Friend has everyone fooled - how would you deal with this?

[London59]

Bit of a long one, so apologies in advance.

I've known my oldest friend for 20+ years now. We grew up together, have the same hobby, went to the same school/university. I fully appreciate people change as they grow up and I have no doubt we both have changed a lot over the last 2 decades, but for the last couple of years she has really tested our relationship.

I'm trying to figure out if she is really as bad as I think she is or whether I am just jealous or over reacting. I have written a (selective) list of the things she has done over the past few years:

• She makes out her life is perfect. She always uses words like fab or super and everything is just so amazing. Her written words are punctuated with exclamation marks every sentence. I am not one for bringing other people down but I have opened up to her previously and I am offended that she feels she cannot be honest with me and tell me when life is shit (it is for everyone at times!).

• I went through a bout of serious depression 2 years ago, brought on by work. I was signed off for 5 months and was in a very dark place. I found it very difficult to admit, but I did tell her eventually. Not once did she ask how I was or offer to come round for a cup of tea. Nothing. Our friendship was basically on hold until I was well enough to reach out to her and suggest meeting up again.

• Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split up in March last year, which friend knows. The last time I spoke to her about it was in July when I was considering reconciling with him, but she has never asked whether I did or not. She is getting married later this year and to my knowledge she has no idea if I have a boyfriend or not, as she has never asked.

She puts utter bulls*t on social media. We both compete in the same sport so I can read through it. She will put something like "amazing weekend competing at x!! Came away with 2nd place!! Super fun time!". Actually, there was only 2 people in her category...so she came last, and didn't do very well anyway.

• She is incredibly self-centered. I feel I know what is going on in her life but she has no clue what is going on in mine. She never asks me any questions and I am beginning to feel she looks down on me. She has a lot more money than I do, a better job, many more material possessions, and I feel like I'm the token 'poor' friend that she sees when she needs a pick me up to make herself feel superior again.

• Since she started going out with her now fiance (about 18 months ago) I have not seen her on her own, they now come as a pair. This is from the woman who maintains she is "super independent".

I think the thing that really gets my goat is that she has everyone fooled into thinking she is the most inspirational, lovely person in the world. My experience of her as a 'friend' over the past few years has been anything but!

To make it all worse, she has asked me to be her bridesmaid when she gets married. I don't feel I can wriggle out of it without causing a serious ruckus, yet gritting my teeth and getting on with it feels hypocritical. Or do I just see it through the wedding then fade out of her life?

Are you jealous of her? If she wants to be upbeat about her life what’s the problem? Nothing wrong with saying you’re second when you are, even if only 2 took part!

You are obviously annoyed because she isn’t the friend you want her to be! TBH I think that she would be better off without you, and you without her, so I would just make the break now so she can find a bridesmaid who actually likes her.

You don't like her, so it doesn't really matter whether she is good, bad or indifferent, does it?

But first you complained that she never mentions any problems she has and then you say "I feel I know what is going on in her life". Mostly she sounds like someone who can't deal with emotion.

It sounds like she is upbeat and you are a bit draining. I can't believe punctuation made your list... Or even her social media. Happy stuff on social media hardly seems like an issue to me.

You don't like her and need to say no to being her bridesmaid. It sounds like your own insecurities and bitterness are an issue here as much as her self absorption. Actually you both sound a bit self absorbed.

She sounds totally self absorbed. Doesn’t know whether you have a boyfriend or not, didn't support you when you and your boyfriend split up, didn’t check in on you when you were depressed. A genuine friend who truly cares about you would have been there for you in all of those situations. You really need to grasp that reality and accept she is not the person you thought or hoped she was. You’ve grown apart. Time to let it go and move on. If you can get out of the wedding then I would if I were you. She’s clearly not good for your emotional health.

It doesn’t sound like you like her very much really, and she doesn’t sound particularly interested in you.

Not everyone finds it easy opening up about their emotions and often those people struggle to reach out to others in times of need. I have a friend like this, she’s one of my best friends. She’s loyal and lovely but if I need her support then I have to spell it out to her. That said, why your friend doesn’t even know your relationship status means something is amiss. Politely decline her bridesmaid invitation and see how she handles it - that should give you a steer of her friendship intentions.

Sounds like you don't like her very much. Not really sure why you are friends.

Honestly she does sound annoying but she seems like she’s trying to be really positive and optimistic about life and you sound a bit jealous and bitter towards her. You clearly don’t like her and I don’t think she’s done anything that bad other than being a bit #positivevibes which is obvs irritating but nothing terrible. as you dislike her so much you should just stop being her ‘friend’

I wouldn't be her bridesmaid, and maybe she is only asking you to be one,as she can't find anyone else. But why should this matter, as you have gone off her over the years.

This is not a positive relationship and it's clearly not bringing any value into your life. You would be hypocritical to be her bridesmaid considering all you have said in your opening post.

If she's fooling people - they will figure it out in their own way/time.

I think your friendship has run its course. Spend time with people who make you feel good and who are genuinely there for you. I would wish her well and leave her to it.

