Can’t get over the fact another woman is getting my happy ending

[Rainbowdash90]

Hi,

I don’t want to ramble so I’ll try and make this as short as I can.

I was with my ex for 8 years, we got together in college and back then we had no stresses and everything was perfect. We had a great relationship most of the time. However he suffers with depression and was up and down a lot, when he was down it was hard but I stuck by him and just accepted that during his lows, he needed to be left alone and I just needed to be there if he needed me.

After 2 years of being together he randomly broke up with me as he got a new stressful job and said everything was too much and he felt like having a breakdown. A few weeks later he came back saying he wanted to get back together, so we did.

It seems like as we have gotten older and more stressed have come into our lives (like paying rent/bills, car, full time job etc) the more debilitating his depression became. I tried to help and said to go to his GP, counselling etc but he wouldn’t.

Anyway at the 7 year mark I became pregnant (unplanned but happy) Ex was originally shocked but excited. I soon noticed the pressure of being a dad got to him and he became extremely depressed again, not getting out of bed, feeling tearful. I offered to find him a brilliant counsellor and pay the full fee but he said he didn’t believe in all that.

So DD was born and the first month he was brilliant, really felt like a little family and we were happy.

When DD was about 3 months (he had not long started back at work) he started getting depressed again. I said Ill support him no matter what but after a few more weeks he decided he was going to leave me. He moved back to his parents (close by still) obviously I was distraught and found it incredibly difficult with DD mainly on my own.

Since then he’s had some real low moods to the point I was worried about suicide. I tried to do all I could by once again saying I am here anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I’ll add that he regularly sees DD and when he’s with her he’s great. Can’t fault him when it comes to being a father.

DD is now 18 months and ex recently decided to go to his GP to get help. I said I was proud of him and all that. He was prescribed anti depressants and started seeing a counsellor.

I’ve noticed a huge change in him these past few months and he hasn’t had any lows. He even hinted about coming back to live with us.

All seemed well until 2 weeks ago when I found out he had been on a few dates with a woman from his work. He asked her to be his girlfriend and since then he’s treated her like princess, they go on days out, are planning holidays abroad and talking about going to a festival in summer.

This is particularly hurtful as he was always too depressed to go on holiday with me, he said he couldn’t face it due to his low mood.

It seems that now he’s finally gotten help with his depression, and is on the up, he’s quickly gotten a new girlfriend and is living it up. He’s happy all the time now and has no lows, so basically the new gf is getting the life I wanted (holidays and day trips) I’m probably worrying too much but I keep thinking what if they get engaged/married/have DC? That’ll be the happy ending I always wanted and yet it’ll be someone else’s.

I feel utterly shit, I supported him 100% the last 8 years and I feel as though it’s been thrown in my face.

I need some outside perspective on this, am I being silly? How long will I feel shitty for? Do I deserve this? Did I handle anything badly?

I cannot describe the hurt I am feeling right now, it’s painful and yet I have to put on a brave face for DD.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this

He may be "up" now but it likely won't last. He sounds, to me at least, like a selfish prick with depression not someone who's a selfish prick because he has depression.

There is every chance that he will come of his medication because he cannot be arsed to keep up with it or some random side effect will piss him off or he will mistakenly think he's cured.

The thing I would say be careful of is that he doesn't bounce between medicated up period and unmedicated down period while simultaneously bouncing from new woman to new woman, coming back to you with future faker promises to lure you back in so you can look after him and fill the woman shaped gaps between new girlfriends. A forgiving kind understanding woman such as you can waste an awful lot of her life on someone like him who will never provide her with what she needs so don't fall for any bullshit.

His new girlfriend is not stealing your happy ending, she is offering to wait for the shitty one he gave you to land slap bang on top of her head.

If he does end up with her though, at least you don't have to deal with his feelings making your life a fucking misery like it has mostly been doing by the sounds of it.

He doesn't deserve you anyway. Be strong.

Your happy ever after is yet to come OP ... it was not with him , you did nothing wrong ... enjoy your daughter , if you don’t feel ready to date yet don’t . Normally in life when we look back we see that things happen for a reason ... in 20 years time there is a very good chance that you will too ... as there is a very good chance there is someone out there who is an even better fit for you.

I also feel like you've dodged a bullet here but can completely understand how and why you feel the way you do.
You sound like you couldn't have been more supportive to be honest. Let him go, focus on yourself and your dd. I suspect someone better will come along in due course.

Unfortunately you have propped this man/child up for years and he probably resents you for it. My guess is he checked out of the relationship years ago but you've made it easy to stay and there were no other takers. Now that he's finally got his thing together he's taken himself off and is presenting his new shiny self to this other woman who doesn't yet know what or who he really is. He doesn't resent her because she doesn't know his flaws. There's sod all you can do about it. They might get married etc but you have to lead your own life. Good luck to her! He sounds like a pain in the ass! Make sure he's paying child/ support and I wouldn't let him have 50/50 access because he's unstable and clearly not capable of taking care of a child. You don't know what she's like either. If you want a happy ending, a wedding and all that, go out and get it. It won't be with him, and you can find better.

I really feel for you, this is crap for you. I understand what you mean about someone else having your 'happy ending', I can relate to that myself.

Don't beat yourself up. You did everything right, you were there for him and supported him. He hasn't appreciated it and, although you don't want to hear this, he is always going to be a drain on you if you carry on as you were.

As other posters have said, perhaps best out of it and better your child has a stable father rather than an unstable one.

