Can’t get over the fact another woman is getting my happy ending

[Rainbowdash90]

Hi,

I don’t want to ramble so I’ll try and make this as short as I can.

I was with my ex for 8 years, we got together in college and back then we had no stresses and everything was perfect. We had a great relationship most of the time. However he suffers with depression and was up and down a lot, when he was down it was hard but I stuck by him and just accepted that during his lows, he needed to be left alone and I just needed to be there if he needed me.

After 2 years of being together he randomly broke up with me as he got a new stressful job and said everything was too much and he felt like having a breakdown. A few weeks later he came back saying he wanted to get back together, so we did.

It seems like as we have gotten older and more stressed have come into our lives (like paying rent/bills, car, full time job etc) the more debilitating his depression became. I tried to help and said to go to his GP, counselling etc but he wouldn’t.

Anyway at the 7 year mark I became pregnant (unplanned but happy) Ex was originally shocked but excited. I soon noticed the pressure of being a dad got to him and he became extremely depressed again, not getting out of bed, feeling tearful. I offered to find him a brilliant counsellor and pay the full fee but he said he didn’t believe in all that.

So DD was born and the first month he was brilliant, really felt like a little family and we were happy.

When DD was about 3 months (he had not long started back at work) he started getting depressed again. I said Ill support him no matter what but after a few more weeks he decided he was going to leave me. He moved back to his parents (close by still) obviously I was distraught and found it incredibly difficult with DD mainly on my own.

Since then he’s had some real low moods to the point I was worried about suicide. I tried to do all I could by once again saying I am here anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I’ll add that he regularly sees DD and when he’s with her he’s great. Can’t fault him when it comes to being a father.

DD is now 18 months and ex recently decided to go to his GP to get help. I said I was proud of him and all that. He was prescribed anti depressants and started seeing a counsellor.

I’ve noticed a huge change in him these past few months and he hasn’t had any lows. He even hinted about coming back to live with us.

All seemed well until 2 weeks ago when I found out he had been on a few dates with a woman from his work. He asked her to be his girlfriend and since then he’s treated her like princess, they go on days out, are planning holidays abroad and talking about going to a festival in summer.

This is particularly hurtful as he was always too depressed to go on holiday with me, he said he couldn’t face it due to his low mood.

It seems that now he’s finally gotten help with his depression, and is on the up, he’s quickly gotten a new girlfriend and is living it up. He’s happy all the time now and has no lows, so basically the new gf is getting the life I wanted (holidays and day trips) I’m probably worrying too much but I keep thinking what if they get engaged/married/have DC? That’ll be the happy ending I always wanted and yet it’ll be someone else’s.

I feel utterly shit, I supported him 100% the last 8 years and I feel as though it’s been thrown in my face.

I need some outside perspective on this, am I being silly? How long will I feel shitty for? Do I deserve this? Did I handle anything badly?

I cannot describe the hurt I am feeling right now, it’s painful and yet I have to put on a brave face for DD.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this

And by the way

It’s very hard to dump a depressive . There is always guilt and emotional issues for the dumpee . It’s hard

He has now given you a very easy and simple way to cut loose . Honestly . It’s a good thing in the long run .

I’d be making plans to 100% separate , get yourself stable and avoid any emotional chit chat

As the alternative is years and years more of this misery

His depression isn’t miraculously cured. It will I am sure rear it’s ugly head when he is faced with life’s stressful situations. It is very sad that he has a mental illness and you have been very very supportive of him. But it is time for you. You and ur DC. You need to change ur perspective on things. See this as a great thing . He has seeked help. He is getting help and he is moving on. You are now able to do the same without worrying about him. The world is yours now. Embrace your future and stop looking in the past.
I wish you ( and him ) every happiness. 💐

There is no happy ending. He's just in the first stages of a relationship - of course they are blissfully happy and making loads of plans! It's just what happens.

Focus on your daughter and don't get sucked into looking at his social media, etc. It will make you feel awful. No one likes the thought of someone they love being happy with someone else but you will find someone in time. And you'll not feel this way forever.

8 yes of being depressed and not being able to handle any stress but now he's "cured" in 18 months - yeah.

Wait and see op.

