Friend has everyone fooled - how would you deal with this?

[London59]

Bit of a long one, so apologies in advance.

I've known my oldest friend for 20+ years now. We grew up together, have the same hobby, went to the same school/university. I fully appreciate people change as they grow up and I have no doubt we both have changed a lot over the last 2 decades, but for the last couple of years she has really tested our relationship.

I'm trying to figure out if she is really as bad as I think she is or whether I am just jealous or over reacting. I have written a (selective) list of the things she has done over the past few years:

• She makes out her life is perfect. She always uses words like fab or super and everything is just so amazing. Her written words are punctuated with exclamation marks every sentence. I am not one for bringing other people down but I have opened up to her previously and I am offended that she feels she cannot be honest with me and tell me when life is shit (it is for everyone at times!).

• I went through a bout of serious depression 2 years ago, brought on by work. I was signed off for 5 months and was in a very dark place. I found it very difficult to admit, but I did tell her eventually. Not once did she ask how I was or offer to come round for a cup of tea. Nothing. Our friendship was basically on hold until I was well enough to reach out to her and suggest meeting up again.

• Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split up in March last year, which friend knows. The last time I spoke to her about it was in July when I was considering reconciling with him, but she has never asked whether I did or not. She is getting married later this year and to my knowledge she has no idea if I have a boyfriend or not, as she has never asked.

She puts utter bulls*t on social media. We both compete in the same sport so I can read through it. She will put something like "amazing weekend competing at x!! Came away with 2nd place!! Super fun time!". Actually, there was only 2 people in her category...so she came last, and didn't do very well anyway.

• She is incredibly self-centered. I feel I know what is going on in her life but she has no clue what is going on in mine. She never asks me any questions and I am beginning to feel she looks down on me. She has a lot more money than I do, a better job, many more material possessions, and I feel like I'm the token 'poor' friend that she sees when she needs a pick me up to make herself feel superior again.

• Since she started going out with her now fiance (about 18 months ago) I have not seen her on her own, they now come as a pair. This is from the woman who maintains she is "super independent".

I think the thing that really gets my goat is that she has everyone fooled into thinking she is the most inspirational, lovely person in the world. My experience of her as a 'friend' over the past few years has been anything but!

To make it all worse, she has asked me to be her bridesmaid when she gets married. I don't feel I can wriggle out of it without causing a serious ruckus, yet gritting my teeth and getting on with it feels hypocritical. Or do I just see it through the wedding then fade out of her life?

I feel like I'm the token 'poor' friend that she sees when she needs a pick me up to make herself feel superior again
This is exactly what you are so please stop pandering to it.
She makes you feel like crap.
She is NOT your friend.
She doesn't even know if you have a significant other in your life or not!
What is the point of her?????
She brings nothing positive to your life.
Please just drop her and move on with your life.
Find better friends!

Complete empathy bypass by the sounds of it, self centred, superficial, seeking attention...sounds like she has some pretty strong narcissistic traits.

I had a similar experience with one of my friends, I was completely clueless until she cheated on her husband, I used to get on well with her husband, in fact I probably got on better with him than my friend in the end. He ended up with having to go to counselling and the counsellor described her behaviour as extremely narcissistic, I googled and researched narcissism and she ticked so many boxes...it’s only now some 20 years of knowing her that I realise how many narcissistic traits she has.

I have very little to do with her now, she doesn’t seem bothered...it’s like I don’t exist. Another trait that they can discard somebody so easily and move onto to another source of supply to give them their attention.

Agree that if you don’t like her so, cut it out. She sounds like she’s living a positive life, maybe she had her own issues too, do you know? Have you asked her?

You sound quite jealous. Exclamation marks? Really?

Sounds like 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. Although you obviously don't like her, and she obviously does like you (or why would she ask you to be her bridesmaid?) It also sounds like you want more from your friendship than she is prepared to give. Which doesn't make her a bad person...

Really it is a call noone but you can make - though if you want to dump her as a friend don't be a her bridesmaid first. That would be mean.

You won't get rid of her because you enjoy hating her too much

Mind you - my daughter has won gold medals for pole vaulting - not because she is exceptional but because she was the only one who turned up... That said, just because she didn't have any competition for the medal doesn't mean she didn't jump well and have a great day.

One of my sister's bridesmaids faded out of her life after her wedding and now my sister looks at her photos and says she wishes the fade had happened before the wedding as she's got a permanent reminder of the friend she lost.

Just on that basis I would say no to being her bridesmaid.

She sounds awful but you don't sound very nice either. Best to end the friendship

OP - I know someone just like this. I also got tarnished with the 'jealous' brush when I spoke about it and I only spoke because I was worried bout how much she was manipulating/using/controlling her husband. Basically he is just an figure in her perfect life she has planned out.

She has narcissistic traits - google it. The best thing I did with said family member who is just as you describe your friend, was to distance myself. Weirdly I was also a bridesmaid, created no fuss, acted lovely but now I have taken a step back. I will continue to be pleasant but the best thing you can do is remove yourself from her life as much as you can.

Do you find it hard to move on?
Do you make decisions based on FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)?
This is never a good way to live.
You are incompatible - is the neutral way of calling it.
Your expectations and values are so different.
If you stay in this “friendship” much longer you will become even more bitter and become jealous, obsessive, unhinged.
So you need to be authentic and truthful to yourself.
The negative thoughts and preoccupation in your head with her would be better deleted and replaced with positive thoughts and plans with more emotionally nourishing friends.
Whilst in your current headspace you are preventing yourself having better friends and more positive MH and life.
You will feel so liberated to withdraw from the charade of the bridesmaid - you know these attention seeking Narc types will have you jumping through hoops.
Don’t be a monkey in her circus.
I had a “friend” just like yours - she was totally incapable of emotional empathy. She posts the same show off shit on SM - her DH told my DH that she has had a nervous breakdown - but she still posts how fabulous her life is everyday.

