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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother is controlled by his wife.

85 replies

Packit · 07/01/2020 00:01

My brother has been having affairs and his wife found out by reading his texts. This all happened 4 years ago. They have 3 grown up children.

Since then she has gone ballistic, claiming she has post traumatic stress disorder, they have a volatile relationship, sometimes violent, he stays away in hotels for weeks at a time, only going back to clean the house. She won’t divorce him as she feels not financially secure on her own. Instead she uses him as a housekeeper whilst she goes out a lot. She won’t get help for her ptsd but insists my brother is a sex addict and he now he goes to sex addict classes. He’s extremely keen to make his marriage work. 99.9% of women would’ve kicked him to the kerb.

She’s cherry picking what members of family she wants to associate herself with. She’s cutting out my dad, Who’s 94, my mum (written vile and poisonous emails to them both) and me, and disallowing my brother to see us.

She invited my ex and my grown up children over for a lunch over Christmas, along with her sister and her children. Obviously didn’t invite me, apparently invited my dad and mum but they declined as she has been so vile in person to them in the past.

I gave them all Christmas presents and a card, as usual I got nothing back. Not even from my brother.

I want to tell him to grow some balls and stand up to her. I want to punch her in the throat.

I would like to know how others would handle the situation. Would you disown them all ?

OP posts:
SaphfireRose · 07/01/2020 05:04

@Icanflyhigh brother obviously isn't happy, else he wouldn't have had affairs.

That is a very offensive argument, and one that is so outdated and such a myth I am surprised anyone still says it anymore. Men often have affairs 'just because they can', many men (and women) who have affairs do so for the thrill of it. Saying he had affairs 'because he wasn't happy' is a way of putting the blame on the wife, it is sexist and offensive, and not true at all.

SaphfireRose · 07/01/2020 05:06

OP, yes, your brother's wife sounds controlling but she's obviously had a lot to put up with, with regards to your brother. Personally they sound as bad as each other and deserve each other, imo.

Original poster
Packit · 07/01/2020 07:11

Thank you to those who took time to read the post properly. I feel so angry towards her for upsetting my elderly dad and my very sensitive mum. Yes he still has a study and computer, he’s very able in many ways but at his time of life he just wants peace.

We think my brother should leave his wife. She’s never liked me, and now has more of an excuse to cut me out.

I think you’re right that I should leave well alone. My parents have tried so hard to make amends with her, but it’ll never work. My brother doesn’t go and see my parents anymore, even though they live 5 minutes walk away.

Part of me thinks I should say to him that I won’t be interested in him anymore unless he either leaves her or she gets professional help.

OP posts:
NewYearNewTwatName · 07/01/2020 07:12

I want to punch her in the throat

You all sound fucking awful.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 07/01/2020 07:23

She invited your parents for a lunch over Christmas.

I think Booberella9 makes excellent points above (3.29am).

When you say you want to punch her in the throat - are you even aware that that reflects really badly on you? Your brother is an adult and makes all his own choices in life. Throat punching isn

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 07/01/2020 07:24

Throat punching shouldn't come into it at all.

Surfskatefamily · 07/01/2020 07:26

In sorry but if he stays away for weeks at a time how is it she leaves him home to be the housekeeper?
He does that and cheated big time so I dont particularly feel sorry for him.
He can divorce her too you know. It just takes longer when one party doesn't agree

Neither sound happy. Tell him to start divorce proceedings himself

Quartz2208 · 07/01/2020 07:32

You have a strange notion it’s all her fault and your brother is blameless which I suspect is why the current situation has occurred

Who is violent to whom

HandsOffMyRights · 07/01/2020 07:33

No wonder she doesn't like you with talk of throat punching.

If your brother wants to keep on having sex with other women and humiliating his wife then he needs to divorce her.
Is he financially controlling her also?

Syncplug · 07/01/2020 07:42

Your brother is an adult, he had what sounds like multiple affairs, probably while his wife was at home looking after his children. You say he stays in hotels for weeks at a time but goes back to the house just to clean, does that sound likely to you? You are hearing his side of the story, she doesn't sound particularly nice, but if your family want nothing to do with her then that's her perogative; aside from your parents everyone else sounds pretty horrendous to be honest.

sarahjconnor · 07/01/2020 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verily1 · 07/01/2020 07:52

You are bonkers!

Amaretto · 07/01/2020 08:19

Honestly? From your description, I’m not sure who is the most unhinged.

Your brother needs to start growing up a spine and leave his ex. Why in earth is he agreeing to go on classes for sex addicts if he isn’t? Why staying in a violent relationship when he already has moved out of the house anyway and they are not a couple?

And yur SIL clearly has some issues herself. I have to say I am a wondering about the PTSD. It sounds like either there is no PTSD or there was much going in than just the affairs.