He's actually been a shit partner to you (and I would fault him as a dad cause he moved out and left you to the majority of the work, back in with his parents like a teenager, when he in fact had the equal responsibility for a baby) ... Could question your wisdom in being willing to take him back. He sounds like a flaky, miserable, unstable, irresponsible, man child.

He's fine with her at the moment cause it's all fun and games, but relationshios don't stay like that - esp.if/when people want to have kids.

You d been far too accomodating and supportive for far too long,bid actually look into why you've ways been ok with being a fixer, and supporter and mammy for so long - done women are like this and if does them absolutely no favours in life.

Is he still living with his parents?
When he has contact with DD, are you sure that it's not his parents actually taking care of DD and not her dad?
Does he pay regular maintenance?
Is he back in work?

These feelings of resentment will pass as they should. Just concentrate on being the best co-parents as you can be (but have a plan in mind when he ditches your DD to spend time with the girlfriend).
Good luck to you.

As some one who has clinical depression, I can tell you now OP, he isn't cured. He will get ill again and she will deal with what you dealt with. Like PP, I think you had a lucky escape. He left you to raise his child alone, after years of you putting him first and sacrificing your own happiness to try and cure him. There is no cure, he needs to learn to manage his own mental health. You need to put yourself and DD first now, he's had enough support from you now, he can't be your priority anymore now that you are a mother.

He sounds like a shitty partner so him Moving on is your happy ending. Focus on you and your baby and I'm sure you will see that in time.

You’ve definitely dodged a bullet. He sounds like he can’t handle real life so in this honeymoon stage everything is so exciting ... but when it gets serious and he needs to think of bills, house stuff, money then it will all go down the pan again.
You sound like someone with a lot to give and he sounds like someone who will take and take but not give.

You can find someone better than him. Someone who can handle normal adult life and that you wont have to carry. How did he support you during your 8 years together?

You don't have to date if you don't want to, focus on yourself.

I used to refer to this as someone else was cashing in my cheque.
I did all the work, I was faithful and caring and accepted all the difficulties of the relationship (I paid in) for years.
When we split up he quickly married his new partner and had a baby (we didn’t have children).
I felt like I had paid in everything I had and she cashed in the cheque!

Now, years later, I know I was never going to ‘cash in’ with this man because we were never really meant to be together. If it was a good relationship I shouldn’t have had to work so hard at it.

Take time to reflect and heal. Be kind to yourself. Maintain the relationship between him and his child.

Only when you are ready, get back out there and find your own happy ending.

I'm sorry that you are suffering OP
My take on this is that he is in the honeymoon phase with this new woman, when that's over he will want to drag her through the same cycle of shit that he put you through

This is such a common fear, don't worry OP you are not alone.

He is NOT going to be better with someone else. Who he is, is who is.

Now you have a chance to live life on your terms without being dragged down. Depression is deeply self absorbed and really hard to live with.

It hurts now, but it won't always.

When she starts expecting him to step up and take responsibility, to do some of the hard work etc he will respond by becoming ill and not being able to cope

I think the treating her like a princess is a red flag, this man cycles through highs and lows, this is a very destabilizing and stressful way to live

The Fear That They’re Going to Be Better for Someone Else
June 19, 2013 by Chump Lady

I get the same letter here at Chump Lady over and over again. It goes like this:

I know he’s a liar and a cheat. He did 14,357 unspeakable things (all described). I can’t let go because I know if I do, he’s going to change and be different for the other woman! And after all this work I’ve done, all this history we have, I will miss out! I wouldn’t be able to bear it — the two of them together being perfect while my life sucks! Help.

(Forgive the gender pronouns. It works in reverse too. Men have the same fears their wives will be fabulous for the other man.)

I suffered from a bad case of They’re Going to Be Better for Someone Else myself. Which, when I look back on it, was pretty delusional. I was wife #3 and all the marriages ended over his infidelities. Years later, I got the validation as well that he’s still the same old scumbag when someone wrote a profile on him at Cheaterville.com, saying he targets single mothers. (I was a single mother. The OW was a single mother… with his kid.) Oh, but at the time of the marriage, I was truly stricken by the thought that I was going to miss out on something wonderful if I got Mr. Cheaterpants out of my life.

