Can’t get over the fact another woman is getting my happy ending

[Rainbowdash90]

Hi,

I don’t want to ramble so I’ll try and make this as short as I can.

I was with my ex for 8 years, we got together in college and back then we had no stresses and everything was perfect. We had a great relationship most of the time. However he suffers with depression and was up and down a lot, when he was down it was hard but I stuck by him and just accepted that during his lows, he needed to be left alone and I just needed to be there if he needed me.

After 2 years of being together he randomly broke up with me as he got a new stressful job and said everything was too much and he felt like having a breakdown. A few weeks later he came back saying he wanted to get back together, so we did.

It seems like as we have gotten older and more stressed have come into our lives (like paying rent/bills, car, full time job etc) the more debilitating his depression became. I tried to help and said to go to his GP, counselling etc but he wouldn’t.

Anyway at the 7 year mark I became pregnant (unplanned but happy) Ex was originally shocked but excited. I soon noticed the pressure of being a dad got to him and he became extremely depressed again, not getting out of bed, feeling tearful. I offered to find him a brilliant counsellor and pay the full fee but he said he didn’t believe in all that.

So DD was born and the first month he was brilliant, really felt like a little family and we were happy.

When DD was about 3 months (he had not long started back at work) he started getting depressed again. I said Ill support him no matter what but after a few more weeks he decided he was going to leave me. He moved back to his parents (close by still) obviously I was distraught and found it incredibly difficult with DD mainly on my own.

Since then he’s had some real low moods to the point I was worried about suicide. I tried to do all I could by once again saying I am here anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I’ll add that he regularly sees DD and when he’s with her he’s great. Can’t fault him when it comes to being a father.

DD is now 18 months and ex recently decided to go to his GP to get help. I said I was proud of him and all that. He was prescribed anti depressants and started seeing a counsellor.

I’ve noticed a huge change in him these past few months and he hasn’t had any lows. He even hinted about coming back to live with us.

All seemed well until 2 weeks ago when I found out he had been on a few dates with a woman from his work. He asked her to be his girlfriend and since then he’s treated her like princess, they go on days out, are planning holidays abroad and talking about going to a festival in summer.

This is particularly hurtful as he was always too depressed to go on holiday with me, he said he couldn’t face it due to his low mood.

It seems that now he’s finally gotten help with his depression, and is on the up, he’s quickly gotten a new girlfriend and is living it up. He’s happy all the time now and has no lows, so basically the new gf is getting the life I wanted (holidays and day trips) I’m probably worrying too much but I keep thinking what if they get engaged/married/have DC? That’ll be the happy ending I always wanted and yet it’ll be someone else’s.

I feel utterly shit, I supported him 100% the last 8 years and I feel as though it’s been thrown in my face.

I need some outside perspective on this, am I being silly? How long will I feel shitty for? Do I deserve this? Did I handle anything badly?

I cannot describe the hurt I am feeling right now, it’s painful and yet I have to put on a brave face for DD.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this

Just to warn you that he probably relies on you for dumping emotionally I would shut that side of your relationship down now he isnt your partner he is your ex and keep things child related from now on treat him like a dr or nurse they dont tell you about their personal life neither should he

Just remember that you no longer need to 'support' him. You aren't (and never were, really) responsible for his happiness.

Take all that emotional energy you were using to support him and re-direct it to yourself. You'll heal faster and begin moving forward more quickly if you do.

It seems to me that this man chooses when to be well and when not to be well

This is a fantastic article and I think you might get some comfort from it:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

You will get your happy ending, just not with him. Be realistic, he is very likely to relapse again, and you will spend your life propping him up and helping him get through it. You deserve better and you will get better, I'm sure.

She's not getting YOUR happy ending. She might be getting HER happy ending - but equally, she might well not.

It's a new relationship - everything's fresh and new. His depression treatment is finally starting to kick in. Everything's rosy. But what will the situation look like in a couple of year's time? What if he doesn't keep up with his treatment? What if he slides back into depression? She'll end up in the same situation as you.

I had an ex like this - he came and went several times. He wouldn't get help for his depression. I was blamed for all his problems. He'd disappear off for a while, start chasing some other woman thinking she'd be a cure all for his problems. It would go swiftly pear-shaped and he'd be back. I was weak at the time and took him back 3 times! He's now gone for good and he's still on his own and still depressed. I get occasional phone calls about how terrible his life is. My life is getting better and better. It was awful at first without him but I now realized how draining it was.

He sounds like he sucks the life out of you - you need to "support" him all the time. My ex would disappear as soon as I had any difficulties and wasn't able to be there for him all the time.

I think that you have to face up to the fact (as I did) that no matter how much you love him and how much you want to help him, you're just not compatible. It could also be that something about your personality and the way it connects with him doesn't help either him or you mentally and therefore you and he would be better off with someone else who is a better match. It's a hard thing to face up to but I think you'd be better off starting to look at yourself and your own life and trying to forget about him. And if it goes wrong with this new gf in 6 months or so because she's not "supporting" him enough and the feelings of depression start to overwhelm him again, don't take him back!!

