Friend has everyone fooled - how would you deal with this?

[London59]

Bit of a long one, so apologies in advance.

I've known my oldest friend for 20+ years now. We grew up together, have the same hobby, went to the same school/university. I fully appreciate people change as they grow up and I have no doubt we both have changed a lot over the last 2 decades, but for the last couple of years she has really tested our relationship.

I'm trying to figure out if she is really as bad as I think she is or whether I am just jealous or over reacting. I have written a (selective) list of the things she has done over the past few years:

• She makes out her life is perfect. She always uses words like fab or super and everything is just so amazing. Her written words are punctuated with exclamation marks every sentence. I am not one for bringing other people down but I have opened up to her previously and I am offended that she feels she cannot be honest with me and tell me when life is shit (it is for everyone at times!).

• I went through a bout of serious depression 2 years ago, brought on by work. I was signed off for 5 months and was in a very dark place. I found it very difficult to admit, but I did tell her eventually. Not once did she ask how I was or offer to come round for a cup of tea. Nothing. Our friendship was basically on hold until I was well enough to reach out to her and suggest meeting up again.

• Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split up in March last year, which friend knows. The last time I spoke to her about it was in July when I was considering reconciling with him, but she has never asked whether I did or not. She is getting married later this year and to my knowledge she has no idea if I have a boyfriend or not, as she has never asked.

She puts utter bulls*t on social media. We both compete in the same sport so I can read through it. She will put something like "amazing weekend competing at x!! Came away with 2nd place!! Super fun time!". Actually, there was only 2 people in her category...so she came last, and didn't do very well anyway.

• She is incredibly self-centered. I feel I know what is going on in her life but she has no clue what is going on in mine. She never asks me any questions and I am beginning to feel she looks down on me. She has a lot more money than I do, a better job, many more material possessions, and I feel like I'm the token 'poor' friend that she sees when she needs a pick me up to make herself feel superior again.

• Since she started going out with her now fiance (about 18 months ago) I have not seen her on her own, they now come as a pair. This is from the woman who maintains she is "super independent".

I think the thing that really gets my goat is that she has everyone fooled into thinking she is the most inspirational, lovely person in the world. My experience of her as a 'friend' over the past few years has been anything but!

To make it all worse, she has asked me to be her bridesmaid when she gets married. I don't feel I can wriggle out of it without causing a serious ruckus, yet gritting my teeth and getting on with it feels hypocritical. Or do I just see it through the wedding then fade out of her life?

Sorry OP but I think the problem here might be with you. Your friend sounds very positive and upbeat. You sound very negative and jealous. You sound like you could be quite emotionally draining. This could be why she is reluctant to ask you any questions about your love-life etc because your responses are a bit depressing. She could love you as a friend but find your down trodden attitude and obvious envy difficult to handle at times.

People who post like that on social media are often insecure. It gives them the opportunity to be the person they really want to be. She's not trying to 'fool' people, she's trying to feel better about herself. That doesn't make her a bad person. If a close friend of mine did this, I'd feel sad for them and worry about them a bit. But it obviously makes you angry and makes you dislike her more than you already do. You are obviously very hostile to her, and (sorry) quite jealous of her. Old friendships don't always go the distance and I think this one has more than run its course, and you're both hanging onto it without actually liking the other one all that much.

You sound overly invested in this woman and clearly resent the way she presents herself/her life to the world.

Why are you bothering? Is it simply the length of time you've known her that keeps you riveted by her inane musings on social media?

Of course you can 'wriggle' out of being a bridesmaid. Simply say you unfortunately have a long standing engagement for the day itself and that you wish her and her husband-to-be well. Don't attend the wedding, send a modest gift, and bow out of her life.

It sounds like she is keeping you as a friend because it's nice to keep in touch after all these years. In the nicest possible way you sound draining and not much fun and well yes jealous. Say no to bridesmaid, say you are going away, then keep in touch but maybe less so.

Well she sounds like a right pain but you clearly don't like her, so why on earth would you consider for a single second being her bridesmaid?