Because, you know, he did the “remorse.” He did the therapy. And the problem was, I wasn’t patient for the results. Or so he told me. It didn’t seem to be sticking, all that insight and sorriness. But when I thought that the OW would get him? Suddenly I could imagine him 100% new and improved… for her.

WTF?

What is going ON here?

A few thoughts.

1. You’ve bought into the idea at some level that the problem is you. You’re not special. You’re not worthy. They only act this way because you are lacking in some fundamental way. The Reconciliation Industrial Complex bombards chumps with this message too. What was missing from the marriage that made them cheat? And cheaters are so very good at the blameshifting, sending you the same message, that hey you suck, you didn’t do enough to keep me satisfied. All you know for sure is that you aren’t enough. Then they try to keep you off balance so you’ll do the Pick Me dance so they can keep eating cake. It’s all very natural to wonder if the other person isn’t the magic elixir that will make them happy.

Because that is what’s important here — their happiness. You’ve bought into that too.

2. You’ve been on ego kibble starvation rations. When you’re with a cheater narcissist, you give an infinite number more kibbles than you receive. We all need some kibbles, especially from our partners. But when you’re on starvation kibble rations, those kibbles take on an inflated value. Every now and then, your cheater will sparkle, just enough to keep you hooked. And being at the center of the laserbeam of sparkles is addictive. So when you see your partner turning on the sparkles for someone else? You turn into Gollum. My precious kibbles! My precious!

They like it like that. Keeps you dancing for them. Keeps them in cake.

3. You have tunnel vision because of the sunk costs. It’s galling and depressing beyond words to consider the wasted time and energy spent on a bad relationship. You want something for your investment. You’ve been putting fistfuls of quarters into that slot machine and now it’s going to pay off for some other idiot? Hell no!

The house always wins. Your cheater is keeping the quarters. They already spent them. Sure, they might spit out a few here and there to keep you playing. But please just walk away. Let the next sucker play the rigged game.

4. I believe in miracles. Let’s say they change. Does it really change the 14,357 unspeakable things they did? I had to get to the point where I didn’t care anymore if he was Mr. Perfect for someone else. He wasn’t Mr. Perfect for ME. Those unspeakable things were deal breakers. I couldn’t trust him again. It was destroyed. I had to walk away from my investment.

Chumps need to trust that they suck. Could they be better? I suppose some of them could, sure. But they CHOOSE not to be. Put another way — they’re really good at selling, but not so good at sealing the deal. Who doesn’t love sparkles? You did. The other person does, now, at first. But for whatever reason, these people don’t enjoy commitment, they enjoy selling. They’re snake oil salesman. Like all salesmen, they project an air of exclusivity — act now! This is very, very special! But it’s rubbish, and then they’re on to the next town.

• chump lady.com

As someone with poor mental health myself I am sorry to hear that he has struggled, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour really.

He's been a crap partner to you and is apparently a bit of a Disney dad, showing up for the fun stuff only and leaving you all the work.

He's played you by hinting that he was going to move back in with you. That was pretty cruel.

All this new women has is a tentative relationship with someone who is very unreliable. I don't envy her because if she sticks with him she'll probably end up dealing with the same unreliability.

You sound like a wonderful supportive partner with a great deal to offer a new partner whenever you decide you are ready for that

I believe, from personal experience that you need to think about what you need to do to feel a sense of closure with this relationship. Possibly you have been hoping he would return? Possibly you have held out hope for a family with him still? Were you possibly thinking you were being a patient partner while he got better?

If so, you weren’t a mug, you were a patient caring person who simply had expectations that have not come to fruition

Please try to find the positive in this situation. By taking steps to improve his mental health he will be a better coparent. By seeing him move on with a new gf you can now reevaluate your own future

You are absolutely not wrong or silly for how you are feeling but please be motivated in a positive direction

Much love to you x

I supported my ex through some very tough times. We also laughed a lot, talked all night, shared our lives, discussed getting married, children, where we would live, and every time we would go away somewhere I would get so excited and kept thinking 'This is it!! He's going to finally propose!!' I knew he was 'the one'. But he never proposed. Then we went on an amazing trip. Got back and he told me 'let's start planning the next amazing trip' and in the middle of making plans he completely out of the blue anounces that he's leaving me, quiting his job and everything else and going traveling. I was utterly heartbroken but even more so when a year later he pops up married with a baby!

