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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother is controlled by his wife.

85 replies

Packit · 07/01/2020 00:01

My brother has been having affairs and his wife found out by reading his texts. This all happened 4 years ago. They have 3 grown up children.

Since then she has gone ballistic, claiming she has post traumatic stress disorder, they have a volatile relationship, sometimes violent, he stays away in hotels for weeks at a time, only going back to clean the house. She won’t divorce him as she feels not financially secure on her own. Instead she uses him as a housekeeper whilst she goes out a lot. She won’t get help for her ptsd but insists my brother is a sex addict and he now he goes to sex addict classes. He’s extremely keen to make his marriage work. 99.9% of women would’ve kicked him to the kerb.

She’s cherry picking what members of family she wants to associate herself with. She’s cutting out my dad, Who’s 94, my mum (written vile and poisonous emails to them both) and me, and disallowing my brother to see us.

She invited my ex and my grown up children over for a lunch over Christmas, along with her sister and her children. Obviously didn’t invite me, apparently invited my dad and mum but they declined as she has been so vile in person to them in the past.

I gave them all Christmas presents and a card, as usual I got nothing back. Not even from my brother.

I want to tell him to grow some balls and stand up to her. I want to punch her in the throat.

I would like to know how others would handle the situation. Would you disown them all ?

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 07/01/2020 00:23

Sounds completely toxic and your brother obviously isn't happy, else he wouldn't have had affairs.

Are his affairs the cause of her being so controlling or is her control the cause of his affairs?

Original poster
Packit · 07/01/2020 00:27

icanfly she’s controlling because of his affairs. I’ll admit he’s an idiot as he loves his wife. He said he did it because she gave him a lot of freedom, and he was curious.

I used to get on very well with my brother, but this is really tearing us apart.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2020 00:38

Your brother had multiple affairs “because she gave him a lot of freedom and he was curious”!!!!

You’re all as daft as brushes.

Shouldershrugger · 07/01/2020 00:47

Punch her in the throat... love that one.. sorry about your predicament op. Hope you can work things out with your brother at least

DrKnickerbocker · 07/01/2020 00:58

You all sound as toxic as each other.

Recipe for disaster.

zoobincan · 07/01/2020 01:00

You are vile about her.

12345kbm · 07/01/2020 01:06

Stand up to her? He's fucking around on her, bad mouthing her, there's violence. She has post traumatic stress because of your brother's behaviour. How is she treating him as a 'housekeeper'? Does she expect him to clean his own house?

It seems as though she's trapped in a marriage with a complete shit.

TacCat49 · 07/01/2020 01:35

Packit -
Surely your post is a wind up. If its not your brother needs to start some counselling to find out why he has no empathy toward his wife. The poor woman must be beside herself having to deal wih you lot who seem to have no real understanding of her situation. If someone wanted to punch my throat they certainly wouldn't be invited to Xmas dinner at my house. Violence is never an answer. An understanding s word will possibly go a long way.

Inappropriatefemale · 07/01/2020 01:38

Also if he genuinely wanted a divorce then he could apply, she doesn’t want to divorce him but she can’t stop him putting in for it.

She obviously has low self esteem which is why she’s putting up with your cunt of a brother.

wotsittoyou · 07/01/2020 01:46

Woah! Punch her in the throat? You're disgusting, it sounds like cutting you out was a good decision. Let's hope the breadth of her good judgement soon extends to her relationship with your brother and she drops him as well.

DonKeyshot · 07/01/2020 01:46

You're not your brother's keeper. If you can't befriend his wife and extend a hand of sympathy/solidarity to her, stay out of their marriage and let them work it out.

'Punch her in the throat'? You sound as violent as your db. Have you considered counselling for your anger issues?

Needtogetbackinthesack · 07/01/2020 02:32

My stbxh described emails I Sent to his family as vile and poisonous because I pointed out that he was a porn addict (thousands of pounds spent on sec chat lines) and violent (as evidenced by bruises and gp reports) and the parents made excuses for him. Your family sound just as bad - they really should be supporting this poor wife through the hell their son has put them through and accept their part in raising a monster who doesn't respect women and a sibling who describes his poor wife as vile and poisonous and exhibits violent tendencies. They must be so proud.

PointlessUsername · 07/01/2020 02:38

Why did your Ex & Children go for dinner if you were not invited?.

Have you made it known to her that you do not like her very much?.

Pixxie7 · 07/01/2020 03:14

Surely if he wants a divorce he could get one by separating from her otherwise it almost 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

BeetrootBasil · 07/01/2020 03:16

As you say he wants the marriage to work, I would leave them to it.

I know it is very hard when it's your brother, but he created this situation, it's his doing, he made his bed so to speak.

I do feel sad for your elderly parents if they cannot see their son but it sounds like she did invite them and they chose not to go either, so all a bit bad as each other?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/01/2020 03:19

I take it the violence you mentioned is towards your DB from her?

She's been punishing him for 4 fucking years. He needs to grow some balls and put in for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

If this all happened 4 years ago she can't divorce him for adultery - the time limit is 6 months from discovering evidence. After that the spouse is considered to have "condoned" the adultery.

Prevegen4U · 07/01/2020 03:28

Your 94 year old dad has an email account he still uses?

Booberella9 · 07/01/2020 03:29

Listen to me when I say that your brother is getting something out of all of this. He is not going to change or listen to reason. Your only option is to take several steps back. He is an adult, for whatever reason he has chosen to turn his life into a car crash. Step away, disengage, fill your thoughts with other things.

Deep down the real reason you are so angry is shame and sadness. It is humiliating to have a family member act like an utter tosser. It is also really sad as you had high hopes for him, you see his potential and he is not living up to it. Deal with your own feelings of guilt and loss, step back into your own life and out of his.

Frenchw1fe · 07/01/2020 03:32

They both sound awful. I'd leave them to get on with their lives. Your brother is an adult and if he chooses to stay with someone who apparently has ptsd because of affairs that's his business.

Sadiesnakes · 07/01/2020 03:39

Obviously a wind up or there is something fundamentally wrong with op's thought process...

S0upertrooper · 07/01/2020 03:44

You sound jealous that your DB is 'being controlled' by his DW and not you. I have a 'D'SIL who thinks I use mind control and witch craft on her DB, truth is he can't stand her but she just won't accept that. Time to but out OP and mind your own business.

Weffiepops · 07/01/2020 04:25

This all sounds quite messy, for the sake of the whole family I would turn up and be pleasant and polite and not get too involved. Disengaging from them all is passive aggressive so only do that if you are at the end of your tether.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 04:44

I can't believe that she's controlling through lack of trust yet let's him spend weeks on end away from home in a hotel.

If she's not financially secure herself I also can't imagine she'd be happy letting him spend all that money on hotels.

She hasn't cut your parents off - she invited them. They chose not to go. She didn't invite you because your ex was invited. If that was that bad your children would never have gone.

Your brother cheated because she was trusting of him. She treated him with respect and he responded by shagging about after at least 18 years together (they have adult children)? Was she a SAHM? Don't you think she might be the ones who's trapped and he might be the one who deserves a throat punch?

I'd probably cut you off too btw.

Aridane · 07/01/2020 04:45

Your brother needs to ditch her. So he cheated on her - this shit happens. He needs to cut his losses.

If, however, they are both adamant I. Persisting with the relationship, counselling will be required ASAP

JolieOBrien · 07/01/2020 05:02

@Packit

This is none of your business and you should leave your brother to sort out his own marriage. They both sound as bad as each other and I would stay well clear of the both of them if I was you.