Assuming there isn’t more going on than what you said, then the obvious answer is to support your brother. Be there for him, don’t meddle with their problems but just be there. Try to ensure that your SIL isn’t putting a wedge between you and he cuts contact (even though I appreciate it might be a bit late for that :()
Oh and be there for your parents too.

BeetrootBasil · 07/01/2020 08:19

@Packit you can do that or not do that, the sad reality is that either way it probably won't influence his behaviour.

Personally I would just detach from it all. If he seeks your advice then tell him he needs to divorce her or go for marriage counselling.

user1480880826 · 07/01/2020 08:24

Why are you taking it all out on your SIL? It’s clearly your brother who has behaved terribly in this relationship. He’s even blamed his wife for him having affairs! He said he did it because she gave him a lot of freedom, and he was curious.

Cut your SIL some slack. Her behaviour is quite understandable.

saraclara · 07/01/2020 08:36

I'm confused. You say she's cut your parents off, but she invited them for a meal.
They choose not to accept the invitation, so presumably she could say they're cutting her off.

Wrybread · 07/01/2020 08:40

Could you answer these questions to clarify things a bit?

  1. Who is being violent in their relationship?

  2. Did you and your parents know about the affairs before she did?

  3. what did she say in the emails that was poisonous?

YouokHun · 07/01/2020 08:44

To quote a typical MN phrase, ‘you don’t have a SIL problem, you have a DB problem’. From what you say it sounds as if your DB has been very manipulative and dishonest with you all. She sounds like someone who has been gaslighted, has no independence and nowhere to go. I wonder if your DB is quite the passive victim of a difficult wife that you seem to assume. I wonder what secondary gains there is from staying in what sounds like a toxic marriage - that is worth questioning.

WillowintheUK · 07/01/2020 08:49

@Prevegen4U - he’s 94, not dead.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/01/2020 08:54

he’s 94, not dead

Well, until OP punches him in the throat.

www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2016/10/14/infidelity-or-domestic-abuse/

Can you pass this along to your SIL please OP, it is about how repeated infidelity is a form of domestic abuse. Maybe pass it along to your exh to give to her, so you are not tempted to punch her.

Beau2019 · 07/01/2020 08:59

OP I disagree with a lot of comments slamming you here - I get it to some degree. You are invested because he is your brother but at the same time you are overly invested in her.

Leave them to it. Stay well out of it, say nothing and be there as a shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong. They are grown adults. If he doesn't 'have the balls' to leave her and she is using him financially then fool on them both. Take a step back out of all of this crap and sadly, let it run whatever course it does. It's none of your business for the most part. If things really did get out of control with the violence then that is your time to step in.

saraclara · 07/01/2020 11:57

Was your brother at the lunch that she invited your ex and kids to?

Skiessoblue · 07/01/2020 12:22

I can't imagine what it would do to my mental health to find out that the man I love, trust and have 3 children with has been having MULTIPLE affairs. One is enough to break someone. And then - the icing on the cake - to find out it all happened because I had given him 'too much freedom' and he was 'curious'. Ooft. Yea, I'd be pretty broken. The relationship would be shit and my mental health would be in tatters.

Maybe she isn't a nice person and maybe your brother was unhappy - but he is CHOOSING to stay with her. So, you have to respect that decision and also realise that it's your shitbag of a brother that has caused all this (you said yourself that she wasn't like this before the affairs).

I really wouldn't be too shocked that she is distancing herself from a woman who wants to punch her in the throat, who is minimising her brother's behaviours (do your parents also do this? Do they just sweep his awful treatment of his wife under the carpet for a 'quiet life'?) and who can't understand the pain she must be in (she should just get over it already and play happy families, right??).

Oh, and sending Christmas gifts doesn't mean shit if you're not doing the stuff that really matters.

Thatagain · 07/01/2020 13:07

Yes it's a standard situation isn't it. Sounds a little bit like you just do not know how it feels to be cheated on op. Your sis il is extremely hurt that she had children with a vile man and doesn't want her children to experience their turmoil that he has created. How can you surport a cheat? To some it means little to be cheated on to the most it is hurtful. I hope your ds il get better from her ptsd which is common after emotional abuse (cheating ) I also hope she takes him for everything he has got till he feels similar to how she felt when he cheated.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 07/01/2020 13:23

She will punish him forever, and he is probably ground down and doesn't have any self-worth and that is keeping him from leaving. And even though a PP disagrees, things cannot have been right before he had an affair- that is no excuse, but it's not a happy relationship is it. They are hurting one another in different ways and it is way, way worse for their kids to see this than to see their parents separating.
I'd send him a text or email saying that you realise he doesn't want a relationship with you now but that you love him and will always be there for him.