My brother is controlled by his wife.

[Packit]

My brother has been having affairs and his wife found out by reading his texts. This all happened 4 years ago. They have 3 grown up children.

Since then she has gone ballistic, claiming she has post traumatic stress disorder, they have a volatile relationship, sometimes violent, he stays away in hotels for weeks at a time, only going back to clean the house. She won’t divorce him as she feels not financially secure on her own. Instead she uses him as a housekeeper whilst she goes out a lot. She won’t get help for her ptsd but insists my brother is a sex addict and he now he goes to sex addict classes. He’s extremely keen to make his marriage work. 99.9% of women would’ve kicked him to the kerb.

She’s cherry picking what members of family she wants to associate herself with. She’s cutting out my dad, Who’s 94, my mum (written vile and poisonous emails to them both) and me, and disallowing my brother to see us.

She invited my ex and my grown up children over for a lunch over Christmas, along with her sister and her children. Obviously didn’t invite me, apparently invited my dad and mum but they declined as she has been so vile in person to them in the past.

I gave them all Christmas presents and a card, as usual I got nothing back. Not even from my brother.

I want to tell him to grow some balls and stand up to her. I want to punch her in the throat.

I would like to know how others would handle the situation. Would you disown them all ?

wrybread answers to your questions.

1. He’s hit her, she’s thrown furniture (as far as I know)
2. No.
3. She basically said that my parents have brought up a monster, there’s other personal family stuff which she’s not wanting anything to do with. And saying that she doesn’t want anything to do with either of them in any shape nor form.

I guess I feel I should support my brother, because he’s blood related, we used to get on well, and he has nobody else. But I find it hard as he’s been so out of order. He’s definitely distancing himself from me, and I know she’s cutting him off. My parents invite to the Christmas lunch seems strange to me too. Brother was there also.
skiessoblue your third paragraph is spot on. I gave Christmas gifts to all the family as I usually do.
I haven’t been cheated on, so I can’t appreciate the full impact that SIL must be feeling.

OP whilst I understand your loyalty to your brother it's misplaced.

He is your brother and he could have invited you to his home and thanked you for Christmas gifts. He chose not to.

He is abusing his wife in every possible way. He is violent and cheats. He's bad mouthing her to others. She has Post Traumatic Stress because of his behaviour. He is disappearing for weeks at various hotels and he can leave at any time but chooses not to.

You are blaming her but your blame lies with your brother. His wife sounds traumatised and in need of help. It sounds as though your family have taken his side which may explain her behaviour.

I want to punch her in the throat and he's hit her

Well, the apple hasn't fallen far from the family tree there has it?

Disengage. Encourage your brother to disengage and seek a divorce. I get that he is your brother, but he is also a violent cheat. Divorce is the only possible healthy outcome here.

surfskatefamily he says that it’s the only way they can carry on is by having breaks away from each other. He stays in hotel up the road for a month, and pops back to the home for a few hours some days to clean the house and wash cars !

It’s crazy I know, I think as my parents and I don’t understand, and we all think they should divorce, he keeps away from us, probably she keeps him away too. I know this because there was a time when he would pop in to see my parents when his wife was out so she didn’t know.

I think I’ve got the idea how to move forward now, so thanks for all your help and advice. It’s a crazy situation.

OP you sound delusional. If he is staying in a hotel for a month ie not with his wife - how is she preventing him from contacting or seeing his family?

What exactly is she doing to prevent him from texting 'Thank you for the Christmas presents'

Is she holding him hostage?

Does she expect him to clean his own house?

Yup apparently while she's not even there, and she pops back to do the cleaning when shes staying in hotels. Poor guy.

12345kbm the hotel stays have only started in the last 6 months. Before that she was stopping him seeing us. I hope that makes it clearer.

But he’s definitely cutting himself off now too. For eg just last week he’s opted out of our family watt app group.

OK he stays away in hotels.

Your brother sounds like a dick. He cheated on his wife several times, basically because she was too trusting. Proof that people don't only have affairs because they are unhappy, sometimes it's just because they think they can get away with it.

Thestrangestthing correction. HE pops back to clean the house when SHES not there.

Crackers isn’t it !

I’m struggling to understand why he doesn’t divorce her - give them both a chance of happiness .

probably she keeps him away

He cheats on her and hits her. Are you sure she can make him do anything?

Anyway. There is absolutely fuck all you can do about what goes on in someone else's marriage.

Thestrangestthing your last post is absolutely correct.

