have plenty of holidays.

He's in the honeymoon stage of this relationship so it's a given that he will be 'up' rather than down. Believe me when it turns more serious and she starts wanting the commitment you had with him and probably a baby...he will more than likely relapse. Sounds like you are an amazing person who gave him 100% support, I hope you meet someone else more deserving of your time x

You did get a happy ending. Your DD and freedom. Just not the one you had planned, but in the long run , better.

I think you have dodged a bullet op. It sounds like life has been exhausting for you. It was all about him, wasn’t it? You cannot get back the years you have wasted waiting for him to have good days but you can embrace the years to come without him.