Friend has everyone fooled - how would you deal with this?

[London59]

Bit of a long one, so apologies in advance.

I've known my oldest friend for 20+ years now. We grew up together, have the same hobby, went to the same school/university. I fully appreciate people change as they grow up and I have no doubt we both have changed a lot over the last 2 decades, but for the last couple of years she has really tested our relationship.

I'm trying to figure out if she is really as bad as I think she is or whether I am just jealous or over reacting. I have written a (selective) list of the things she has done over the past few years:

• She makes out her life is perfect. She always uses words like fab or super and everything is just so amazing. Her written words are punctuated with exclamation marks every sentence. I am not one for bringing other people down but I have opened up to her previously and I am offended that she feels she cannot be honest with me and tell me when life is shit (it is for everyone at times!).

• I went through a bout of serious depression 2 years ago, brought on by work. I was signed off for 5 months and was in a very dark place. I found it very difficult to admit, but I did tell her eventually. Not once did she ask how I was or offer to come round for a cup of tea. Nothing. Our friendship was basically on hold until I was well enough to reach out to her and suggest meeting up again.

• Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split up in March last year, which friend knows. The last time I spoke to her about it was in July when I was considering reconciling with him, but she has never asked whether I did or not. She is getting married later this year and to my knowledge she has no idea if I have a boyfriend or not, as she has never asked.

She puts utter bulls*t on social media. We both compete in the same sport so I can read through it. She will put something like "amazing weekend competing at x!! Came away with 2nd place!! Super fun time!". Actually, there was only 2 people in her category...so she came last, and didn't do very well anyway.

• She is incredibly self-centered. I feel I know what is going on in her life but she has no clue what is going on in mine. She never asks me any questions and I am beginning to feel she looks down on me. She has a lot more money than I do, a better job, many more material possessions, and I feel like I'm the token 'poor' friend that she sees when she needs a pick me up to make herself feel superior again.

• Since she started going out with her now fiance (about 18 months ago) I have not seen her on her own, they now come as a pair. This is from the woman who maintains she is "super independent".

I think the thing that really gets my goat is that she has everyone fooled into thinking she is the most inspirational, lovely person in the world. My experience of her as a 'friend' over the past few years has been anything but!

To make it all worse, she has asked me to be her bridesmaid when she gets married. I don't feel I can wriggle out of it without causing a serious ruckus, yet gritting my teeth and getting on with it feels hypocritical. Or do I just see it through the wedding then fade out of her life?

Sometimes you can mean something different to someone than they do to you. I have a friend who everyone considers their 'really close friend'. She's just someone people gravitate to. She wouldn't consider many of them to be her 'really close friend'. It doesn't mean she's any different to how they perceive her, just that they see her in a certain way.

Your friend could well be just living her life, with no idea that you consider her such a close friend that it upsets you that she doesn't know key details of your life.

What do you think you get out of your friendship with her?

Most people are selective/overly positive about what they put on social media. Some use it as a 'fake it til you make it' To get themselves in a positive frame of mind. Some people just relentlessly out a positive spin on things. That can be annoying for those of us who are naturally more balanced or pessimistic. Especially when other people lap it up and you're left feeling like Eeoyore.

I'm sorry to hear she wasn't supportive/interested when you've had tough times. You can let her know how that made you feel and see how she responds, but ultimately she's not going to change her spin. Either that's something you can shrug off because it's the other side of a coin you like, or you don't and the friendship's run its course.

She sounds awful. It does sound as though she doesn't have any other friends, either, oddly enough.

I think this relationship is no good for you. Either make an excuse for the wedding, or bite your lip until it's over and then go your separate ways. It sounds like you'd be able to just quietly sever contact without her noticing. Mute her on social media (or just delete your account, preferably, it would probably be better for you).

No. Tell her that you can't be her bridesmaid and walk away. She is false and vacuous and you don't need friends like that

I would go with the second option. If the wedding is later this year you could probably stand her for that long, then fade away. She hasn’t actually actively done anything that bad, it’s what she hasn’t done that understandably mainly gets to you.