I think she just sounds normal. It doesn’t sound like you are well matched as friends. Find an excuse to decline as bridesmaid and take some time to work on yourself and your mental health.

you sound unhealthily over-involved with how this woman lives her life.
as I was reading it, it reminded me of teenage girls bitching about each other.
what does it matter to you how she presents herself, or her achievements or not in a sport.
it's not as if you are competing for the same job, is it. but your whole tirade sounds very competitive, as if you want people to see through her, and admire you instead for being more truthful, or accurate, or correctly punctuated. !
just leave it. perhaps you mistook things and she was never a friend anyway. just because your lives co-incide, area, school, college, sport, from early age, does not mean that is a close friendship. it is an acquaintance of long standing. that;s all. don't get so worked up.
I think you need to branch out, do different leisure activities, find new interests. could you volunteer for something. you've got stuck in a bit of a corner with this. just turn yourself around, look out, at something else, and gradually move forward, discovering a wider world as you go.
good luck. sorry if I sounded harsh. trying to encourage you to make the most of your life. enjoy your life. this tangle can be left behind.

When I read your OP I was prepared for her to be really horrible. Instead, she just sounds a bit self-centred.
I have friends like this. I love them very much but wouldn’t rely on them for support.
If you get nothing out of this friendship, I’d definitely suggest gritting your teeth through the wedding then fading out.

It sounds like you've grown apart and just plain don't like her.

Some of her crimes aren't that bad. Like the social media stuff. That type of thing is annoying to me too, but I accept it's how some people do use sm and it's ultimately harmless. So I just unfollow people like that. I wouldn't say it's "manipulating others", that would be more like if she was claiming she had cancer to scam money. Or starting rumours about others to play them off against each other.

I get where you are coming from. I have a friend who literally never asks about me and just talks the whole time about her own stuff

Since you active,y dislike her,don't be her bridesmaid

Personally I don’t ask people about their relationships if they have just had a bad break up and are in a bad place.
(I cringe when people do) I think if someone wants to discuss something then they should bring it up as I don’t want to be nosey and don’t want to pry into something that could be deeply private.

I have seen too many people squirm when someone dives in and asks about a cheating/abusive ex

Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split up in March last year, which friend knows. The last time I spoke to her about it was in July when I was considering reconciling with him, but she has never asked whether I did or not.

Devil's advocate here, but other people's We Have Broken Up He Is A Bastard/I Miss Him So Much Should I Take Him Back shows do tend to pall after the third month. Surely she knows you aren't with him if you've stopped talking about him.

She hasn’t really done anything wrong though. Why does her social media annoy you so much? Why don’t you think “ah that’s nice” when you see something positive she’s written regardless of its truth level? None of the YouTube bloggers are “honest” are they? Social media is just fake. She’s no different to everybody else. You don’t really like her or feel a connection. It’s not fair to be bridesmaid to somebody you feel like this about. Be honest. Say “I’m really sorry but I can’t be your bridesmaid. Thank you for asking me. I just feel that we aren’t as close as we used to be so it’s best you ask your closer friends”

@London59

And you call her a friend? She does not sound like anyone I would like to be friends with. I would look for a new one if I was you.

Nopety nope, as my 9yo would say.

You can see the writing on the wall with this wedding, surely? She’s going to expect peak spending, instaworthy moments and enormous energy expended on her behalf from her entourage.

I don’t think you can afford it at all, financially or mental health-wise.

It’s up to you whether you just decline, citing your recovery process (my therapist advised against it is useful). Otherwise, if you’re feeling stronger, tell her you’ve thought about it a lot and come to the conclusion that you really don’t know each other any more (as you did in the old days) and have decided to withdraw so she can have someone she has more in common with by her side on the big day.

If she tries to argue it with you, just ask her a couple of pointed questions like: Ok Marjory, if we’re so close, can you tell me if I got back with Brad earlier last year or not? Do you know anything about the current medications and lifestyle recovery regime I’m on since my mental health diagnosis? I recently had several wins at work, do you remember them? If you’re feeling generous you add ‘and I likewise don’t know much about your day to day life any more either.’

End with ‘I’d love to be a normal guest and see my dear childhood pal walk down the aisle, it’ll be really special I’m sure.’

Then mute her on social media and get on with making new friends who actually give a damn about someone other than themselves.

Tbh she just sounds very run of the mill as a person. She’s clearly a bit fair weather which lots of people are! Sometimes if you tell someone you’re depressed they give you space rather than support - or they don’t know how to deal with it.

I would personally agree to be bridesmaid as a nod to your 20+ year friendship but accept that we all change and maybe she doesn’t need to be a big part of your life any more...

I wouldn't be bridesmaid. She will definitely make a massive show of it and it will become increasingly annoying/expensive for you.

From reading this thread, many people seem to have differing views of friendship. I'm more like you OP and consider a friend to be someone I can share things with from my life, both good and bad and who would be there for me when I needed it and that I would reciprocate.

But I have realised over the years that not everyone considers it that way. Some people are a bit narcissistic and just think you should be there for them. Others don't really want emotional closeness, just fun times out. Both those categories, I no longer invest much emotionally in and just consider acquaintances. I certainly wouldn't be their bridesmaid or ask them to be mine,

My real friends are few in number and I would be there for them and them for me. They mean an enormous amount to me but aren't the people I've necessarily known for longest.

You can't stand her! You haven't said one positive thing about this woman in a long opening post. I'm amazed you say she is your friend ... friends are supposed to at least like each other. Time to take some responsibilty for yourself rather than dumping all the blame on her.

You are completely incompatible she sees coming 2 out of 2 2nd you see it as last that is a huge gulf in attitude