I feel sorry for her but I am glad I am not part of her Narc world. It is a competitive power balance - they always have to be “top dog” and put someone down so that they can stay afloat. I just faded away and bizarrely she texted me 2 years later to say how she was re-prioritising HER life - she missed me and wanted to catch up. I just ignored the text. In those two years I had lost a sibling and a parent - which she would have known about - and she didn’t make contact until she wanted something.

Seriously drop the rope - then she can’t play her games and you will have more time to surround yourself with people who bring value to your life.

I hope 2020 sees a new start for you. Clear out the clutter!

Do you like/love her? Take any interest in her life? In what way are you a friend to her OP?

This is a hard one because you’ve been friends for 20 years. People do change/ grow up and grow apart. It’s part and parcel of life. It seems that you both view the world differently and as you’ve aged you’ve realised that. I dislike people pretending their life is perfect and amaizing on social media especially when you know it’s not. It all seems fake. That being said people do generally only portray the best bits of their life. I wouldn’t take it to heart that she hasn’t taken much interest in your life lately. People do get swept away with life in general. I would call your friend about the bridesmaid issue and just say you’d be happier as a guest.

I had a friend like this - I was eaten up by irritation at her behaviour and self-absorbed attitude.

What changed it for me was the day I was sitting in hospital with my son who was very poorly and she didn't even ask how he was or why we were there, just kept adding jokes to a group chat about brushing her daughter's hair. Eventually made some shit, meaningless passing comment like "Hope all's OK!!" and then immediately went back to pissing about. For me, that was the point when I realised a line had been crossed.

I wondered for a long time how to handle it, but for a while just avoided her because I couldn't face being hypocritical. In the end, I realised that there was nothing positive in our friendship and I just didn't want her in my life, so I went no contact. Some other friends not long after had similar experiences with this narcissistic individual and also cut off contact. None of our extended group see her any more, and it's a huge relief.

I'd say just step away - you can either be upfront and tell her why you don't want to be her bridesmaid or else just make an excuse and quietly slide out of her life.

How deeply entwined are your lives now?

Do you still hang around in the same social group? I am just trying to understand how much collateral damage to the rest of your social life if you withdrew from it all?

You don't really like your friend, do you OP ?

Really, I never think we should take SM seriously - people post their "best" lives and maybe it's important for your friend's mental health that she always shows a positive face? Maybe she doesn't really feel that way, but is trying to "fake it till she makes it" ? It's not really a bad strategy.

But you seem envious and also self-righteous - as if you have an idea about how she should behave, and when she behaves differently, you're quire angry with her.

I was once taught by a wise person who'd gone through a lot of real trauma in her life that when something about someone else - their actions, what they say - really really riles you & makes you angry, you should stop and reflect on why you feel that way in response to the other person.

That it's something to do with you, not the other person.

So have a think about why you are so angry about this so-called friend - why are you envious and self-righteous about her behaviour towards you? You might learn something about yourself which enables you to deal better with her and with your life more generally.

The thing is, you're not wholly right, and she's not wholly wrong. You're different people.

I'm not sure why you stay friends with someone you dislike so much?

Some of your gripes are a little petty - so what if she only posts the good stuff on social media? I don't use my FB or IG for airing my dirty laundry either. I don't think it's fair that people are calling her 'awful', 'narcissistic' and 'incapable of emotional empathy'. She might have dropped the ball a couple of times in your friendship but there are two sides to everything - can you honestly say you have always been there for every friend you have through hard times? Maybe she didn't know what to say so she waited for you to reach out to her for help. Maybe she could have tried harder, I think we've all got caught up in our own lives and forgotten to check on friends at some point.

I'm glad you're in a better place now but I think this friendship has run its course, you definitely shouldn't be bridesmaid for someone you dislike so much, that's not fair on either of you.

I don't see why it bothers you so much how she describes her life on social media. So what if she says everything is fab and super? What business is that of yours and how does it affect you? Same for the exclamation marks. I really don't see why this should affect you. I think you should look more at yourself and your own life because things like that in somebody else's life shouldn't give you negative feelings.

Also if she sees coming second out of two people as coming second and not last what the hell business is that of yours?
You don't sound very nice OP

I think some of your comments about her are really mean and nasty. Why are you criticising her for being positive about her own life and using exclamation marks? Why does it bother you that she sees her life in a positive way and posts happy updates on her social media? Why not message her abot your boyfriend, perhaps she didn’t want to ask you again in case it’s a sore topic for you? We can’t know without knowing your friend better but you sound really judgemental, jealous and bitter about her from your OP.

Admittedly your 'friend' doesn't sound great, but I'd love to hear her side of the story.
The main take I got from your post is that your mean, bitter and jealous.
I wouldn't want to make an effort with someone who went out of their way to tell people I came "last, not second and didn't do very well".
How snide?!

Look you can't stand her, so end thr friendship, decline the bridesmaid role and move on,

I think this is much more about you than it is about her. Explain you can't be a bridesmaid and then start working on your own life, you come across in your op as negative and jealous.

If you dislike her so much then don’t be her bridesmaid.

Save your energy for proper friends, and move on

I have to agree, you do come across as envious, which is causing you to be bitter and rather unpleasant. Is it because your relationship ended and she's getting married? Some of the points you make about her are really petty, the way you write about her with distaste, which is causing people to think it's envy.

Whatever is driving you, it really is best to not be bridesmaid, I don't think it will do you any good,