I could have written this myself. I'm in the exact same situation. It's really tough knowing the OW is getting all the nice dates and days out.

Especially when my ex has now stopped paying any maintenance because he 'can't afford it'

One piece of advice. Keep your dignity and your head held high. Let them get on with it - things are always 'perfect' in the early stages of relationships

@pinkhighlighter2 I'm sorry that's awful. Are you ok?

I don't have any experience with child maintenance so could be completely wrong, but can't you challenge him on this?

I agree with @SilverSurfer2020 — it wasn’t your job to fix him, but you placed yourself in that position, and he took and took and cast you as his mummy, who had to be grown away from. Don’t let yourself be put in that position again — you’re no one’s default fallback or emotional cheerleader. (And make sure you don’t fall back into that role with him.)

But I also think he’s situationally perky at the moment, and that facade may well fall away when things are less ‘initial golden glow’ with the new girlfriend. She may well tell him to bugger off and gloom on someone else if it does.

I wish I could thank you all individually, I’ve read each and every comment too.

I think I’m looking back at our relationship with rose tinted glasses. I forget all the times I had to cancelled a meal or an event because he couldn’t get out of bed. Or the day I begged him not to leave me and DD and he walked out in silence.

I don’t want to be harsh when speaking about him as I know he battles with MH.

Oh wow, you could have written my life story OP! Hopefully a glimpse into my actual "happy ending" will give you some hope.

My ex and DS dad had mental health problems throughout our relationship and they got significantly worse when his dad died - he was suicidal, I begged him to get help, supported him financially to do whatever job would make him happy, offered to take up exercise/go to the doctors with him. In the end, none of this worked and the relationship very nearly turned violent until one night it imploded and ended for good.

The next few years were very hard at times - I essentially became a single parent raising our child 100% of the time by myself (he wouldn't commit to seeing our son), had to change jobs so I could be there for my 5 year old, found it so hard to sleep by myself. I felt bereft - I had lost my best friend who I had planned my future with and thought I still loved him. I missed him so much. I went to counselling after about 8 months and I realised after a period of time that I'd actually been in a very emotionally abusive, unhealthy relationship (not saying you were, just telling you my story) with a narcissist and that nothing I would have done or offered him would have made him happy. This helped a lot because I realised....it wasn't my fault. I went over and above to support someone who had NO interest in helping themselves and that no matter what I did, my "happy ending" would have never been with him.

So I started going on dates after a while, more just to get out of the house and meet new people - my son was about 6 and I wasn't looking for a "happy ending", just a bit of company with a person I enjoyed. I had a few short term relationships, but they didn't pan out for whatever reason and that was ok. I was ok. I had my own house, had a place at uni to retrain in a new career, my son was turning into an incredible young man, solely raised by me - I couldn't even imagine being with anyone in a long term relationship again, parenting with someone again, basically I didn't want to share my life with anyone. In short, now I look back, I realise I'd made my own "happy ending."

Then, when my son was 7, I met my current fiance, and I knew instantly it was different. I won't make you sick by telling you all the ways he's different to my ex and how incredibly happy he makes me, but I will tell you this. He were engaged with 9 months (hated the idea of marriage before him), he moved in permanently after 16 months, and in Sept, 10 years to the day of falling pregnant with my first son, I'm now pregnant again. I trust him with all my heart about every single aspect in my life but at the same time am rooted in reality and know that sometimes, things don't work out. And if, in 5/10/15/20 years, we split up, I know I'd cope, because I have before.

My life has changed beyond all recognition since I split with my ex in 2014. I look back now and thank God I only had 1 child (and not loads like we planned!) with him and that I got out when I did. And you'll get there too 1 day. And that might be with someone or on your own. Ultimately, YOU are in control of your life. You cannot rely on anyone else to be your "happy ending", you have to make it yourself.

His MH issues don’t stop him also being a wanker, OP. Best wishes to you and your DD. Move on.

your happy ending is yet to come

^^ This

You are well rid of this loser!

Doesn’t sound like a happy ending at all. Sounds like the beginning of a cycle. Weren’t you both blissfully happy and stress free at the beginning of your relationship?

Try and let this one go, wether your ex’s relationship is successful this time round and he’s turned a corner or whether he’ll revert to the depressed person once the honeymoon period is over. Only time will tell.

Start taking steps to achieve your own happiness, and step away from your ex he’s the past now.

I suspect this relationship won’t last
But don’t let him back in your life in that way

You will be happy again with someone who values you and cherished you hopefully, and it just there when you are their emotional crutch.

To the narcissist a partner is just a source of supply, he squeezed everything he can out of you and now he wants a fresh resource to exploit

he's keeping you on the back burner though with hints that he wants to get back together.... just in case there's a bit more goodness that can be squeezed out of you for him to enjoy

OP you are the one with the happy ending. I don't wish your ex ill, but the truth of mental illness is that you often relapse. He's happy now because it's early days and there's no pressure, he's on a high. Once things settle and become serious the problems will return. I doubt it will last.