He loves her very much and is doing all in his power to stay with his wife. BUT they’re not happy. not happy at all.

EXACTLY bengalcat, and I agree tableclothing. Nothing I can do about their marriage.

Perhaps he's obtained legal advice and wants to be seen to be still living in the house, hence washing cars where others can see him. He's probably got a girlfriend he sees so he stays in the hotel up the road. He hasn't moved too far so he can keep an eye on his wife as he's abusive which is why he won't divorce.

Sorry @Packit but you need to take a massive step back and look at things properly

He hits her aka he's a violent dick

He cheated on her multiple times aka an emotionally abusive dick

He goes to stay at a hotel for a month at a time but comes back to the house as and when he pleases aka a controlling abusive dick

She has PTSD
She through a chair (once?)
She emailed your dparents and told them that they raised a monster (sounds right to me)

Yet shes the bad one and deserves to be punched, really?

Give your head a shake and stop victim blaming your brother is a massive abusive dick who clearly has no problem lieing convincingly, so why are you listening to him and believing his wow is me ?

Wow, your brother sounds like a germ, absolute garbage. I'd cut him out of my life and be friends only with the SIL, tbh. She has gone through hell, being cheated on destroys your soul. Add in him hitting her. Wtf are you defending him? If he were my brother, I wouldn't even spit on him if he were on fire. SIL is right. Your parents did raise a monster. Scum, is more like it. Monster is too nice. I would have disowned my brother by now if he were anything like yours. You should be supporting your SIL. Text her and apologise for how you've treated her and let her know if she needs a fellow sister to talk to, you'll be there. Forget your brother. Disown him. He is nothing but worthless shit. Your parents should officially disown him too. If he were my son, I'd be wishing I had a termination. Sorry, but I would.

Have you heard of the term 'flying monkey'? Your brother is abusive and controlling, you don't have to be his flying monkey.

And I doubt very much he would help around the house and go there to clean anything. Cars, sure. But nothing else. You seem to believe everything he says. I wouldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth.

stressedout10 you’re right !

This is why I put the post up, as I need to see it from a different angle. It’s difficult to see the real sense when in my shoes !

@packit
Sorry if I came across as harsh but sometimes it just needs saying plainly so we can see through the fog.

Don't feel to bad about the way he pulled the wool over your eyes hes clearly very good at it most abusers are. Reach out to your sil try to support her in leaving him

SaphfireRose I know for sure he cleans the house.

I have reached out to SIL, (not to punch her) so I have offered to talk to her, but she refuses. I have confused mixed feelings towards her and him. But I think it’s right to step away. I’ve done what I can to help them both, so it’s up to them now.

Sounds like you and your SIL are competing to control your brother.

I’m not surprised their marriage dynamic has issues if he has had multiple affairs. I’m surprised you think it’s unreasonable that she expects him to pull his weight with housework. If you act like you want to punch her in the throat its hardly surprising she chooses not to spend Christmas with you...

Bear in mind that when one partner betrays the other with an affair, and are then taken back, the injured partner might cope with the anger and hurt by deflecting it elsewhere — ie effectively blaming the parents/family/mates who led him astray or didn’t bring him up properly etc etc. Mostly done unconsciously as it’s easier to make the relationship work day to day that way. Similarly, his wife’s parents might be obviously furious at his behaviour and hostile to him on behalf of their daughter, who cannot possibly harbour all that resentment and also make her marriage work.

I would butt out of their marriage if you are not going to be supportive.

If he wants his marriage to work, then maybe part of that is cutting off people who actively dislike his wife and want them to divorce. That may be what is driving the loss of communication between him and his family - not her.

I understand the "blood is thicker than water" mentality, but there comes a point that you have to do what's right. Supporting your brother just because he's your brother doesn't seem right. From what you have written, he sounds entitled and disrespectful and, above all, abusive. The fact he hits her and she feels trapped in the marriage, at the very least financially, could be the tip of a very abusive iceberg.

You only have to spend a short time on the relationship board to see the many women trapped in horrible, horrible relationships. It's certainly not always easy to 'just get a divorce'.

If it were me, I'd change my priorities to my sister in law who is very clearly struggling. If it turns out that she is just as toxic, then at least you tried.

What is your relationship like with their children?

Commonwasher I agree, and thanks for the wise words.

He likes housework ! Does it as therapy he said ! So she’s not forcing him. I’m not saying she’s being unreasonable, I’m just pointing out that he goes to the house to clean it. That’s all.

Your third paragraph makes a lot of sense. Thanks.