He, on the other hand, is moving on. You may never know why. Maybe he associates his depression times with you. He is certainly in the honeymoon phase of a new woman, it won't last, it never does. Maybe they will stay together, maybe he will get depressed again, maybe she will or won't support him. Only time will tell, you will be torturing yourself thinking through all the options.

FWIW, I had a similar (though not quite the same) situation years ago. I moved on myself but have never forgotten, I also sometimes think to myself that "it wasn't meant to be like this"..... He, on the other hand, has remarried and has a small child, even after all these years it wasn't the ending I envisaged for us. But being realistic, I am better off without, it wasn't working and my doing all the giving and him all the taking wasn't what I signed up for either...

Firstly, you are a good person so it’s his loss. You went above and beyond to help him. Secondly, she’s getting the “good side”. Who’s to say when he’s under pressure again he does to her what he did to you? Hopefully he’s changed but who knows? That’s the point. You just can’t trust him. So it’s not a happy ending. In fact there’s no such thing as an ending at your age. You’ve got a lot of life in front of you. Start working out what you want from YOUR future. You shouldn’t be pinning a happy ending on a man! You are your own happy ending. Your DD is 18 months old. It’s time to get back out there. Have fun. Build a life. New people. You deserve that. Set your mind that your life is just beginning. You’re no longer tied down by him. Sign up to a fun evening class. Get out there! You can go anywhere and do anything. Exciting!! The next guy you pick could be the one who treats you like the Queen you are

Depression is a cycle...it will be back. You've dodged a life of misery. It was never going to be a happy ending.

You dodged a bullet. He’ll probably start messing her around when the honeymoon period is over.

I wouldn’t view a man who treated someone the way he treated you as a happy ending. If a man I was dating told me what you have said I’d stop seeing him.

You may not see it now but your role as his therapist can end for good. Guys like him never change and do you really want to be an therapist for the rest of your life?
When you are ready to date again just see the red flags ultra early. Let someone ( and there are some amazing mentally health guys out there) look after you.
Try not to be bitter but absolutely shut down any future therapy sessions with him. If he feeling so great let him be a great Father. Nothing else.
It became normal to be in a relationship like this and the amount of loyalty, support and love you unconditionally gave him. BUT it would have left a massive void.
Fill it with yourself, embrace being utterly self interested for you and little one for a while. He sounds hard work despite his MH issues, but you need to go low contact and know you did everything you could. 💐

Congratulations on your escape!

This is the time to build your support network, get maintenance and access locked down and cut off any chance of him wriggling back into your life!

Your happily ever after starts now.

She's not getting your happy ending, she's getting your dead weight. You are now free to make your own happy ending either happily single or with someone new. Life is about more than accomodating someone else's mental illness.

Essentially you sacrificed your own happiness on the alter of a future happy ending that was never yours

Thank god he’s found someone because if he hadn’t you’d probably waste another how many years, waiting for him to be someone different.

Sorry for the silence, I’ve been at work.
I can’t believe how much better I feel just from writing it all out, reading it back makes me sounds so bloody desperate and I can’t believe I was willing to carry on like that.

I’ve signed up to a pole fitness class tonight anyway as a little hobby/fitness thing on the side once a week

Feel better already, thank you everyone who has posted

Wow you have some spirit - good for you.

Keep it for yourself, DD and find space now for “radiator” friends in your life who will bring you fun and joy - now that you have turned off the emotional “drain” in your life.

And no he is not a good Dad. Remember that. But it’s his loss - you can have all of those golden moments with your DD to yourself.

Op she isn't getting the better side of him, she is simply getting what you did at the beginning.
It won't last and if it does it only because she will put I with the crap you did.

I know this because I was the new woman ( after years of separation from his ex)
But at the beginning they are so amazing and fun, you can't imagine why anyone would lose this amazing guy until they get use to you or problems happen.
Then the real them comes out.
It's like starting a new job it's all amazing until you realise you still have to get up early, eat the same lunches and spend all you money on bills.

Got for you starting a new hobby, I might give it a go

He wouldn’t get help when he became a dad, he didn’t want to take his dd on holiday but he’s planning this amazing life with some woman from his work? What a cock.

I agree with pp’s advice not to get into emotional discussions with him. Treat him like a colleague you don’t like but need to get on with. Bright and cheery and businesslike and jolly. If he starts moaning about things were great at the start with Karen but she just doesn’t understand me like you dooooooo just be like oh dear i’m sorry to hear that, that must be very difficult, anyway dd’s had a sore bum so i’ve packed her some aqueous cream, don’t forget to put it on after her bath BIG SMILE

People don't change as massively as he appears to have changed, at least not in an enduring way.

It may be that he's not going on at you so much about his MH (lucky you!) he may even want to keep quiet about it so you're relatively impressed with him, and he can keep you on the back burner.

He'll of course be on his best behaviour and really pushing the boat out in terms of his behaviour and activities with his new GF.

I really doubt that it'll be long before she has to put up with it all. You mightn't even ever know what she has to put up with from him (if she stays with him) unless she tells you.

A lot of people on anti-depressants just stop them too early, so they're back to square one. Same goes for counselling.

Either way, you're free of the constant anxiety of not knowing when his mood will fall again and you have to live in a house where you breathe that atmosphere and can't relax.

Enjoy it! Just pity her- and him. :) Have fun- you can now. :) xxx

Seriously it will not last, once the lust wears off he will creep back to what he was when life gets in the way again. I think you are better off out of it.