But you will be free. What you are suffering from is thinking that all the effort you put in was wasted, but think about what you've gained. When you live life, some of it is wasted in pursuing things we feel may make us happy but end up not doing so. Unfortunately you can't find out whether it will or not unless you invest the time.

You've gained a child, you're wiser, you have a better sense of who you are. And when the bitterness has subsided, I hope you'll realise that you also helped someone through a difficult time in their life (your ex) and that was a positive thing you did. Whether they appreciated it or not. He can never take that away from you. Sometimes we don't get treated as we deserve, but are the better person.

Good will come your way. Meanwhile one valuable lesson you can take in the next relationship is to ask for as much overall as you're putting in.

I'm sure this man is not the love of your life. He's yet to come.

It sounds as though you really tried. There's nothing more you could have done.

Let him move on. He's in the honeymoon stage so things feel great to him now, but probably not for long. Let her deal with the rubbish bit that will likely resurface soon.
You've got a brilliant chance now to move on, create a wonderful and happy life for you and your DD, find someone less demanding who will make you feel loved and happy.

On the tough days just think
back to... the day I begged him not to leave me and DD and he walked out in silence.

My ex used his depression as an excuse for everything - not going to work, not looking after his kids, not doing jobs around the house, not paying the bills and running up huge debts - and finally, for cheating on me. I'm not saying he DIDN'T have it but like your ex, he wouldn't get help the entire time he was with me, and you can't treat someone like absolute shite and then bleat "my depression made me do it". OH MY GOD it was so draining. I am still working on getting my energy back a year later. His depression made me depressed.

I sound like I'm bashing people with depression. But there is only so much you can do for them, encourage and support and try and persuade them to get Drs appointments (I made them for my ex, he wouldn't go) - there is only so much of your own life you can waste on trying to help someone who won't/can't be helped.

My ex walked out on me. He basically said I was the cause of all his "depression". Now he's fed up of that kind of life (a year of girls. nights out, freedom, whatever) and wants to come back to me for a family life again. He's feeling low again, his head is a mess, and wants me to prop him up. Be his carer. I'm at the stage where I'm going back to study for a new career (interview next week) and I REALLY hope ex stays where he is. He lives 100+ miles away currently. I am not going back to all that. It's not good around my young boys either.

OP there are a couple of really, lovely happy, energetic, motivated, sexy men out there with our names on we deserve much better than that kind of life.

I know right it seems absolutely impossible to see how any good could possibly come out of this but I promise you in time you'll see the light from the trees and be so glad everything worked out this way.

She's got a man who let you down so many times.

You can do SO much better! You and your beautiful DD have a much brighter future ahead of you and so for now, hold your head up, walk away from him and be confident in yourself knowing how much you have to offer!

Best of luck to you too. And here's to a happy and healthy 2020. You'll look back in a years time (/5 years/10 years) and it'll all be so different :)

Is he really such a great catch!?
I don't think so - you stuck with him through thick and thin, and when he finally takes your good advice, he's as happy as Larry with someone else. He's a selfish man in my opinion.
You sound far too good for him - find somebody that really appreciates and loves you that doesn't have the MH issues that he does.
FWIW, be very aware his honeymoon period could easily end and he might come running back to you.

Easy to say from an outsider's point of view, but I wouldn't take him and his mental health issues back as you'll constantly be worrying when he's going to run away from his responsibilities again.

Come on OP. It sounds like he caused you a lot of pain over the time you were together. I know its hard as you have a DC, but, do you want to deal with his downs for the rest of your life? As that is what will happen. You have your freedom. Grab it with both hands. Find someone who treats you right and brings you the sunshine he didn't

Aswell as that, remember, he will not change. He will do to her what he did you to you. He was selfish enough to leave you with a tiny DC and put himself first. Be thankful it is not your problem any longer

How long before he gets fed up of this one and becomes depressed and hard to live with.

This. For most depressives it is a life long illness and while things are on the up for him which is at least a good thing for your daughter there is no guarantee it will last ime.

You stuck by him because you are a sincere human being. And that’s the beauty that you will forever carry with you.. into your next relationship.

The relationship wasn’t working however. You were carrying the load of 3 , yourself, your ex and the relationship.. and even 4 wirh a newborn.

Maybe with counselling he realized he isn’t right for you. Maybe he suppressed his needs and feelings and it caused depression. He cared too much about you and didn’t want to end things but didn’t understands them concept of relationships and how he needs to be willing to commit and work towards things with you else he is stringing you along.

You got together young. His sense of self and how he expresses it wasn’t formed yet. He now wants to discover what he wants. And that might now be you. Even if you are amazing. Or maybe he just isn’t at the stage where he feels mature enough for a real long term relationship and is looking for things that are non committal or will buy him time to process things..

It’s nothing you have done. You did everything right. And you sound amazing and your happy ending is somewhere waiting for you. It might not look like how you imagined it. But it’s there and it will feel like one. Go find it.