Alternatively, if you think she might turn into a total bridezilla and drive you nuts in the run-up to the wedding, you could possibly invent a holiday that you booked months ago for that very fortnight, and that is totally unalterable and fantastic. And then you could actually really book one, if you can afford it! Sounds like you need a lift and you wouldn’t have to go through all her showing off surrounding the wedding!

Either way, maybe stop looking at her posts on Facebook too. And fade away from her life.

Why is she your friend?

I would turn down the bridesmaid honour if you dislike her.

She has zero interest in your life. This is proven by not even knowing if you have a boyfriend or not. That's not a friend. She doesn't value you and it would appear maybe she doesn't have many friends. Does she have other bridesmaids or just you ?

You won't lose a friendship by refusing to be a bridesmaid because there's no friendship to lose. She has some very narcissistic tendencies, and I think she's made it abundantly clear she's just not interested in you or your life. Let her go. You'll be much happier for it.

She does sound self-centred but more importantly you obviously don't like her so it would be daft to be her bridesmaid or do anything with her really.

I think it's fine to say you were second at something on Facebook if you were second. It's a bit more positive than 'came last at tennis and didn't do very well anyway'.

I was going to say she obviously doesn't consider you to be a close friend, more of an acquaintance but she's asked you to be bridesmaid. Seems like an odd relationship. I'd say no to being her bridesmaid and back off from her.

drop her like a brick she isnt a friend in any sense of the word

She doesn't sound like a friend at all!

I think you should be the bridesmaid. I don't think someone else's wedding is the time to take a stand. I also think that saying you came second when second is last, is deliberately misleading and not a 'positive spin'. But it doesn't directly affect you and everyone has bad character traits here and there. The key thing is that her traits annoy you and you generally don't like her any more. Be the bridesmaid, enjoy the wedding, and then move on in your life without her.

She doesn't really sound like a friend. She sounds like someone you find really annoying.

Neither of you sound to be good friends to each other, tbh. Let the friendship go. I certainly wouldn't be her bridesmaid feeling like you do.

I would not be able to cope with someone who littered her prose with exclamation marks.

From that standpoint only I would bin this woman off.

Do you think she will cost you lots with wanting hen night ect
Think if she has been demanding in the past and if so just tell her not possible due to work and time off.

She doesnt sound great.

But then neither do you. You listed punctuation as a fault.

I would say distance yourself. She could do better and it doesnt sound like you like hee at all.

A bridesmaid role is a pretty important one, so she must class you as a close friend. But I think if you dislike her as much as you say, you should definitely decline, and just phase yourself out of the friendship. I think some of the issues you have with her come across as a bit of jealousy on your part. If she is positive and says everything is great, that doesn’t make her a bad person - some people don’t like sharing their woes with everyone and prefer to keep crap things going on in their life private.

You really dont like your friend do you? Why are you spending this much energy on someone you clearly dont like?

She sounds superficial and needing of admiration.

People like this (usually narcisstic) only have friends for what they bring to their life. It is a one way street with no real connection and her emotions are likely to be shallow with everyone.

To avoid upset have realistic expectations of her, don't share personal details, be neutral and put her in the "acquainance" box. If not she will continue to disappoint and upset you. It is actually very freeing once you realise your friendship exists to make her look positive. I know someone like this, they only retain friends if they offer something that benefits them, social standing, money, network etc. It is always about them and their attempts at empathy for others seem fake, because it is!

Being a bridesmaid could be a nightmare if she expects you to organise/take part in lots of hen stuff. Very hard and wearing if you're already feeling ambivalent about the friendship. I'd make an excuse to get out of that, but aim to keep the friendship on a lower level. She sounds like an idiot just now and has not been a friend to you at all lately, but maybe it's a phase. Sounds like she's had a whirlwind romance and that can make a blind puffed up idiot of anyone! In time when she calms down you might regain the friendship and value the shared history you have. So step back for now, while it's damaging you, but don't burn all your bridges.

You really don’t like her very much at all. Yes there some things she does which try to show herself in a good light (insecurity I’d say) but you’re effectively bitching behind her back. To the point she thinks you’re good enough friends to ask you to be her bridesmaid when you actively dislike her. If you don’t like her, sack off the friendship, don’t string it out. Neither of you come across well, yet we are only hearing things from your point of view.