I know it hurts OP but try to move on and find happiness in your life. I think these things happen for a reason.

How about turning it upside down and thinking that you and your child have dodged a bullet? My partner grew up in a family with a depressive father who spent his life leaning on his wife and suffering all the financial and emotional turmoil that comes with having a dad sitting silently in a corner for month after month while mum struggled to support and care for everyone.

The drugs may turn out not to be a miracle cure in the long term and his new girlfriend may end up in the position you were in. But if he's genuinely better then he'll be able to work and pay child support and play a more positive role in his child's life.

Now you're free to look for someone who will appreciate all you have to offer.

Oh OP I really feel for you! I went through a very similar story (for less years) with threats of suicide, undiagnosed mental health issues and a tendency to his the flight button. Planned baby, got pregnant and he left. 2 years of back and to and he'll really. I was desperate to be a family so put up with it, he was all over the place with what he wanted and was seeing other girls.

You can only support someone so much but at some point you will realise that you are your happy ever after. Corny I know but true. Co parent and enjoy whatever you decide but I could never get over or trust him again and that's not what I want for my DS 😘

It's painful OP, but it sounds like you've already given him too many chances. Maybe this will give you the impetus to finally see him as being out of your life (except as DD's dad). No rush, but eventually you may be ready to let someone else into your heart.

What a hard and painful lesson for you.
I have no answers to your questions but they way you appear to have selflessly put his needs first reminds me a little of British bake off Paul and ex wife Alex Hollywood or even Ewan and ex wife Eve MacGreggor.
Moving forward I would suggest you teach your DD to learn from your heartache rather than repeat history.
Pleased that your family and friends are encouraging you to move forward without him, start writing a without ex list of things you want to achieve and go do it.

I'm sorry this happened to you. No one could blame you for feeling how you're feeling. It's lousy. A right kick in the nuts. I'd feel sickened if it were me.

However...it is all still very new. You will feel better in time. I promise. Try if you can to focus on all of positives in your life. Take pride in the fact that you were a decent enough person to stick with it and support your ex for so long. Many would have given up on him quickly.

You're obviously a very loyal and supportive person. Your own happy ending will come!

I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago.

Newly separated from my DH, who was finally doing all the things I’d asked him to do (stop drinking, see a counsellor, quit porn) but for his new girlfriend, not me. They started living together almost immediately.

5 years on and I’m happily remarried, XDH is a better dad to his daughter due to working on himself, and the new girlfriend has just moved out.
XDH and I are now really good co parents, we even ate Xmas dinner together this year.

If your ex is like mine, he is rubbish at being alone. The new girlfriend isn’t a judgement on you or your relationship with him, she’s a crutch to get him through.

The universe has better in store for you.

since then he’s treated her like princess

You don't know that, you are just thinking it because you are imagining this woman as the recipient of all the happiness you worked so hard for but did not receive.

Your ex is not "cured", he will always have to handle depression - he's just finally accepted that medication & therapy aren't bollocks after all (who knew?!). His new relationship will have highs & lows - you just won't see the lows on Facebook.

The hard part for you is now forgetting all about your ex's mental health & focusing entrely on your own. You are clearly resiliant, & determined: that much shines through your account of the relationship with ex. How about some counselling for YOU?
Starting with learning how to put yourself & DC firmly in the limelight? You have spent so many years facilitating & helping somebody else that I wonder how high you could fly if you gave even half the care & attention you lavished onto ex - to yourself?

It's understandable to feel bitter & resentful, but please remember, you are seeing ex's new relationship through the rose-tinted specs of longing. The thing to work on now is getting to a place where you don;t give 2 hoots about ex & his new woman because you are fulfilled & happy in your new life. Please access some kind of talking therapy that supports you in that goal & think long on this phrase -
"Self determination gets you through times of no man better than man gets you through times of no self-determination."

Good luck in your next chapter. It will be painful for a while, but the quicker you make up your mind to be self-fulfilling, the quicker that pain will recede.