Just say Thanks but No and drop her from your life!

She probably hasn't got everyone fooled, you know. I used to work with someone like this. When she left, it emerged that everyone had been secretly laughing at her social media nonsense. See it through the wedding if you like, or fade away earlier. It depends whether you have mutual friends or not because if so she will paint the worst picture of how you let her down to them!

I think anyone that can make a pretty long list of the reasons a person irritates them shouldn’t spend further time with that person.

She's just an acquaintance, OP. Move on.

If you think she is over egging it on social media, why are you jealous of her?

If she’s lying about things being good, how much support have you given her?

The relationship should Judy be about her supporting you.

Of course you don't need to be her bridesmaid, thank her politely but just say it is 'not your sort of thing' (assuming you are not planning to be a bridesmaid for anyone else in the near future). Why do people have so much angst about turning down a bridesmaid request, my friend's DD was a bridesmaid three times last year, she really hated the role, the fuss, the expense, the dressing up, the hen party etc etc but felt 'she couldn't say no', this is a 30 year old professional woman .

You really dislike this woman. Whatever the basis of the friendship you once had, it's clearly gone.

Just politely decline the offer to be a bridesmaid and ease out of her life.

Crazy idea....say this to her. I'd you're close enough to be bridesmaid and known each other that long just tell her and ask her why. Not hard. Be a grown up about it. Best case she didnt realise she was self absorbed or has another reason I cant think of. Worst case she just like that, your asking offends her and friendship over. Either way problem solved and you cant stop wondering.

Have we got the same “best friend”?! I can relate to a what of what you say 🙄. It’s always the her show. I would distance yourself and yeah probably mute / hide her on social media

In terms of being bridesmaid then l would decline-way too much hassle and effort for her. In light of her behaviour then l would say you have a busy year and can’t do it

So many typos sorry, can stop wondering!!

I think this friendship has run its course and its time to go your separate ways. Block her social media shite. Don't be a bridesmaid. As PP said book a fantastic holiday instead.

Just cut loose, I had a couple of friends like that, they seemed to have a huge circle of friends who they loved and loved them, but to me they had become vapid and insincere.

After one event too many of realising I was just diary fodder, I just said it how it was and that was the end. A couple of years on facebook and that was also hypocritical so I unfriended them.

Friends should enrich your life.

Not contacting you were you were ill is unforgivable.

Some friends are for a reason, some for a season, or some forever. Her season is over.

Last time I was invited to be a bridesmaid I politely declined. I said that I didn't think I'd have enough time to give her and the job my proper attention and I'd rather just be a guest than be in the spotlight.
That was that, no drama. Friend said Oh, thought you might enjoy it. I said Not really my thing... and we laughed and talked about her wedding plans.
So I don't know why people get into such a tizz about it on here.

Well some of the things you posted like not contacting you when you were ill aren't very nice. But she seems like an upbeat positive person, and you sound like you can't stand her, so it would probably be best if you declined the bridesmaid job. To be honest neither of you come off particularly well, but at least she isn't bitching behind your back.

You don't like her.

I read a thread on Mumsnet once fairly recently, where a woman had broken friends with the OP and said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, as then her ex-friend would in future have someone she no longer got on with and wasn't in touch with in the wedding photos. That could be painful when looking at them, or at least annoying. I thought that was a good point. So if you're planning to cut ties with her, you shouldn't be a bridesmaid anyway, unless maybe you plan to fade out without saying anything at all.

Surely it's better that someone who'd enjoy it be her bridesmaid, anyway?

She sounds like a crap friend.

And you sound like you hate her.

Let go of the non-friendship. And don’t be bridesmaid - it would be dishonest of you, to her but most importantly to yourself.

Cut her off I couldn't be arsed with someone who has zero interest in how I'm doing that's not a friend.

It doesn’t sound like either of you like each other that much.

Yeah you really dislike he's I feel.

She obviously likes you to ask you to be bridesmaid and is probably so self observed she has no idea how you feel.

Just make your excuses and decline the bridesmaid offer.